Let's dispel all questions--I screwed up.

Somehow, last week I missed the instruction that all Friday Night Fights were to include onomatopoeia.

No clever excuses, no deflecting. Bottom line--snell = suck.

But we more than make up for it this week!!

Long story short--well, there's no way to make this a short story. Suffice it to say, Mirror Master and Captain Boomerang have come to Gotham City to settle a "who is the better criminal" contest they're having. And this bizarre little tale involves boomerangs made out of mirrors, people hypnotized, people only pretending to be hypnotized, traps, traps within traps, and a broken Batsignal.

But for our purposes tonight, all we need to know is that it ends in a fisticuffs fracas with Batman and Robin and Harvey Bullock vs. Mirror Master vs. Captain Boomerang. And it goes a little something like this...


That enough onomatopoeia for you?

Spacebooger would like to note that this single Batman comic contain more Mirror Master and Captain Boomerang than 3 seasons of the CW Flash show...

No one asks why they have this showdown in Gotham of places in Detective Comics #555 (1985), by Jason Todd, Gene Colan and Bob Smith. Yes, I said Jason Todd. Don't believe me? Look:

See?

OK, OK, it was part of some silly device where Jason was supposedly writing up the case as practice for composition class. The real author--so it's claimed--is Doug Moench.

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Because I actually followed the rules this time, so I should be rewarded!! So go vote!!

In this week's Batman And Robin #23, Judd Winick has Bruce Wayne explain why no one can identify the incarcerated Jason Todd:

Hmmm, this bears examination.

**Not all that long ago, Bruce was framed for murder, arrested and jailed. He was fingerprinted then, right? So did he (or Oracle) go in afterward and erase those records? Because that would leave a pretty big clue-sized whole in the records should Bruce Wayne ever be arrested again, or the police have reason to reference those records--"Hey, where's his records? What's going on here?"

Or did they replace his prints in the records with some others? Which, again, creates problems should Wayne ever be printed again. Harvey Bullock: "Sorry, chump, theses prints don't match. You're not Bruce Wayne--you're an imposter! Take him in, boys!"

Or, like those Q provided James Bond in Diamonds Are Forever, was Bruce wearing fake fingerprints when he was booked?

Does he wear those all the time, to prevent stray Bruce Wayne fingerprints from being surreptitiously collected off of martini glasses and Lamborghinis?

**Ditto Dick Grayson--he was a police officer in Bludhaven, and many police departments routinely fingerprint all their cops (so they can quickly eliminate stray cop fingerprints found at crime scenes). And such prints would have been uploaded to state and federal databases, so even though Bludhaven was destroyed (twice!), those records would still exist...

(Did you ever notice how Bludhaven has become the Alderan of the DC Universe, destroyed (twice!) as a cheap gimmick to show how evil the villains were and then never, ever mentioned again?)

**Has Bruce/Barbara shared this technology with other heroes? A recent Flash showed that Barry Allen's fingerprints/DNA were still in the Central City police computers...

**Of course, there's a story idea here, because what if this "erase all our fingerprints" program got into the wrong hands, or malfunctioned, and the fingerprints of every perp in Gotham were erased, accidentally or deliberately? Everyone released from jail, anarchy in the streets...

**Finally, one has to wonder at Batman's obsession with this level of hyper-security over secret identities when roughly 25,000 people already know his secret identity...seriously, what's the point anymore?

...or, the murdering bastards becoming the superheroes.

According to Rich Johnston's Lying in the Gutters column at CBR, well, I'd just better let him say it:

I can now tell you that the new Batman will be designed by Alex Ross and will see Jason Todd under the cowl.

Poor Dick Grayson. Don't you hate it when someone junior to you is promoted above your head?

This is all part of a cross-continuity, longform story by Grant Morrison andin terms of structure bears similarity to his “New X-Men,” buton a far wider scale. It sounds rather good.

SOUNDS RATHER GOOD?!?!?

Now, assuming that's Rich's info is correct (and none of it has been officially confirmed yet, to my knowledge), it's unlikely that Bruce Wayne would remain "dead" for long, anymore than Superman or Captain America. It's going to be a sales-boosting publicity ploy, if it happens, and any quality of story that follows is purely coincidental.

No, the objectionable part--and it's taking all of my restraint not to vomit all over my keyboard as I write this--is that there is no way Jason Todd can become Batman. None.

Why? Let me be as succinct and rational on this issue as I am able:

JASON TODD IS A VICIOUS, MURDERING BASTARD, WHO HAS NEVER PAID A MOMENT'S PENALTY OR PENANCE FOR HIS CRIMES!!!!

Sorry, but I feel pretty strongly about this issue.

Now, yes, Jason had a hard knock life, was revived in a nauseatingly stupid manner, and felt upset and revengeful. But I'm sorry, that doesn't excuse his acts post-Resurrection. For example:

Now, even assuming the driver was a bona fide crook and not some patsy, killing someone for driving a truck? Or this:

No, they didn't survive those 1,001 bullets. And:

Strung up like butchered cattle, the blood draining out. And all those were from just 1 issue, from only 2 pages. Jason Todd is a murdering, savage beast, no better than the Joker.

Fortunately, Bruce Wayne caught him and brought him to justice...oh, wait, he didn't. Never. Instead, he just ran off for his year-long-post-Infinite-Crisis sabbatical, and then never lifted one gloved finger to bring justice to the man who murdered dozens of people in Gotham City.

But after Infinite Crisis and One Year Later, Jason Todd at least came to his senses, reformed, and repented, right?

Uhh...not so much.

So, after I post that under Dan DiDio, Bruce Wayne has completely disappeared from the Bat titles, we get news that Bruce will die and be replaced, and Batman will now be AN UNREPENTANT MASS MURDERER. Irony is a bitch.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't overreact like this. And there's a lot of information we don't have yet. But if this happens, if a PSYCHOTIC KILLER becomes Batman, I have to say I'll stop reading all the Bat titles.

It's your choice, DiDio. You can have heroes wear the masks, or just indulge your whims and give the jobs to your childhood "heroes," regardless of their fitness. You can take a stand and say that people have to pay a price for murder, or you can just give Jason the Cowl and pretend all the murders never happened.

You can say it doesn't matter, but it does matter to me and a lot of others, Dan DiDio. And if you make Batman into the Punisher, you show you have no conception of the character, and no business running a major comic book company. It's your choice.

Panels of Dan DiDio's choice to be Batman and represent justice come from Batman #646 and Nightwing #118. Less than two years ago, he was a murderer. Anyone at DC remember? Anyone?!?

...for all my kvetching about Jason Todd being brought back to life. Seriously.

I mean, I still think it was incredibly lame to revive him by having Superboy-Prime punch the universe. I mean, that is galactic-level stupid.

But it's not the stupidest. Join me, my friends, for the comic that put the deus in deus ex machina, JLA #124.

My main man Mark already covered this one in his excellent series on JLA/JSA team-ups, but I think this particular plot twist deserves a teensy bit more attention.

The fun began in JLA #123, and while you might want to test my urine, I promise this plot description is NOT an acid flashback. An accident with one of Flash's spare cosmic treadmills sends Earth-Prime comic book writer Cary Bates to Earth-2...OK, to fill in our younger readers, Earth-Prime was our Earth, the real world, where all the DC heroes (and presumably Marvel heroes, too) are just comic book characters. Barry Allen/Flash visited there a few times--not coincidentally in issues which Cary Bates wrote, and he just also happened to appear in. Uhh...ego much, Cary?

Anyhoo, Bates ended up transported to Earth-2, where the Wizard and the Injustice Society of America enact a typically over-complicated and Rube Goldberg-like plan. He zaps Bates with a spell that A) turned him evil, and B) gave him reality-altering mental powers. He then uses those powers to easily defeat the JSA. (Question from the audience: why go to all that trouble and not zap yourself or one of your cohorts with that spell? A: Who knows??) They then disguise & brainwash the JSA to act and dress like the Injustice Society. The JLA, who have come to Earth-2 along with Earth-Prime writer Elliot S! Maggin to find Bates, then proceed to kill the JSA.

No, it's not a dream, not a hoax, not an imaginary story. In a pretty tepid battle, a couple of light punches from the Justice Leaguers is enough to kill the disguised Justice Society members (well, they are old, I guess...). Dead. Really, really dead. Don't believe me? Check out these panels:



Told you. Dead dead dead. Which leads us to #124, and one of my favorite covers of all time (even with the gigantically terrible BAtRobin costume featured so prominently):




So now the JSA is hanging around Earth-2 fighting disasters because they feel guilty about killing the JSA. Hawkman tries to make them feel better, declaring, "We may have delivered the blows that actually destroyed them--But it was the villainy of a yet unknown enemy that tricked us into it. (Question from the audience: So it was OK when you thought it was villains you had killed? A: Shut up.)

The Injustice League finally attacks the JLA, and thanks to the tremendous guilt they feel over killing the JSAers who looked like the villains, they're completely unable to fight effectively. Plus, the fantastically super-powered and evil Cary Bates, in a contemptible under use of his abilities, makes the JLAers see ghosts of the departed heroes. Boo hoo.

Fortunately, despite the inability of Earth-1's greatest super-heroes to deal with the likes of the Gambler and the Sportsmaster, there's one JSA member left to make it all better:



and



Well, apparently the Spectre's pleas worked with the Big Guy, because just when things seem darkest:



Yup...no digging our way out of coffins or Lazarus pits or rituals or anything. Just poof, they appear out of thin air, ready to rumble, no questions asked. Now that's service!! And after they vanquish the really stupid bad guys, Spectre leaves us with this thought:



Oh, heavens-to-Betsy, Spectre, why not let them remember? When word of this got out, it would have to mean the total triumph of the Earth-2 God over other religions, right? "God Resurrects Justice Society" headlines would pretty much guarantee 100% attendance next Sunday, don't you think?

Of course, in a dramatic sense, having God make it all better has got to be the worst solution ever, right? Besides, since our heroes don't do anything special to earn this, you have to wonder about the theological can of worms opened here:


*Why doesn't the Spectre pray to revive every fallen hero? Like Wing or Mr. Terrific? Or every policeman or fireman or kid with cancer? Was this a one time only offer? (Two time only, if you count the Spectre himself?)

*Would God have brought them back if the Spectre hadn't prayed for it?

*Do Earth-1 and Earth-2 have the same God? And what about Earth-Prime?

*Since the JSA, post-Crisis I, were sent off to fight Ragnarok, does that mean the Spectre works for Odin???

It's pretty amazing...Maggin and Bates spend two issues complimenting themselves (via their Earth-Prime characters) about what master plotters they are, and the best they can come up with is "God made it all better???" Really??

So let's make it official...Superboy-Prime punching the universe is now only the SECOND stupidest way of reviving a dead character ever. Congratulations, guys.

The first set of panels is from JLA #123, the cover and the rest of the shots are from #124. If I went to Earth-2, would I have super-powers??

Oh, man, where to start with our violations this time?

There is a distinct difference, I think, between screwing with continuity to fix problems or for a reboot, and screwing with continuity because you're too damn lazy or cowardly to write your way out of a problem you've created yourself. This issue, I'm afraid, is the latter.

After 14 craptacular, repetitive, and boring back-up "stories," Countdown has finally gotten to actually explaining why having people cross-over to different universes is bad thing (to save you the pain of actually reading it, it seems every crossing over between Earths opens a breach in the Source Wall separating them, and enough breaches and the walls will collapse, and we'll have anarchy, and cats & dogs living together, and who knows what else). So, the obvious solution to 51 of our Monitors: kill everyone who travels between worlds. Yup. Me, I'd just work on plugging the breaches and preventing future travellers from breaching, but these Monitors are action Monitors, and believe that offing the odd Duela Dent will somehow stop other people from reality-hopping.

But the panel to the left is the topper in illogical mendacity. Let's ignore two of the three, except to mention that a) No, Donna Troy is not from another universe...it's just that DC's inability to stick with an origin for her has left her continuity best handled by only by those wearing bio-hazard suits; b) Jason Todd is not from another universe...sure he's back from the dead, but so is Hal Jordan (Please, please please let Hal Jordan be from another universe..). We saw Jason escape his own coffin, dammit! Seriously, what other world have we even seen a Jason Todd on?? But I digress...


Which leaves us with Kyle Rayner. Is he from another universe? Well, in Infinite Crisis (snore) Alex Luthor (hardly a reliable source, as he lied to everybody else in that series) had the first Crisis not occurred, Kyle would have been on Earth-8. But so what?? Half the JSA would have been on Earth-2. Why aren't they on Monitor's list? What about Power Girl--we know for a fact that she's a "unresolved holdover" from Earth-2. Why shouldn't she be eliminated? What about the Freedom Fighters?

Actually, there's one, and only one, reason why Kyle Rayner has been singled out, and not Power Girl et al. It's:

"We killed Hal Jordan and replaced him with Kyle, but we didn't have the cojones to keep Hal dead, so we brought him back, and now we don't have the least idea in the world what to do with him, so we'll call him an anomaly and have another Crisis as a convenient excuse to get rid of him/rebrand him. Oh, and that goes double for Donna Troy and Jason Todd."

It's lazy, hacktastic writing, disguised as "anomalies" and "continuity corrections." It shows no love or respect for the characters, their fans, or their earlier creative staffs. It's illogical on its face, and non-sensical if you think about it for 30 seconds. And the best part--it's not even a good or interesting story.