Strange things can happen if you're the secretary to physicists:


Ah, incredible coincidence, the oxygen for Golden Age comics stories!!

(Also, please note, just as with Johnny Quick's mantra, none of that is actually formulas...I'm just sayin'.)

So...



Though as a rookie to the super-speed stuff, she hasn't quite got her control down yet:




Hey, that does sound kinda fun...but no, Johnny is kind of a sexist bastard!

So he hatches a vile scheme to keep all the super-speed glory for men folks alone...

Asshole.

But Joanie won't be deterred. She comes up with a fairly bitchin' costume for the era...

And as they go about to round up some rare animals she accidentally released in her first burst of speed, well, she pretty much proves herself superior to him in every way:

Then, in an episode stolen by the B-52s:



So she's better than you in every possible way, Johnny...but don't give up hope! There's still one critter left to round up!


Oh, Johnny, you douche...


Johnny Quick--dickweed!


You son of a bitch!

Johnny Quick--smasher of dreams, and history's greatest monster!!

I hope someone shows this story to Jesse Quick...

From Adventure Comics #181 (1952), as reprinted in World's Finest #198 (1970)

We comic fans all know Johnny Quick's magic formula by heart, right?

Never mind the snarky questions over how to pronounce it, or how inscriptions found in a Pharaoh's tomb give you super speed (or for that matter, how inscriptions in that tomb contained numbers and letters that culture didn't have...shhh!)

Nope, just suspend your stinkin' disbelief a bit, because we all know, when Johnny says the magic formula, he gets speed.

Ah, but what happens when he says the formula wrong?!?

A mysterious explosion has sent a "water meteor" plummeting towards Keystone, so Johnny Quick decides to go help out Jay Garrick. Except...

Hey, where's that X come from?

Monkeys with invisible beams? Sinister.

And the results of that little tiny alteration to the formula?


Wha...?

Yup, the X turned him evil!!

Johny's comedy sidekick pal Tubby Watts let's him know that he said the formula incorrectly...

Well, Johnny goes to Jay (who has just gone public with his secret identity) to apologize. But...

Again?

Just so we're clear, that guy's working for Grodd. And Grodd has developed an invisible beam that makes you add an X to your magic formula. An oddly specific weapon, but cool.

Anyway...


Don't worry...Jay saves her, Grodd accomplishes his goal of siphoning off some of Jay's super-speed (don't ask) and so Johnny doesn't have to worry about the evil ray anymore, and they all live happily ever after.

You have to wonder, though...Could that ray be used on anyone? Could Billy Batson be made to say SHAZAMX and be evil? What if instead of an X, you added a Q to Johnny Quick's formula? Or an Ñ or a Я or a Ω?

Questions like these are why I'm not allowed to write comics...

From Flash Spectacular (a.k.a. DC Special Series #11) (1978)

We all know that DC has had problems with deadlines the past few years. Yet they've vowed to fix that for Flushpoint, and replace anyone who isn't getting their book done in a timely manner.

How can they make this promise?? Because of newly discovered technology that allows an answer to this question:

Let's flashback to a time when there was a new comics sensation on the block:

Now, the creator of Eighth Wonder Comics was a swell guy. He even visited kids in the hospital!

But then he makes a Babe Ruth-type promise:

Well, a month later, he's going to make good on that promise!

Except...

The publisher's building was merely some collateral damage in the schemes of some bank robbers. But they destroyed all the comics!!


So, Johnny Quick breaks out the lightbox picks up the pencil...


...has several different inkers finish it inks it all himself...

...finds the perfect font on his computer lettering program...

...e-mails all the art to a Canadian printing company prepares the printing plates himself...



But where to print??

A run of two million???? Oh, man, those were the days...

And now to use the computer coloring program color all two million copies by hand:


One last step...

And it's all worth it in the end!

But when Johnny goes to pick up a comic for himself...

D'oh!!!

So, one man can do an entire comic book by himself overnight--including printing and binding it himself!!

So, David Finch and Jim Lee (amongst others), are you paying attention...?

From Adventure Comics #121 (1947), as reprinted in Flash #232 (1975)