I am the Watcher, and even though I'm supposed to be watching this universe, I must have plenty of free time on my omniscient hands, because I spend a LOT of time peeking in on alternate universes. And so, my friends, today we observe a glorified What If?, as we look at:

Lo, House Of M, how you have screwed up myriad universes. Join me as we observe how a teensy weensy little change will make the whole of human history turn out differently. Joining us shall be:

We start in 2005, as an old soldier is receiving a testimonial:

Captain America old? How can this be? We must travel back to the days of 1945, where initially history transpires as we knew it:


But one small difference occurred in this universe:

And everything was changed:


So Zemo dies, and...

Wait a minute. As THE narrator of alternate realities, I cannot let this pass. A true What If? spawns from one detail changed, one moment where someone did something differently, or was 20 seconds late. But this...this House Of M is no What If?, it's an Elseworlds!!

Look, there's no way that having more mutants born, and eventually taking over the world, in any way comes from Captain America saving Bucky. Nor vice versa. The whole House Of M fiasco spins from 150 different alterations of the timeline, none of which are related to each other, and none of which make any sense.

That's what happens when you let an amateur like the Scarlet Witch be in charge of these things. This isn't a true alternate universe, it's a crazy wish-fulfillment scenario concocted by a daft bird who suddenly was given more power than God, murdered several of her friends, and then went really nutsy fufu. Seriously, it's a travesty!!

Ahem. Back to our view of this story that COULD have happened in your reality (even though it really couldn't have...I'm just sayin'.)

With Captain America and Bucky both available, the final invasion of Berlin went much differently. The Red Skull met a final fate:

And rather than being roasted by the Human Torch, Hitler was brought to justice:

After the war, President Truman gives the Star Spangled Avenger his blessing to step down and marry Peggy Carter. But he also indicates that, in this world, the U.S. is seeing a very different threat than communists:

And in 1951, the McCarthy hearings show this different focus:


Unwilling to capitulate, the good Captain pulls a JSA:


Using his military contacts, Steve Rogers , no longer able to be Cpatain America, uses his military contacts and becomes an astronaut, and in 1955, becomes the first non-Watcher to set foot on the moon:

Unfortunately, his controversial comment set off much political debate, and really tick off his wife, who is working for S.H.I.E.L.D. and feels that Steve's pro-mutant position has embarrassed her:


After the divorce (yes, really), Rogers and the no-longer young Bucky Barnes discuss the gray areas of the "mutant situation":



Than, Magneto becomes a major player on the world front:

And Steve being Steve, speaks out:


Unfortunately, this proved politically unpopular, and:

Rogers was now distrusted by both sides, seen as a mutant sympathizer for his actions in the 50s, and a "radical human-separatist" for his anti-Magneto warnings. So ostracized was the former symbol of our nation, that he was not even allowed to speak at Bucky's funeral (he died on a S.H.I.E.L.D. operation in Genosha).

So Rogers is left to live out his life on the lecture/testimonial circuit, applauded for World War II and walking on the moon, but completely irrelevant to the modern world:



And thus we...wait a minute, that's hardly a decent What If? ending, is it? Who died who shouldn't have? What happened when Galactus showed up? Where's the tragic consequences to show that the way our universe came out is actually the best-case scenario?? We just end with an old man walking home, and no particular tragedy?!?Damn you, Wanda Maximoff, you bloody dilettante!!

ELSEWHERE IN ALTERNATE MARVEL UNIVERSES:

I am the Watcher...oh, yeah, we've already covered this. Anyway, the House Of M continued to wreak its havoc elsewhere:

Now, HoM was supposed to be a world where mutants ruled and kicked ass, but apparently the Scarlet Witch frakked up again and T'Challa didn't get the memo. In this issue he kills Sabretooth, and with the help of Black Bolt, kills Apocalypse and his Four Horseman. Some better world for mutants!! Still, that is a better What If? ending...

Remember that one time in 2005, when we had the best President ever?

What the...??

Oh, yeah.

You can't discuss Marvel 2005 without discussing the House Of M event. Which, just to be random, would have been much cooler if it was House Of Monkeys, a reality show starring Hugh Laurie doctoring to a tribe of super-powered apes. Sigh.

But for those who've blacked out the pain, House Of M was an event wherein the Scarlet Witch, who used to point her hands at things to make boxes fall apart before the bad guy could throw them, essentially became the world's biggest cosmic cube, and remade all of reality into a world where mutants dominate. Hey, Wanda, haven't you seen the comics racks? We were already there...

Anyway, aside from the House Of M mini-series proper, most of the Marvel series played along, either by running House Of M miniseries of their own, or running HoM stories in the series proper for an issue or two. And Incredible Hulk jumped into the deep end, devoting 4 regular series issues to the adventures of Bruce Banner in the HoM universe.

And who created this?

Ahhh, Peter David. You just can't keep him away from the Hulk, can you? After his nearly-decade-long run, he comes back for a year, sandwiched between Bruce Jones' run and the Planet Hulk stuff. And he throws himself into this House Of M stuff with gusto.

First of all, Hulk is the president...of Australia.

Mutants rule the world, and the government of Australia (Exodus, Pyro, the Vanisher) were particularly oppressive, rounding up and exterminating uncooperative humans. At the same time, Bruce Banner is hanging with an aborigine tribe in the outback (the one that doesn't have Bloomin' Onions). They have adopted him as one of their own as he is learning to be at piece with himself--hence, the snake tattoo. Obviously, there's going to be a clash, as the evil government forces chase some mutants into native territory. Bruce Hulks out, and ends up teaming with Monica Rappacini, leader of A.I.M., and her daughter, the new Scorpion, to oust the mutant and take over Australia. Which become the sole human-run government in the world, and a refuge for the growing exodus of humans who want to get away from mutant rule. And that's only the first two issues...phew...

And that scene with Hulk freaking out over paperwork? Didn't really happen...

What? Bruce Banner in bed?? With a woman?? Well, yeah...but he's still as broody as hell:

But, when you're knocking boots with a hot evil scientist, AND it turns out its not the first time you've hooked up, well, I guess there are some advantages of a re-worked reality.


Meanwhile, Scorpion finds some of her moms goons rousting a human refugee...


Man, A.I.M. gets to dress a lot better in this universe. No beekeeper suits?!?

Anyway, we find out not everything is wonderful at the heart of Hulk's outback paradise:

Now, some scenes of a man who can't be bothered to put on a shirt while ruling a country:

And when the world's mutant governments are refusing to trade with Australia?? Bruce breaks out the diplomacy.

You know, for a guy who's constantly moaning about what hell it is to be the Hulk, Bruce is sure willing to play the Hulk card an awful lot...

Yet when his advisers suggest that the people would like the Hulk to make an occasional appearance, Bruce flips out:

But, when Scorpion comes to him with tales of evil experiments, Bruce goes undercover with her to investigate. And again, for a guy who likes to whine that a "stubbed toe" could set off the "atomic bomb" inside of him, Bruce sure likes to put himself in situations where that stubbed toe is damned likely. Ahh, the screwed up psychology of Robert Bruce Banner...

They discover the cliched hidden entrance to evil labs...

And after a couple of pages of "humorous banter," they find the mother lode:

Yes, Hulk's girlfriend, the leader of an evil scientific organization, is performing evil science. Who woulda thought??!? I mean, building a cyborg army out of unwilling refugees isn't that evil, is it...?

I've been skipping over a lot of David's trademark funny stuff, so let's take a look:

Haha, because alarm klaxons that are easy to ignore would be a good thing, right, Bruce?? But, despite all his earlier reservations, Banner throws himself right into Hulk smash mode:





And as he confronts the head scientist at the complex:



And of course, because it's Peter David, we can't help but end the issue on a joke:

Hahahahaha, it's funny because she's making a pop-culture cliche reference to a ten year old movie, which is obviously still hilarious to David...and it's a movie which probably would never have been made in this universe (we'll learn elsewhere that man reached the moon in 1955 in this universe, and the program was never named Apollo, and...)!!! Hahahahaha!!!

Then again, it's probably a fitting final line, because House Of M ends with the world's biggest re-set button being pushed (unless you were a mutant), and none of it will have any repercussions, and it will all have never happened, and Peter David will leave as soon as House Of M is over, so since none of it matters, why bother to come up with an original or funny joke--or even one that makes sense??

That's what you get from publishing an "event" that is functionally only a big-ass issue of What If?--it's pretty hard to care.

Beware--there will be more House Of M later this week...

ELSEWHERE IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE:

Or, actually, in another alternate universe...

I always liked Tony Bedard's run of Exiles, because man, could he go nuts. In this issue, the Exiles team helps Curt Connors' Science Squad (Connors, Tony Stark, Hank Pym, and Boilvar Trask) on Earth-3752 use the giant mecha Red Ronin to fight Fin Fang Foom.

And there's no re-set button in sight.