Look, I know my dislike of Zatanna's "backwards-talk" magic is just a personal bugaboo of mine.

I mean, aside from the fact that it's the same shtick dozens of Golden Age magician heroes used, so I'm pretty tired with it already; and aside from the fact that it's a pain in the ass to read; and aside from the fact that it's pretty boring--she can make anything she says backwards literally happen--where's the challenge in that?; and...

Anyway, as I said, just a personal bugaboo.

But I should thank my lucky stars, but it could have been much, much worse.

In her very first appearance, when Hawkman is investigating something in China...

OK, what?

Meanwhile, Hawkgirl is encountering the same thing at the exact same time in Ireland!

When they compare notes...


Oh for heaven's sake, cut that out!!!

Thank Odin they didn't stick with that ridiculous premise.

So how did she get split in two?
Oh, never mind, I've heard enough.

Sorry, Zatanna, it's me, not you...

From Hawkman #4 (1964), as reprinted in Supergirl #5 (1973)

Hawkman and Hawkgirl are out doing good deeds...

...when they get a surprise visitor!

Why is Atom there? He has an offer!!

But only for Hawkman!?!

Oh, Atom. Perhaps you could have chosen a better time and place than in the middle of a public event to humiliate Shayera like that? You're lucky she was so gracious about it.

And yes, while there was indeed such a JLA by-law in those days, I think we can all pretty much hear a "but we already have 1 girl" hidden in Ray Palmer's "er," right?

From Justice League Of America #31 (1964)

It's a rough life when you're a flying cop from Thanagar:

10 hours?!?!? Frak you, Katar!!

But something tells me you're not going to be enjoying that luxurious rest for long...


Yup, you've been dumped!

[Special note for those keeping track: Katar Hol wears tighty whities!!]

Anyway, Katar runs up to the He-Man Woman Haters Club JLA Satellite...


 ...but he was too late. Shiera is gone!

Lots of sympathy from his male comrades, though...


Sound of needle scratching vinyl. Thousands of women throughout the galaxy look up in shock. Was that Hal Jordan saying that?!?

Damn. Hal!! Get in the Big S's face!! Woooo!

Anyway, the big guns decide that, without more info, they won't be able to track Hawkwoman down...


Hal Jordan--feminist?!?


Great--Hal's attempts to get Superman woke have left him a quivering mass of indecision.

So anyway, Halkman goes home and goes on a week long bender. Seriously.

From World's Finest Comics #274 (1981)

I know J'onn J'onzz made his bones as a detective...but sometimes he's pretty damned stupid.

Which brings us to tonight's Friday Night Fights.

Back in the pre-Crisis days,  a group of Martian survivors founded New Mars (sometimes called Mars II) in another solar system. J'onn was spending most of his time there, when his Martian buddy Re's Eda is assassinated right in front of him.

Based on the most tenuous (and stupid) of clues, J'onn decides a) the killer must be from Earth, and b) must be one of Earth's super-heroes. Really.

[SPOILER ALERT--it later turned out the Re's faked his own death to distract J'onn from Re's plans for conquest, the "clues" a wild goose chase. So, yeah, some detective there, J'onzz]

So join us as the Martian Manhunter screws it up royally...

So wait. You're willing to believe Supergirl or Hawkman would kill your friend, but you dismiss Superman and Hal Jordan without even investigating? J'onn, what are you smoking?

So what look to the Hols like a social visit...

...turns into a vicious ambush!







POOM!! J'onn may be dumb...but he is strong.

Spacebooger can't help but wonder if Re's Eda is related to Ra's Al Ghul...

J'onzz's fists are faster than his brain in Adventure Comics #451 (1977), by Denny O'Neill, Mike Nasser and Terry Austin.

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Well, c'mon now--tell me you didn't enjoy seeing someone knock the snot out of Hawkman. Now go and vote!!