Hawkman is up against a new super-weapon the Japanese have stolen from an American inventor!

Man, I just love the way Sheldon Moldoff drew Hawkman's wings. Sure, it's not particularly sleek, but it looks more mysterious and inhuman...

See?!?

Anyway, yeah, who need an actual airplane, hen you have a big-ass propeller?


Of course, Hawkman gets himself captured, and put into the obvious death-trap!




Reminder to villains: use better quality rope!

We come oh so close to a classic catchphrase being born:

And just in case you thought a massive flying propeller couldn't be a threat:

Well, he and his birds stop the bombs, so...

I love the way he draws those wings!!

Time to turn the tables and destroy the villains' HQ!!

And so America used it's fleet of giant flying propellers to win WWII!! What, you missed that part in history class...?

From All-Start Comics #12 (1942)

Look, I know my dislike of Zatanna's "backwards-talk" magic is just a personal bugaboo of mine.

I mean, aside from the fact that it's the same shtick dozens of Golden Age magician heroes used, so I'm pretty tired with it already; and aside from the fact that it's a pain in the ass to read; and aside from the fact that it's pretty boring--she can make anything she says backwards literally happen--where's the challenge in that?; and...

Anyway, as I said, just a personal bugaboo.

But I should thank my lucky stars, but it could have been much, much worse.

In her very first appearance, when Hawkman is investigating something in China...

OK, what?

Meanwhile, Hawkgirl is encountering the same thing at the exact same time in Ireland!

When they compare notes...


Oh for heaven's sake, cut that out!!!

Thank Odin they didn't stick with that ridiculous premise.

So how did she get split in two?
Oh, never mind, I've heard enough.

Sorry, Zatanna, it's me, not you...

From Hawkman #4 (1964), as reprinted in Supergirl #5 (1973)

Long story short, Queen Bee is running amok, and Kal-El is trying to round up hordes of angry bees without hurting them--because that's what Superman does!!

But...

OK, that's a pretty cool way to come up with a new weakness for Superman. Points, Gerry Conway.

But then along come Aquaman and Hawkman, being complete and total dicks to the greatest hero ever:

Really?

REALLY??

Mr. "I die if I stay away from water for 61 minutes" and Mr. "Oooh, I'm so baddass because I use a mace" are going to call Superman...a coward?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Get bent.

Oh, that flying guy coming at the dicks from below there? That's a mannequin filled with bees. Because comics!!

Still, Aquaman and Hawkman--enormous assholes.

From Justice League Of America #131 (1976)

Hawkman needs to contact the other members of the Justice Society, pronto!

Thanks for the expository info, Dr, Mid-Nite!!

But wait, Hawkman's plan can't possibly work, can it?

Wait--Hawkman taught all of the JSA "the language of his great bird friends"??!? You mean the whole Justice Society speaks bird?!?

Now I want a story with Johnny Thunder trying to talk to pigeons when his Thunderbolt is missing, but he didn't pay enough attention enough attention during Carter Hall's lessons, and keeps asking them for the wrong thing. Hilarity ensues.

This is why I'm not allowed to write comics...

From All-Star Comics #10 (1942)

Hawkman and Hawkgirl are out doing good deeds...

...when they get a surprise visitor!

Why is Atom there? He has an offer!!

But only for Hawkman!?!

Oh, Atom. Perhaps you could have chosen a better time and place than in the middle of a public event to humiliate Shayera like that? You're lucky she was so gracious about it.

And yes, while there was indeed such a JLA by-law in those days, I think we can all pretty much hear a "but we already have 1 girl" hidden in Ray Palmer's "er," right?

From Justice League Of America #31 (1964)

Much against by better judgement, I must consider the possibility that Hawkman actually is a badass.

Evidence #1: It's not just birds he can talk to, but all animals!

Hawkman Doolittle!!

Evidence #2--when he does talk to birds, he has hawks drop dynamite on the surrounding countryside!!


 Well, it seems Hawkman is really badass.

Ahh, but sadly, there is Counter-Evidence #1--Hawkman can do any of that these days. Boo!!

Verdict: Still lame, until someone in these modern times has him have birds drop explosives on things.

From The Big All-American Comic Book (1944)

Welcome to Round 2 of The Seven Justice Soldiers of The Victory League Society, our meaningless exercise is random fighting!!

This bout features...

(That's Earth-2 Wonder Woman...)

vs.

(That's Earth-1 Atom, just to be clear).

This would be a pretty tight bout, as you'd expect from the 4th and 5th seeds. And in a bit of a surprise, I see Dr. Fate's group eking out a victory.

Dr. Fate could likely nullify Diana's mystic strength, at least temporarily, allowing Atom to use her lasso to bind Dr. Mid-Nite as he shrinks small enough to slip between the particles of darkness of his blackout bomb (Hey, I can use DC Science, too!!). Meanwhile, Hawkman's ancient weaponry wouldn't do too much against a body that can wrap around any impact. By that point he'd be the last man standing, and no way could he stand against all three of them.

So our winner is...

Think I'm wrong? Get your own blog!!

Dr. Fate's team will face Superman's later this week. Tune in tomorrow four our other first round bouts!!

You just know that when super-heroes get together, they try on each others clothing and accessories, right?

See, a jerkwad alien has used a blast of red sun radiation to take away Superman's powers, and is plundering Thanagar (as well as trying to kill Kal-El's great-grandfather Var-El--yeah, time travel and stuff).

Oh, but Superman has a solution!



Next week: Elongated Man tries on Flash's boots!!

From DC Comics Presents #74 (1984)

It's a rough life when you're a flying cop from Thanagar:

10 hours?!?!? Frak you, Katar!!

But something tells me you're not going to be enjoying that luxurious rest for long...


Yup, you've been dumped!

[Special note for those keeping track: Katar Hol wears tighty whities!!]

Anyway, Katar runs up to the He-Man Woman Haters Club JLA Satellite...


 ...but he was too late. Shiera is gone!

Lots of sympathy from his male comrades, though...


Sound of needle scratching vinyl. Thousands of women throughout the galaxy look up in shock. Was that Hal Jordan saying that?!?

Damn. Hal!! Get in the Big S's face!! Woooo!

Anyway, the big guns decide that, without more info, they won't be able to track Hawkwoman down...


Hal Jordan--feminist?!?


Great--Hal's attempts to get Superman woke have left him a quivering mass of indecision.

So anyway, Halkman goes home and goes on a week long bender. Seriously.

From World's Finest Comics #274 (1981)