It is that time again!  Cue the Banner, me!
Sorry, Universal.  For my 2,900th Post (I know- right!), let's revisit a Studio who I've avoided for at least 6 months (an Immediate Response not counting, that is)- The Asylum.  Joy!  Today's Film is Frankenstein Reborn, the Asylum Version of a now-Classic Tale.  This one has many of the elements you'd expect to see, but many differences too.  This is part of the Shot Together To Save Money Series from the company.  Basically, they shot a bunch of Films together with the same Cast in varying Roles in 2005.  This includes War of the Worlds, King of the Lost World, Bram Stoker's Dracula's Curse, Legion of the Dead and The Beast of Bray Road.  The Films were all released in a 6-month period and feature recurring Cast Members aplenty.  This is notable not just for the Stars, but also for the bit players.  For example, Andrew Lauer- aka some guy from Caroline in the City- appears in Beast, Legion and King- literally for one Scene in the latter!  That brings me to this Film with, well, most of those people.  Bruce Boxleitner was too busy for this shit- good for him.  This one is set in modern times and takes some odd liberties with the Story.  Rather than watching me ramble here, how about you watch me ramble down below?
The Film begins with the typical Person Gets Killed bit.  It is...Sarah Lieving!

Do I act like a dick and go 'Yea- they killed her!' or just not care?  Vote, America!
Now that that we got that out of the way, the actual Story begins with Dr. Franks (since Rhett can't play German, apparently) under arrest before suspicion of murder.  Cue Flashbacks!
So the good Doc and his comrades were experimenting on this oddly-muscular guy with a degenerative muscle disease to cure him via nanites in the brain.  Naturally.
Things eventually go awry due to some confusing Plot Point involving the Doctor's evil thoughts being downloaded (like an evil Chappie, I guess) into the Patient...or something.  You got me!

Anyhow, 2 of them continue the work on what now looks like The Mummy.
We interrupt this Horror Story for a Threesome Scene.  It worked for Invasion of the Pod People,..
They eventually resurrect the Patient...who now suddenly looks like The Mummy in the face too.

Seriously, what part of the procedure messed up face and teeth so much!!!
The Monster kills off the Doc's co-workers, the latter of whom he once loved.  Time to make a Bride under duress, I guess.
As the Flashback and Present collide, the Police, the Doctor, the Psychiatrist (aka Dracula from Bram Stoker's Dracula's Curse) and the Monster all meet up.  After some random gore, the Shrink zaps both Monster and Doc, killing them.
After some cheesy narration, we get some Sequel Bait.  No such luck, Frankenstein Reborn...Again!
Madam I'm Adam....and this Film is not good.  The basic Plot is fine.  The Monster Make-Up (which grotesque in ways that make no sense for the Story) is actually quite good.  The random Gore and other Practical Effects you get are also good.  Pretty much everything else lets this Story down though.  The framing is confusing as they don't just stick with 'Doctor tells Story and sets up Ending.'  Instead, we get random breaks for the Psychiatrist to meet with the Police, his colleagues, the Police again and so on.  On top of that, we get footage repeated a couple of times for no good reason.  It is the 'I told you this, but the Audience will now see what really happened' schtick, basically.  In other words, your 84 minute Film (counting Credits) wasn't long enough.  The Acting is overall good, with some (like Giles) performing better than others.  The big problem for me is that I've seen this same bunch of Actors over and over again.  First it was Dracula, then it was King Kong, etc.  It is kind of tiresome now, so imagine what it was like in 2005-6 when these Films kept popping up in order over a 6-month time.  I appreciate that they didn't bring Andrew Lauer back for a Scene Cameo Kill, though...I guess.  Overall, it is like most Asylum Films- some good ideas (usually not theirs) done in a way that is less satisfactory than it should be.  This isn't too cheesy, which is a plus...I guess.  Now let me see that 'I'm reading your stupid Text' Face, Sarah...
Next up, some super-cheesy nonsense of the good kind.  Barry Bostwick, a Werewolf and some super-ridiculous Experiment!  Stay tuned...

I'm so scared...that this movie also suck ass.  Well, maybe I shouldn't be too quick to judge The Fear Chamber.  After all, it's neither Australian or about hiking.  Who's the star?  Rhett Ghiles.  Oh God, this is going to suck!  Now, to be fair, Rhett Ghiles isn't a terrible Actor.  He's just in A LOT of Asylum films, which are almost never good.  Mind you, he's not been great in anything I've seen either, so this is not a free pass.  Who's the other star?  Can they redeem this in my eyes?  If you guessed, the bad guy from Big Bad Wolf, you'd be right.  Why you would guess that is anyone's guess!  So what is this movie about?  It's about a serial killer who tortures women.  Great- it's another Saw-lite film.  Joy.  To find out this movie rises above all of my concerns, read on..
Well, I'll be concise here.  I'd say it was to avoid SPOILERS, but it's mostly because I don't care all that much.

Rhett Ghiles is a Cop.  In spite of hearing a woman cry out in terror, he takes his sweet time getting to her.  She dies.  You dick.
After failing to save the girl, he manages to get taken down by the evil Doctor...who knocks him out, but doesn't kill him.
The movie boils down to this.  Step 1: Ghiles has weird dreams/visions that relate to him feeling like he let a woman die (which he did).
Step 2: He investigates the crimes and talks to his boss- aka that black guy from The Blues Brothers and The X-Files.
 Step 3: Repeat Step 1.
 Step 4: Repeat Step 2.

Get it?  Got it?  Good.  The End.
Was I too harsh?  Honestly, this film is just kind of there.  It starts off strong- albeit silly-, but goes downhill from there.  The over-reliance on fake-out scares is just criminal.  When they're extremely obvious, they serve no purpose.  If you want make neat visuals, make them count!  If you can get past that silliness, it's a decent, low-budget thriller.  I do think that the lead is inept though, which only works if there is some sort of character arc.  There's not.  I don't have any more to say about this film honestly, so let's just end things with this sad, Rhett Ghiles face...
Next up, a ghost tale...made for about $1,000.  Bonus points for a weird, random re-titling to boot!  Stay tuned...

Are you ready...for a film that's not as good as the other one.  For all the time I spend mocking Asylum films- and it is a lot-, there are some of them that have good moments.  Granted, some of them are great for all the wrong reasons- i.e. The 7 Adventures of Sinbad.  Any film in which a giant, no-eyed Crab attacks someone on the beach is golden.  In terms of actual quality, the best and most accessible is probably Bram Stoker's Dracula's Curse.  It's not great, but it has some good moments and is never dull.  As it turns out, this movie is a bit of an anomaly.  Most of the same cast and crew would appear in King of the Lost World and The Beast of Bray Road, neither of which was as good.  In addition, the film was essentially remade as Wolvesbayne.  That or the film is a sequel...but I don't really know.  Could anyone please clear this up for me?  What's the point of this tangent?  Well, this film came before it, apparently setting up Ghiles' Van Helsing.  By that, of course, I mean that he just also plays Van Helsing here in a film that doesn't set up anything.  Yea?  The plot involves a sad, sappy back-story and some cheap, present day Vampire action.  To see just how disappointing this, read on...
The film begins in the past with Van Helsing going off to kill some Vampires, leaving his wife alone with one of the Vampire hunters.  Dig this 'Day for Night' bullshit!
 Paul Logan has a cameo as Dracula.  Why?  It was his Screen Test for Mega-Piranha and The Terminators.  He dies...and never shows up again.

Yes, Dracula is relegated to a cameo in a film featuring Van Helsing.
In the Present day, the lone surviving vampire from the battle struggles to survive.  She works for a new Dark Prince, but he's weak and sad.
Leave it to some implied, blood-soaked, four-way action to renew his, um, vigor.  Yes, this scene exists.
 Now empowered, he leads the vampires on a random killing spree.  Van Helsing, meanwhile, is a Doctor...under his own name.  Yes, you're not famous and supposedly died 100+ years ago.  Good cover!
Van Helsing raises a small group of Church members to battle the Vampires.  They're pure cannon fodder, so let me just skip to the final fight.
The whole thing boils down to a Chekhov's Gun in the form of Holy Water, which our hero's girlfriend drinks earlier.  Dracula ingests it, weakening him for the kill.  In fact, it does this so much that...
The orange filter on the film suddenly disappears.  Seriously, was that intentional?  If so, I can't imagine why.

One Vampire escapes, leading Van Helsing to remain alive further to kill all of them.  Did I mention that he was Immortal?  Probably should have, huh?  The End.
This bites.  I'm sorry for the bad pun- not really- but I can't help but feel that this movie is being helped back by it's backers.  The Asylum can make good use of their low-budgets at times, making very focused films.  Even when a whole city is under siege in Battle of Los Angeles, you only really see a dozen people.  This film, however, constantly tries to be bigger than what it could be given.  For example, the titles are played over a montage showing that Van Helsing has been battling vampires between the 1890's and Present Day.  Why isn't that a movie?!?  Van Helsing fighting Vampires during WWI.  Van Helsing battling Vampires during the Mexican-American War.  Van Helsing fighting Vampire Hitler.  That plot has only been relegated into a random dream sequence/flashback in Bloodrayne 3.  To the filmmaker's credit, they try to spice the whole thing up with filters and odd flashback scenes.  Ultimately though, these do nothing to distract you from realizing that you're watching a cheap, no frills Vampire film.  Seriously, why is Dracula only in the intro and the plot actually about this True Blood-looking dude?  Take us away, stupid Van Helsing moment...
Next up, a Review in Pictures for an Asylum film with an all-star cast.  Just kidding- it's Brooke Hogan and Charlie O'Connell!  Stay tuned...

Welcome to Dracula's Curse!  As weird as this sentence sounds, today's movie appears to be a rip-off of an Asylum film.  I know, I'm shocked too!  The film in question is Bram Stoker's Dracula's Curse, a film I reviewed just over a year ago.  The similarities are so striking that I'm just amazed that anyone would touch it.  I'll go more into the plot similarities in the review, but I'll point out that a lot of the cast is shared among both films.  Both films have Rhett Giles and Leigh Scott, a common Asylum performer.  In a bit of confusion, the IMDB page for the films does not list them as being related.  However, whoever wrote the FAQs for them seems to disagree.  The same page also lists Curse as 'Following' Frankenstein Reborn and The Beast of Bray Road...since they have a lot of the same cast (Ghiles, etc).  So, in summary, IMDB is about as trustworthy as your neighborhood coke dealer.  With an all-star cast that includes one of the London twins, I'm sure that we'll get something great.  To see more proof to the contrary, read on...
In an exposition dump full of cheap CG and bad acting, we learn that a bunch of vampires locked up Lilith for all time, hoping that she wouldn't come back.  Considering that it's a well-worn Yancy Butler, it's a shame that they failed...

Oh yeah, they use the Nosferatu Amulet.  Words fail me.
The main plot involves a jerk (London) trying to get a building development done and rubbing a shop owner the wrong way.  Thanks to a random werewolf attack, he gets dragged into a plot involving werewolves, vampires and...
Rhett Ghiles, again playing a Van Helsing.  Is he the same guy?  Considering that he's not a vampire and his vampire girlfriend- aka 'The Bitch from Monster- is not here, I'd say 'no.'  I mean...sequel!
You have to see Mark Dacascos and his weird zombie/vampire make-up.  It almost makes the movie worth seeing- almost.
Leigh Scott is here as 'The Old Man,' a vampire Lord...or something.  He's clearly the same character, as shown by this comparison between the two films...
The plot gets a little bit jumbled thanks to this weird idea of cross-cutting between action scenes.  In one part, they jump between four different ones!  Random image!
With that out of the way, let's focus on the silly climax involving Lilith back alive and using magic.  ILM must be so jealous...
Scott's different Old Man meets a weird fate as he's zapped by...um, force lightning and aged to death.  There's no way that I can top this silliness unless...
...this happens.  The day is saved...for about five minutes, as the film ends on a climax Super Mario Bros-style.  Good luck.  The End.
I can't wait for the next 'sequel!'  The plot of this movie is kind of weird.  Basically, a guy is a complete dick, gets cursed with being a werewolf and just kind of randomly gets involved in a multi-century long feud.  Is he ultimately important to the story?  No.  He's just a plot device for people to explain the plot the audience.  With your main character pointless, who is there to root for?  Well, Dacascos is hilarious to watch, even if he is the villain.  Everyone else- meh.  The film tries to make me care, but I don't.  The bulk of the film is relegated to random plot points- the vampire hunters are assholes- and London being trained to fight using his werewolf powers...but not transforming.  Sorry, no budget!  The film is pretty terrible and forgettable, but there are glimmers of decent action- mostly Dacascos and his ability to randomly-teleport- and silly effects.  Here's an insult that might confuse you- it's not nearly as good as Dracula's Curse...which also sucks, but not as much as most Asylum films.  Just stick to that movie and it's random devil vampire.  He needs a movie, as opposed to silly crap like this...
Next up, a Werewolf film that rips off Freddy Kreuger and involves rape.  It's amazing how obscure this crap is!  Stay tuned...

Do you get it?  Do you get it?  This 2005 film by The Asylum was released in conjunction with George A. Romero's Land of the Dead.  Oh good- The Asylum is doing a zombie film!  At least I expect nothing but sub-par writing and effects from that genre to begin with.  Naturally, this company finds a different way to disappoint you.  This film is about mummies.  Sure- why not?!?  The plot of this movie involves an Egyptian Princess becoming reincarnated and trying to bring her old army back to life.  What 'star that at one point could do better' do they get?  A couple, actually.  This film features Bruce Boxleitner, Zach Galligan and former sitcom star Andrew Lauer (from Caroline in the City).  That actually brings me to a thesis of which I now have more proof.  I think that The Asylum films multiple movies together.  Case in point: Rhett Giles stars in this movie (May 2005), King of the Lost World (December 2005) and Bram Stoker's Dracula's Curse (January 2006).  Boxleitner also stars in King and Lauer has a cameo in that too.  Coincidence?  I think not.  So yeah, here's the movie.  Get out your not-Asia Argento as we join the...
The film begins with a pair of guys driving around in dirt bikes.  They eventually crash into a tomb and get killed by the traps within.  This is the Tomb of a an Egyptian Princess.  What's it doing in what appears to be Southern California?  That's a good question!  It's at this point that we meet Galligan (the archaeologist), Boxleitner (the Sheriff) and Lauer (the crime scene tech).  You just put all of your star power in one shot...and boy is it sad.  I mean, wow.  We meet the film's lead character- a woman who is going to help with the excavation.  She has some back-story with both Galligan and one of the other men in the group.  Translation: she's a whore.  When you have an illicit affair with Zach Galligan that doesn't take place in the 1980s, you need help.  Some CG lightning and crap happens randomly, causing the Princess to rise from you grave and come to life.  She wanders around for a bit and kills some of the people near the site.  Amongst the victims is Galligan.  It can't be- you found a way out of this shit-hole of a movie!  Good for you, Zach- I take it all back.  The remaining people look into the event until the back-up guy in charge (Rhett Giles) runs into the Princess. He agrees to become her servant and bring her men to sacrifice.  Yes, this has now become The Mummy.
We have to something else other than horror to pad this movie out, so what do they go with?  Lost love?  Family drama?  Sister-sister interaction?  If you went with 'all three,' you would be right.  We get a sub-plot involving our heroine trying to get back together with the guy from the dig site.  The problem: they broke up after her one-night stand with Galligan.  Thank God he's dead, huh?  The other two ideas are shown via the arrival of our heroine's sister.  This is a bit confusing, so try to keep up.  Our heroine is a straight-laced and her sister is a free-spirit, so there is conflict.  Oh, I guess that was actually pretty simple.  While all of this is going on, the naked Princess wanders around and eventually meets up with our heroines.  In a very important scene, we see our heroine speak a number of different languages- including Spanish, French and Italian- to determine what the woman understands.  She finally stumbles across it- Ancient Egyptian.  If you think that the idea of her speaking Ancient Egyptian is the dumb part, just wait.  Giles covers for the Princess in a really flimsy way, but nobody questions it...until the plot needs them to.  She kills a couple more men, using their blood to resurrect another Mummy.
All of this is building up to one thing: Mummies gone wild!  The Princess gets the final kill she needs, bringing all six people to life.  Our heroine's love interest escapes her attack by throwing acid on her...which has to hurt.  He meets up with our heroine and they discuss what to do.  The mummies attack the Hotel and kill some people we never knew, while Boxleitner and Lauer investigate.  The pair are attacked by mummies, leading to the death of the latter.  The Princess captures our heroine's sister, since she needs to sacrifice the blood of a virgin.  I bet you feel bad for interrupting her chance to drunkenly score earlier, huh sis?!?  The pair go to the dig site and confront the Princess, the woman speaking to her *again* in Ancient Egyptian.  Of course, this contradicts a scene earlier where the Princess and Giles talk in Ancient Egyptian right in front of her, prompting our heroine to go 'What did she say?'  Ugh!  The Mummies chase the sister around and one of them kills Boxleitner.  Speaking of ludicrous moments, Giles throws an axe at the boyfriend, who catches and throws it right back- the object going through his skull and sticking in the wall.  Who are you- Superman?!?  The Princess goes with Plan B and tries to sacrifice the boyfriend.  She stabs him, but gets killed.  Through magical Deus Ex Machina, however, they bring the boyfriend back.  The End.
I'd rather see you run over zombies in a super-car!  The plot of this movie is basic enough, but muddled down with filler.  Most of the stuff with Galligan early on, the stuff with the boyfriend and the stuff with the sister is pretty much meaningless.  So much of it is forced in via bad screen-writing.  Why does the sister need to visit?  Well, um, the heroine didn't bring enough clothes, I guess.  No, really.  This is an odd rip-off plot-wise as its build as a rip-off of Land of the Dead, but actually rips off The Mummy.  Here's a question: why six Mummy guards?  That's a strange number to pick, right?  The acting here is alright, but nothing special.  Boxleitner is good, but barely appears in the movie.  Everyone else here- meh.  The big problem is that this movie is full of silly goofs or errors.  For example, the ladder at the top of the dig site is shown to be wooden, but the part inside is always metal.  Can you buy ladders like that?  There's another bit where a woman is killed as brunette, but her dead body is found as a blonde.  Wow- just wow.  The movie has a bit of nudity and gore, but it's hardly enough to make this movie that interesting.  Fans of schlock horror can have some fun with this, but most people will just find it either dumb or boring.
Next up, The Asylum rips off the remake of a movie made in 2006.  The Hills are alive and full of flesh-eaters!  Stay tuned...
  

Apes are always good for a laugh.  As this site has proven with films like Konga and Link, they can be scary too.  Obviously, the most famous killer ape is King Kong, the ruler of Skull Island.  The character has a rich history, going from the original film to the 2005 film by Peter Jackson.  Along the way, he appeared in an RKO sequel, two Toho films, a film by the now-late Dino De Laurentis and a Japanese sequel that may or may not have existed.  Speaking of the 2005 film, there is another film with a giant ape that came out around the same time: this one.  This alleges to be a version of the famous Lost World story by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  I've seen many version of this tale (including the 1925 film) & this is hardly one of them.  I guess the only qualifier is that you have to be on an island somewhere and have giant insects/dinosaurs there.  Random note: Sarah 'embarrassing close-up from Monster' Lieving is here too.  Kill me now, please.  In spite of that, can this film give you a fun, pulp-filled time?  Get out your very important briefcase for my review of...
The film begins with a shadow of a plane flying by and crashing on an island...off-camera.  The survivors work their way out of the wreck and I begin to get a feeling of deja vu.  Never mind the fact that they did nothing to set up these people before the crash or anything!  One of them- a flight attendant- somehow ends up stuck in a tree, whereupon she is attacked by a giant ape!  I don't know how she got there or how she got so far away that nobody saw or heard the ape, but I'm sure that there's a reason.  The group begins to split up into the usual cliches, including the 'I'm in charge' guy, the 'why are you in charge' guy and the 'let's just stop fighting' girl.  Figured out what they're ripping off yet?  It's Lost!  The film is just one Sawyer, Chinese lady and fat guy away from being the show.  To fill in the 'Locke' role, they cast Bruce Boxleitner as the Captain, who is hiding a secret that may relate to that briefcase he carries with him.  As far as the lead guy, we get 'Van Helsing' from Dracula's Curse- yea.  The group agrees to split up and seek out the front of the plane, since it has the black box.  Amongst the group that stays, there is both the lead actor from Dracula's Curse (not Van Helsing) and the neighbor from War of the Worlds.  Gee, I wonder what's going to happen to them, he asks knowingly.  The others wander around for a bit until a spider attacks them.  It is bested easily, however, so why should we care?  On the plus side, it does distract me from Sarah Lieving's acting...
We get more wandering, before we cut back to the people left behind to see- big surprise- some villagers attack them.  Apparently the film cares about them as much as I do & stays on this scene for about fifteen seconds.  The important people find the front of the plane, but it's full of foliage.  Before I cry 'plot hole,' they explain that this is not the front of their plane.  Oh, this is apparently the popular spot for planes to crash.  This is an actual plot point that they steal from Lost directly.  Of course, since Lost hadn't explained it this plot point in 2005 (not the actual explanation to come later would be good), the people behind this film don't either!  A small plot point with Sarah Lieving being scratched earlier, but not getting help comes and resolves itself within about two minutes.  What point did it serve?  'Not Locke' is acting very suspicious, even going so far as to point his gun at a guy for touching the briefcase.  Does the guy mention it to anyone?  Nope.  Big-Lipped Alligator Moment?  Oh look, more of the group get randomly-abducted by villagers.  Don't worry- no leads get taken.  Fun side note: one of the guys taken is the soldier guy from War of the Worlds.  He didn't show up before, so where the hell did he come from?  He's like the Science Teacher guy who agreed to go out and find the dynamite on Lost.  He was apparently just off-camera for the first year and a half, huh?  It's as dumb here as it was there.  Oh look, a Kong footprint...by itself...huh?
This movie has 'back,' choosing to stick all the explanation into the last thirty minutes or so.  Our heroes escape a cave full of CG scorpions, although the Vampire Lord guy from Dracula's Curse dies when he goes back for Sarah's camera.  Feel bad, lady?  They end up in the clutches of some villagers, who set up the three women for a ceremony.  The Flight Attendant lady signed the 'Nudity Allowed' waiver and gets painted up, while Sarah did not- hurray?  The group is put in a cave where they meet a crazed guy played, shockingly enough, by Steve Railsback.  Still glad that you did Helter Skelter after thirty years of typecasting, Steve?  He sets up a plot point involving setting up a radio to call for help, but that goes nowhere.  We learn that Boxleitner was so paranoid because he's on a mission to retrieve a lost nuke and he had the detonator in the case.  Why did you bring that exactly?!?  He has a back-story with one villager, but that just leads up to a fight- yawn.  In the end, the guys are laid out for a sacrifice to some pterodactyls (you again) and, shock of all shocks, the neighbor guy gets killed.  King Kong shows up again, since he had to justify his appearance on the DVD cover.  He kills Railsback and a bunch of people, while our heroes escape.  Thank you, plot point about the woman being converted- only to turn out that she wasn't.  Boxleitner dies from wounds he didn't get in the fight & gives the detonator to our hero, who blows up a giant ape with a tactical nuclear bomb!  Of course, they're also stuck- The End.
This movie sucks- even with a giant ape in it.  The plot is dumb and barely-explained.  Shall I break down the many questions like I usually do?  Okay, since you asked nicely.  Why do planes crash here?  Why did they send their agent (Boxleitner) in the guise of a pilot, as opposed to a passenger?  Did they plan around the plane crashing and, if so, did they have a way off for him?  Why are there dinosaurs, giant spiders or King freaking Kong here?  It's not another dimension or a lost island under the Earth- it's just an island!  You would think that people would have occasionally run across this place and said 'Oh shit- why are giant things here?'  So many plot points here just serve as filler and the cast is just completely-random.  By the way, good job taking the cast of your Dracula movie & just putting them in your King Kong rip-off!  Seriously, did they wrap the film and go 'So, who wants to be in a Jungle Peril film?'  The special effects are terrible, with the hight point being the Kong.  Despite slapping his body on the cover, he barely appears here and looks like shit the whole time.  One funny part: a group of jets attack Kong (it's in the contract) while one of them apparently doesn't notice him.  He flies his plane, looks at Kong and goes 'Oh shit!'  Really?  Another funny bit is the woman who holds her skirt down during a scene where they're running from Kong.  Yes, it's important to not let people see your Ladybird Johnson instead of living!  Hi, Fourth Wall!  There are some unintentional laughs here, but it's not quite enough.  By the way, I could not possibly have planned for the timing of this review's release.
Next up, The Asylum dares to make a rip-off of a film that dramatically failed to meet fan expectations.  Don't worry- they find a way to make it worse.  Stay tuned...