Some bad guys- who don't factor into the Plot after this- find the Black Orb and return him to life.
Our Heroes- a Fighter and a Mage- discover that a sleeping, black Dragon is under a nearby Castle.

He's apparently also a God and is slowly waking up.

They try to do a vision spell, but it has disastrous effects long-term.
He assembles a Team- which includes a Cleric, a Wizard, a Barbarian and a Rogue/Thief- to find Damodar and the Orb, which is the key to stopping the Dragon from awakening.
Back at the Castle, the Mages all try to figure out the secrets from the Books.  Bob would gladly do this Sidequest!

Unfortunately, Love Interest Mage was cursed by Damodar via that spell and is slowly turning into a Zombie!

Oh, well- back to the Books!
The group in the field runs across a Lich, who chases them off after a brief fight.

He proceeds to report this to Damodar, who's busy up in his own Castle waiting for the Dragon God to arise.

In a move that is both surprising and also not, the former Henchman is basically just that again, doing this whole thing to give him someone new to work in the service of!
He sends an Ice Dragon to kill them and it proves to be 20% successful.

It freezes and kills the Cleric (!!!) before they defeat it.

Who will cast Heroes Feast now?!?
They fight some bad guys- just random guys in Armor- and solve some puzzles.

For better or worse, doing stuff like this IS what happens in D&D Campaigns.

I will say that 'Safe Steps only visible while looking in a mirror' is still pretty silly, even for D&D.
After a series of moments- including Damodar being defeated by a single swing, but then that victory being overturned via trickery-, the titular God is awake and he's...pretty freaky.

It's not amazing CGI, but it is Made for TV and from 2005.
Surprisingly (or not), they have to defeat Damodar AGAIN (via simply knocking him down) to get the other Orb and defeat the God.

It's an odd gambit as he says he's not afraid of death, so they threaten to kill him...and he stands down.  Huh?

Oh well, the day is saved...although the Cleric is still very dead.  The End.
A fun, if low-budget adventure.  Don't get me wrong- I've seen way cheaper. 
It's just that they rely so much on CGI- for things that would be hard to do without it, to be fair- that it sometimes looks...janky.  The Practical stuff- make-up, masks and costumes- all look alright.

Well, that Lich does, especially the more he just kind of hangs around.

The Film does aim to be something big, so points for that.  As noted, it is definitely in the spirit of the game too.  Everyone has some sort of Arc- even if it is just being nice to a Barbarian- so that's good too.

Does it rise above the standard Fantasy Fare though?  I mean...Lord of the Rings was already a thing, so that's a high hurdle to clear.

Fans of D&D can enjoy this one, provided they know what to expect.  Remember that this was 2005, so Amazon was still selling you Books and not spending A BILLION DOLLARS on a TV Show.

As a bonus, they left Damodar around for the Sequels.  What do you mean he's not in it?  Well...shit.  Sorry, champ.

Next up, a silly Film brought to me by Rifftrax.  You'll see a lot more of the 'light' from this one over the next few weeks.  Stay tuned...

He plays a locked-up Mystic with a quest to give.
In the other corner, you have Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He plays a British (pause for laughter) Warden who will let his prisoners fight for their freedom.
Sound good?

Well, enjoy about 10 minutes of the Film then.

It's *actually* about the Cartographer from Viy/Forbidden Empire as he stumbles across a Plot cribbed from a French Story.

Said Story is now about a Russian King, since those rubles don't pay themselves!
…or is it actually a Story about a Magic Dragon (not Puff), a Witch and some guys that they stole from Big Trouble in Little China?

Is it...all 3?!?
So, in summary, this Film is about the following...

A Cartographer hired by Peter the Great who goes to China.
A Magic Dragon held captive by a Witch.

A Princess who must save said Dragon at the behest of her father (Chan)

Chan trying to escape from a British Prison.

Russian Pirates helping our Hero's Wife save him (while Charles Dance stays at home).

Any questions?
An odd Film experience all-around.  So, this one has alot of back-story.  It was a Sequel to a Russian Film that was a big hit.  It was co-Produced by China.  Weird how a Film by these two has zero Gay Characters, huh?  Strange.  Anyhow, this mish-mash of Wuxia, Action Film, Fantasy and Historical is...as weird as that sounds.  It's never quite a full Martial Arts Film.  It's never quite a Fantasy Exploration Film.  It is never quite a Film where magic is 100% real.  For instance, it retcons the ending of Viy/Forbidden Empire where he thinks that everything wasn't magic.  At the same time, magic is definitely real, since we have a magic dragon and a Witch.  At the same time, the Witch fakes the Dragon (as she can't control it).  She also fakes having magic bodyguards by way of technology.  She also has magical masks that allow her (and others) to look like the Princess.  So...is it real or not?  The Film's biggest problem is focus.  It opens with a long bit of exposition about the dragon...which doesn't matter until like the hour mark (if that).  It sets up Flemyng's Lead...only to constantly forget about him.  It sometimes remembers its Characters throughout until *most* of them show up for the ending.  It begins and ends like a Wuxia Film with either Donnie Yen, Jet Li or, well, Jackie Chan in a small role.  In the middle, it's Russian Kreplach, American French Fries, British Bangers and whatever Country you think Arnold's accent is supposed to represent here.  Let's see if this Russian Poster clears anything up...

A weird-ass mish-mash of Genres.  If you like your Desert with your cheap Steak and your Sushi, this one is for you...weirdo.

You are full of lies!  Today's film is Dragon Wars: D-War.  Wait- is it actually D-War: Dragon Wars?  The Poster, DVD Menu and the actual Title Card can't seem to make up their mind, so neither will I.  I will say this: it's a stupid title.  For one thing: D-War is a singular thing, while Dragon Wars is plural.  Did this title make more sense?  Secondly- it's a lie.  Even excluding the fact that there could be, at best, a single Dragon War, there is, well, none.  Seriously, there is no war involving Dragons.  You could argue that the film's semi-climax counts, but it doesn't.  There is a single Dragon in the film, although you really have to wait to see it.  This film is a South Korean one, but there were some major adjustments made for the juicy American market.  For all the talk of the added characters in Iron Man 3, this film has all of its main characters as Americans.  Craig Robinson is not from South Korea is he?  If you're on the fence about this film after all of the negative hype it got back in 2007, allow me to shed enough light on it for you.  As Dragonforce said, it's time to prepare for war...
Try to follow this plot.  It either hooks you (ha) or loses you within the first twenty-minutes.  Ready?

A meteor-like object hits Los Angeles (off-camera- naturally) and a Reporter covers it.  He sees a scale leading to a flashback of...
...him as a kid.  He goes to a man's Antiquity Shop and sees a magical light.  The owner- Robert Forster- tells him a story of...
...a tale of love/loss in Feudal Korea (if that was really a thing).  There are creatures called Imoogi (enjoy, Spell Check) that can use a woman's magical mark to become a Dragon.  The catch: it can only be done every 500 years.

The Guardian and girl choose to die, delaying the cycle for a while.
Back in the Present (of 2007), the girl is reincarnated as this blond lady.  Insert your own Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Remake or Original) here.
The evil Immogi goes on a rampage in Los Angeles, somehow attacking with nobody knowing about it.  Where does a giant lizard hide?  How does it evade notice?  Where does it poop?
The Reporter turns out to be the reincarnated spirit of the Guardian.  It's good to know that we were turning Korean heroes into white guys long before Cloud Atlas.

As a side-note: does this give anyone Birdemic flashbacks?
The forces of evil gather at a very familiar landmark.  Does Batman know that you're hiding out by his exit?
The worst evil though: the film cheaps out by doing the 'Oh- that scene was just a dream bit.'  Twice.  In a row.  Just die already, movie.
In defense of the film, the semi-climax where the army attacks Los Angeles is a bit of mindless fun.  The CG is good too.  It helps when you go nearly three times over budget.
With about five minutes left in the film, the good Imoogi FINALLY shows up, literally at the last possible second.  Still no Dragons.
With about three minutes left, our heroine gives up her spirit to allow the good Immogi to become a Dragon. Nice of you to finally show up.

I won't SPOIL the surprisingly-dark Ending for you though.  You kind of have to see it.  The End.
This is a giant mess.  It's a Korean film.  It's a film for Americans.  It's a Floor Wax.  Five points on the imaginary Scoreboard if you get that 30 year-old SNL reference.  This film really doesn't know what it wants to be for more than five minutes- if that.  There are giant creatures, random comedy, Wuxia-style elements, a confused Craig Robinson and showdowns with the military.  One scene involves the bad Imoogi eating an Elephant, only to be seen by a Guard.  Said Guard is later in an Asylum (within a day, mind you) and shows up to just close out his 'comedy arc.'  What does this have to do with the battle between good and evil for the fate of mankind?  Jack shit.  The only good parts here are the Imoogi effects and some of the other creatures.  Given the inflated budget, you would hope that they looked good- which they do.  Other than that, this is a basic framework for a good movie somehow filtered into a silly, confusing mess.  If you like 'so bad its good' films though, this one has potential.  It takes itself very seriously and can be good for a laugh- something that Craig Robinson is in everything except this film.  Sorry, confused Craig.
Next up, a film by the man who brought us Rubber.  If loving Wrong is you, I don't want to be right.  Stay tuned...

I'm going to pretend that this is just based on the one game in the series that I like.  Today's film is Dragon Age: Rise of the Seeker.  It's a new film, which kind of confuses me.  Most of the films I'm going to cover here are releases designed to coincide with a new game release (i.e. tomorrow's Resident Evil film).  This film is about a year late to be for the last game and a couple more to be based on the original.  The story, however, is much closer to the original game.  I r confused.  On the plus side, it's based on the game I like.  Given how complex the back-story of the game is, I was concerned that it would be either too simple or too dense.  How did they do?  To find out, read on...
The story is a bit complicated.  There is a strict Church group and there are Mages, which are feared and controlled.  It's all very deep at times.

Instead of lingering on that, here's the title line...
The villains are a cabal of Blood Mages, magic-users that use blood for their spells.  The villains are using an Elf girl for something, but...
...our heroine arrives with a group of Templars.  She makes short work of them, but the main villain escapes.

It's also at this point that you realize that this movie is going to be bloody.  It's not kid's stuff!
Things take a turn, however, as our heroine goes along with her mentor on a mission that seems to go against her beliefs.  Oh and that guy who was obviously going to die...well, he dies.
Our heroine- who hates Mages- is forced to team up with a Mage to save the day.  This leads to the film's one odd omission.

The original game is all about the Blight and their threat.  They show up here...in one scene...as lackies.  There's Fan Service and then there's silliness.
As we learn, our heroine has a tragic back-story involving Mages, which explains her prejudice.

That's nice. Want to go save the kingdom from an army of Dragons now?
I won't SPOIL the entire finale, but I will say that things don't exactly go well at first...
 In true video-game fashion, the Boss gets beaten...but then transforms into a new form.  This is actually a neat-looking finale and quite epic, so I won't SPOIL that either.
I will say that the film sets up sequel-bait.  Is this for a game or a film?  The End.
Dragons are always cool- Asylum films aside.  In all honesty, I didn't know what to expect with this film.  For one, I didn't even know that it existed.  Second, I was unsure as to which game they would make into a film.  If you don't know, Dragon Age 2- as an Electronic Arts sequel- changed a lot of things, including the leads and the location in which it was set.  Thankfully, this was based a lot more on the first game.  Regardless of how you feel about the games, the film tells a good- albeit safe- story.  The characters start out one way and go through a nice little journey of change.  As a whole, the thing feels nicely-paced and has some good action.  Some of the plot twists- which I won't SPOIL- were pretty obvious though (at least to me).  They don't do too much to really break the mold- as one might say- but it's a good story nonetheless.  It probably won't blow you away, but it's a solid, action-adventure tale that stands on its own and alongside the series.  While I yearn for a good game to come in the series, I leave you with this one shot to entice you to see the finale...
Next up, the sequel to a Resident Evil animated film that was decent.  On the plus side, there's no Milla Jovovich in sight!  Stay tuned...

Now for Number 2- joke fully-intented!  This is Dragon Crusaders, another Asylum Dragon film.  To be fair, the plot is different.  The plot is still stupid, full of holes and builds up to a whole lot of nothing, but it is different!  This film involves some Knights Templar- who I guess escaped the torture and eye-gouging of their comrades- who try to help save a Village.  All it takes is one dumb Witch-in-Training to screw that up, however, sending them off on a quest to stop an evil Wizard.  Uh oh- Merlin's gone rogue!  I kid, but 'Merlin' is here.  In fact, most of the major Actors from Merlin are here, including the Ladies of the Lake, the Commander and even the random guy who gets killed by grabbing Excalibur first.  I'd say that it was a Merlin reunion...but they probably never left.  It reminds me a lot of how the same cast of Actors were in The Beast of Bray Road, Dracula's Curse, Legion of the Dead & King of the Lost World- all realized between late-2005 and early-2006!  This really speaks more about me, as I can recognize repeat Asylum actors and the roles that they played.  Before I get myself psychological help, I have to review this movie, so read on, you crazy diamonds...
In a random, Syfy Opening scene, this guy is killed by a Dragon.  Alright then.
In the actual plot, a fishing village is attacked by Pirate-lite villains.  Amongst the people, this wannabe-Xena.  You totally make sense in this plot, lady!
They go on the Pirate-lite's boat to rescue the Witch-in-Training, only to find that she put a curse on the boat.  Anyone who has spilled blood will turn into a monster.

Okay- obvious question time: why the hell would you turn killer 'Pirates' into killer monsters?  Do you just hate everyone?  Are you a moron?!?!?
Quick- save them, Merlin.  Oh sorry, you're 'Insert Generic Fantasy Name Here' the Knight Templar.  When did they recruit you again?  Yesterday?
The curse takes effect, but works at different times depending on how much 'evil' the Knights have inside of them.  Translation: having them all turn at once would kill the movie's premise.
After much adversity (mostly from each other), they face off with greater forces like this evil Wizard (who looks like an evil Kyle Gass). 

Fun Fact: our hero is killed, but brought back by Irish Magic.  How much does that factor into the plot?  It never comes up again- naturally!
After failing miserably at first and running away, our remaining heroes use the highly-explosive rocks/silt mined right by the Dragon/Wizard's Lair to blow it up.  Science says "why not?"
As a bonus, those that were transformed into monsters turn back to normal.  It would totally kill this 'happy ending' to have them check on their friend that they decapitated- who would now be a head-less human.  A happy 'Merlin' says The End.
It's not any better the second time.  The plot of this movie has potential, but it has to cheat to really work.  The curse is so specific for the plot, just to make it work.  The Pirate-lites transform right away...but are never shown.  Is there any pay-off to them?  Nope.  When there's one guy who's not transformed, he's killed within minutes by the first Templar to transform.  So much for the potential drama of being the one guy who has to decide whether or not he has to kill his friends, huh?  The curse effects them slowly and at different times.  I get the reason for this (as a movie), but in the actual plot it's a bit goofy.  Here's the other thing: this is just an excuse to make them fight the Wizard.  They pretty much say at one point that they would fight him regardless of whether doing so would break the curse.  "Ha ha- I cursed you, Superman!  Now you'll die if you don't constantly rescue Lois Lane!"  This film- like Merlin- does have its moments, but it mostly falls flat. Re-using the same cast- including the Ladies of the Lake- doesn't help at all.  If you want a great summary for the film's quality, just look at the DVD Menu.  None of it matches- not the Dragon's color, the hero, not even the hero's outfit!  It looks like a Green Dragon is fighting Almighty Thor!
Next up, The Asylum copies a movie that grossed $11 million out of its $80 million budget.  On the plus side, they got 'Burt Gummer' on board!