This is scary.  Not that actual Film, mind you.  That...is just not that good.  No, it is scary that stuff like this gets made.  Today's Film is Killer Story, a 2004 Horror Anthology Film.  This is a micro-budget Film, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  As I've said before, people can make good Films for $200,000 and shit Films for $200,000,000.  The problem is that the Budget detracts from major moments in pretty noticeable ways.  On top of that, it isn't very good.  The Story involves 2 Authors meeting up for a Contest to determine who can tell the best Story.  Given their Stories, can I just vote that they both lose?  Anyways, the 2 Leads are William Smith (the bad guy in just about everything) and Joe Estevez (the bad guy in Rollergator).  No offense, but we aren't starting off strong.  So they both tell their Stories and then we get the obvious Twist.  There are problems with said twist, but I'll get to those in time. In the meantime, see what else can go wrong...
Two Writers (Smith and Estevez) meet up at a Diner in the middle of nowhere.  They are expecting their friend (who is related to Edgar Allen Poe!), but he's not there.

Who is there then?  A woman who promises a prize- herself- to the Winner.  Start us off, Joe...
This guy is a failed Writer.  Specifically, he wrote one Episode of Cop Rock.  No, really.

He's unhappily-married and his wife (who gave up Acting for him) hates him.  He loves her old Publicity Photos though...
After getting bad-mouthed, pushed around and actually stabbed in the leg(!), he kills her and mounts her face near his desk.  As the Story ends, he goes to kill her new lover (a woman) too...
After a short break (the Film is barely 80 minutes), it is time for Smith's tale.

In his, a struggling Archaeologist is stuck with her dad in the house, so she eventually kills him (for chewing too loud and often).
After doing the deed, her comrade/lover finds what they were seeking.  Unfortunately for her, her guilt drives her crazy and she runs off a nearby cliff.
Back in the Diner, the woman has her own Story to tell.  It is about a Stripper who was left out in the cold to die by two people.

Yes, it was them.  No, this was not set up in any way previously.  Hurray.
As a final bit of silliness, the Bartender (who was her Son and not a Ghost) leaves and the place explodes.  The End.
Yeah, this is just pretty bad.  Make no bones about it: this is really just kind of subpar (at best).  The Story could easily work.  Neither Smith nor Estevez are really bad in their Roles- there just isn't much to them.  Their Characterization is pretty one-note.  It was interesting to learn that the Poem that Smith recites before his Story was actually written by him though!  The Twist Ending to their Story is fine...but not set up at all.  Nothing in the build-up would make you think that they killed a lady (even if it was by neglect).  They don't foreshadow this at all.  That said, the Set-up for the overall Story makes the Twist pretty easy to see coming.  If they could have set up the actual details, it could have worked.  Make sense?  The other Stories are not that great.  The first one just makes all of the Characters so unlikable that you root for nobody.  No matter what happens- you don't care.  At all.  The second Story isn't much better in that department.  Neither one has a pay-off really worth the boring execution of the rest of the tale.  All in all, just a missed opportunity.  I did learn a new trick to do if you are a Low-Budget Auteur: Cast your Expert in one of the Roles (as his own Expertise)...
Next up, I give a Film who's Cover Art has already been covered an actual Review.  Will it fare any better?  Stay tuned...

So who exactly thought that this was a good idea.  

Today's film is Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan.  

Just go ahead and let that soak in for a minute.  

Done groaning?  Good. 

 So yeah, it's your typical Slasher Film compiled from a dozen cliches and tropes.  The difference- Jason Voorhees is now a real Giant.  The whole thing looks and feels cliche and cheap.  The film showed up in many a Redbox, which triggered me to check Netflix.  

Nothing against the Blockbuster-replacement, but Netflix is already sending me films all of the time- why would I need to use it?  

As luck would have it, the film was put on Streaming last week, so I got to see it for you.  The biggest stars on board are Dan Haggerty (still Acting apparently) and Joe Estevez.  I haven't seen you since Roller Gator!  

Will this silly thing be better than a film about a rapping Alligator puppet?  To find out, read on...
The film begins by immediately reminding me of Asylum films.  That's a bad sign.

By the end, I almost wish I had been watching one.
The film opens over 100 years ago in Winter.  A group of Loggers are at a settlement and appear to be ready for a nice Barbeque.
Unfortunately, a freaky mutant attacks and kills everyone.  To see the film's budgetary limitations, you have to see the scene with the Giant Saw.  

I won't SPOIL it for you.
Jumping ahead to the Present, a bunch of first-time offenders are sent to a Camp to learn skills that will help them.  It's a plot thread seen in numerous films, including See No Evil.

By the way, that film is getting a Sequel.  I'm happy for Kane, but sad for the rest of the human race.
Out in the Woods, the once-normal-sized Paul is now a Giant.  They don't really explain it in any logical way, nor do they explain how nobody has spotted him in the last 119 years!

This out-of-context shot sums up how I feel about the film's first real glimpse of Paul.  It's...something.
This film is so ho-hum that I have time to mention the Casting.  Here's a weird one: the son of Martin Kove is in it (see below).  

Maybe him and Greg Evigan's Daughter can go on to Star in crappy, Direct-to-Video films for years to come like their Dads.

On the plus side, he's not appearing in a 1313 film!
In a plot point out of about 100 films, Bunyan chases the group since they took something that was dear to him.  In this case, it was the horn of Babe, who was killed in 1894 by the Loggers.

When you're stealing ideas from Crocodile, you're not even trying!
Around the halfway point, Paul finally starts killing people.  

Somehow this dumb girl doesn't know that a 20-foot giant is behind her.  

How do you not smell him? 

I mean, how long must he have been wearing those pants?!?
Joe Estevez is here to save the day!  Seriously, he's the only interesting character here.  He's the guy who's been apparently caring for Paul and is there to give his back-story.

Mind you, there is no *good* explanation for how he knows this, since Paul doesn't speak.  I guess he could be lying.  

Regardless, this is where we'll end, so as to not SPOIL too much more.
Everything about you is lame.  

That said, the movie is fun to watch ironically.  It's not a perfect 'so bad it's good' film as it takes a bit too long to get going.  

On some level, that works.  It gives you plenty of time to prepare for the shit.  

On the other hand, if you're going to watch it for the shit, you don't want to wait so damn long!  

That said, the terrible effects, writing and overall production values are a hoot.  If this were a Troma or Full Moon film, they would have ruined it.  This appears to be a genuine effort made by someone trying to make a hit film.  It's not tongue-in-cheek like Sharktopus, attention-grabbing like Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus or trying to make your drunk ass laugh like, well, every Troma film ever.  

It's for that reason that the film succeeds...by failing.  If you can get past the slow open, it's a laugh riot.  The characters are so one-dimensional and every scene is so predictable.  The giant effects are the real show-stealer.  

This film has the potential to be the next Birdemic (although that film has about 800 other reasons why it's funny bad).  If you want to see it before it may become 'hip' to do so (a la Sharknado- which even my parents have seen!), check it out on Streaming.  Well, unless you're Maynard- sorry.  

The best/worst thing about the giant effects is that they were done better...in 1988.
Next up, a Marvel Comics film made in Australia (for no clear reason).  Will Dolph 'break us' or make a film that holds up better than you might think?  Stay tuned...

Good Lord- I could not have imagined the horror of this film!  For the uninitiated, here's a quick summary to get you up to date.  Donald G. Jackson had one big film- Hell Comes to Frogtown.  He made a low-budget sequel and, well, kept making lower and lower-budget films.  He eventually met a friend and they made some truly awful-looking films.  I won't mention the friend's name, since he's in a bad mood these days.  In the midst of his continued goal to make bad films for no money, he made Roller Gator.  It's a film about a rapping, purple alligator.  Feel free to flee now if you want.  If you're still with me, you should know that it's biggest star is Joe Estevez, a working actor and brother of a more-famous working actor named Martin Sheen.  He appears in a lot of films like this, many by Jackson himself.  This film is as bad as it sounds for the obvious reasons, but sounds like it may have a weird charm to it.  Unfortunately, a dozen little things- and a few big ones- really ruin that.  To find out more about my trip to low-budget hell, read on...
The movie begins with a five-minute sequence of this blond woman and Joe Estevez wandering around an Amusement Park.  This is obviously a real Park, since people are constantly staring at the camera.  She finally exits that scene and goes to a beach...
...where she hears a cry for help.  It seems to be coming from...a purple, alligator puppet.  It was crying out for help, but doesn't want company.  If you think that's illogical, you obviously haven't noticed the Ninja just kind of hanging out in the background.
Joe Estevez is after the titular Gator.  Why?  He wants it to be a Side-Show attraction, of course.  To that end, he hires a Ninja to catch it.  Just to note: a Carnival Owner can hire a Ninja...why bother with with the talking Gator?
The Swamp Farmer- played by former-Ed Wood alumni Conrad Brooks- is trying to find the titular Gator.  If you didn't know that, he repeats this about 80 times...in every scene.

There's no way to get confused by this movie's plot- they hammer it through your damn skull!
Given that the budget of this movie can't be more than $20,000, it's no surprise that the Puppeteering work is awful.  Could you make it less obvious, movie?!?
In 80 minutes, this is the closest thing you get to an action scene.  A woman riding Rollerblades with a puppet in her backpack being pursued by a Ninja on a skateboard.  Please kill me now.
Just a quick aside before the plot wrap-up: this movie can't keep the people in focus properly.  Look at the left-hand corner of the picture!  This guy has made dozens of films by this point, but fails at this?!?
A pretty weak battle between a character called Karate Instructor and the Ninja takes place.  After that, the Swamp Farmer finally shows up and the two live happily ever after.  As for Estevez...
...his actions against the Gator led to him getting The Curse of the Gator...from, um, God, I guess.  This effect is so cheap that Estevez has to pull the mouth into place to make it look like he's biting.  The End.
I was wrong- I was horribly wrong!  I thought that this movie would be good, stupid fun.  Unfortunately, this movie kills its potential like that guy I met in the Alley three hours ago.  Don't tell anybody, okay?  So what are the problems with this movie?  First up, it looks cheap.  There's no way around it.  You could be making the next Ran, but if you filmed it for $1,000 in a Parking Lot, it would be awful.  Second, the acting is really bad.  Estevez is fun here, but he is the only good person here.  On the plus side, Conrad Brooks shows us that 50 plus years of experience still can't make you a good Actor.  Sorry, Conrad.  Third- the Soundtrack.  I didn't mention it yet, but here's the thing.  To truly understand how annoying the music is, re-read this review very slowly and play a single Guitar instrumental the entire time.  If it takes you 80 minutes to read this and you never stop playing the song, you have experienced Roller Gator.  That's not counting the bad rapping by the Gator, the dull delivery of every actor not named Estevez and the barely-in-focus camera work.  On one hand, it's a sight to behold.  On the other hand, watching an Elephant rape a Giraffe would be a sight to see.  It would be a horrible sight, but it would be memorable.  As a bonus, the film includes a cameo by one of the residents of Frogtown...just because.  Why?!?!?!?
Next up, a week of original films versus their TV Remakes.  First up, Corman's classic film about fish people wanting to knock up ladies.  Stay tuned...