I blame you for this, Ted Turner!  As part of his deal to jump to WCW, Terry 'Hulk' Hogan was given other TV/Movie Deals on the Turner Networks.  It's because of this we got such things as Thunder in Paradise and the Shadow Warriors films.  Speaking of which, here is one of them.  The pair of films were made for TNT back in 1999.  Joy.  The film is about Hogan leading a group of Mercenaries that help out the common man a la The A-Team.  People sure do love to copy that show/film, don't they?  Who's on Hogan's team?  You've got Carl Weathers.  The man who beat Rocky, lost to Rocky and then got killed by a Predator.  A mixed track record for sure.  Oh and he was in an Asylum film.  Who's working with Action Jackson and The Hulkster?  We've also got Shannon Tweed, who hasn't been in a film I've reviewed in about three years.  Where does the time go?  The film's plot involves an Arms Dealer, a missile and lots of shooting.  If Hostel is 'Torture Porn,' then Shadow Warriors is 'Mass Gunfire Porn.'  If you like violence with zero consequences, this is your film.  If you like Hogan's toupee, then this is your film.  If you like bad '90s films, then this is DEFINITELY your film!  To find out more, read on...
Hogan's character is bothered by some sort of past trauma.  This is how he expresses that emotion.

Okay, this is how he expresses 90% of his emotions, but you get the idea.
Hogan and company are hired to rescue this girl from a vaguely-European guy who's hosting a fancy dinner party on a Mountain.  Those Downton Abbey bitches are going to get a cap in their ass!
The gang make a prolonged escape via a Tram and some rope ladders leading down to the ground.  It's the low-budget, low-excitement version of the 'Rope Line Escape' from The Expendables 2.

After they rescue the girl, this plot thread never comes up again.  Yeah, you just watched one-third of the film acting as filler.
The *real* plot begins when Hogan recognizes a man on a Wanted Poster as a supposedly-dead Arms Dealer.

We are eventually treated to a flashback hinted at earlier.  Basically, Hogan's men were killed by him and Hogan himself was poisoned.  He remembers the man's cold eyes and is convinced that they are the same.
While the others go to investigate whether this could be true or not (and meet Martin Kove), Hulk goes off on his own.  He decides to handle it the American way: he shows up with twin Assault Rifles and starts shooting terrorists in the face!

Important to note: Hulk never once dodges a shot or seeks cover.  In spite of that, he's not even grazed by a single bullet.  Wow.
He's eventually caught and injected with a poison that will kill him...in 72 hours.  Yeah, the villain didn't think this one through.

Hulk doesn't stay to get treated.  He joins his group to try to stop the Arms Dealer from unleashing the same toxin via a missile on the general populace.  Oh and the place targeted is where Tweed's daughter is.  Of course it is.
Hogan battles his way to the bad guys and tries to get the Arms Dealer.  Before he can do that, however, he must do battle with his main henchmen.

The man: future-Jason Ken Kirzinger (doing his best Kool-Aid Man here).  Bonus points for having Hogan do the 'Seagal Neck Snap' on him.
While Hogan pursues the villain, the rest of the team stops the threat.  Weathers and Tweed disable the bomb, while their fourth (barely-worth-mentioning) member finishes the other gang members off.  Oh and Martin Kove is flying around shooting people with a Magnum.
For the big finish, Hulk is cured, the villain is dead and they stop the missile.  They also rigged the place to explode, setting them up for this cliche.  It's oh so silly here.  The End.
It's exactly what you think it would be.  What can I say about this film?  It's a late-90s Action film built as a Starring Vehicle for Hulk Hogan.  It co-Stars Shannon Tweed and Carl Weathers.  Did you expect it to turn out to be great?  No.  The film is appropriately-stupid and features everything that you'd expect.  The worst thing that could happen is that the film could be so generic that nothing is interesting about it.  It isn't.  Even if you pay no attention to the barely-there plot, you get silly action scenes, lots of fake gunfire and tons of fake fight scenes.  It is fairly-forgettable 90s trash as a whole.  If you like this kind of stuff, it is pretty fun.  Incidentally, the other film has Billy Drago as the Villain and Billy Blanks as his Henchman.  Naturally, I didn't get THAT one.  As a bonus from the film though, it features a young Emmanuelle Vaugier (the same year as The Fear: Halloween Night)...
Next up, a Cult Classic that I finally got around to re-watching.  With it getting a nod in Saints Row IV, the time is right to go Live with this one.  Stay tuned...

The movie is called is Sand Sharks.  That's my joke.  The End.

Alright, fine.  I can't get away that easily, huh?  Today's film is Sand Sharks, a movie attempting to ride the popularity of the 'ironic' monster movies.  You know the movies, right?  Hell, I've reviewed most of them.  Stuff like 2-Headed Shark Attack, Piranhaconda and Sharktopus is what I'm talking about.  The films have a mixed track record for me, but they must be doing well enough on Cable/DVD.  I don't buy them, personally, but someone must be doing it.  Supposedly Sharkopus is the highest-rated thing on the Syfy Channel in recent memory too, so I can see why stuff like Dragon Wasps is getting made.  The film, as you can imagine, is about Sharks that 'swim' through the sand and kill people.  One thing to address is this film's labeling on Netflix as a 'Comedic Thriller.'  While it has some comedic characters in it, the film is mostly played straight.  Believe me, I am NOT about Horror Comedies, unless they somehow rise above that description like Black Sheep does.  If you want a glimpse at whether or not to see this film, here it is...
In a drawn-out opening scene, two BMX Bikers are killed by the titular creature.  Mind you, this appears to be filmed IN A DESERT, but they somehow tie it to the beach later.

Oh yeah, the movie does get points for reminding me of the Lost Tapes episode about the Mongolian Death Worm.
After a truck-load of character back-story and exposition (it's not all that interesting, honestly), the 'Prodigal Son' of the Mayor- played by Edgar Allen Poe IV, no lie!- returns to set up a big beach festival.

Meanwhile, the titular creatures slowly begin to rack up their body count.
 I'd just like to take a moment of your time to show you what a real Sand Shark looks like.  That is all.
When they finally realize that a silly Shark is loose, the Sheriff calls in a Scientist: Brooke Hogan.  Not since Christmas Jones has there been a less believable Scientist in film history.  Congratulations, Sand Sharks.
As a bonus, the bizarre hybrid of Mickey from Rocky and Quint from Jaws is on board too.  His role is pretty small, turning him into more of a Plot Device than an actual character.
For the semi-climax, a Beach Party Bingo is interrupted by a Shark attack.  It's not just one Shark- it's a half-dozen!
I won't SPOIL what happens, but sufficed to say people die, Sharks explode and all sorts of body parts go flying.
Honestly, it sucks less than you might think.  While I didn't care a whole lot for the characters, I didn't hate them either.  To give me a Monster Movie where I don't hate all of the characters- especially in a Modern film- is a notable achievement.  That said, the Acting is Poor to Average at best.  Nobody has a real 'stand-out' performance here.  Given that the film's 'big stars' are Brooke Hogan and Corey Nemec, so what do you expect?  The Special Effects...are not that great either.  In HD, the blending of the CG to real-life is a mixed-bag.  That said, the silly CG does have its own style to it.  It's not just Generic Shark Model #2.  Granted, it's Generic Shark Model #2, but colored differently and covered in stripes/spots.  The whole thing is goofy, which is why I like that they play it seriously.  The comedy you do get is not that great, but its generally punctuated by the annoying person being eaten by a Shark.  Since it's set mostly at a beach, there's plenty of skin on display too, which is always good for a distraction.  Is Sand Sharks the low-point for ridiculous Monster Movie plots?  No, not by a long shot...
Next up, I return to Seagal territory.  Russian accents, lazy cops and body doubles- oh my!  Stay tuned...