Chocolate is not the only fruit

Today is not a good day

The doctors are getting younger at my surgery. I know that's an age thing - like when people say if you think police officers are getting younger it's a sign you're getting older. Last time I went I could have sworn the lad was only just in his twenties. He was good though so no complaints. The one I saw on Friday to get my results was just as young, but also buff. I mean proper goes to the gym, probably does iron man challenges and looked like the kind of doctor you see in an American TV show, not a suburban GP practice. Anyway, I wasn't there to ogle at his broad shoulders (they were fantastic !) I was there to find out if anything was wrong. He asked if I had been under any stress.

Hold my pint.

Now what are we counting as stress exactly ? I don't do stress. Nah. It's just not me. Do I keep myself busy doing things and keep going long past the point where by body and brain are tired of it all ? Maybe. Do I prioritise other people's needs over mine ? Mostly. Do I ask for help if I'm struggling ? Nope. Is it because I'm afraid of looking weak ? Dunno.

Have I experienced stressful situations recently ? Hell yes. Did I get through them ? Well, I'm here aren't I ? How did I manage the stress ? Well it felt like the whole world fell from under my feet. I was shaken and in shock. I put it in a box and carried on with what I had to do. I'm a parent after all. Kids don't care if you're an emotional wreck, they just want to know why they don't have that snack you promised.

Is it the stress that is contributing to lack of sleep ? Well dur. Of course it is. Waking up at 2am and again at 4am is no joke when you have to get up at 5.45 anyway. It's guaranteed to create a slight sense of unreality all the time.  Of course the clocks changing tonight and losing one hour of sleep isn't exactly helpful.

Buff doctor asked me if there was anything I was doing to reduce the stress. Not sure that's in my gift big fella. I mean it's really inconvenient having people get sick or die around you. Losing people (literally, figuratively or emotionally) is pretty much out of my hands. While I would love to have the capacity to make that stuff better I'm not sure I can. Yes I can run and swim and go to bed earlier. I can make sure I drink more water and eat sensibly. What I can't do is make someone come back, or not have cancer, or be with me if that isn't what they want.

Thanks Doc. I will take the healthy eating sheet and I'll increase my iron intake. I'm sure that will help.

The belief that we are enough is one I think a lot of us struggle with. I have a lovely bracelet engraved with the word 'enough' on it that is to remind me that however badly I think I'm doing it's ok. I don't feel that way though. It's been a struggle to get through this year and I previously wrote about how it felt like I was on a relentless upward ride that I was not in control of. If I'm honest it now feels as if I've hit the buffers. I kept going and going in the hope that this would not reach me, but it found me.

In the last year I have been running regularly - training for a half marathon - and this was helping to stave off the feelings of sadness. In the last two weeks I have been too unwell to run so my moods have been unpredictable and unstable. I'm not at my best when this happens. My emotions are all over the place and I get all sorts of weird physical symptoms that make no sense, but add up to anxiety. Then I have the outbursts brought on by self-loathing. Pushing people away so that they don't have to deal with my unreasonable needy self. The worst thing is I can't control who this happens with and often it's the wrong people who see this 'faulty' version of me. The ones who have little empathy or who like to say, "I care about you," so long as it doesn't involve actually doing anything. I care about people in a practical way - you know hugs, cups of tea, silly little gifts,  sending them a song to make them smile or an invitation to do something to cheer them up. Not just saying the words and getting on with my day.


At the moment I am not doing well at parenting. Since I returned to work the boys have had a change of routine that seems to have unsettled them (and us to be honest). It isn't as simple as saying if I was at home things would be better. After all we did that for years. I was fortunate enough to be around for the early days when they needed a lot of care and attention. Of course they still need that, but they are also independent, confident and at school all day so I decided I was ready to do something else. Now I have that dual guilt that comes from thinking about home when I'm at work and vice versa. I get the calls from school to tell me Blue Bear has bumped his head, but he's ok or Brown Bear has been in trouble during football club. The frequency of these calls has a direct impact on my ability to concentrate on my work. I realise I should be able to 'compartmentalise' these different areas, but for me it's all interconnected.

I went back to work full time this year which has meant the whole family has a new routine and new challenges. It is tiring. I leave the house before my kids wake up and some days I don't see Blue Bear at all if I'm out after work as well. It's not what I wanted for them and it is costing me in my relationship with them. I feel so disconnected from my sons sometimes that I really want to spend more time doing the mundane things like dropping them off to school. Not just the frantic pick up in the dark just before the cut-off time for late charges. I know they are in safe hands and they love being in after school clubs, but sometimes I would like to be there a bit more. I know they put up with the absence because they have to, not because it's what they want.

It feels like I am losing my grasp of the 'brave face,' I have been putting on for so long. If anyone asks how I am I barely hold it together to answer them. The banks burst open and I break down in tears and then I feel really embarrassed. I can't really justify being upset about the thing that has made me cry, but I find myself apologising and trying to find explanations to assure the person that it's ok and they didn't do anything wrong. They feel better and I'm still in bits and now I'm too ashamed to talk to them because I made a fool of myself.

The safest thing to do is to retreat into a space that is not filled with judgement or the potential to hurt anyone else. If I just keep myself on safe ground - silly jokes, amusing gifs and familiar memes I can turn their gaze away from how out of control it all feels. I can go through the motions of doing all the things you're supposed to and make small talk. I can't have any deep and meaningful discussions until this passes. I don't know when that will be.

For now I just want to get through one day without crying.

Apologies for the extended and unexplained radio silence over here. There are reasons.

The practical one is that my MacBook finally gave up after over 9 years loyal service. The other one is more involved. Since the start of this year it feels like I've been like sitting on a rollercoaster that is slowly creeping up the incline with the fear and anticipation that comes with it. Just as I think it's about to go over the top and gain momentum it turns out there is further to climb. Now in the interest of full disclosure I should tell you that I am not a fan of rollercoasters or 'scaring yourself silly in the name of fun.' I don't indulge in horror movies or chase thrills of any kind. It's just not my bag baby. So when I say that's what it's been like I mean it's involuntary participation in something that I can't predict and that I didn't want to be doing in the first place.

The incessant journey has included bereavements, family illness, starting a new job and the stresses that go with all of these things. At each stage I've gone into practical 'doing' mode so that we can get through it. Then it's become too much. After a while being on the edge of your nerves becomes the 'new normal.' (I hate the word normal - it's so judgie, but it's apposite here).  I've never needed much sleep and it's possible for me to function on very little, but I am at the stage where forming thoughts escapes me. Every day seems to present a situation that needs to be solved. A child who needs to be in two different places so there's the logistical planning. A work thing to attend or plan or deliver. Add to the mix the guilt at not being around to help with medical appointments or give sufficient time to listen to friends who are in difficulty.

All my energy was going into training for a half marathon and then it was done. My body kept going and going without enough rest. Each time I thought I'd get to rest it didn't happen. I gave up trying to get a break, it was pointless. Each time I think I will get to stop and rest something else happens. So I just keep going. It's like making a tower out of playing cards on a table with one slightly wonky leg. You know you're just putting off the inevitable. So I balance one more card on top. Yeah that's fine, it's only one more thing. I take another card because if I'm doing that I might as well just do this as well. The structure starts to look a bit wobbly. It's still standing though. Just.

I hate that whole, 'I'm more tired than you' competition that we're all supposed to be into these days. Everyone is busy - we're all doing too much. I'm not asking for sympathy. The reason I mention it now is that now I have a sense of a year having gone by without having had a chance to blink. The feeling of being in panic mode for the entire time has caught up with me. I am exhausted. My body aches and I am rarely coherent. This has been going on all year. No one can sustain that level of stress and be unaffected.

It's almost the end of the year and if I think about what has changed since this time last year it's been momentous stuff. Soraya was still alive this time last year. We were making radio shows and making plans for the radio station. I was at home and took my sons to school and picked them up and we were planning our first ever family skiing holiday (which was epic by the way !) I had more hair then - ok I know that's mundane, but it was a big deal to me.

So to go back to the rollercoaster analogy I am still in this rickety carriage that I don't want to be in. With fewer companions than I had before. The ones who are there are who I want to be with though. The sense of fear hasn't subsided at all. If anything that anticipation of something awful about to happen is ever present. I'm don't know when I'm going to arrive at the end of this ride, but I have to stop holding my breath in fear. After all, with everything that's happened surely I can deal with whatever comes next ?

Christmas is a busy time. As well as all the things we have to do with school - nativity, school fair, teacher gifts and cards for friends - there is the family stuff to do - buy gifts, wrap gifts, decide what day we're visiting who - and then I throw in the additional stress of a festive holiday and it just makes me operate at a level of intensity that would rival Olivia Pope. Ok I don't have her pristine outfits and designer handbags, but the level of precision required to keep on top of my to do list is pretty phenomenal. Actually I don't have one list I have several.

Unsurprisingly top of the list of worries is the cost of keeping children entertained during the long break. That and how to manage disruption to daily routines - are concerns I can identify with. I have a few rules about how to manage including getting the boys to decide if they want a lazy day or an active one. As it's been so hot this week we've had relatively low key days so far. I took them swimming this morning to cool them off before the heatwave set in. Yesterday we did one of my favourite low cost art activities:

The Big Picture

You know when you receive a package and it's filled with packaging material ? Well I unroll it to see if it's worth keeping and if it is brown paper I keep it in a box for rainy days and indoor fun. I lay it on the floor - or in this case on a long table - and put crayons, coloured pencils and pens in the middle. The boys have plenty of space to draw and/or write and it keeps them quiet for, oh minutes. Big pictures don't have to be kept, they are just fun to do.

One of the other worries in the survey was keeping the house clean and tidy during the holidays. As someone who is constantly trying to declutter and tidy my home I struggle with this one too. I try to be a bit laissez faire with the house during the summer, but I do expect a level of respectable tidyness. The playroom is going to get trashed - I accept that. I do have some chores that I like to get done and the boys have jobs to do too.

Printable planning sheets

These printables from Fellowes enable me to plan ahead with the boys and when I laminate them they are wipe clean and reusable too. If possible I can also try and build in some time for myself so that it isn't all too much. Managing time and workload can be tricky during the holidays, but it's important to make child free time to keep me sane.




I know the key for me is planning ahead and doing all I can to ensure that the boys are kept busy and occupied. I'll let you know how I get on !

For now take a look at the top ten things that parents stress about and hopefully feel better about yourself :)

Summer Stresses

Having the money to entertain the family

Keeping a child/children entertained

Juggling work with childcare

Keeping the house clean and tidy

Being able to get time of work when wanted/needed

Disruption to daily routine

Maintaining a good work/life balance

Finding time for yourself

Managing hay fever/allergies

Travelling with the family

*Fellowes surveyed 1003 respondents with children aged 4-8 years.

Disclosure: This is a collaborative post with Fellowes.