Chocolate is not the only fruit

Over the last few months I have started to write a blog post so many times. There are these half written posts lying idly around like the Marie Celeste with no discernible reason for their abandonment. Thoughts and ideas form and are beautifully worded in my head, but the impetus to put them onto the (electronic) page just isn't there. It's not like I've denied the world my deepest most profound thoughts, if anything it was to offer some light relief during a time where there is so much unease around.

I have, however, come out of self enforced silence for Mental Health Awareness Week. It's a topic I've posted about many times before. This time, however, I'm look at it from the perspective of children's mental health. It's been almost 2 months now that I have been at home with my two boys and it's given me pause for thought. Adults are struggling to make sense of the situation we find ourselves in and yet we are expecting children to accept it because we tell them to. How must it feel for them to be told that they can't go to school, see their friends or family ? Do we honestly expect them to be ok with not going to the park, or playing football or swimming ? We are fortunate to have a garden and lots of outdoor spaces within walking distance that are safe to visit during lockdown. They boys have explored woodlands, visited open spaces and played hide and seek in parks. They haven't been playing football, or going to McDonalds, or watching football as they would usually do on a Saturday, They haven't played with their friends and they can't go and see grandparents or aunties and uncles.

At the start of all this it was quite unnerving not knowing what would happen or how long it would go on for. Then we fell into a routine on 'school' days so the weekends still meant something. I prepare meals for my boys - and have got better at making chapatis for which we are all grateful. We spend time watching movies together. I put them to bed every night (with varying degrees of success) and we video call my parents most days so they get to see the kids. A few afternoons in the week I get a few hours to myself so I usually go to get food shopping or sometimes I will take the time to go for a walk. They've had ice cream a lot more than usual and are growing at a rate that is alarming (although perfectly natural of course).

On the surface this all appears to be ok, but so many small things make it obvious that things are not fine. They aren't at all tired like they would be if they went to school so they don't sleep as easily. Even if they do fall asleep it can be fitful and with upsetting dreams. The day to day communication can be fractured and grouchy at times - I mean being around each other pretty much all the time will do that to you won't it ? There has been one significant change for me, however, that has been incredible. The closeness that has developed between us. Ok, so the school stuff is mostly, "I don't want to do it." "Why can't we go back to school ?" "You're not my teacher." However, when we go for a walk there is often a moment when one or other of them will open up and talk to me about how they are feeling. It reminds me of the classic talking to a parent while in the car or washing up. If you don't have to look at them in the eye it makes it easier to say difficult things.

The movie Inside Out has helped my boys find names for their 'big' feelings and it's a useful tag to be able to refer to movie character when talking about feeling 'angry' 'afraid' 'sad' or 'confused.' Before we had all this time together I was at work full time and didn't see them for more than a few hours a day. The space for us to talk or for them to feel safe to open up to me wasn't there. We have built trust and a foundation which I hope means they will still talk to me when we do go back to school and work.

As a shared experience of parenting our children through a crisis so many friends have been talking about how they are struggling. Children acting out, being out of sorts or shutting down. We are all experiencing behaviours that are difficult to deal with on an almost daily basis. This might include anger, tantrums, refusal to listen or plain non co-operation. It's hardly surprising when the adults around them are tense and frightened too. A friend of mine who is a teaching assistant was talking to me about how they are preparing for children to return to school and she talked about dealing with their 'collective trauma.' That is the closest estimation to what I can imagine this is for them and how terrifying that must be for a child.

In the process of becoming an adopter I have attended courses to help support my sons and to enable me to deal with potential problems along the way. These have included training in attachment, early life trauma and a programme called 'non-violent resistance.' All skills that have been deployed in the weeks that we have been at home together. Once again I am so very grateful that I have had the experience of learning about childhood trauma and have considered the potential causes and some ways to support children with trauma.  I don't profess to have any skill or expertise in any of these areas, I just have some tools in the bag that I can use when things happen that are difficult.

This is such an immensely strange time and it is hardly surprising that our children are struggling with making sense of it. Just for now though know this:

- you are enough

- it is no one else's business how you do this

- we all have bad days, don't punish yourself

It used to be a running joke that on Mother's Day I would do something that didn't involve my kids. The logic was that I am a mum every day so for one day of the year I get to celebrate it doing something for myself. A spa day, going to the theatre on my own, something just for me. Then something happened last year that left me in shock. Actual shock. Three days before Mother's Day. I was already committed to spending the weekend with my own mother and my mother-in-law and not wanting to let anyone down I went along. On the Saturday with my family I took my kids - they only want to see them anyway - and acted like nothing was wrong. We had an afternoon tea and Prosecco. It was lovely. The following day we travelled down to see mother-in-law despite my wish to just crawl under a stone. I overdid the Prosecco and tried too hard to pretend all was well.

A few weeks later at Easter there was no more pretending. I was open and honest about what had been going on and that I wasn't prepared to tolerate it any more. What followed was the most painful time I have ever experienced. Months of punishing myself for not knowing, for being so stupid, for not trusting my instincts. To be clear I knew from the minute I found out it was over. There was absolutely no question in my mind. I don't regret this decision and I don't in any way wish to be back where I was.

In the first few weeks I had to deal with other people's reactions. I didn't want to tell all and sundry what had happened. I felt it reflected badly on me. I found out very quickly who I could trust and who I should stay away from. I formed a WhatsApp group of friends who I knew would be there for me at all hours. To agree with me while I was ranting, hold me while I cried and sometimes just to listen. I desperately wanted to feel loved again. I wanted someone to hold me and make it all better.

Each milestone has been like a millstone. The first holiday just me and the boys. I took my Mum with us and cried on her almost every day. She fed me and listened to me and did all those wonderful Mum things that you don't usually have any more once you leave home. The first Christmas as a single parent. Surrounded by other families who all came with a full complement of parents.

Every step of this has been like walking on broken glass. The cuts hurt, but I've kept going. I have had to. We're coming up to a year of this now. I've ensured the boys have support and that they see all the people in their family. That hasn't always been easy, but it is only fair.

I have held firm that I am not accepting less than I deserve. That I am worth more than I have tolerated in the past. I didn't actually believe it at first, but you know what they say, 'fake it until you make it.'

You see I pretty much always knew that I wanted to be a mother. It was the one thing that I wanted more than anything else in the world. For a long time I didn't think it would. I tried to make my peace with it. I was completely in love with a man who had children already. I dated a man who couldn't have them. I married a man who was told it would be unlikely. So many times it looked like it would never happen.

Then it did. I made a baby. Grew him and fed him from my body and now he's almost as tall as me. When it seemed that my miracle baby would be a one-off his amazing brother came along too. So here I am a mother to two boys. The best thing in my life.

This is a moment in time. I realise that. My sons have been the most incredible support to me while this hellish year has been going on. Seeing how kind and thoughtful they can be gives me hope that I am doing better than I think. Of course they also argue and fight and drive me mad, but that is only to be expected, They still make me laugh and hug me if I ask nicely.  Not in public of course - that would be embarrassing.

I will make the most of it while I can and this Sunday it will be just us. Me and these two boys who before I know it will be young men. Taller than their mum and handsome devils the pair of them. Even if I never fall in love with anyone else again I will have these boys by my side.

After all I am their mother.

Over the years I've frequently been told I come across as 'bulletproof.' I'm not sure why that is - maybe I'm not meek enough to pass as a typical asian woman. My own mother doesn't pass as quiet so there's no hope that I would. As a kid I aspired to be like the beautiful actresses in movies with their downcast eyes and quivering lips. It was a look that said, "I am so innocent, but sexy too."

Meena Kumari

The phrase, 'you're strong, you can handle it' has been levelled at me many times. The thing is while I might talk a good game and wear a t shirt that bears the legend 'Mother of dragons' I'm playing a part. Oh yes I will absolutely tear apart anyone who touches my kids. However, I'm equal parts Tiger Mama and terrified of everything mother.


Like most women of my acquaintance I've been called aggressive. I used to tell myself to be less outspoken. I'd wish I said less or just knew when to shut up. I tried to adhere to the adage, 'better be silent and thought a fool than speak and confirm it." Only I always had to say my piece. I still punish myself for speaking my mind. I go over the conversations in my head and think about all the ways it could have gone differently if I'd said less.



The distance between what I want to be and what I am is one I am trying to bridge. I've had to negotiate the transition from being someone's wife and knowing what that meant and where we were heading to a future without any certainty at all. Instead of seeing this a a bad thing I've decided to see this as freedom.


Anything is possible. I don't have the weight of anyone else's expectations on me any more. It is all up to me. I can choose. So what are the dreams and ambitions I have for myself ?

1. To do the things I love - that includes swimming in the sea and spending time with this lovely lady:

Gorgeous Pippa from Penzance :)

2. Being sassy - full on flounce and attitude to match. Sequins optional:

Yass !!

3. Celebrating my inner silly - actual total ridiculousness:

Check out the buns !

4. Never being afraid of my darker side. Embracing the pain and difficulty without it consuming me or taking over:


5. Using my voice for good. Sharing music, positive intentions and using the platform I have to do good for others:

Hey DJ !

6. Finally giving thanks. For the kind thoughts and deeds that others have directed towards me. Gratitude enables us to radiate love and kindness:

I took a few days off. Not just time off from work or to cover half term. Actual time off. A proper break.

My gorgeous friends Natasha and Luke invited me to visit them in New York and despite my natural inclination to say 'oh no it's too difficult' they weren't taking no for an answer. So I made plans. I asked my mother in law if she could have the boys, she said yes. The biggest worry sorted out. I hadn't asked for time off work and with all my colleagues off over half term it was looking highly unlikely I would get annual leave approved. Only it was and that was the other big obstacle removed. Then I had to apply for an ESTA (no I didn't know what it was either !) and find my passport - that was a day or so of minor panic - and finally I went ahead and bought travel insurance.


Two days before I was due to fly I borrowed luggage from friends and as late as the night before I still didn't quite believe it was really going to happen. Of course part of that was due to the weather - with storm warnings flights were being grounded and it wasn't clear if I would be able to go or not. Still I had to pack and check in online. I made sure the car was packed, the CD players fitted to the seat backs  and the boys had enough clothes, boots and layers for their stay.

For a week I made plans and contacted people and put things in place so that I could go away for 4 days. The night before my flight I was crying out of guilt for leaving my boys behind and for being so selfish. As I sobbed, "I'm sorry for leaving you baby," Brown Bear put his hand on my arm and said, "Mum, you deserve this." How did he get to be so wise ?


Long story short I got on the plane after a 2 hour delay. The anxiety had built up so much I was in floods of tears as I boarded. Between sobs I apologised for being so silly. I was directed to Tracey who handed me a glass of champagne and sat me by her instead of in my seat while they boarded everyone. She reassured me and when we got the JFK 6 and a bit hours later she handed me a bottle of champagne to share with my friends. I love Tracey.

Natasha met me at JFK and for the next few days I didn't have a thing to worry about. I went running in Central Park in the sunshine, ate brunch at Tom's Restaurant (the place you see the outside of in Seinfeld) and took in the incredible sights of New York from the One World Observatory. We bought cupcakes at the Magnolia Bakery (from Sex in the City) and I ate the best gnocchi of my life. I went to visit my friends Gwen and Russ in New Jersey and snuggled their baby girl and hugged their kids and laughed out loud at inappropriate jokes that only people who've lived in the UK will appreciate.


I messaged my kids most days - due to the jet lag I was up very early - and they seemed to be absolutely fine. There was one logistical hiccup that I had to resolve, but free of the other dramas that I have to contend with it was relatively quick to fix.

So this was the thing I hadn't appreciated that pretty much everyone else could see. I needed this. I had to take a break from all the day to day stuff and to just do something for me. And doing that didn't make me selfish, or a bad mother, or any of the other things that I have felt  like for so long.

On any given day I have to make 1001 decisions (give or take). For me, for my kids, at work, at home. The mental load of parenting alone and of working full time and of being all things to everyone takes a lot out of you. It's exhausting.

I cannot tell you how much difference it has made having that few days away on my own. Doing things that I love to do, with wonderful people and no pressure. It feels like I can actually breathe again. As if I can take a step back from the things that are going on.


Since I got back I feel optimistic. I believe things are getting better. That I deserve a bright future. It is within my reach.

It has made me feel so lucky to have people care so much that they could see I was in pain and they wanted to do something to help me.

It didn't take a miracle, but it feels miraculous to me right now.

Sunday morning is when I hope that I will get a lie in, but I never do. The boys are always up earlier than I would like and they are often giggling away in their room and asking Alexa to make fart noises. Well they are boys after all. They are completely adorable and affectionate and the source of petty frustrations, annoyances and pretty much all the joy in life. They bring me such happiness and wind me up in equal measure. This morning they climbed into my bed to finish watching the Lego Batman Movie while I drank my tea. I picked up a book that the play therapist gave me last week. One Marble a Day is a book about adoption and long term fostering which goes into the feelings of loss and sadness. We read it together - all three of us.
Blue Bear has been more open and willing to talk to me about adoption in the last year. I haven't pushed him and have let him lead. As a result he is eloquent and thoughtful when talking about family. I speak to the boys about feeling sad. That it is ok to feel that way and we are all here for each other. Some of it must have got through because they have been trying to match make for me. During the Christmas break we bumped into my son's football coach. Brown Bear said he thought I should go out with him. I pointed out that coach is much younger than me and the response was, "you look really young Mum, it's ok." Much as I was flattered I doubt very much that his coach would want to go out with me. Of course there is some self interest in my football loving son wanting me to go out with a sports coach who he likes, but it's also really sweet that the boys are thinking about me. They want me to be happy and they want to find me a boyfriend.


I don't consider myself to be anything special at all. I have tried to live my life from a place of kindness and to do as much as I can for others. This does mean I have been prone to being taken for granted, but it doesn't meant I stop caring about other people. It does also mean, I haven't shown great judgement in the past. The big relationships in my life have been with men who really didn't want to be me with me that much. The appeal of drugs, other women and the rugby was stronger than any desire to be with me.

I have a tendency to try really hard to keep a relationship going - I call it loyalty, but it might be more accurate to call it denial. Dogged determination is fine in a career, but not so much in a relationship where there is an uneven distribution of affection. Early in my life I was told I was selfish and should be more grateful. In adulthood this manifests as a desire to prove I'm not a bad person. I have stayed in relationships even when I was 'invisible' or bullied because I didn't think I deserved any better. I would deduce that it must be something about me that made them like that - even though the behaviour / habit existed before I knew them. The need to be 'good enough' kept me turning up for men who didn't consider being with me to be even in their top ten priorities.

In the beginning it's all lovebombing and romance. Of course that doesn't last forever, but I would hold out for it becoming something like affection. Over time it would become clear that I was an afterthought at best. As the man pulled away from me I would do more and more to prove I was worthy of the scraps of affection I was getting.  I would go to great lengths to ensure that their needs were being met, with little acknowledgement. Of course if I said anything I was ungrateful for not noticing the effort they were making for me. After all I shouldn't have expected anything at all.


I grew used to being 'fitted in' to the spaces between the things that mattered. He would see me late at night after he'd been out with friends - like a guilty secret. If I asked for better I was told I expected too much. We would arrange to do something together, I'd look forward to it and then he would cancel a day or two before - I was expendable. If I said as much he would accuse me of being ungrateful and unappreciative. After all he was making an effort. He was fitting me in when he could. Then the inevitable guilt gifts, money usually. I remember once explaining to someone that the reason his partner was upset with the gift of money was that she didn't want to go for a spendy weekend away with her sister, she wanted to do something with him. Giving money says, "I have better things to do than spend my time with you," or "I'm paying you to leave me alone."

So, back to the search for a boyfriend. Last week my boy asked me who Rob Lowe was. He saw a photo of him on my vision board and I explained that I am setting the bar quite high. A great body, nice to look at, nothing flabby or saggy please. Truthfully though I'll be happy with simplicity. If I do go into another relationship I'd like it to be with someone who loves and appreciates me. Who looks at me like I am the most beautiful woman who walks the earth. Someone who gets my passion for swimming and cinema and strawberries. Someone who will sit with me on the sofa and put their arm around me - who likes to watch movies. Someone I can share a fantastic Indian meal with that I got from my mate Sara. Who makes me tea the way I like it. That's not a lot to ask for really. Well maybe the tea as I am quite particular about that.

My boys want me to be with someone who will love me and care about me. They want me to be happy and not on my own. For my part I'd like someone who will notice me and make time for me. Who wants to be with me and is free to be.

I can wait. I'm in no rush.

Beautiful morning run /walk in Penzance

Waking up to a sunny sky is one of my favourite things. Being able to go for a walk or a run in that sunshine is just the perfect start to my day. In the morning I went for a walk / run as the sun was coming up over the horizon and the sea was gorgeous. I stopped at the end of this stone walkway to sit and listen to the waves against the rocks. The peace and joy it brought me was suprassed only by the sight of St Michael's Mount in the distance.

Incredible eats from my lovely friend Sara

Cornwall is my happy place. It's where I take the children on holiday and where I go to relax. Yes it's a long drive, but it doesn't faze me at all. However, being in the car for hours and not eating properly is something that I do find challenging. My lovely friend Sara not only had the boys for a sleepover the other night, but she also made this amazing food for me to enjoy when I got here. I've mentioned before that I don't always take the best care of myself when it comes to eating so this has been an incredible gift on my journey of self-care. Sara has her own food business which I have to say from personal experience is brilliant. She packed me off with delicious veggie curries, rice, a salad, yoghurt and chutney as well as a lovely personal note. I will definitely be ordering from her again. Maybe I will even share it next time.

Gorgeous Miss Florrie

This time I booked to stay in the centre of Penzance with a lovely host who has a cat called Florrie. Now I'm not saying that the cat was the main draw for me to choose to stay here, but, ok yeah she was. Since we lost Neo last year I have missed having the company of a cat in the house. As soon as I arrived on Friday night Florrie came over to be fussed and in the morning she came to see me for snuggles. Love her. Being around her had been calming and I feel so loved when a cat comes to say hello. She was baby-sitting me in the afternoon while I was relaxing post retreat and it was lovely.

Yoga and free writing

It's become an annual tradition that I go for a new year retreat with the fantastic founder of Story of Mum - Pippa. Mostly mums attend and we arrange child-care for the day so that we can practice yoga, do some free writing, create vision boards and eat amazing food. I know it seems a big thing to come all this way, but it means a lot to give this gift to myself. It's what gets me through the emotional and social anxiety that is Christmas and New Year knowing I have this to look forward to. Of course I stress about the boys right until I am actually here. This is where I find my happiness and joy and the impetus I need to get through whatever the year ahead will bring. This morning I was reminded how much I love yoga and that I have neglected my practice for the last few years. Yoga really does help me feel more centred and I remember how much my body can do when I am on the mat.

Breakfast of champions

Now, I'm not saying the vegan snickers bars are the reason I come all this way, but they are definitely a strong pull factor. I could probably go to a retreat in say Putney or even closer, but without the sea view and the hugs from Pippa it just wouldn't be the same. We started the day with tea and a delicious bar - it was such a special treat and brought so much joy. I cannot tell you how much it means to eat without guilt or to finish an entire cup of tea while it's still hot. Simple pleasures.

Beautiful, Bold Beginnings for 2020

The vision board exercise is always revealing. In it you choose images that 'call' you and then see if they have some meaning when you place the on the board. It's a calming activity sitting and cutting out images from magazines and then arranging them on the sheet, discarding any that don't resonate. Sometimes it's puzzling what catches your eye and doesn’t make sense until you look at the whole page. I thought I'd share the one have done for this year. The thing I noticed first is that there is a lot of space on the page. Usually there are lots of overlapping images and fewer words - cluttered with  a lot going on. The overriding theme I noticed in this one is that it is all about me taking care of myself. Putting me first and believing that I am worth it. The white spaces tell me I am seeking that space for myself too. As for Rob Lowe, well if you don't ask you don't get do you ?

Morning sea swim

This morning I went into the sea with lovely Pippa. It was very, very cold so I didn't stay in for long, but I closed my eyes and stood with the waves crashing around me and felt the sun on my face. It was amazing. When we got out and dried off we sat on the warm rocks drinking coffee and chatting.

I have come back energised and filled with hope for the future.

That is my 2020 vision.

Today I ate tiramisu.

It was an enormous slice - the last piece our waiter told me, that's why it was so big. It was the perfect blend of coffee, amaretto and cream and tasted amazing. I don't eat dessert. I always used to, but for years now I haven't. I've been too self-conscious or full, or on a budget so I just don't have it. Today, though, I really fancied a dessert. My boys were delighted to see the plate smattered with powdered chocolate and the chocolate straw on the top - Brown Bear snaffled that and it was gone in seconds. I think they are so used to me not ordering anything they just didn't expect it.

Feeding myself isn't a priority really. I make sure there is nice food in the fridge, but I don't always want to eat it. I'm either too tired to cook for myself or I just don't know what I want to eat. I used to think ahead and plan meals - often all day I'd be planning what was for dinner. Now I only eat if I feel like it and often it's whatever needs to be finished rather than something I've been looking forward to. The other evening I made myself a nice dinner. The boys had eaten already and were watching a movie so I went into the kitchen to prepare myself a meal and decided to have something a bit more involved than usual. It was delicious and I felt so much better for having had it. There was also enough left for the next day.

Slowly the fog is lifting. I am actually taking better care of myself. Sleeping, eating, exercising, resting.

It's been quite an emotional period.

Ok that's an understatement of epic proportions, but I don't want to go into it. One day my kids will read this and it's happening in their life too so I don't want to treat it like a soap storyline. It's enough to say that I have cut ties with some folk and have stronger bonds with others. The truth of it is I don't know what is for the best. Where I feel things are negative or difficult I have decided to put space between me and that situation. A few people have been keen to tell me exactly what's wrong with me and while self-reflection can be helpful and ultimately improving, at this point I have been in survival mode for so long I can't respond to anything that feels like an attack. You don't have to actively be a cheerleader for me, but please don't go out of your way to tell me why I'm so terrible. Chances are I already think it anyway.

I sat with the boys one evening and we talked about how we're feeling. It was prompted by some behaviour that had concerned me so I thought we should talk about what might be behind it. When we were done I asked if it was ok and if they would like to do it again another time. They said it was like 'circle time' at school and were happy to make it a thing we do. It's been a long road to get here. Blue Bear hasn't talked about his feelings since I've known him so hearing him say he felt "sad all over" was heartbreaking. It did, however, give me a chance to offer to help him.

Now the door is open to talk about these things with my boys it is a sign that were are finding a way to be open and honest with each other. It's taken a while, but the boys are being truthful about how they feel and I am truly grateful for that. I've been pushed and pulled around for so long that being able to just concentrate on my little family has been a relief. We do what makes us happy. Often that is swimming, eating and watching movies together.

Today we did all of those things and I ate a dessert.

Right now the best of life is in these simple pleasures.

I'll refrain from doing all the new year new me stuff and just ask if you're alright. Did you make it ok ? 

At the start of this year I had no idea what would unfold. I had been unwell over Christmas and couldn't eat properly or drink alcohol. I had fallen ill immediately that my Mum had the all clear from the oncologist and I came home, fed by husband and kids and then went to bed. No one checked on me or brought me as much as a glass of water. It wasn't ideal.

I knew that things weren't right and had been blaming myself for being so preoccupied and absent with Mum's cancer diagnosis and treatment and prior to that my return to full time work that meant I barely saw my boys. At the beginning of last year a wonderful friend of mine had died unexpectedly and that had been such a shock so all in all the year was pretty full on.

Little did I know that 2019 would knock the stuffing out of the previous 12 months. Fairly early into the year I became a single parent and it was messy and ugly and stressful beyond belief. All the fears I had about struggling for money and managing on my own came to fruition at once. I have no idea how, but I kept working full time and tried desperately to make more time with my boys rather than less. I took them on the holiday that was already booked and my Mum came with us. I cried almost the whole time and she took care of me like she had when I was a kid. It felt so unfair to be asking anything of her when she had been through radiotherapy and the stress of cancer. What it made me realise though, was that being a Mum doesn't stop. You want to make things better for your kids and if you can't it breaks you. Mum made me food, she made sure I went to bed and rested and she kept the boys busy so I could go for a walk or just have a break.

Beach Days

The stress did still show through though. I had a car crash which wrote off the car. That was disappointing as we hadn't had the car long, but to be honest it wasn't economical to run and I made it out unharmed so that was ok. I just feel incredibly stupid for doing it. For losing concentration and causing an accident. In hindsight it's a wonder I didn't do more damage. My mind was like a bag of spaghetti for so long and I am fortunate to have some lovely people in my life who help me unravel it when I am at my most 'squiggly.'

I also learned who the people are who care and who I can lean on. It was a hard lesson and I was quite surprised when I realised that some people just weren't going to be around any more. I let go of more than one person who I had been holding onto out of loyalty. It hurt like hell to realise that they weren't going to make it, but then I have always struggled to throw stuff away. When I asked someone who meant the world to me if they would still be in my life they said, "You need to get on with your life without seeing me." It felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I had no idea what I had done to deserve such rejection, but I accepted it - I had to.

It wasn't all unrelenting doom though - we had some adventures and highlights this year that are worth a mention.

In the Summer me and the boys went to watch Dick and Dom at the Eden Project - it was fantastic.

The Edge of The Sea

I went to a music festival on my own in Brighton and loved it. I've been going to the Edge of the Sea for years, but this time I was there by myself. I've already got my ticket for 2020.

I swam in the sea in Cornwall more than once - that was exhilarating and I hope to do more of it.

My boys decided they want to visit Australia - well actually they want to visit Auntie Hannah and Uncle Greg who they met in the Summer and immediately took a shine to. I have to start saving up !!

We just had our first Christmas as a family of 3. It was lots of fun and I did what I could to keep the emotions at bay, but it did catch up with me. I have been a wreck all day.

After everything that has happened I am thankful for the kindness of those who love me. I am grateful that we are in our home, that the boys are safe and well and that we are together.

I couldn't ask for more.

A one year old sat on the dining table shovelling fistfuls of cake into her mouth and searching for any leftovers on other plates. Unconventional I grant you, but in the context of visiting my parents in grandparent mode it is perfectly normal. Yesterday Blue Bear turned into a 6 year old. I had planned to visit my family so the boys could spend the day with their cousins and have a mini party for Blue. However he was not himself at all and was unwell most of the day. He barely ate anything and was tired and pale. I asked if he still wanted to go and he said he did, so off we went with a tired and sleepy Blue Bear and Brown Bear negotiating screen time with his distracted mother.

Big emotions in our home this week - grief, sadness, disappointment and a lot of hurt. In what has been an unrelenting (almost) 2 years we have all been through a lot. It's felt unending and despite my capacity to be like a Weeble and never fall down I am the closest I've ever been. Yes I can handle it, I know I am strong, of course this will be the making of me. You know what though ? I'd just like a bit of breathing space. A break from the punches that keep raining down.

I'll be damned if this state of mind takes me over. I have made it out of a situation in which it was like my head was being held under water. I was fighting to breathe and yet I kept putting myself back there because it was what I knew. Now I have no idea what happens next. Yes I can keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time. You know what though ? That isn't going to cut it any more. Fearing that someone can pull the rug from under me. Looking over my shoulder or waiting for approval. Waiting for recognition or kindness in return from those I have given it to. Nope.


So this is how I plan to get to the next stage. The bit where I start to move forward and things improve.

Do less - a lot less.

Stress less about how to fit everything in

Worry less about keeping the house tidy

Have fewer things on my 'to do' list (or not have a list at all !)

Not so much FOMO - honestly if I don't go to that gig or watch that show life will go on

Then there's what I have to do more of:

I need to sleep more

Rest ie. sit down and relax

Drink tea from a proper cup, not in a travel cup while running out of the door or balancing in one hand while driving

Watch TV and lounge around with my kids

Onesie & movie Thursday should be extended to the other days too

This evening Brown Bear gave me his biggest soft toy and said, "Keep it to cuddle." So I am typing this with Sully on the pillow next to me and Suits on the TV.

Monsters inc. went from being powered by screams to harnessing the power of laughter. That sounds like a pretty good aspiration to me right now.

I bought a squash the other day. Not a pumpkin, a squash. Blue Bear is really keen that we carve a pumpkin for halloween so this is my compromise.  I have bought a pumpkin and craved a face out of it in the past, but we ended up with a lot of vegetable leftovers which no one wanted to eat. There is only so much curried pumpkin one family can eat and we hit our limit pretty quickly. It's also the fact that I don't really see this as a 'holiday' we should even participate in. When I was a kid it was all about Guy Fawkes and bonfire night. There were kids who would push around a bundle of clothes in an old pram and chant 'penny for the guy' rather than knocking on doors demanding 'trick or treat.'

It's not being a misery to say I don't want to do Halloween. I just don't have any associations with it. I would much rather celebrate Diwali which is colourful, delicious and much more meaningful to me. As we will be away for Diwali this year I'm making sure I take some tea lights with me so that I can still celebrate the festival of lights and remind the boys of their Indian heritage. Wherever I have lived I've always done this. When I was in a shared house at Uni I recall my housemates loved the tea lights and Indian sweets and wanted to know how it meant. I went to the Sikh Temple in Coventry in my Indian clothes and phoned my Mum. It connected me to my family in a way that I needed when I felt as if I was all alone in a place full of people.

So today I took the boys to a temple in Derby. The extra hour helped ensure we were able to fit in a visit to the Sikh Heritage Centre that was also there. I was so proud when I watched my boys go up the holy book and bow their heads as I've shown them since they were babies. We say down to eat in the communal kitchen and they devoured the food that I never make at home. As we walked round the museum of artefacts showing the contributions Sikhs have made in wars all over the world and the atrocities visited upon Sikhs in history my boys asked questions and I told them, "when we go to India I will take you to the Golden Temple so you can see it for real." It means a lot to me that my sons are aware of their Indian roots and that they know about Sikh history and oppression.



It wasn't an easy day. All the firsts are painful. The first wedding anniversary since the break up was this week. I had no idea what to expect. I worked from home so I wouldn't have to interact with anyone and pretend to be ok. It was pretty rubbish actually. Not because I wanted to celebrate or because I miss being married, more the overwhelming grief and loss of a relationship that I wasn't expecting to end as abruptly as it did. At least I didn't have to deal with anyone in person who I didn't want to see that day.

I drove the kids on Friday night for many hours to get to our holiday destination for half term. It as a very long journey and it took hours, but they watched movies in the back of the car and we got here late on Friday night. When they woke up on Saturday morning it was tipping down with rain, but they still got to see the sheep in the field and a rabbit that scampered past the window. It was all I wanted for them this weekend. We stayed inside and watched movies while the rain lashed down outside. We made a den, ate snacks in bed and snuggled under blankets to watch Back to the future (part 2 - we''re working our way through the trilogy).

This morning Blue Bear climbed into bed with me in the early hours - bad dreams again. The extra hour in bed meant nothing as they both woke up at an unearthly hour demanding to watch TV. Still, I did manage to get a bit of a lie in and we did so much today I was genuinely surprised. We went to the temple, met up with lovely friends and made it back in time to watch Back to the Future Part 3. I have never actually watched it before so that was a first.

Everyone is telling me I can do this - that I am strong and capable. I'm not convinced actually. I often feel overwhelmed, sad, lonely, angry, bewildered and guilty, Oh so guilty, For not being a good enough mother, for not getting it right and for being a failure. Then today I looked at my boys laughing and playing in the park with the friends they see rarely. Blue Bear pushing the roundabout slowly because the little girl was scared if it went too fast. Brown Bear exclaiming his feet were too big for the playground toys he was on with his oldest friend.

Both boys hugged me tonight and wished me happy Diwali. It was a difficult day in many ways. It was also magical in so many others. I lit a few beautiful tealights this evening in celebration. The boys asked me why and I explained that is what we do to bring light to darkness.

No, I'm not ok. I don't know when I will be. What I do know, however, is that I have these incredible kids who love and accept me for who I am. However much of a failure I might consider myself to be.

Apologies for radio silence. It's been a difficult time and I have wanted to write and while the words were there, the inclination to share them wasn't. I have longed for sleep that didn't come and peace of mind has eluded me. Each time I thought, 'this is as bad as it gets,' I'll be damned if it didn't just get a whole lot worse.



Then today something shifted. I woke up and looked at the clock and the house was quiet. No miaowing, no kids arguing, nowhere to get to at silly o'clock. So I closed my eyes and went back to sleep. Until eventually the boys woke up and the day began - about two hours later than normal - bliss.

We went for a swim, we had a pub lunch and this afternoon we watched Back to the Future - I think it's important to give kids a good grounding in culture. As I sat on the sofa with the cat on one side of me and Brown Bear on the other I looked over to Blue Bear on the other sofa. It was a moment in time and one that I honestly haven't felt before. A day when it feels as though I've got it right. Not perfect, but right. My kids were happy, the cat was relaxed and I was sitting down and spending time with them all.

So much has happened that it doesn't quite feel real.

I'm still not quite there but sometimes I sleep on all of the bed - not just one side.

Remembering how much I enjoy my own company has been a revelation.

Letting go of expectations and realising I am capable and can do pretty much everything myself.

Travelling through the drama and pain and sadness and finding my inner warrior.

I have found my true friends and allies. The ones who are there at the worst of times. Who express no fear or judgement, just pure love and support.

Believing I can do anything - I honestly do. I didn't before, but when I think about where I was and where I am now it's like I've climbed a mountain already.

Accepting that not every day is going to be fun is ok. My kids are going to argue with me - that's normal. They are in a lot of pain and I am the one who is here and who is holding them through this.

So whatever happens I've got it.

Brown Bear helps his baby brother get ready for school

I am used to random dinosaurs supervising toothbrushing

We spend a lot of time outdoors - a lot !

Some of the time we watch a movie outside - something Mummy loves too.

We laugh a lot together

Blue Bear loves nature and animals - he offers to help me with the gardening

I get the loveliest gifts from my boys

At times there is no room for me in my own bed

It's nice to get some time to myself

The best times are with these boys