Chocolate is not the only fruit

A one year old sat on the dining table shovelling fistfuls of cake into her mouth and searching for any leftovers on other plates. Unconventional I grant you, but in the context of visiting my parents in grandparent mode it is perfectly normal. Yesterday Blue Bear turned into a 6 year old. I had planned to visit my family so the boys could spend the day with their cousins and have a mini party for Blue. However he was not himself at all and was unwell most of the day. He barely ate anything and was tired and pale. I asked if he still wanted to go and he said he did, so off we went with a tired and sleepy Blue Bear and Brown Bear negotiating screen time with his distracted mother.

Are you a thrill seeker ? I'm sure I've mentioned before that I vehemently avoid anything approaching dangerous at all. Rollercoasters and fast rides hold absolutely no appeal for me. Anything high speed terrifies me - which is ironic considering how many times I've had speeding tickets. Still it wasn't me who had to go on a speed awareness course was it - looking at no one in particular (stares at Hubbie). However I do surprise myself sometimes. Not in a "how did I find myself in this barrel falling into Niagra Falls ?" way. More a "why exactly am I in a queue to do this thing that is scary ?" It's for this reason I had no desire to do a bungee jump. It strikes me as a ridiculous idea with so little merit. Especially when it's from a scaffold suspended over Brighton Marina. I can understand why people do it in exotic locations abroad (still not doing it myself), but in a car park in Sussex ? Not so much.

I was thinking about the things I've done that have challenged me and made me face my fears and to be fair there are a few.

I went to stay with my lovely friend Fatima when she was living and working in Spain and she took me climbing. As a short person I am not great with heights. However, I got to the top of the climbing wall and even managed to look down and see how far I'd come. It was liberating.

Scuba diving - I booked a flight to Sharm and met my friends out there. They were all far more experienced than me and had been diving for years. I had to be coaxed to jump into the pool to test my diving gear. Jumping into the red sea off the back of a boat was a whole other story. However once I was in the water I absolutely loved it. The peace and tranquility. How blue it all is. Being in nature and silence (apart from the rasping of your own breathing) is just magical.

A zip wire is on my 'do it when I'm 50' list as the longest one in Europe is at the Eden Project. Only I remembered the other day that I had already done a zip wire on board a massive cruise liner. It was very high up and I was bricking it, but actually really enjoyed it and whooped with delight when I was careering was above the decks.

My Mum never allowed me to go skiing with the school - well to be truthful we couldn't afford it anyway. She also said, "you're going to break all your bones if you do," which is a really inspiring and uplifting sentiment I'm sure you'll agree. So when I was earning enough to make the decision to go with friends I did. Again they were all experienced and I was a complete newbie. I booked lessons and instantly started to regret being so reckless as to think I'd be able to ski. Me ? Afraid of heights uncoordinated and clumsy me ? After my first lesson I was completely hooked. I loved it. By the end of the week I was skiing at speed and scaring myself stupid. I still do that when I am lucky enough to go skiing.

Yep that's me - the snow bunny

For years I thought I wanted to do a parachute jump. My lovely pal Zoe did a wing walk for charity and that looked utterly mad, but she is a genuine thrill seeker doing things like fire walking. Then the chance came to do one of those 'flights' where you are in a tube with updraught to give you the sensation of skydiving without jumping out of a plane. Both me and Brown Bear did it and while it was amazing he did look really shell shocked afterwards.

I have always loved the trapeze and it's my favourite act in the circus. Long before the beautiful sequences in The Greatest Showman I longed to emulate Gina Lollobrigida in the movie Trapeze. However, when I did get the opportunity to learn how to swing on a trapeze I was shaking so much all I could hear was the clanking of the scaffolding as I climbed the ladder to get up there. It was no better once I was moving. I was so scared I didn't dare try and swing or leap off and dropped like a sack of potatoes onto the net. Still the photos make it look like I was a bit more competent than I actually was.


So why am I telling you all this ? Well I said that last week I was going to do something crazy with my gorgeous friend Pippa while I was in Penzance for the weekend. Pippa inspires me to be brave, to take risks and to push myself. Since I've known her I've posted videos online of myself practising yoga. I've shared my radio show with a wider audience and been honest and open about my struggles with mental health and grief. It's not a pretty journey, but it's been one that has made me face my fears.

I knew I was going to be able to go to Cornwall to spend a day in her lovely company and I sent a message to say, "I think I'll come swimming with you if that's ok ?" I practically heard her squeal over the internet. You see Pip doesn't swim in the same way that I do. Living so close to the sea she swims outside all year round. Yes even in the Winter. In a bikini !! Ok, I wasn't prepared to go that far so Hubbie managed to unearth a wetsuit and some scuba boots from the garage and I packed them with me. I wasn't entirely sure it was a wise idea, but I had committed to it and I wasn't going to back out. I often do this. Make a public declaration so I then have to go through with it. I did it with cutting off my hair and the same with running a half marathon. Now I don't consider that to be a distance that I can't manage.

So Sunday morning came and I was meeting Pip at 11.15 (after the Archers omnibus obvs). I stayed in bed late and called the boys to say good morning. I took it easy and went outside to move my car into a parking space close enough to pack later for the journey home. It was sunny outside. The forecast had said it would rain, but it was lovely. I had a message from Pip asking if I was still on and I said I absolutely was. I made a cup of tea and sat at the kitchen table listening to the radio with the laptop open and tapped away - checking work email and responding (I know, I know - shush).

At 11 o'clock I put towels and a waterproof into a big bag and popped my wetsuit and boots at the top. The nerves were starting to kick in, but I was determined to do this and the weather was better than I had expected. As I walked to the seafront to meet Pip I felt a few spatters of rain on my face. It didn't matter. She gave me one of her amazing hugs and we made our way down to the beach. I couldn't get my footing on the pebbles to put on my wetsuit, but after a few attempts and many laughs I was ready to get in. It was pretty shallow where we were - which meant a long walk to get to a depth that made swimming possible. It was cold, but not so much that I couldn't cope. I did get my shoulders under and started to move my legs only to find that I was too buoyant to swim properly. Oh well lying on my back and floating it is then. "Look !" Pip pointed in excitement. It was a seal. An actual honest to goodness seal. Swimming with us in the sea. The previous evening we had spotted dolphins splashing around  in the distance and now here was a cheeky seal. It was just wonderful. I found being in the water invigorating and empowering and I completely see why it is so addictive. As we sat on the prom afterwards drinking tea and watching the waves lapping up to the beach I felt proud that I had done it.

Yes we did just swim in the sea in January !!

It's not even the end of January and I've done something I never expected to do. I've been for a swim in the sea in January. Yes it was cold and I did wrap up warm and layered to retain body heat for the rest of the day. I like to think the seal was my reward for being brave.

This weekend I'm on my own. On Friday I drove 300 miles away from home and am staying in a flat by the sea. Sleeping as much as I want. Only eating if I feel like it - and not cooking at all. In contact with people I want to be in contact with. I've seen a few people, but mostly I'm just enjoying some solitude. Instead of feeling guilty and missing my kids, I've spoken to them and I know they are happy and well.

It was the anniversary of the death of my friend on Friday and I went to see her partner. We had a nice lunch, complimented each other and laughed as we recounted lovely stories about Soraya. I knew this was going to be an emotive time. It was all a bit last minute really. My friend Pippa was running a new year one day retreat and I said I'd love to come. I mentioned it to Hubbie and he said he had plenty of plans with the boys so it was fine. It took some logistical planning - and an unscheduled visit to the vet in the morning - but it came together beautifully.

The first thing I did was greet the sea when I arrived

Driving for six hours gives you time to think. The transition from a difficult week (or two) at work to a weekend of 'me time' was fairly seamless. As I drove in the dark I listened to the radio and let go of the stuff that I can't do anything about right now. I knew I'd be doing some wonderful yoga with Leif in the morning so getting sleep was my priority. However, when I arrived I wasn't tired or hungry. I explored Penzance a bit and said hello the sea. Unpacked my things and made myself a cuppa. When I went to bed I propped the door open - in case the kids woke up. Habits are hard to break aren't they ? When I woke up at some ridiculous time I just went back to sleep.

In the morning I went for a run

I realise that taking a weekend for myself so far away is self-indulgent and I appreciate that I am so very lucky to be able to do this. I love Cornwall and have a small group of friends here now and it was so lovely when I was sitting on the yoga mat and a woman came over to me beaming and we shared a huge hug. I "know" Katy sort of, but we didn't know we'd both be at this retreat. It felt so good to have the familiar faces and the beautiful location with the sea just in view and the sun and rain taking turns outside the windows.

I did some beautiful relaxing yoga

It was a few years ago I did this for the first time and I remember being filled with guilt. I was convinced I was failing as a mum and it weighed heavy on me. That time with other mums gave me strength. I spent time in nature - walking along the sea - and in my own company. The themes I found in common with others included loneliness. Being a stay at home parent was isolating. Yet I had forgotten how to enjoy my own company. I'm rediscovering what that is like now.

We watched dolphins from here

The simple joy of sitting at the kitchen table, looking out of the window, listening to the Archers with seagulls in the background (in real life not on the radio). I've been for a walk and it's a gorgeous day. Bright and sunny with just a little breeze. Yesterday evening I sat on the prom with Pippa watching dolphins splashing in the sea as the sun went down. Yes it's been sunny here. In January. The dolphins were a delightful surprise. It's like a reward for taking time for me.

This lovely lady inspires me to be brave

 I have one more adventure today before I drive back. It's a brave, crazy thing that I'm doing with my lovely friend Pippa. I'll tell you about it later.

It's been a long and tiring week. I've been up at 5am most days and have still been at work full time and also had a few late evenings. It's fair to say the boys have barely seen me and Brown Bear has been playing up to get my attention. It was yesterday that I realised that others think I'm doing too much. Friends have been messaging to check if I'm ok, they've been offering to hug me and Hubbie suggested I should lie in instead of getting up early at the weekend. If I have things to do it's just easier to get up and do them early - if I'm going for a run I'd rather it's at the start of the day, however, I'm not always at my best first thing.

I was told I worry too much. Of course I do. It's a side effect of anxiety, but actually I have always been this way. I can't recall a time when I didn't worry. As the oldest child I was always worried about my siblings. It was my responsibility to look after them a lot of the time and I would get the blame if anything happened to them on my watch. I also blamed myself if they got injured or if anyone did them wrong. I don't know why. I was also the typical worried first time Mum, protecting Brown Bear with a tigress' instinct. Woe betide anyone who fell foul of me in my first year of parenting, I was permanently worried. Then there was the whole adoption process and Blue Bear coming to live with us - that was fraught with worry. It's only now - more than three years later - that I can breathe and look at him and smile with happiness that he's happy and funny and boisterous like his brother. I do still worry, just about different things. It's who I am.

Is it possible to think too much ? I've always been told I do, so it's probably true. Of course I think too much. I wasn't one of cool kids, I wasn't popular and I was never a great beauty so I had plenty of time to think. I didn't have that instant appeal that cuts through having to make any effort. I learned to observe, to notice and to comment on life. My friend Ajay once said to me, "average looking people like us have to make more of an effort." I happen to think he's well above average looking, but that's not the point here. Really beautiful folk often don't have to try hard in life, with people flocking to them and being nice to them. The rest of us don't occupy that privileged place, so we have other skills. Mine is to analyse and try to make sense of the world around me. It's not for everyone.

For years I took offence at the assertion that I talk too much. I do, but I didn't like to hear it. I would fill silences with inane chat, make small talk and just talk over people all the time. I drove myself crazy with it, so I can imagine how much it bothered other people. It's not because I think I'm interesting or anything, it's nerves. If I have to keep filling the gaps with chatter it's because I'm uncomfortable. I have learned to stop and just let silence be. I also realised some years ago that people like to be heard so I learned to listen and reflect back what they said. It can be unsettling when they notice I haven't just been nodding along, waiting for a gap in the conversation to say my bit. I've actually heard what they've been saying and am responding to it.

I do too much. Ok this one I will admit to. I don't like to let anyone down so if I've said I'm going to do something I will do it. Even if it's to my own detriment. If it has a negative impact on those I love then I get annoyed with myself, but I will always try to do whatever I'm asked. This comes down to being unable to say no. I've read the books, I've got the prompts on the fridge door, I've even done mantras about it. I still struggle to say no. I practise on my children, it doesn't help. The people-pleaser part of me is much too established. However much I try, the instinct to say yes to everything is stronger than the realisation that I need to take care of myself.

So this week, when a friend sent me flowers and a message saying she was worried about me it touched my heart. Another assured me if I wanted to talk or not talk, be serious or silly she was there for me. When Hubbie said I needed to rest I realised he was worrying about me. When my Mum thanked me for taking the time to be around (why wouldn't I ?) it reminded me that I'm still her baby. More that anything it made me feel noticed. There was no criticism of me for not doing something or for being too much anything. It was genuine concern and kindness. I don't often need or ask for anything from others. I don't like to take or to impose.

How much is too much ? Well when it comes to feeling cared about it would appear there's no such thing.

Spoiler alert, it's not me. You know those buzzfeed quizzes - the modern equivalent of the Cosmo quiz that offered only A, B or C and only a partial fit for each answer ? Well, I've been considering my own version of one of those called, 'which celebrity mum are you ?" After all if we don't have a celebrity to emulate what are we even doing this for ? All those glossy images of postnatal perfection and aspirational motherhood are there to pin on the fridge aren't they ?

The Angel of them all.

Angelina has it all, adopted children and birth children in her family, perfect lips on her face and Brad Pitt is her Mr. On any given day I can't imagine that Ange yells at her kids to put on their socks or has to negotiate a peace accord between Zahara and Pax because one of them looked at the other one's sandwich. Is it likely that Knox and Vivienne wait until she's about to go into the shower to have an almighty argument resulting in toothpaste on the bathroom floor and a running battle on the landing ? I think not.



Victoria's (parenting) Secrets.

There is no privacy for the Beckham kids, I mean we even know where they were conceived (you know that's why he's called Brooklyn right ?) Vic has always been devoted to her family and now that she's a fashion designer David is a SAHD so I bet she doesn't throw on the first thing that's on the bed to take the kids to school. I am willing to bet real money that she's never gone pant-less and unwashed to the school gate. Of course if David did that wouldn't even be an issue, but that's for another day.

I know people who say that Valentine's Day is a marketing thing and that it's just to encourage people to spend money. Similarly they might view Mothering Sunday as a ploy to part us from our money in the name of familial love. A day when florists and restaurants charge us a premium to treat our mothers. All the while the unspoken question is, why only be nice for one day of the year, etc. etc.

A lot of people were shocked when I told them that I wasn't spending the day with my sons. How could I possibly spend my one day of the year not being spoiled by them ? Well, Hubbie taking the boys to visit Grandma and letting me have the house to myself all day is my idea of 'me time.' Ok, it's far from relaxing - my fitbit has recorded 178 active minutes today, mostly from decluttering the house. However, it also gave me some space to think about certain people.

My Mum: I didn't see her today, but we spoke on the phone. When I went to Uni and left home for the first time we used to talk to each other every day. She would ask me at the end of every call, "Shall I call you tomorrow ?" as if checking that she wasn't being a nuisance. In the second year we spoke every week and by the third year I would call her as and when I remembered. It is only now that I am a mother myself that I realise how much that must have hurt her.

It wasn't as though I was forced into becoming a stay at home parent. It was my choice and one that I made freely and with some joy at the idea that I'd be at home with my beloved baby every day. I had been working for almost 25 years by the time Big Boy came along and quite frankly was looking forward to the break. Ha, how little I knew.

From the very beginning I had no idea how difficult it would be to be able to have a shower or feed myself while caring for this tiny bundle. That all my attention and - it seemed - all of my brain capacity was held in his tiny fists. The idea of leaving him unattended for even a minute was unthinkable so I decided to shower at night so that when Hubbie left for work I could concentrate on the baby. Instead of resting when he slept I'd tidy and clean the house or try to catch up with the things I thought I needed to do, like washing or cooking. On one memorable occasion I came back from the shops and had to park uphill from our house and was standing at the top of many steps trying to work out how to carry the car seat and 3 bags of shopping at the same time. When I got home there was a space right outside the house which hadn't been there earlier - rats !! My Mum asked me later why I hadn't just left the shopping in the car and brought the baby home and I waffled something about having food for the fridge.

I made things so difficult for myself in those early days. When anyone visited I'd make them tea and fuss around instead of sitting back and letting them take care of me. I craved adult company, but when I had it I just felt useless for not having anything to talk about other than baby stuff to share. It took a long time before I realised that I would never have a conversation that didn't involve my children ever again. I wanted to be interesting and charming company, but I'd roll up in whatever was clean, sleep deprived and constantly checking the time to ensure I wasn't going to miss being home for some precious milestone. Or if the baby was with me wanting to stick rigidly to his routine in favour of actually enjoying the company of my friends.

As Big Boy stopped being a baby and went on to become a toddler I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. He was speaking and walking and eating proper food and all these things made him more portable. We could go for day trips once he dropped his afternoon nap so I'd take him to the London Transport Museum or we could go and visit friends and have play dates. I didn't do this much though and it was telling when he did see other children as he wasn't keen to share anything or have other children in his house touching his toys.


Then Baby Boy came along and all that new found independence - including a return to work that was only a few months in - was gone again. I was thrown into being at home with a child who barely knew me and who needed a lot of attention and care, but who didn't really want it from me. I was stunned. Exhausted. Hurt. For a while I tried to keep going with part time work and shared parenting with Hubbie, but ultimately I needed to make a clean break from work. It was more important that I commit to being with this young boy who was trying to make sense of these huge changes in his life. A new family, a new home, a big brother, a pet cat and so much more.  As well as this there was also the adjustment that Big Boy had to make to being a Big Brother and no longer an only child / grandchild / nephew. It was challenging for all of us.

It hasn't been easy. It's taken a lot of energy and hope and gritted teeth to get this far. I am now as full time Mum as I will ever be. While I would walk Big Boy to Gymboree every day for something to do it was more about me seeking support and help that about the experience he was having. I hated parks and soft play, but I took him. With Baby Boy we go to playgroups that I like where I know he's having fun and where I feel relaxed. We go to the park that is opposite Waitrose and he plays while I sip my free tea. I take him swimming and accept that this is all about his pace and when he's ready. I don't take him to rhyme time because he won't sit still and it's not my idea of fun to chase him around and lift him up when he's trying to wriggle away from me.

In short I think I'm getting the idea of how to do this stay at home parent thing. That it's not about substituting my work self for my parent self. I am complete in whatever I'm doing. If I'm helping at playgroup that's something I can do with pride. If I don't like a playgroup I don't have to keep going. I only go to the shops where the staff are nice to me and my kids - they even ask after the boys if I go without them.

It's taken me 5 years to figure out how to make this experience work for me and my sons. I wish it hadn't taken so long, but at least I'm here now.

It's my birthday later this month and Hubbie has been asking what I would like as a present. He will also be asking on behalf of my lovely mother-in-law at some point. I'm so lucky to have received so many generous gifts over the years. Hubbie has given me beautiful jewellery, a flying lesson, beauty treatment vouchers, amazing meals out and so much more. Family have always been very kind too and I am throughly spoiled.

Most years we have a party / barbecue in the garden where we catch up with all the friends who we haven't seen all year and it's an excuse to wear a pretty dress and pop open some bottles of nice things to drink and for Hubbie to fire up the barbecue and do 'man cooking.' We have been so fortunate over the years that the weather has been lovely and we can spend all day outdoors with space for kids to run around and for adults to lounge and chat for as long as they like. The only down side is the washing up, but in recent years I've gone with paper plates so even that is sorted.

As I have been sorting and decluttering the house I've realised quite how much of everything we have. The kitchen gadgets that just don't get used - mostly because I've forgotten I have them - and the vast number of handbags that I couldn't possibly use. As a result I gave three bags of donations to my lovely neighbour today to take to the charity shop where she volunteers her time. I've freecycled as much as I can and have still more to go. The garage is a holding point for the items that have to go to the tip and I have a long term plan in my head of how to get it all sorted so that we have less junk and an actual functional home.

So, if I don't need any handbags, or clothes, or jewellery, or kitchen gadgets what is left ? Well, of course donations to charity are always welcome. Hubbie has kindly offered to treat me to hair and beauty the weekend before my birthday and we are taking the boys out on my actual birthday for a big bus tour in London. We adore buses and we all love London so it's a perfect day out for us.

However, I have also got one quite selfish request to make for my birthday this year. One that I hope will get some traction. I'd like the gift of time please. Yes, I'd like someone to give me some time out.

Me and Hubbie were given a voucher for a meal in a nice restaurant at Christmas. At the time I joked, "does it include babysitting ?" It wasn't a joke really. We haven't been able to use it yet and I don't know when we will. Hence he is going out to a gig on the evening of my birthday - I said it was ok - because it's unlikely we can go out together any time soon.
I'd love any of these vouchers:

"This entitles you to a child-free afternoon."

"With this voucher you can spend 3-4 hours doing anything you want knowing your children are in safe hands."

"Here is the gift of time - go on you deserve it."

I don't need anything else.

Well, maybe some cake. Yes, cake would be good.

Happy Birthday to me :)

I went to my boy's school assembly on Fri and it was a special service for Mothering Sunday. There were lovely readings by the children and the nursery class sang the song I've been hearing all week. His tuneful solo rendition was mangled by the 35+ voices of under fives who seemed awestruck in front of an audience of parents. At the end all the mums were presented with daffodils by our children. My boy was delighted that my bunch weren't open yet and so was I as I explained, "that's lovely, they will last longer."

The readings were about the 'job of a mum' with the classic about children demanding a drink, a hug, an answer, etc from Mum and asking Dad, 'where's Mum ?" There was recognition that mums do so much for us and that "a mother's love is blind because she loved you before she met you." I can vouch for this. My love for my boy was forged long before I saw his face. Or held him in my arms. It's not just the act of giving birth that made me his mother though. Yes that's a huge thing. Carrying, growing and birthing a child is a huge thing. It's not the only way to be a mum though. I honestly think that for me being a mum is about how I feel. Of course there's the reality of caring for a child, but many people do this who didn't carry the person they love in exactly the same way a parent loves their offspring. 

Origami flower and a lovely breakfast in bed

The idea that being a mum is my job is one that suggests I do it under duress. Believe me there are days when it feels that way, but it's not true. Parenting was in my bones even before I was old enough to have children. I grew up with a motherly attitude and I always felt it was my responsibility to be in charge and take care of others. Not in a resentful way by any means. More in a needing to know that everyone was looked after way. I'm not really comfortable with others doing things for me though. It's partly a control thing - I know how I want things done - and partly an, "I'm not worth it," thing. I will make sure my boys have eaten and will fuss about them being warm enough then go out of the house without a coat and as angry as a bear who hasn't eaten, because... well I haven't eaten. 

This morning my boys brought me breakfast in bed. It was lovely. I didn't complain about it or tut about how I'd have done it differently. I ate it with the cat sitting next to me and the boys went downstairs to leave me in peace. 

I think I could get used to being taken care of - sometimes :)

Cat in a (paper) hat

Fierce Fire Officer

Then at half term we went to a storytelling event where there were dressing up costumes. My boy didn't want me to feel left out so he chose some pink wings for me and this mask so we could match. I thought we looked like a sinister woodland gang, but he insists we didn't.

I wouldn't want to meet these two in a forest !

It's the bat phone Mummy

That's magic !!

And finally tonight. My boy - who has been poorly all day and last night - came into the bathroom to brush his teeth like this. It made me laugh so much I had to take a photo. Who is this masked hero fighting the menace of tooth decay ?

That plaque doesn't stand a chance !!

Best of all, earlier today he looked at me and said, "Mummy I love you because you feed me chips."

That'll do son, that'll do :)

When people talk about Sunday Night Syndrome it's usually with a 'back to school' feeling. One of dread and sadness that the working / school week is beginning again. Hubbie usually irons his shirts on Sunday evening while we watch TV and I sort out my lunch and organise my handbag for Monday.

Eating crisps with chopsticks - that's how we roll :)

This week we've had a crazy busy weekend with a family lunch, a quiz at the school and a party with classmates this afternoon. In between all of this we also managed to fit in a visit to the dentist and even pre-recorded a radio show. Even by our standards it's been more packed than usual. I'm tired at the end of my weekend and have a full week to follow.

There was a time when I was able to cope with all the slings and arrows that working life would throw at me, but that was before I was a parent. Now my son's social calendar defines what we do every weekend and we all work round that. The weekdays are no different and everything is organised around what time he has to be dropped off or picked up from school. If I have to go on a train journey out of London I book a train that will get me back in time to pick him up. Hubbie drops him off at breakfast club in the morning then goes to work. It's a finely tuned operation to ensure everyone can get where they need to be at the right time.

My boy and his friend hanging out

The bit that is difficult for me is that my boy is only 4 years old and he spends a long day at school so that me and Hubbie can work. He loves being at school and his friends are great, but he did ask me the other day if I could pick him up at 3.15 "like the other Mums." I said I would see what I can do. To be honest it's probably not helpful that he is leaving school in the dark so it feels like the middle of the night, but it's the first time he's expressed any discontent with the long days we subject him to.

It does make me question whether that is what I want for my child. Whether my relationship with him in the future will be compromised because of the decisions we have made right now. My sister still says that she often wished that our Mum had been home when we got back from school like all her friends' Mums. Our Mum worked full time and it never occurred to me that this was an issue. I accepted that she worked and that this was not her choice, but a necessity. I didn't have my Mum at home when I got back from school and she was often tired, but she always took time off during the school holidays and would save money to take us for days out and even the occasional holiday.

Yeah I make him do his own washing.

Hubbie has a great relationship with his Mum and they talk openly and honestly about things that matter to him. I hope that when my son grows up he feels close to me in the same way.

It won't always be like this. I won't be working long days and travelling all over the place. In a short time I will be back to taking him to school and picking him up at the same time as the other Mums. He will see me when it's daylight and we will spend time together after school and maybe even have friends over for playdates.

The main thing I want for my son is that when he looks back on this time he recalls a happy childhood. One that was filled with fun, laughter and love.

Those are the memories that I want to give my boy.

Happy Days :

I used to consider myself fashionable. Admittedly this was back in the eighties when it was ok to wear baggy trousers and oversized tops in bright colours, Converse baseball boots, bright make up
and... hang on, hold the phone, it would appear all of this is now back in fashion !!

Yes, those clothes I adored that my much younger sisters teased me about so mercilessly until eventually I gave them all away are not only back in, but actually the height of fashion !?!?!? "Whachoo talkin' about Willis ?"

Matching shoes

Well I think it is fair to say I'm not the age or shape to wear those clothes any more - not least as I stood next to a young woman on the tram the other day who had a wedge hairstyle, peg trousers, chain loafers and pink shimmer lipstick (cannot confirm if it was from Rimmel though) and I was instantly transported back to sixth form, Chelsea Girl, Miss Selfridge make up and Dolcis shoes. Ah the memories. I was the first in my school to have a yellow canvas fashion rucksack and a homemade satin puffball skirt because I'd seen both on the Clothes Show. I was Jeff Banks' biggest fan and Warehouse was the 'posh' shop on the high street from which my best work suit came. I wore it for about 20 years before I finally gave in and retired it.

Of course now I'm a lot older, I'm a Mum and most days I'm lucky if I leave the house wearing shoes that match. I wear jeans almost every day and because I swim so much I choose clothes that are easy to wear pre or post dip. I went for a coffee with a lovely fellow blogger (and proper writer) the other week and she told me that the striped top is a Mumsy cliche - almost all of my tops are striped !! I was horrified. How did I transform from that young woman obsessed with fashion to this middle-aged sitcom Mum with a full wardrobe and still nothing to wear ? I knew I needed a revamp. And I knew I'd have to go and see a professional. So, I made an appointment for a personal styling session at Peter Jones in Sloane Square. It's the poshest John Lewis store I know and it's where we had our wedding list so I know it pretty well. I've never bought clothes there though.

My appointment was with Yvonne and she started by bringing me a lovely pot of tea and we had a little chat about the colours I like and the event I wanted to dress for. I told her I had a public speaking event I wanted to look nice for - I'll be reading one of my posts out at Britmums Live and who needs any excuse to dress up ? Lovely Yvonne went off with a clothes rail to choose some frocks and I sat and made use of the free wifi.

So many pretty frocks to try on

The rail she came back with was loaded with amazing dresses and some matching jackets from ranges I've never shopped from before. She also brought me some lovely shoes to try on with the dresses. I only ever wear fit flops or boots so it was a bit of a trial putting on clothes and heels all at once, but hey what's life without a bit of a challenge eh ?

Yvonne told me I am different sizes on the top and bottom with narrow hips so I can wear a smaller size on my bottom half. This explains why I'm forever pulling my jeans up as I always buy the same size in everything regardless of how big it is and I never try on jeans in shops as it's just too demoralising. I was amazed how some of the fitted dresses really made me look shapely and she explained that my waist is my best feature - what ? are you serious lady ?

Beautiful and flattering

So, I whittled the selection down to three dresses that I absolutely love and as I've just had my birthday that was pretty poor timing really. They are completely different from my usual choice of clothing and I'm not sure I'd actually wear them often enough to justify the price tag, but how lovely to know that I can look that fab at my matronly stage of life.

I took off the high heels and gave them back to Yvonne. As I put my daggy boots back on I thanked her for her time and went back out into rainy Sloane Square.

I'm no fashionista, but man it's nice to pretend for a couple of hours.

wolf whistle time :)

Immediately after Britmums Live last year I did two things (ok if you count raiding the enormous goodie bag we got then I did three, but I digress as usual) Firstly, I wrote a blog post about the two day conference and how much fun I had and then I went online and booked a ticket for this year. I decided then and there that it had to be a staple part of my blog life to attend so I can categorically state that I will be going to Britmums Live in two weeks - YAY !!!

My souvenir from last year

The first conference I went to I was a newbie so it was just all so overwhelming to me. I panicked about what to wear, what to bring and if I'd have anyone to talk to. It was all fine and I came back armed with a head spinning with ideas about self-hosting, frequency of posting, social media presence and basically it ramped up my blogging life from snail's pace to the speed of a family cat - not mine, he's practically immobile most days.

Now when I attend a conference I try to focus on one thing instead of taking a scattergun approach to which sessions to attend.  The last conference I went to I was thinking about what I need to do to raise the profile of my blog and my writing generally and the sessions I went to all supported this aim. On the train home I made pages of notes with actions that I'm still working my way through.

Ooh snazzy !!

I haven't decided what my theme is for Britmums this year as there are so many brilliant sessions planned, but it will probably be photography and how my blog looks. I love taking photos and have just started making videos so I'd like to learn more about how to do this better. I'll be bringing an iPad mini with me to make notes, record important information and to take pics of other peoples' fab outfits. Talking of which...

No more sartorial panic for me this year. I booked a personal styling session with John Lewis at the swanky Peter Jones store in Sloane Square so I don't look as baggy and 'Mumsy' as I did last year. I got some great ideas and a wish list of frocks I cannot afford, but it also gave me a bit of a boost to try on clothes that I wouldn't feel confident wearing usually. The lovely Yvonne brought me some proper classy frocks to try on and I even looked slim in some of them !! I will need persuading to move away from my original plans of what to wear though. My idea was to wear a Debbie Harry photo print dress on Friday because it's baggy and sort of ok for the evening do and a Ramones t-shirt and slim fit jeans on the Saturday as it's casual and funky and me and Sonya Cisco can be Indie/Punk matrons together :)

This is the first year I've really thought about sponsorship and have been lucky enough to agree a sponsorship with an amazing company that works with pre-school children. Totstars run sports classes for pre-schoolers including, football, tennis and basketball with coaches who are fun, enthusiastic and great with children of all levels from shy to outgoing. My boy loves them and started at 20 months. He's grown so much and being in classes helped develop his confidence, his language and - of course - his hand eye co-ordination and ball skills. I'm delighted to represent a brand that has great values promoting positive actions, activity, healthy eating and having fun. I'll be writing about Totstars in a specific post, but for now I'd like to thank Coach Thuli :)



Stop Press: I've been invited to be a keynote speaker - eek !! I've done a lot of public speaking before, but never to peers like this and certainly not to a room of women who I feel like I know really well. If it's anything like last year it's also going to be filmed and streamed so my boy and Hubbie can watch it - hopefully live. Gulp !! I'd better wear something nice.

This weekend it's Mother's Day (if you're in the UK that is - our American friends celebrate in May for some reason). It'll be my 4th one as a Mum and I've planned a lovely pampering day on Saturday which my Mum is coming to and then lunch with Mother-in-law on Sunday. We've kind of got the hang of this thing now. My first one was a little fraught as my boy was only 6 months old and while I enjoyed having a day of being pampered I did actually want to spend some of the day with my son and Hubbie.

Me and my Mum at West Pier Brighton

We are both lucky that we have our Mums and we make sure they are thoroughly spoiled and that they get to see their grandson, which is no less than they deserve. They seem to enjoy spending time with the boy and as time goes on it gets difficult to think of things they don't already have lots of. In the past I've deluged my Mum with scarves, chocolate, flowers and all manner of gifts. In recent years I've noticed that I have inherited a habit from my Mum and her Mum (my Naniji) of saying that I don't want anything. I never understood it, but as time goes on I notice that with Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and then my birthday in the space of 6 months it does get a little crowded and I don't need that much. We're still working our way through all the chocolate we got at Christmas so I've embargoed all chocolate gifts until after Easter. This also helps with my getting fit and training for the Moonwalk so double bubble.

Hubbie with Mother-in-law

I prefer to have some pampering and relaxation so that's what I'll be doing courtesy of my boys. The nice thing about having some time to chill out is that I get to reflect on how far we've come as parents and what my boy can do now that I catch myself being amazed by.

• He can brush his own teeth. I remember when he didn't have any teeth

• He chooses his own clothes - sometimes many times a day - and he checks himself in the mirror !

• He asks questions and responds to the answers - I remember when he would burble and smile at whatever I said *sighs longingly*

• He can use scissors - properly - this still makes me wince and I keep wanting to take them out of his hands

• He can hold a conversation with a pilot, a cab driver or an airport official. I know adults who can't do this ! 

• He knows to speak up and look at his grandparents who are deaf when he talks to them - he doesn't shout

• He corrects me. Often. It drives me crazy

• He calls for me when he is hurt or upset - it makes me feel important - one day he won't 

The thing I like the best is when he gives me a big hug and a kiss and says, "Mummy, I love you more than Jiggles." Jiggles is the bear he loves most in the whole world.

Whatever you do I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day :)

Me with my one day old boy

When I became a Mum I figured I'd just know stuff. Like my Mum does. She knows pretty much everything that's of any use to anyone. I always assumed that as soon as I had a child I'd automatically know stuff too. I am now, slowly, realising that it's taken raising 4 kids for her to gather that kind of wikipedia-esque skill.

So far here are the questions I can answer:

My boy: Mummy can I watch Gruffalo please ?

Hubbie: Where are my swimming trunks ?

The Cat: Miaoooooow (translation: something to do with biscuits)

All of them: When do we eat ?

The Questions I can't answer: 

Why did the cat lick Hubbie's marmite on toast yesterday morning ?

Why is it always the one thing that is most precious that my son will drop on the floor and break when he's at someone else's house ? (sorry Janice)

When will I work out how much less shampoo and conditioner to use now my hair is short ?

Why do the bin men always leave the wheelie bin right in the middle of the drive after emptying it ?

And to prove how useful my Mum really is - here is a small sample of questions she can answer:


"Mum how do I programme the economy 7 heating system ?

"Mum, how do I prepare and cook [name of exotic vegetable] ?"

It is a cliche, I know, but I do love handbags. I have loads of them. Mostly satchel type or organiser bags with big pockets and compartments for all sorts of stuff. I do have some small evening bags and even the occasional 'proper lady' handbag. I know women who have a lovely dinky postage stamp of a handbag that they keep a phone, a discreet compact and a lipstick in and they go about their day. I aspire to their control. Mine, however, resembles those sacks you see in movies that baddies sling over their backs filled with kittens to drown in a nearby river before the hero rescues them.*

In the recent sales I decided to get myself a beautiful rather than functional bag and I chose a 'slouchy' one that is just gorgeous. In my attempts to go from slummy to yummy I'm trying so hard not to fill it with rubbish, but I took a quick itinerary of it yesterday and here's what it already has in it.

• 2 Ikea straws and a handful of napkins