Chocolate is not the only fruit

Opening credits

Pretending to be Phoebe

Yep I'm working at Central Perk

No comment Neo

Monica's Kitchen

We watched 'Monica' sing YMCA

I suspect I was one of few people there who watched the show when it first aired in the UK - there were kids there for goodness sake ! It was fun to sit in Joey and Chandler's armchairs, to look through Monica's fridge and to sit in Phoebe's singing spot. The only thing missing was the Rachel haircut I rocked 22 years ago.

What did we do before the Orange Wednesday offer of 2 for 1 cinema and 2 for 1 pizza at Pizza Express ? We didn't go out on dates that's what.

There was a time before we had our beloved boy when going out for the night wasn't such a mission. We'd play softball together one evening a week during the season, we'd go out for dinner quite often and we used to go to the Clapham Picturehouse for free previews or occasionally we'd pay for a movie.  The only time we ever paid full price for a film was to watch In The Loop and thankfully it was worth every penny.

Now if we want to watch a film together we usually have to wait until it's on DVD or - as we discovered recently - we can pay a small fee to watch it on TV and have our own home comforts while we watch Argo from the sofa in our pyjamas. The gold standard of date night, however, is when we have childcare and can go out to eat and watch a film both on the same night. Tonight was such a night.

We do make the obligatory calls to ask the babysitter (my sister) if our boy is being good. Of course being modern and high tech parents we have a teleconference with our son from Pizza Express direct to his cot and can check if he has toothpaste on his pyjama top or if he's playing up while he's supposed to be drinking his milk. With these duties done and pizza and doughballs wolfed down and paid for it's to the cinema for the main event.

Now I used to go to the cinema every week come rain or shine and watched a new movie each week. In recent years I watch fewer than 3 films a year in the cinema, so when I do they had better be good. The trailers give me the impression that my attendance is hitting the most likely candidates for films I can sit through. Apparently, upcoming delights include; Fast and Furious 6, another new Superman (Kevin Costner is his Earth dad this time, not a Duke of Hazzard), a zombie apocalypse movie starring Brad Pitt and something about a magic trick / grand larceny involving Woody Harrelson, the kid who invented Facebook and Borat's wife. It really didn't inspire me to return to the cinema again any time soon.

The last cinema visit we made was to watch Avengers Assemble which was brilliant. Cracking dialogue, great action sequences and lots of super heroes. I have to say that Star Trek: Into Darkness was no less impressive. It gave me laughs, thrills and a story I could actually follow (no mean feat these days !) We upgraded to the premium seats for a treat and if we'd had any snacks we had two places to store them and extra wide arm rests too !!

In a return to my movie reviewing past after a 22 year hiatus here are the highlights:

• Chris Pine giving it the full Shatner 
• Bones played with tongue so far into his cheek it was poking into his ear
• Spock, Kirk and Uhura having a domestic in a small shuttle while trying to avoid a Klingon attack
• Scenes on moving vehicles reminiscent of Blade Runner 
• Costume changes so ridiculous that at one point Bones appears to be wearing his Gran's best dress 
• Benedict Cabbagepatch in action mode and giving it large with his dulcet tones and dreamy dark hair 

The best moment, though, was when Benedict's character reveals who he really is. In the hush of the cinema a lone voice said - with feeling - "oh Shit !!" it was what we were all thinking and it relieved the tension of the moment, albeit temporarily.

I love date night.

Mother-in-law was asking me earlier this week about work. We'd just finished eating and I was still tired from two sleepless nights with a teething toddler, so I was only really half listening. Initially she asked if I had given up working and I said yes. Then she asked if I was going to look for another job and I said I wasn't sure, but I'd probably look for something that fitted round my boy's busy schedule. She then went on to tell me how it's so much nicer to stay at home with your children and it was simpler in her day as you could do that.

This morning there was a discussion on the radio about women 'having it all' and whether or not it was possible or preferable to work or be a full time mum. As I was driving back from an aerobics class while Hubbie and toddler were out doing father and son activities I only caught two soundbites. One was a woman saying that women should never give up work. The other was that men can have it all because they have women to do the other stuff for them.

I stayed at home with my boy for the first year of his life and that was a bare minimum for me to feel ready to leave him. Then I went back to work - ostensibly full time, but with flexible hours and a lot of leave to use up. I hated being at work while others looked after my boy. He was with family members as my sister and Hubbie did the childcare so he was always with people who love him very much. I missed him so much and my work just didn't appeal any more. When the offer of voluntary redundancy came up we discussed if it would work for us and Hubbie agreed that we could manage if I stayed at home. I loved being with my son every day and took him to playgroups and activities every day.

Then a few months ago I found myself feeling fed up. My life seemed to be about waiting for my boy to nap then while he was asleep preparing for him to wake up. I cooked most evenings and my son ate home cooked food every day. He got so used to me that he would greet Daddy enthusiastically and look disappointed if it was just me - AGAIN.

A job came up locally which I decided to do a few days a week to see how it went and if it would suit me to work as my boy was older now (although still under 2 and increasingly cheeky - of course). I did the job a few weeks and just knew it wasn't for me. I was in an office alone and the work was pretty soul destroying. What had started out as a way to have some time for myself and to spend time with other adults became a long walk at lunchtime sandwiched between massive boredom either side. Another discussion with Hubbie about the pointlessness of doing a job that was making me so miserable led to my deciding to give my notice.

This brings us right up to date with my conversation with MiL. Women of her generation do have a different perspective on how to raise children. It took me and Hubbie a long time to have our son so it was important to me that I raise him and care for him as I didn't have him to farm him out to childminders. My mother didn't have any choice and had to work despite having four children. Her perspective is broadly the same and she encourages me to stay at home if I can while understanding (a lot better than MiL I suspect) how hard it is to work and raise a family.

The phrase 'having it all' is misleading:

Women work because we want to or because we need to
We have children and raise them because we want to or can do
We try and do both because we have to or because we are led to believe we are supposed to

The messages we get about being a Mum are:

Being a Mum is not enough to be 'a job'
Working and trying to raise your children will mean you are not doing a good job of either
Being dedicated to your work makes you a poor parent

So I find myself once again tackling the thorny issue of whether to work or not. If I work we can have a few nicer things and maybe a holiday. It means the pressure is not on Hubbie to bring home the Quorn bacon so he can still have some family life and not be a wage slave to support us all.

If I stay at home I get to raise our boy with our values, our boundaries and to watch my little boy grow into a confident and engaging little man before my eyes. I can look at him and beam with pride when he says "bless you" for someone who sneezes or does all the actions to Incy Wincy spider, or strokes the cat gently after weeks of being told not to pull his tail. It also means I get all the tantrums, the throwing, the refusing to do as he's told and hearing the word "no" so many times I cannot tell you.

I've said before that I don't want to have it all. I just want to have a son who feels happy and secure. A Hubbie who is happy and feels appreciated and loved. A family who feel they are part of my son's life and valued. Oh and if there is room for one more wish I'd like this body in a size ten please.

As I was half listening to Radio 4 yesterday I heard that a report had found that mothers who work are less likely to become depressed than women who stay at home with their children. One of the women commenting on this report stated that she would be bored senseless if she stayed at home with nothing to do but look after children and going to work gave her purpose and meaning in life.

Having been at home for over a year looking after my boy I noticed that recently I had become resentful of not having any time to myself in a day and waited with impatience for Hubbie to get home so that I could go and do something other than be with my beloved offspring. I was a seething mass of unexplained anger and found that being by myself with my son was appealing for only so many hours of the day. I don't know many people in the area where we live and the ones I do have mostly returned to work or are pregnant again so I don't even see them much. The weekly routine of playgroups and activities gets us both out of the house and I make sure that we do something constructive every day even if it's just a walk to the park. Coupled with an insane paranoia about leaving the house because of a spate of burglaries in our local area I've become a bit reluctant to go too far or out for too long. This is no way to live I was aware that if I didn't pull myself together I was going to become agoraphobic.

I finally opened up about this to a few friends and they concluded that I needed to go back to work as I was bored and underachieving at home. So in the last month I have returned to working a few days a week at a job that is not far from home. I was absolutely miserable for the first few weeks. I missed my son terribly and couldn't bear being in an office on my own for a whole day with only the scale filled kettle in the finance office to lure me out for the occasional cup of tea. It was, however, lovely to come home to hear all about what my boy had been doing and to see his smiling face and acknowledge that he hadn't been irreparably harmed by me not being there to tend to his every whim.

I'm still not entirely sure that this is the dream job for me, but I do know that when my son waves me off in the morning he's in good hands all day. I enjoy going for a walk at lunchtime and I like using my brain for something other than planning meals for my family and deciding if the bookcase should stay where it is or be moved a few feet to the left. Ok so I don't get to bake as much - which is completely overrated as a pastime by the way - and I'm sure the cat will lose some weight without me giving in to his plaintive cries for biscuits every time I go anywhere near the kitchen.

My Mum worked full time most of my life and didn't have a choice about it. She still cooked a meal for us every evening and managed the household budget as well as ensuring we were all doing well at school. In my mind that is the gold standard of what I should be aiming for and anything less is just me being lazy or not trying hard enough.

In a year of celebrations from the Olympics to the Queen's diamond jubilee we've just had Mother's Day and in June it'll be Father's Day. We also now have grandparents day, nurses day and all manner of celebratory days to mark the special relationships we have with people. There are some glaring omissions though and one that I feel especially aggrieved by is the lack of a day to celebrate siblings.

As the oldest of four children I have a few of them and have been blessed with some great kindness that I think is worth a mention. In particular I have one sister who has been through some hardship in recent years and has still remained a kind and loving person.

When she was a young child she was always looking out for everyone. If I went out for the evening (I didn't have a wild social life, despite what my Mother thinks) no matter how late it was I'd get home to see her sitting on the top stair usually fast asleep waiting for me to get home safe before she would go to bed herself.

When I returned home having left my first husband none of my family questioned why or what happened. On the first night my sister came into the room I was staying in and asked if I wanted her to stay with me. She sat by the bed in the dark, quietly, just keeping me company until I fell asleep. I had no idea what I needed, but it was the kindest and most selfless gesture.

When I was in labour and had to go into hospital because our son was having trouble being born my sister was the go-between with my family checking on how we were doing and helping hubbie keep calm. She was the first to visit her nephew and offered to help me have a wash as I felt so skanky in the hospital.

Since then she has been invaluable in caring for my son and by association me. She would tell me to go and lie down and even took my son out in his pram without me for the first time. Last week she took him for his first happy meal and I expect she will be his favourite auntie all his life for that alone !

Just writing this has made me tearful, so I'm going to stop, but not before I say thank you to my sister. There isn't enough cake or chocolate in the world to thank you for being such a kind and loving person, but you will always get both whenever you are here.

Oh and I'm working on getting you Jessie Pavelka dipped in chocolate :o)