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Politics

Politics
Trump Indicates Desire For Speedy End To World
WASHINGTON—Stating that he hoped action in the region would draw to a close in the coming weeks, President Donald Trump…

Politics
Kash Patel Invites FBI Agents To Train With Professional Pickup Artists
Politics
Supreme Court Upholds Temporal Gerrymander That Would Cost Democrats 1932 Election
Politics
White House Mocks Paltry Attendance At Democrats’ Great American State Fair
Politics
Political Profile: Ken Paxton

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Politics
Trump Warns U.S. Will No Longer Protect G7 From Threat Of Jigsaw
ÉVIAN-LES-BAINS, FRANCE—Claiming their failure to help America would now leave the nations incredibly vulnerable to the danger of shotgun carousels, President Donald Trump warned the…
Politics
RFK Jr. Hosts Meet-And-Greet With Infectious Diseases
WASHINGTON—Hailing the exclusive gathering as an opportunity to usher in an era of peace and goodwill, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. hosted a lively meet-and-greet…
Politics
Nancy Mace Introduces Bill To Separate Gubernatorial Races By Gender
Politics
Trump Boys Bulk Up For UFC Fight By Chugging Sour Cream
Politics
Politician With No Better Ideas Decides To Campaign On Improving The Economy
DENVER—Frustrated by his fixation on a totally irrelevant topic at the expense of issues that actually matter to Americans, numerous voters told reporters this week…
Politics
The White House UFC Fight By The Numbers
On Sunday, the same day as President Trump’s 80th birthday, the White House will host UFC Freedom 250 on the South Lawn. The Onion takes…

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Politics
FDA Recalls 40,000 Gallons Of RFK Jr. Milk
WASHINGTON—In what experts are already calling one of the worst outbreaks of foodborne illness in decades, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued an urgent…
Politics
Biggest Revelations From Jill Biden’s New Memoir
Jill Biden has released View From The East Wing, a memoir detailing her time as first lady of the United States. Here are the book’s…
Politics
Slipknot Orders Trump To Stop Using Their Masks During Rallies
DES MOINES, IA—Joining a long line of musicians who have threatened legal action against the commander-in-chief, nu-metal band Slipknot issued a public statement Tuesday demanding…
Politics
Department Of Labor Cracks Down On People Getting Paid For Work
WASHINGTON—Adopting a tougher stance against the increasingly widespread form of workplace corruption, U.S. Department of Labor officials announced plans Thursday to crack down on people…
Politics
Trump Diverts All Science Funding Into Locating The Smurfs
WASHINGTON—Instituting a massive overhaul to the federal government’s scientific grant system in order to find the mythical cartoon characters, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that…
Politics
Kash Patel’s Eyes Fall Out

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