News Archives - The Onion

Become A Member. Get The Paper.

News

News
Pros And Cons Of Phone-Free Concerts
More artists are banning phones at their shows. The Onion examines the pros and cons of phone-free concerts. PRO Phone…

Become A Member Of The Last Functioning Part Of Our Democracy.

Join The Onion Today

Read More

News
Arby’s Reclassifies Their Food As Entertainment
ATLANTA—In a move widely interpreted as an effort to exempt its offerings from health and safety standards, American chain restaurant Arby’s issued a statement Tuesday…
News
International Chess Federation Adds Race Car Piece
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—In what scholars have called the largest shake-up of the game’s rule set in centuries, the International Chess Federation announced Tuesday that it was…
News
Downed U.S. Airman Rescued From Iran
A U.S. Air Force officer who went missing after his fighter jet was shot down over a remote area of Iran has been rescued, with…
News
Artemis II Astronaut Decapitated By Telephone Pole After Sticking Head Out Window
News
Bari Weiss Attempts To Boost Ratings By Kidnapping Tony Dokoupil’s Mom
NEW YORK—In a desperate ploy aimed at playing on the sympathies of concerned viewers, CBS News editor-in-chief Bari Weiss reportedly attempted to boost ratings for…
News
340 Million Americans Killed In Botched Training Exercise
WASHINGTON—In a tragic accident the Pentagon confirmed was currently under internal investigation, 340 million Americans were killed Tuesday in the course of a botched military…

News
Pete Hegseth Replaces Top General With Horse That Drinks Beer
WASHINGTON—Saying he had finally found a military commander whose character was worthy of the U.S. Army, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Friday that he was replacing…
News
Iran Imposes New ‘Cash, Grass, Or Ass’ Fee For Strait Of Hormuz
News
Blue Origin To Increase Space Tourism By Launching World’s Largest Ball Of Twine Into Orbit
KENT, WA—In an effort to attract new customers by generating more enthusiasm for space tourism among the general populace, civilian spaceflight operator Blue Origin confirmed…
News
Colorado Overrun With Flamboyant Children After Camp Director Notices Conversion Therapy Device Set To Reverse
DENVER—Growing increasingly frantic as the mobs of exuberant preteens flooded from their bunks into the state of Colorado beyond, local Christian camp director Alan Mullins…
News
SNAP Now Requiring Recipients To Spend 80 Hours A Month In Hypoglycemic Coma
WASHINGTON—In an effort to clamp down on what it claimed was fraudulent use of federal food benefits, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Thursday that…
News
Artemis II Mission Fails After Astronauts Miss Connection Rocket In Atlanta
ATLANTA—Forced to call off the approximately $4 billion journey around the moon due to unforeseen delays experienced by its four-member crew, NASA confirmed Thursday that…

Advertising

Advertising

The Latest