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Obituaries
Gideon Spencer
Gideon Spencer, 77, died Monday. The family requests privacy while they fight over his stuff.

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Weddings
Samantha Irizarry and Isaac Porter
The couple were wed Saturday in a ceremony attended by both of their future spouses.
Local
Art Thief Leaves Behind Tacky Jeff Koons Piece
Real Estate
Guess You Should’ve Made Your Coffee At Home
This perfect Tudor, which is walking distance from downtown and boasts plenty of space, will go to someone who bid exactly $7.34 more than you.…
Local
Rich Parents Fill Easter Eggs With Gas
Local
Photo Of Unknown Child Graces Grandma’s Fridge
Local
Inconsiderate Wife Leaves Bathroom A Total Mess After Home Birth
AUSTIN, TX—Reporting that he plans to shower at the gym due to the bathtub being left “absolutely disgusting,” local man Michael DiCanio expressed annoyance Thursday…

Local
Mail Carrier Hurt To Learn Residents On His Route Have Been Receiving Electronic Mail
TOLEDO, OH—Visibly distraught as he learned of the widespread betrayal, local mail carrier Ned Mungo expressed dismay Thursday upon realizing that the residents on his…
Local
Fucker Has Nerve To Be 22 Years Old
Local
British Man Desperately Trying To Get Out Of Panel Show Duty
LONDON—Pinching the bridge of his nose and releasing a long weary sigh after he opened a letter summoning him to BBC headquarters, British man Arthur…
Local
Hospital Decides Cancer-Sniffing Leopard More Trouble Than It’s Worth
CLEVELAND—Saying the costs had begun to outweigh the benefits, administrators at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed Tuesday that they had decided to discontinue their use of…
Local
Thing Left By Previous Tenant Still In Corner
Local
Rusty TSA Agent Sticks Hand Into Wrong Cavity

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