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Wednesday, July 1, 2026

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Last Living Millennial Dies

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Palantir Acquires Pentagon For $800 Billion
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Prize Hog Drops Out Of Great American State Fair Due To Event’s Political Nature
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Study: Mosquitos More Attracted To People Branded With Mosquito God’s Rune Of Punishment
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French Reporter Illustrates Extreme Heat By Flambéing Cherries Jubilee On Sidewalk

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Imperialist Planet Fitness Declares Annexed GameStop Part Of Judgement Free Zone
HANNIBAL, MO—Expanding their exercise empire through a hostile takeover of the nearby business, the imperialistic Planet Fitness reportedly annexed a nearby GameStop Thursday as part…
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New Raid Immortality Spray Curses Insects To Watch Everyone They Love Die
RACINE, WI—Vowing that the new product line was the ideal way to make termites and beetles suffer for all eternity, household chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson…
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GOP Urges Democrats To Tone Down Rhetoric Used To Quote President Verbatim
WASHINGTON—Imploring their colleagues across the aisle to be mindful of how the highly charged language might elevate national tensions, congressional Republicans urged Democrats Tuesday to…
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Ticks: Myth Vs. Fact
The CDC reports an estimated 31 million people in the United States are bitten by a tick annually. The Onion examines the myths and facts…
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Keir Starmer Resigns Amid ‘Not Being Very Good Prime Minister’ Scandal
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Study Contends Free Will Disproven By Fact That Humans Repeatedly Eat At Jimmy John’s
CHAMPAIGN, IL—Shedding new light on the concept of voluntary behavior, researchers at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign contend in a study published this week that…

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U.K. Weighs Social Media Ban Of Everyone Except Old Men Who Grow Big Vegetables
LONDON—Insisting that digital platforms should be restricted to responsible individuals, members of the U.K. Parliament announced Friday they were weighing a ban on social media…
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McDonald’s Warns Corporate Employees To Beware Emails From Sender Purporting To Be Grimace
CHICAGO—Telling staff never to click on any suspicious communications with blurred purple images, McDonald’s officials reportedly warned corporate employees Friday to beware any emails from…
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The Obama Presidential Center By The Numbers
After more than a decade of planning, the Barack Obama Presidential Center will open on June 19, 2026, in Chicago’s Jackson Park, offering access to…
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What To Know About Screwworm
A flesh-eating fly known as New World screwworm has been found in livestock in Texas. Here’s everything you need to know about the parasitic pest.…
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Pride By The Numbers
Millions of LBGTQ+ Americans and allies will march, cheer, and celebrate at Pride events this weekend. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures…
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Study: More Americans Foregoing College In Favor Of Letting The Carnival Sort Them Out
COLUMBIA, MO—Surveying a wide cross section of Americans aged 18 to 24, a new study published Tuesday by researchers at the University of Missouri found…

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