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Politics
Kash Patel Invites FBI Agents To Train With Professional Pickup Artists
QUANTICO, VA—Alarmed by what he described as the inability of supposedly elite law enforcement officers to approach and seduce attractive women, FBI director Kash Patel…
Sports
Report: That’s Enough Soccer For Now
WASHINGTON—Saying the nation had enjoyed a perfectly adequate amount of dribbling, passing, and loud chanting, a new report published Tuesday confirmed that was enough soccer…
American Voices
Escaped Giraffe Unable To Be Located
A 3-year-old giraffe is missing after escaping a ranch in Texas two weeks ago, with search helicopters turning up nothing. What do you think?
Obituaries
Elaine Gardener
Elaine Gardener’s loved ones can rest easy knowing the 63-year-old passed after having finally completed the Devil’s Dozen Challenge at Sliders Bar & Grill.
News
Last Living Millennial Dies
Sports
Washington Wizards Announce Founding Wizard Dead At 682
WASHINGTON—In a statement that mourned “the extinguishing of one of the league’s oldest and most infernal lights,” the Washington Wizards announced Tuesday that the organization’s…

Local
Older Cousin Demonstrates New Pressure Points Learned Since Last Visit
TWIN FALLS, ID—Highlighting sensitive areas on the body that when properly manipulated could induce extreme pain, older cousin Noah Horner held a demonstration on new…
Politics
Supreme Court Upholds Temporal Gerrymander That Would Cost Democrats 1932 Election
WASHINGTON—In a wide-reaching decision likely to affect every era of American life, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a landmark ruling Tuesday upholding a temporal gerrymander…
News
Palantir Acquires Pentagon For $800 Billion
MIAMI—In an effort to diversify its holdings in the highly competitive militarized surveillance space, data analytics firm Palantir announced Thursday that it had acquired the…
Politics
White House Mocks Paltry Attendance At Democrats’ Great American State Fair
WASHINGTON—Expressing delight at the complete humiliation of their political opponents, White House officials on Monday gleefully mocked the paltry attendance at Democrats’ Great American State…
Sports
Player Profile: Lionel Messi
Broadly considered one of the greatest soccer players of all time, Argentina’s Lionel Messi set a new record as the top goalscorer in World Cup…
Real Estate
Only 11 Hours From The Beach
With this practically coastal retreat, breathtaking ocean breezes and the soothing sound of waves are only a day-long car ride and a few state lines…

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