@DeepInThought4U

Kaamo hi yagne prathamo nainam devaa aapuh pitaro na martyaah

Tatastvamasi jyaayaan vishwahaa mahaan tasmai te kaama namaskaromi

O Kamadeva, in the sacrifice of creation, you were the first to emerge; gods, ancestors or humans did not get the same status as you

You are the oldest and the best, with none more omnipotent than you, so I salute you, Kamadeva.

 ~o~

Cast your mind back to the time when you were a teenager, when you were about to enter highschool, and were ultra-curious about all matters relating to physical pleasure.  Whom did you turn to, to satisfy this curiosity?  Those of you who belong to the pre-internet era, are likely to say peers (who were equally ignorant/misinformed), adult magazines (with glammed up models), or clandestinely arranged blue-film VCR watch-parties (films in which we saw impossibly well-endowed actors with amazing ‘staying power’).  The Gen Z children are luckier; for them, access to the sexual act is just a few clicks away on their handheld devices. 

Regardless of the mode of exploration, all children/adolescents have a natural curiosity about...

SEX.

That one word that is sure to send any Indian parent into a tizzy.  A topic that is often spoken of in hushed tones, if not brushed under the carpet altogether.  Indian parents are masters at pretending as though sex does not exist, and somehow our existence on this planet is a result of some immaculate and/or chaste divination.  Growing up, I have seen overzealous adults changing TV channels whenever an intimate scene appeared, to save us children from becoming ‘spoilt’.  Rather than hiding and denying, how wonderful it would have been if these adults had provided us with timely education on such matters.  It would have saved us from misinformation and much embarrassment. 

Sexual censoriousness is an unfortunate by product of centuries of Abrahamic invasions and occupation and negation of our land, religion and culture that has immortalized sex through the erotic sculptures of Khajuraho and the greatest manual on sex, Kamasutra.  Prior to this forced puritanism, our scriptures had already acknowledged the importance of sex in our existence.  The Taitiriya Upanishad exhorted gurukul-graduating students to become householders and have progeny to perpetuate the society.  The Purusharthas, in addition to dharma (righteousness/duty), artha (job/money) and moksha (liberation), also prescribe kama (sex/marriage/progeny) as the four main goals of human life. 

Which other religion/culture can lay claim to such an achievement?  This overt expression of human sexuality is to be appreciated, celebrated and revived, rather than vilified and denied.  

This is not to negate the spiritual aspects of our existence; we are, as the saying goes, spiritual beings having a human experience.  But with the exception of certain messiahs, the lesser mortals such as you and I are here in our physical avatars because, excuse the bluntness, our parents had sex with each other.  We are all products of desire, and there is no getting around this fact. 

In actual fact, sex is omnipresent.  It is what every living being resorts to instinctually to propagate the species.  The sex drive is usually higher in men for a reason: to help the male of the species to spread his genetic material far and wide to ensure survival of his ilk.  The more you repress sex as a society, the more it is likely to emerge later, often bursting out as unbridled urges with disastrous consequences – sexual assaults and rapes being the prime adverse effects of this repressive mindset. 

There are misconceptions galore as far as the sexual act is concerned.  A headmistress of a school once asked me if by imparting sex education to the children of her school, would we not encourage overt sexual behaviour in them?!  The short answer to that, of course, is no, but really, how do you respond to that without being incredulous, coming as it was from an educated person occupying a position of responsibility?  Just goes to show how ill-informed we are about something as basic a necessity as food and water.

In certain religions, implausible notions of chastity are advocated, which somehow seem to be applicable only to the female members of such regressive communities.  Hence, we find women under veils of various colours, sizes, and shapes, sometimes covering the entire body like a bank vault.  In the olden days, chastity belts were used to make sure that the woman of the house does not sleep with any other man.  Female genital mutilation is another regressive practice that is inflicted on hapless women to ensure their sex drive is under control.

I have lost count of the number of men who are preoccupied with the size of their penises.  Somehow, sexual potency is equated with the length of the male organ, and the unhappy ones can go to any extent and website selling potency pills in the pursuit of those few extra inches, or ‘high stamina’.  There is a particular type of culture-bound syndrome called Dhat Syndrome that is prevalent among Indian men, in which there is a belief that semen is being lost in the urine resulting in enervation and loss of potency. 

Masturbation is considered to be abnormal by many.  It is seen as a desperate act by those who are single or wary of having interpersonal sex.  In certain spiritual practices, it is considered to be a waste of energy source if veeryaskalana - semen ejaculation by masturbation, is done.  

In reality, everybody does it, but does not admit to it.  It is a normal act, and indeed a release for sexual tension, which may otherwise present as nightfall or sexual frustration.  While moderate masturbation is okay, it is important to remember that excessive masturbation can be addictive and therefore harmful. 

Appropriate use of pornography is looked down upon severely in conservative societies.  Like sex, this is also omnipresent – if any man says he has never browsed porn, take it as a big fat lie.  Again, this is not to say that women do not have sexual urges or browse porn, but comparatively they do it less.  In certain long-stay rehab centres, where the inmates do not have access to interpersonal sex, it is not uncommon to provide them with adult magazines/films so that they can gratify themselves.  Needless to say, excessive porn, like masturbation is harmful, and that involving nonconsenting individuals and children is a criminal act.   

Paraphilias are sexual deviances, such as being aroused by non-genital body parts or non-living objects or crossdressing.  This could be a normal variant of sexual act, but when it involves a nonconsenting individual or a child, or the act/thought itself causes significant distress or social impairment, then it could become a Paraphilic Disorder.  

Just to quote an example, I have seen a teenaged boy who admitted to crossdressing and getting aroused by the act.  Even though his actions caused much distress to his parents, it might have been okay if he had done it in privacy (Transvestism).  But he once stood in the balcony wearing his mother’s clothes and gesticulated at passing men on the road, as a result of which his diagnosis had to be Transvestic Disorder.    

There is one paraphilia that is both a mental disorder and a crime: pedophilia.  Child sexual abuse is rampant in our society, and once again, we as parents/guardians have failed spectacularly to keep our children safe from sexual predators. 

On the other hand, there are variations in normal gender and/or sexual preference which are neither disorders nor crimes: transsexualism and homosexuality.  That is to say, individuals who identify themselves as belonging to another gender, or not at all, and those who are sexually attracted to members of their own gender, are neither ill nor criminals.

Unless you have been living under a rock recently, you will know that homosexuality has been decriminalised and that these individuals are collectively grouped under the label of LGBTQI+.  The plus at the end indicates the complex and never-ending manifestation of human gender/sexuality that keeps expressing itself in newer ways, refusing to be confined to the binary of male/female that we in Indian society have assumed to be the case all these years.  This spectrum has always existed, but like sex it was not acknowledged until now, when more such individuals are coming out to assert their gender/sexuality openly. 

As parents, it behoves you to be sympathetic if your son/daughter turns out to be gay; it is not a lifestyle choice, it is just the way they are.  Just as being left-handed or grey-eyed is a deviation from usual, being gay is a deviation from heterosexuality.  Remember that there is no treatment to cure them of being gay, and accept them for what they are. 

With so much of intricacies and misconceptions associated with the sexual act, imagine the plight of a child that is just waking up to the reality that children are not deposited on the doorstep by a stork, or that their siblings were not given to them by God for 'good behaviour'.  They can be gullible enough to trust that dodgy uncle who slips his hand up their undergarments while feeling himself, and then tells them to ‘keep it a secret’, or else! 

Your children are not aware about the risks involved in having sex with strangers or boy/girlfriends that they have just met, whether they be unwanted pregnancies, or sexually contracted diseases.  They are certainly not aware that they should develop a trustworthy relationship with a person of good character before they submit their bodies to the sexual act.  As a result, they are vulnerable to being exploited, abused, and being subjected to a non-consensual sexual assaults.  

It is time, therefore, as parents to shed our cultural conditioning about sex and take a lead in sexually educating our children.  But what is the right age to do this at?  Who should do it; father or mother?  What should be included in the sex education talk?  Will we be inducing sexual promiscuity by talking openly about sex?  To address such misgivings, I have prepared a few tips on sex education in this video (with additional text in Hindi & Kannada):

I have no hesitation in saying that I provided sexual education to my daughter just after she attained menarche.   You may well ask, how can I, as a parent talk to my child about sex?!  Horror of horrors, how can a father talk to his daughter about sexual gratification, or a mother to her son, for that matter?  I say, why not?  If not you, who else?  Their friends?  Teachers?  Websites?  If you do not do it, your child will find a way of educating him/herself and also satisfying his/her urge.  The source/means of doing this could be iffy and dangerous. 

So, it is better if you remain in control of this part of their essential life education, as well as your overall PR, i.e., parental responsibility.  You should make yourself so approachable that your child is not diffident about talking to you about sex, or any other issue, for that matter.  I am not saying start having open sex in front of your toddler, or start browsing porn with your teenager, but we need to shed our inhibitions about sex, and have open discussions about it at the right time period. 

Educate your child about the possibility of sexual abuse when he/she is likely to leave the safety of your home and meet other people, at a playschool, for example.  Specifically, speak about ‘good touch, bad touch’ and not to trust strangers and do as they say without checking with you. 

When your child attains puberty, speak about the topics covered in this video.  I am deliberately not prescribing an age to do this at because the concept of biological age, I find, is arbitrary and unhelpful as far as human development and understanding are concerned; each child develops at his/her own pace.  Instead, let your child’s mind/body guide you.  In girls, menarche is the definite starting point of physical puberty; in boys it is rather vague, but you can still watch out for signs of physical sexual maturity such as deepening of voice, development of facial hair, and, if you can discern, a curiosity in matters relating to sex. 

In both the genders, it is important to remember that they may be physically mature, but emotionally still naïve.  So, talk about the emotions, relationships, character traits of boy/girlfriend/partner, and assessing trustworthiness before embarking on a sexual relationship at a later age, perhaps towards the end of adolescence.  

More specifically, talk about the issue of consent: girls are allowed to say no to the sexual act, or change their mind about it at any time, and boys have to respect this decision and leave them alone, and, just to be absolutely clear, this is applicable even if the genders are reversed. 

If you are still uncomfortable talking to your child/teenager about these issues, do not hesitate to seek the help of a professional counsellor (preferably gender-matched).

Update, October 2023:

I saw the film, OMG2 and tweeted thus:

I particularly liked the following aspects:

1. The symbolism of Shivalinga, which depicts the sexual union of Purusha and Prakriti (even though in the spiritual sense, it is a column of Shiva's effulgence that originated at the time of creation).
2. Apart from the cultural references mentioned above, there was also a quote from the Panchatantra about kamashastra - sexual education of students.
3. I am glad they raised the issue of Macaulayization of Indian education system, which was very effective in annihilating kamashastra, leading to further repression of sex in our society: I hope that this is addressed in the National Education Policy.  
4. Loved the Shiva-Nandi interludes that keep guiding the protagonist towards Truth.  
5. The song, Oonche oonche wadi is beautiful.
6. I am a big fan of Pankaj Tripathi who is extraordinary in this film, and richly deserves every bit of the success that he is getting.