This is not an over-sized pocket protector.

This is Apple's new Platomorphic Optical Shield.

It is a steal at $399.99.

You will need to buy this.

Right now.

You will need to buy this because, uh, something something petabytes of cool.

Something something provenance.

Something something lineage.

Something something mouth-feel.

Something something post-millennial design elements.

Something something peevish insouciance.

Without this,

your brand new iPad might as well be an IBM Selectric.
Covered in wet dog fur.
Smeared with pig dung.

Without this, no one will ever love you again.

Without this, your penis will fall off.

If you do not have a penis, you will grow one.

Out of your forehead.

And then it will fall off.

You will need to buy this.

Right now.

NowNowNowNowNowNowNowNowNow.