-- Ρημαδομπλoγκ --

i've lost or decided to drop four people in the last few weeks. realised it was only ok as long as i did what they wanted and didn't speak up, and when i stood up for myself and wasn't so accommodating anymore, i was suddenly "rude" and "thinking only of myself"... spoilt, manipulative people *shrugs* hope i've learnet better now. a bit angry at myself for my naivity but still...

this also became evident in a dream i had this morning, where i stood up for myself at someone who was taking advantage of me. so my sunday began nicely, and continued even more so... i can look back at a nice weekend, bring on monday...!

i do like my self of more and more.

i'm loving my new haircut, too!

love is...
...when someone rushes to the door to push a fleece sweater over your head when you're taking the trash out cuz are you crazy to go in minus three degrees in your t shirt

my phone rang on the way home tonight. it was my lovely friend C, for shorts let's call him Treasure, returning my call from the other night. "oh i'm so sorry my love, i couldn't answer it yesterday, i was talking to the supervising doctor, i just got home from the hospital and had to eat something before i could call you, this internship is such a pain on my cute gay ass (I am NOT translating the literal greek expression he used... i'm keeping it civil), i can't believe i am a doctor, can you believe it? omg i am a doctor, why didn't you let me drop out of medicine school, oh, my darling, it is so difficult, those night shifts, ah, if you'd see my dark cirles under my eyes, you must make me some of your creams... "

i was smiling and a tear froze on the edge of my eye at the same time

firstly, i was so proud of him. secondly, he is so incredily sweet, omg if i weren't gay i would so be all over him even if he still was. and i was a tiny little proud of myself, and no, not for his flawless greek (he is another student of mine turned close friend - and we're done with those cases)

thirdly, just an hour before the call, i was taking the 20 min walk from school to the main station freezing and having the following thoughts...

friends don't make it easy for you. friends won't provide you with the perfect excuse why you can't really pursue your dream just because you're asking for one. friends won't let you forget what your dream was just because you're too tired to remember. friends won't let you out of a relationship that they know makes you happy just because you're too stubborn to say sorry, friends will nag you to quit smoking until your ears bleed. friends won't let you drop out of school even if they have to spend the whole night over your shoulder making sure you finish that essay on deadline so you won't even have to repeat that one class. friends won't tell you it's ok to be lazy or that you deserve some chill time when you should be studying till your eyes pop out. friends don't give you permission to ruin your life. friends tell it like it is when you're about to make a mistake you'll regret for many years to come.

and thank god, i have some friends just like that. i hope my friends are thankful for this nagging know-it-all bitch, too.

my flatmate went to the opera this morning, they had a sale. no, not opera tickets sale. they were getting rid of costumes from past seasons.

he told me he had to wait in line for 15 minutes, before he could be admitted into the storage hall where the things were. there were rows and rows of costumes, only separated into men's and women's, all sizes together. the prices ranging from 20 to 200 francs.

there were people there who go to this sale every year, some looking for extravagant dresses, or people looking for material for their hobby theatre group but also people who went just to have a look at the opera "backstage". i would love to go with next year! actually the sale will still be on tomorrow from 10 to 5.

he came home with some things that he can use at his next live action role-playing event (LARP): a long, woolen coat that will be suitable for his tailor character, a vest and leg covers from different pieces of fake fur that make him look like a neandertaler.

this is the events where he goes two to three times a year (and I have the house to myself for a week each )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=079ZfhnvFPs

he and other friends have been nagging me to go along and I am starting to think about it. of course, I would like to go as an elf, but with my stature, I'd have to be happy in a dwarf role

last night was a very eventful night.

first, i met a friend who i hadnt seen for 3 years. for some reasons we had lost touch. he had called me after new years and we arranged to meet. i almost jumped at him when i saw him approaching and there were kisses and tight hugs we had a nice walk, weather was warm for winter, when i mixed in some german expressions with my greek he commented that i still spoke german with a german accent and i asnwered with a forced swiss accent that yes, but meanwhile i speak greek with a swiss accent! (my friend is italian but we speak greek with each other - it all started with me being his greek teacher many years ago) we both burst out laughing and from that moment on we didnt stop laughing for the next four hours throughout coffee and dinner - it was as if we hadnt been separated one day. there were no explanations offered or demanded, no apologies, no looking back and although usually i need a lot of all that, last night nothing of it mattered except having my friend back.

time went by very quickly and i had to run for my train, but still missed it. so instead of waiting in the cold for another hour till my next connection, i went in one of the coffee shops at the station. got some tea and instead of going to sit on my own in a corner, i approached the only other person in the cafe, it was a young woman. i thought maybe the hour will go by nicer if we exchange some words! so i sat a seat further from her and said something like "hey *smile*, did you miss your train, too? i have to wait another hour now" the woman freaked out, grabbed her bag and left hastily. i didnt know what to think...

so instead i focused on how good my reunion felt, and grabbed a newspaper only to read that the author of "love story" had passed. remember the "love is to never have to say you're sorry"? that was the first time i truly understood that one. and that i suppose, love is like energy, it never goes to waste, it just changes form so if you want to love somebody, you will find the right way to do it. that clicked nicely with my recent effort to be friends with my ex.

ok so i take the train home and for no particular reason, i sit at a two-seater, not the four-seaters. this older guy comes to sit next to me while there are four seaters free. i recognised him immediately, this was a pig i had fought with back in november because he was harassing another woman who was waiting with me for the train. she had looked uncomfortable and helpless, and when i went to talk to her and pulled her to me, he got really pissed off at me for removing his vicitm out of his reach and had tried to push me around and be a bully. he didnt remember me and i dont think it's because i cut my hair short in the meantime. i got up and left immediately, i was disgusted at him sitting next to me never mention i didnt want to give him any chance to have a go at me in that two seater corner. realised also how much i ve changed while until my mid twenties i would have frozen into a helpless state like that woman back in november.

in any case, i got home late, safe and unharassed.

weird leg situation
by vsv, (http://vsv.shoe.org/)
my thigh gets numb very often lately, just the skin though. the last few days it also gives me a burning sensation. i wonder if some nerve is stuck between a vertebra or sth. i wonder should i try a massage first and see if it gets better or should i go directly to the doctor.

i wonder is it because i have no real problems my brain starts making up things to spice up my life.

instead, i stayed up searching flights, looking for deals, matching departure times... and it's done. yep, god willing i should be in juneau end of may and my mate will join me mid june. then early july we're heading back home together with a night stop in toronto and i'm continuing to greece after dumping my bags and packing a much lighter backpack. had i found the usual itinerary via new york instead, i would have made a point of taking double advantage of the tickets and visiting the city for a few days. but i'm quite pleased as it is, i found such a good deal on the flights that it saved me exactly the amount i needed for my greek island getaway

knock wood everything should go fine and i'll be good to go!!!

plan of action has been decided on: my sister has been persuaded that she has no business to spend summer criss crossing scandinavia by train (where does she get those absurd ideas?!) but instead a moral duty to spend some time doing nothing with her favourite and only sister. sugar is game too, so we're all set crew-wise. we have appointed july as our month of adventure and the island we decided on is practically primitive with hardly any roads, electricity or phone lines, too rough for the average tourist or too complicated to access as only little boats take you there from only a couple beaches in crete. so i am very glad to spend some time before it is "developed", with only a few other like minded camping bathers around. all i need is fresh water, shade and super potent sun cream, feed my belly ripe fruit from the driving-by grocer's-on-a-truck, my eyes with the endless blue (no wait... i can see africa from my tent!) my soul with blinding white light and my ears with the sounds of the waves and the laughter and chatter of the women i love. (although there is space reserved for just one more in my heart, and in my tent )

oder mit welchen gedanken ich den winter überwinde

frau nehme im juli:

badesachen, id karte, etwas geld

den billigflug nach athen

den flughafen expressbus nach hause

die beste freundin mit

den linienschiff nach lesbos

die schwester samt zeltenzubehör mit

den langsamen schiff nach kreta

ein boot zur einsamen insel

gekocht wird: mit minimalismus und viel freude, ab und zu singend

serviert wird: steinheiss mit reichlich kühlen retsina

vor dem genuss wird eine danksagung für die ruhe, das blau und das fehlen an deutsch, französisch, englisch, holländisch oder gott bewahr schwiiiitzer tüüüütch sprechende bzw gackernde individuen auf dem strandtuch nebenan, hinter mir und vor mir ausgesprochen

zum dessert: im meer gekühlten, mit ouzo angereicherte wassermelone

was supposed to drive to regensburg (Raincastle) in germany this morning with friends and return sunday afternoon. but the weather forecast for bavaria was bad and we decided to cancel it. was disappointing but then instead we went for a hike to regensberg (Rainmountain), which is a village on a hill with a medieval castle behind the village where i live (no snow storms over here)

anyhow the beginning of the year has been great except for that foot pain and the year ahead looks like that for now: almost three weeks off school in february (revision time), almost two weeks off for easter (also revision time) and....

i found out the other day that my exams are end of may not end of june. oops! that means minus four weeks to study. at the same time, it also means four more weeks of vacation!

in total, that gives me eleven weeks of summer freedom! 11 weeks people!!!! 11 weeks!!!!!!!!!!! i could travel the whole wide world in 11 weeks!!! lol! if i had the money, of course.

initially i had planned to go to my godparents and see them and my younger "godsister" and nephews and meet the new niece we're expecting in a couple weeks. there is hiking and fishing and lots of other things to do there, southeast alaska is stunning and there's plenty, i mean plenty! yummy things to stuff my face with (always there has to be good food wherever i go... big decision factor) also my darling flatmate/best friend/ex is coming along for a couple weeks and my family are eager to meet him so that will be a blast and possibly my oldest "godsister" will come home too while i'm there and that will be just fantastic!!

then again, i would really like to be in greece and explore some new greek island with sugar and/or my sis... you can hardly run out of greek islands to explore in a lifetime!! lol

put up our tent under trees by a quiet beach, squint my eyes at the afternoon sun, burn my toes on the hot sand, ah at last reach the cool water! swim swim swim swim swim and scream and play and swim swim swim and float on my back and then get out and read my german trashy lesbian novels while we stuff our faces with cooling watermelon and fragrant melons and ripe juicy peaches and firm nectarins and hot cheesepie and cold spinachpie, because swimming makes you hungry ;) stun at bright coloured sunsets, make a fire, take naked night dips, watch the stars, play stoned word games... always the first loser with those lol and then go to sleep, get up next day with 13 mosquito bites and do it all again, until we have enough of this sweet life.

i need to find a way (money) and arrange to do both... somehow... until then... revision... revision... revision...

i just realised today that i ve become cynical. wow. what have i come to. not necesserily a bad thing but not a good thing either.

sarcastic is one thing, i can tell myself, nah, no need to suppress it. sarcasm does not necessarily represent my emotions, it can be done just for the sake of it. but if my newly acquired cynical tendency turns into taking a cynical stance to life... not as horrible as i would find indifference, because it's still some kind of a reaction i think, (maybe some sort of active/conscious indifference)? but it would just suck, really!

been spending some time immobilised in bed. dont really want to read. can't concentrate, i m having a very "fertile" period in my brain these weeks. it demands no distractions, bombards me with memories at day and dreams at night.

so instead of taking my mind off it with a good book, i m listening to good music, singing along, listening again, feeling deeper, singing better.

thinking, remembering. i am glad to remember. there is so much stuff that, in a very well thought wish, would prefer had never happened. but happen they did and as long as things happen, i am glader to remember them than to forget them. tears are bitter. but the water of forgetting would be bitterer. i imagine it would offer me sweet bliss, leave me with some empty spots, maybe some sort of phantom pains, maybe put me at some kind of peace with the world - but it would withhold from me the resolution, the strength, the lessons of tears. and then that's the stuff that puts me at peace with myself.

i listen to the beautiful songs of my beloved composers and poets and i get lost in translating the images