-- Ρημαδομπλoγκ --

I have another six months with a lot of free time ahead of me and I would like to use it to catch up on books and movies.

So I have asked friends to recommend books and movies they think I would enjoy.

So far I got

Books
1. Miriam Toews "Summer Of My Amazing Luck" is about welfare Mom's living in a government housing project in Winnipeg. Her dialogue and outlook is hilarious.

2. Anita Brookner "Hotel Dulac" is a short read about an older woman counting up what her life has meant. Won the Booker for good reason.

3. Brothers Karamazov for the "onion analogy" if for nothing else.

4. Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs.

movies
If (1968)

I cannot stand whiners. Losers. Giveuppers. In fact, won'teventriers.

Those people who always have this miserable look about them, never smiling, or satisfied, not able to enjoy or appreciate. They find life shitty, nothing but shitty and they have to let everyone around them know just how shitty their miserable little life is.

They won't actually say it. They... perspire it. It is audible in their voice, legible in their walk. I cannot bear the stench off of their faces.

They attract drama into their life -well in fact, they do not wait until it comes to them, they would go after it even if they had to crawl. Sometimes they will even beg for it. That's what they do to entertain and, alas, distract themselves from this seemingly impossible practice of you know, living, day in and day out. Of course drama gives them so much more to whine about, more reasons to prove to themselves and everyone how bad they have it.

How they suffer. How they are done injustice. How god must have farted in their cot when they were babies. How nothing good ever comes to them, how people just use them, how their friends leave them, how their bosses don't appreciate all their hard work, how all the things they want don't just fly into their lap when they snip their fingers. Boo hoo.

You could give them happiness in a box, they would find something wrong about the box.

Why spend winter in Juneau, Alaska (AK)


My alaskan family
Spending early morning sipping rooibos tea with Mother in the sun room
The family "puppy"!
The family cat, aka "Queen of the Universe"
Warm, friendly, laid back people
"Alaska time" means no stress, but things still get done on time
Going to the movies or bowling with my little sister
Doing the laundry in the new washer/tumbler
Northern Lights (no brainer)
18 hours of darkness on average every day
Juneau Art Galleries
January Sales at Annie Kaill's artsy store
Any class at Rainforest Yoga downtown
Private lessons with Gretchen at Rainforest Yoga
Kundalini Meditation with Hari Dev at Taproot Yoga on Sunday mornings
Midday Meditation at Shambala Center downtown
Lunches at the Hangar watching waterplanes taking off and landing
Breakfast at Paradise Café opposite Marine Park
Sushi at Canton House
Local Highschool stage plays, starring little sister mentioned above
Local University festivals and events
Juneau Symphony concerts
Playing wii at the TV room
Skating on frozen Auke Lake
Walking to the Mendenhall Glacier and back.
Living inside a Rainforest, for god's sake.
Living inside the most northern Rainforest on the planet.
Walking into the divinely smelling Alaska Fudge Company on a windy icy afternoon.
Fresh, still warm slice of Divinity Fudge from Alaska Fudge Company.
Looking up the sky at 4 o clock in the afternoon to a flood of stars.
Again, the Northern Lights.
Going to bed at 9 and waking up at 4.
Snow storms and listening to the chimes in the garden going mad
No electricity due to snow storm
Ordering pizza and watching movies with the whole family spread comfortably into sofas and armchairs
Enjoying a fire in the finnish fireplace
Teaching the puppy not to pull while taking him on a walk on icy slippery road.
Smoked Salmon... clam chowder... oven baked halibut...

Well, why the hell not?

I ve been doing an 8 week fitness challenge.
today was the first day of week four.

It has been far more than just about fitness.

I have cut down dramatically on the amount of time i spent - no, WASTE - online. unimaginable but - yes - i spent time away from my laptop - why, I even go for walks in the forest without taking my mobile phone with me!!

I also say "NO" more often, express my feelings and my opinion loudly and steer clear of lots of unpleasant people without a guilty conscience.

Back to the fitness part now.

I've been working towards the goal of holding a 30 min light jog by the end of the 8 weeks. I need a new goal though as already managed to hold a jog for 30 mins by the end of the third week. Should I train towards a one hour jog (increase duration) or a half hour run (increase intensity)?

Today I went up a nearby hill for a short hike. I had spent most afternoon lying in the sun on my balcony. When I was going up, everyone else was coming down. I was on the top before it got dark, having all the beautiful sunset colours for myself.

When I came back home and started tidying up and emptying the extra room, for which we found a flatmate who he is moving in with us this week. As I was moving a bookshelf and its contents, an amazing thing happened, some folders slipped from my hands and there were my beginner's italian, french and german books all spilled on the floor.

my first thought was: I still have these?
second: why do I still have these?
third: I'll never need those beginner's books again!

fourth: O-M-G - those beginner's books look so basic to me now that I am advanced in those languages - biology and maths will look so basic to me when, in another ten years' time, I have my degree!

Yes, this beautiful moment when I spilled some beginner's books on the floor and realised how familiar and self explanatory the knowledge within them looks to me now, gave me two things:

firstly, a pile of books to bring to the second hand store
and
secondly, a whole new perspective on my current study subjects - by the grace of god and lots and lots of more all nighters studying, I shall one day look back with my practice licence on the wall and by some miracle think genetic code biology and random variables statistics sound so very basic.
(I know, i know... dream on, right?... but that's the same thing some people said when I wanted to be fluent in multiple foreign languages one day!)

And then I send some tears and went to sit zazen.

Bless you.

όλα βαίνουν καλώς.

-Your house looks so empty. Did you just move in?
-No, I like big uncluttered spaces.

-Vas, is that all the clothes you own?
-Of course not! I have two more outfits.

-Vas, will you teach me to cook like that?
-Like what? Vegan?
-No, like without making a mess.

On the day she earned her qualifications Mother gave her this flashing keyring that said TEACHER on it and she thought that must be her way of getting back at her for all those times she shouted "You're no Teacher! You teach me NOTHING" at her. As Irony has it, later her little sister would spit those same words and she would just smile and blink the keyring with a lifted eyebrow. At this unshakeable proof of Wisdom her little sister would let out a snort and show her polished middle finger in response. What a smart young woman she'll grow up to be, she thought.

i want a woman... revisited


i wrote this list initially back in august 2008.

when i "revisited" it early may, i wasnt even looking. and then i fell in love. i didnt mean to. it happened against my will, if you ll have it... i was holding back... then... suddenly she came a little too close, and i was doomed. so now spending wsome time away fromher, and that should take care of itself...

right now i guess i m not "looking actively", but i sure keep my eyes open...



i want a woman who...

is generous and not afraid to give too much.

a woman who says please, thank you, and knows that the reason for good manners is a pleasant cohabitation.

a woman who is thankful, first and foremost, for her mere existence.

a woman who can appreciate beauty in everything, and learns valuable lessons even from difficulties.

who loves to talk, listen and who has an honest, straightforward and kind style of communication.

a woman who thinks of love making more like the highlight of her day, rather than a chore, and has a high sex drive. a woman whose kisses increase my heartbeats and who can deliver a bite that leaves me prey to her intentions.

a woman who is well-read and informed, has a critical and open mind and enjoys exchange of ideas -preferably ideas she comes up with on her own.

a woman who is interested in and wants to be part of contemporary culture and loves the arts.

a woman who is involved, with humanitarian, intellectual or artistic interests or background and possibly an activist of some sort.

a woman who makes use of her immune system and isn't afraid of dirt, germs and the like but tends to the cleanliness of her own space nonetheless.

a woman who will take a trail that doesn't exist, and will get up to her knees in icy waters or crawl in mud just to get a better view of a waterfall.

a woman who takes risks, but does not put herself in danger.

a woman who takes care of herself and doesn't need mothering, but purrs at her lover's nurturing.

a woman who is not jealous or threatened by the other important people in her partner's life.

a woman who will wonder, doubt, question, argument, agree or disagree respectfully and constructively.

a woman who loves different tastes of food, appreciates and enjoys a meal cooked just for her or other small, loving gestures.

a woman who will jump gladly into a relaxing bath for two, candles and all and let me massage and pamper her for hours.

a woman who is not afraid in the dark, because she's holding my hand.

a woman who likes to hold hands.

a woman who might write me a poem or bring me flowers, because it's Tuesday.

a woman who knows who she is, what she wants, or is in a perpetual process of finding out, and is proud of herself but not arrogant.

a woman who is out, most importantly to herself.

a woman who knows how to live and let live and who can, when all else fails, let go and let god.

a woman who is honest, goal-oriented, disciplined, concentrated and has a common sense.

a woman I can admire and look up to.

a woman who lives mostly smoke, drug and alcohol free and leads a more or less healthy and active lifestyle.

a woman who reflects on her emotions, reactions, needs and wishes.

a woman who loves cats, of any size, or even better has a cat personality herself...

a woman who doesnt have bad-mannered dog(s). a woman who has well-mannered children, if any.

a woman who wants to see the world and is up for an adventure but also has a comfortable, functional, cosy and tastefully decorated home to return to, spend time alone, time for two or to entertain friends.

a woman who enjoys a playful exchange of sarcastic niceties.

a woman that will fascinate me and for whom I'll fall deeper over time.

a woman who is confident and reveals her true self from the beginning.

a woman whose smile brightens up my day and whose eyes I gladly and willingly get lost into. a woman whose arms are the safest and most comforting place in the world.

a woman who carries herself in an emancipated, sexy way and is more often than not on the androgenous or butchy side of the fence -a woman without a possessive, controlling or macho attitude.

a woman I will want to spend a long time with, a woman I would be happy and honoured to make a committment to.

a woman who will not fall low when it's over, someone I can consider a close friend when the romantic interest fades.

i love you because you take a moment to realise i'm teasing you, and that moment is hilarious

i love you because you are cute when you complain i don't have coffee

i love you because i bought some coffee for you even when that means i wont have your cute complaining

i love you because you ll never complain for not eating meat

i love you because the moment im in your arms i forget all about work and school and being dead tired

i love you because you rush to put fresh sheets on the bed while im taking a shower

i love you because i love to make love to you all night and get up with a grin and spring to my step

I LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MODERN AND JAZZ DANCE

i love you because we dance so amazingly well together

i love you because you are you

i love you because of your cute nose

i love you because you re cute as a meercat and at the same time sexy as a lioness

i love you because there is no reason not to.

i love you because i couldn't find any reason not to, and i m not even going to try.

i love you because you are so adorable

i love you because i love you

i love you because i try but i cannot find specific reasons, my heart has decided on its own to love you, sneakily, without consulting me, without giving me a choice...

i love you because every time i look at you, i see beauty for the first time

last week there was a lot of studying, except on friday when i did some housekeeping, went swimming and then two friends came over and we cooked a lovely meal and watched movies... was a good night. the weekend was a bit of a rollercoaster and I got my period, but ended ok...

this week it's all about studying and friday morning I got an exam then another exam next week and done till august. well, sort of, because I will be studying some more during the time off, I want to sit maths in january instead of june, to even out the extra workload I'll get from february on.

I'm supposed to take english next august but I want to take physics instead. I'm fed up with english, been having all my school life, while I've never had physics and I think this is a huge gap in my general education. Who cares what rhythm a poem is, anyway? Either you get it, or you don't.

Some weeks ago I was at a workshop and I met a sweet girl, and I meant to ask her for coffee or sth, only at the end of the day I was so tired that I simply said bye-bye to everyone and left.

Then only last week it hit me, that maybe I could still contact her through the school... so I explained to the reception lady and asked to forward a message from me, and now I've heard back from her :) cool, huh? But now the girl is going away for two weeks, and then I will be away for five weeks. LOL. So we'll meet in July during the week I will be home to do laundry, host a grill party and restock on sunscreen before I leave for Crete.

I'm more or less figuring out my daily plan for my vacation, I will be there two weeks just to be with my family and then my ex hub is joining us for three more weeks and we'll do a bit of sightseeing. Oh, and as soon as I'm done with exams I'm learning
[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q269XQuhnnI]this song[/url]

more cards than money in there i'll tell you!

-two debit cards from bank account and post account
-two supermarket loyalty cards
-library card
-newspaper subscription card (it gives you discount on some concerts, movies, cultural events and stuff)
-movie theatre discount card
-student card
-long term half price public transport card
-public transportation month card for the zones from my house to downtown (bought at half price)
-swimming pool card

-health care card
-emergency rescue card
-organ donor card

-a wet towelette

-customer card from the optician with the numbers of my shortsightedness printed on it
-customer cards from two different beauticians, a cosmetic shop, a shoe shop and a bead shop
-two customer cards from clothes shops i've only bought once from, years ago, which reminds me the card from the fair trade shop i actually do buy from never arrived, lol


money wise it's 190 francs in paper and close to 20 francs in coins (I'm feeling totally rich today!) PLUS 25 francs in supermarket vouchers, yay!

there is also a fine ticket for getting caught on the train without a valid card (my card had run out the day before and i thought it was still that date...bugger... the fine is 80 francs...)

and then on the tight pocket of my purse there are a few more "worthless" stuff:

a post-it from my psychotherapist from many years ago with a date for a session written on it.

a battered ten franc note that i found a couple months ago on the street and kept it as good luck

one old and one new cinema ticket from the first time i went to a movie with a friend that turned out precious in the course of time

my guitar teacher's bank details for paying the bill


what i just noticed is there is no formal identification in my purse. the health card would be the most formal of them but no proper ID card.

there are also no airline mile cards.

jeesh i'm trying to stuff all the cards back in and i can't close it now! but it closed before!?

ώρες δεν έχω να γεμίσω έχω σχολείο έχω και μαθήματα πέρα από αυτό και απέκτησα και κάποιες παρέες οπότε και το θέμα της μοναξιάς έχει λυθεί σε κάποιο βαθμό. το θέμα της μοναξιάς του να μην έχεις ένα γονιό να στραφείς προφανώς δεν θα λυθεί ποτέ.

να έχει απαίτηση να το κάνουμε; και τί είναι ο αλή πασάς στα γιάννενα με το χαρέμι; μα τί λες;; απαίτηση να το κάνουμε δεν υπήρχε ποτέ για αυτό και ο γάμος πέθανε πολύ πριν εγώ καταλάβω το λεσβιακό. αν υπήρχε το σεξ και αν ήταν ερωτευμένος δεν θα υπήρχε ποτέ ένα κενό στη σχέση πυ αποτέλεσε ουσιαστικά την αφορμή για να το καταλάβω. ξεκαθαρίζω όχι για να γίνω λεσβία. αλλά για να το καταλάβω. τώρα που πλέον του ξεκαθάρισα ότι τέλος πάπαλα και επιτέλους το καταλαβαίνει τώρα τσινάει. δλδ τόσα χρόνια που έλεγα τέλος πάπαλα δεν με έπαιρνε στα σοβαρά. τουλάχιστον μάζεψε τα ξερά του.

γενικά με ενοχλεί να μη με παίρνουν στα σοβαρά. πάρα πολύ. δεν ξέρω γιατί οι άνθρωποι όταν βλέπουν κάποιον γλυκό ή "ανοιχτό βιβλίο" θεωρούν ότι είναι αυτομάτως και άβουλος ή δεν ξέρει τί λέει. ή επειδή γενικά είαμι χαρούμενος ευχάριστος άνθρωπος και δεν γκρινιάζω και παραπονιέμαι για τη κάθε μαλακία ότι μάλλον δεν έχω ιδέα τί θα πει ζωή δεν έχω απαιτήσεις, επίπεδο κτλ.

δεν ξέρω πού θα είμαι σε λίγα χρόνια γιατί ένα σωρό πράγματα είναι αυτή τη στιγμή σε μεταβατικό στάδιο. αν θα μείνω έγκυος αν θα περάσω τις εξετάσεις κτλ. ο στόχος είναι να μπω πανεπιστήμιο, όμπβιουσλι, δεν κάθομαι να βγάζω τα μάτια μου στη βιολογία και στην άλγεβρα επειδή είμαι μαζόχα. αλλά σχέδια αλλάζουν και προσαρμόζονται ανάλογα με τις εξελίξεις. αν δεν μείνω έγκυος τότε του χρόνου είναι καιρός να μετακομίσω κα να τελειώσουμε τη συγκατοίκηση. μένουμε μέχρι τώρα καθαρά και μόνο για το μωρό που θέλουμε να κάνουμε. και αν αυτό το λάιφ πρότζεκτ δεν μας κάτσει πρέπει να πάρει ο καθένας το δρόμο του.

την ερώτηση για το αν έχω να δώσω στο μωρό την θεωρώ... χμ. μάλλον με έχεις πιάσει πάρα πολύ λάθος. κενή, φτερό στον άνεμο, χωρίς στόχους, και εκμεταλλεύομαι τον άντρα μου χωρίς να του κάθομαι... γουατέβα. δλδ να του κάτσω επειδή πληρώνει τους λογαριασμούς; ωραίο αυτό κάπου το χω ξανακούσει. α ναι, βρε, από τη μάνα μου. βέβαια η μάνα μου με έβγαζε ήδη από τα 12 στο κλαρί στον πατέρα μου αλλά προφανώς δεν ήταν καλή στις διαπραγματεύσεις, πάλι δεν είχε να τα βγάλει πέρα.

τεσπά τα υπόλοιπα μπορώ να δω από πού τα συμπεράνεις, για το κενή δεν κάνω το συνειρμό. πέρα από αυτό νομίζω έχεις κολλήσει σε μια εικόνα δική μου που έχεις σχηματίσει εδώ και χρόνια και πέρα από αυτό δεν βλέπεις μια πορεία που έχει γίνει στο μεταξύ. το κάνει και ο ρες. εκτός από μη άξια να με πάρει στα σοβαρά είμαι και αόρατη σαν άνθρωπος. αν τον ρωτήσεις ποια είανι τα ενδιαφέροντά μου μάλλον θα σου πει μαγειρική και σιδέρωμα. είναι τραγικό αυτός ο άνθρωπος ο "άντρας" μου ότι δεν ξέρει ποια είμαι. τί ταινίες βλέπω ποιο είναι το αγαπημένο μου φαί αν έχω ταλέντα.

έχεις πει δυο τρεις φορές ότι δεν είμαι έτοιμη για μωρό. δλδ τί θα έπρεπε να έχω για να με θεωρήσεις άξια να κάνω μωρό; δυο καλούς γονείς που μου έδωσαν πολλλλή αγάπη και προσοχή; (δεν παίζει) πιο συμβατικές αξίες; (δεν παίζει) πιο προσγειωμένα όνειρα; (να το παίξω καλή νοικοκυρά για να είμαι ον δε σέηφ σάιντ ας πούμε; ΔΕΝ ΠΑΙΖΕΙ) μπλε μαλλιά; (παίζει) αρ γιου κίντινγκ μι; έχεις δει γύρω σου τι γονείς κυκλοφορούν; που τσιρίζουν που δέρνουν που ταπεινώνουν που λένε ψέματα που κόβουν φτερά που αδιαφορούν. που κάνουν παιδιά επειδή έτσι είθιστε. πού ακριβώς μπορείς να με συγκρίνεις με κάτι τέτοιο;

μια φίλη μας 40αρα με 11χρονο γιο μου εξηγούσε τις προάλλες πόσο δύσκολο είανι να έχεις νεογέννητο και πως θα πρέπει να μετακομίσουμε σε εισόγειο μόλις μείνω έγκυος πού να ανεβαίνεις σκαλιά με μωρό και ψώνια... και ότι θα πρέπει να βάλουμε σύρμα στο μπαλκόνι γιατί σκαρφαλώνουν πριν περπατήσουν... κτλ. την κοίταγα. όταν αποτελείωσε τη διάλεξη τη ρώτησα πόσα παιδιά έχεις μεγαλώσει; ένα. με δουλεύεις; γέλασα. εγώ μεγάλωσα τρία αδέρφια κι άλλα τέσσερα ως νάννυ. και θεωρείς ότι από σένα θα μάθω πρώτη φορά ότι τα μωρά σκαρφαλώνουν επειδή έβγαλες ΕΝΑ από το μ""" σου; δεν ήταν attack της το είπα πολύ ήρεμα.. νομίζω ήταν λίγο δύσκολο να καταπιεί ότι μπορεί να της το πει αυτό κάποια δέκα χρόνια νεότερη αλλά το κατάλαβε. την εμπειρία που απέκτησε στα 29 ναι οκ πέραν της γέννας φυσικά, την ξέρω από τα 5 μου. μπιμπερά ππάνες κρέμες ρεψίματα μπάνια άντε κοιμήσου επιτέλους. στα 16 μου δεν μεγάλωνα ένα παιδί αλλά τρία. 10, 6 και 2 ετών. με τη διαφορά ότι τώρα, έχω το κατά δύναμη αποκλείσει την πιθανότητα να μού ρθουν απ το σχολείο και να μη φτάνει το φαί για τα τρία και να δέρνονται ή να μούρθουν με παπουτσια που έχει φύγει η σόλα και να μην έχουν άλλα ή να μη έχει ζεστό νερό να τα κάνω μπάνιο ή να μη σταμτά το φίσκα λεοφορείο στο σχολείο μου και να αργώ να πάρω το μωρό απτον παιδικό και να τρώω κατσάδα γιατί η νηπιαγωγός προφανώς κάππου πρέπει αν βγάλει κι αυτή την απογοήτευση από της ζωή της και μια κουρασμένη 16χρονη στα πρόθυρα νευρικής κρίσης είανι τέλειο στόχος.

πού ήταν οι κοινωνικοί λειτουργοί, οι δάσκαλοι, οι γειτονες, οι θείοι, οι, οι, οι...

ποιο φιλότιμο μωρές και ποια ανθρωπιά του έλληνα και πούτσες κοτλέ. απόπού τα βγάζουν αυτά τα παραμυθάκια ήθελα νά ξερα. πάντα σκατόψυχος ήταν ο έλλην. σκατόψυχος δειλός ευατούλης... ας έρθει κάποιος να με διαψεύσει.

σιχτίρι, πού τα θυμήθηκα και πού σαι ακόμα.


εκτός αυτού το παιδί δεν παίρνει μόνο, δίνει κιόλας, και όταν το θες πολύ εικάζω πως σου δίνει πολλαπλάσια απόσα σου παίρνει.

μέχρι τότε thank god for cats.

social

you are taking a leisurely walk by the river and the teenagers who are making out under the bridge straighten up as you approach

physical

you can no longer reach the knob to open the balcony door with your foot while holding drinks

mental

you shrug at yourself even at the thought of asking a 23-year old on a date (when did i develop pedophile tendencies?!)


you can prolly beat social with some trendy clothes and a funky haircut.

you can certainly beat physical with the proper strengthening, stretching and balance exercises.


how do you beat the mental?

not that i m currently interested in a 23 year old, not at all. but how do you beat it? and mostly, do you want to beat it at all?

i know it is age discrimination and prejudice but still i'm not sure i'd want to beat it...

is it a sign simply of aging or a sign of maturity? a sign of self reflection? knowing of self? or just age discrimination, prejudice, placing yourself int he position where you think society expects you or wants you to be.

these negative people, sucking the life out of me... energy vampires... i decided to kill them!

kill the vampire!

burn the vampire!

burn it and dance barefoot on the coal singing to rejoice my freedom.

kill the vampire!

απόταν άρχισα να ψάχνομαι με το ζεν και το διαλογισμό, και κιθάρα και τραγούδι νιώθω το κάτι άλλο. ξαναγεννημένος άνθρωπος. είμαι συνεχώς ευτυχισμένη, με αναλαμπές ακόμα πιο έντονης ευτυχίας. το τραγούδι και ο διαλογισμός για μένα είναι σχεδόν το ίδιο πράγμα, δυο πλευρές του ίδου νομίσματος.

και στα δύο το βασικό χαρακτηριστικό είναι η αναπνοή. τόσο τόσο βασική και τόσο αγνοημένη η αξία της, τόσο δεδομένη την παίρνουμε. κι όμως η αναπνοή είναι η ζωή μας, όσο αναπνέουμε ζούμε... και στην τελική όταν φτάσεις να καταλάβεις να αγαπήσεις να εκτιμήσεις τον άερα που αναπνέεις τότε ξέρεις ότι έως και την τελευταία σου πνοή θα είσαι ικανοποιημένος, ευτυχισμένος άνθρωπος και θα περάσεις το κατώφλι χωρίς φόβο, χωρίς να μετανιώσεις.

στο τραγούδι τα δίνεις όλα και τα βγάζεις από μέσα σου. καλά είμαι εντελώς φάλτσα αλλά χέστηκα. καμιά φορά πιάνω όμως κάτι σωστά και παθαίνω ΤΙΛΤ. ένα ΩΠΑ! τώρα από πού βγήκε αυτό;!!! πώς είναι τα μικρά σκυλάκια όταν ρίχνουν μια κλανίτσα και δεν ξέρουν τί ήταν αυτό και τινάζονται να δουν ποιος ήρθε; ΑΥΤΟ!!!

στο διαλογισμό κάθεσαι απόλυτα ήσυχος και ακίνητος, και από το πουθενά σου έρχεται η αναλαμπή, το αχα μόμεντ. και δεν ξέρεις τί σε χτύπησε. με την καλή έννοια. συγχαρητήρια, μόλις ήρθες ένα βήμα πιο κοντά στον εαυτό σου.

το όχημα μεταφοράς είναι και στα δύο η αναπνοή, και στα δύο γνωρίζεις τον εαυτό σου. καταλαβαίνεις πως το μόνο όριό σου είναι το μυαλό σου, ενώ η καρδιά σου έχει ποτέντσιαλ equals άπειρο...

δεν χρειάζεται πια να "πιστεύεις" στο θεό... γιατί τον ξέρεις. και τον κοιτάς στον καθρεύτη κάθε μέρα.

σε μια βδομάδα έχω εξετάσεις και μετά πάω αλάσκα. προς το παρόν παίρνω πίπα-κώλο βιολογία γυμνασίου αλλά τι να πεις, μια ανάσα δρόμος ακόμα, μετά διακοπές. χλωροπλάστες, αλβιόλαε, ληχήνες, οικοσυστήματα, υπερλίπανση, η ενέργεια που ποτέ δε χάνεται παρά μόνο αλλάζει μορφή και οι επιπτώσεις των πράξεών μας δέκα επεισόδια μετά.


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εκτός αυτού η ζυρίχη είναι πανέμορφη. κάθε φορά που παίρνω το τρένο να κατέβω κέντρο περνάμε μέσα από χρυσαφένια λιβάδια με λουλούδια κανόλα και καταπράσινο δάσος. και σκέφτομαι: θεε μου, ζω στον παράδεισο.
στην πόλη κοιτάω κόσμο να περπατάει με ελαφρύ βήμα
ηλιόλουστες μέρες
διαλλείματα βροχής που κάνουν τη μεταξωτή πουκαμίσα μούσκεμα σε δευτερόλεπτα και λες, χάθηκε να βάλω ένα μπεζ σουτιέν που βγήκα με το άσπρο;
το καλοκαίρι που έρχεται τα *badi που ανοίγουν το επόμενο σκ
*μέρη πρόσβασης στο ποτάμι ή στη λίμνη με ντους κτλ
τα κούτσικα σινεφίλ σινεμαδάκια που θα ερημώσουν για να πάρουν τη θέση τους τα θερινά στους λόφους και σε πλατείες.
οι δημοτικές βιβλιοθήκες μας που μπορείς να δανειστείς ό,τι βιβλίο ή ταινία γουστάρεις κι αν δεν την έχουν τη ζητάς και την προσθέτουν στη συλλογή.

ανακαλύπτω με καινούριες φίλες καινούρια καφενεδάκια σε ανακαινισμένα σοκάκια
(ναι μαλάκα όλη η παλιά πόλη της ζυρίχης είναι σοκάκι-καλντερίμι)
ανεβαίνω στο λοφάκι με τις καστανιές για να κάνω εξάσκηση κιθάρα με την πόλη της ζυρίχης πιάτο στα πόδια μου.
την πόλη ΜΟΥ μου μου,

και μετά να γυρνάω αργά σπίτι τραγουδώντας να τρώω το καλό μου φαγάκι να κάνω το διαλογισμό μουνα συγυρίζω τα ρουχαλάκια μου να βλεπω και κανα ταινιάκι και να αποκοιμιέμαι με τον γάτο μου αγκαλιά, κολλημένο στο μαξιλάρι μου, τις γάτες στα πόδια μου και να λέω θέε μου σε ευχαριστώ, σε ευχαριστώ, σε ευχαριστώ, κι αν είναι να μην ξυπνήσω, το τόσο μου έφτασε.

και να ξυπνάω το πρωί και να τα κάνω όλα πάλι με την ίδια λαχτάρα προσοχή εκτίμηση και απόλαυση να ρουφάω τη κάθε στιγμή να αγκαλιάζω αυτούς που αγαπάω και να τους λέω, τί καλά που υπάρχεις! πόσο ομορφαίνεις τη ζωή μου! να σκέφτομαι τί και πώς γιατί ό,τι κάνω, ότι σκέφτομαι και νιώθω έχει αντίκτυπο σε μένα και στους γύρω μου. να προσπαθώ το καλύτερό μου να είμαι ευτυχισμένη και να κάνω και τους γύρω μου ευτυχισμένους. να κοιτάω ό,τι κάνω με κάνει ευτυχισμένη να μην υπάρχουν αγγαρίες όλα να είναι επιλογή μου συνειδητή να είμαι ελευθερη. κι ειλικρινής.
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έκανα μια καινούρια φίλη. φίλη φίλη όμως, όχι από αυτές που σε θέλουν μια φορά το μήνα όταν δεν έχουν τίποτα καλύτερο να κάνουν. έχω ελαχιστοποιήσει τα πράγματα στα οποία δίνω το χρόνο μου, τα σκουπίδια όξω απ-την παράγκα. και σκουπίδια σημαίνει οτιδήποτε μόνο "κλέβει" το χρόνο την ενέργεια τη διάθεσή μου... (και δεν μου δίνει τίποτα)

από άσκοπες ασχολίες, ατέλειωτες ώρες στον ιντερνέτ, πράγματα που δεν χρειάζονται να γίνουν τέλεια, παρά απλά να γίνουν, και ακόμα και... ανθρώπους. ανθρωπους που ρουφάνε τη ζωή από μέσα σου και μόνο που βρίσκονται στον ίδιο χώρο... κιλλ δι βάμπαιρ. κιλλ, κιλλ, κιλλ! κιλλ σου λέω κάντον αναλαμπάδιασμα και μη κοιτάς πίσω.

ξέρεις κάτι, βαρέθηκα να τους κηνηγάω για να διατηρήσω μια φιλία. επίσης έχω σιχαθεί τον αρνητισμό. δεν μιλάω για όταν έχεις προβλήματα και στεναχώριες και φυσικά θα τα πεις να ξεσκάσεις και να βγάλεις άκρη. αλλά έχω αναπτύξει ζίρο τόλερανς για όλα τα μαλακισμένα *και εδώ μπορεί να είναι από δεκάξι έως... νο λίμιτ. αυτά τα μαλακισμένα που λες και ζούνε για να γκρινιάξουνε. λες και αν δεν βρούνε κάτι να παραπονεθούν θα χάσουν την αξία τους. και αν δείξουν ευχαριστημένοι με κάτι που δεν είναι τέλειο από όλες τις απόψεις, θα θεωρηθούν οι γύφτουλες που δεν καταλαβαίνουν ότι κάτι είναι ατελές. ποτέ δεν θα είναι ευχαριστημένοι από τον εαυτό τους γιατί ποτέ δεν θα γίνουν τέλειοι... και έχουν τις ίδιες προσδοκίες και από τους γύρω τους.

τέτοιοι άνθρωποι γιοκ. έκοψα το μαλάκα μισογύνη φίλο που απλά προσπαθεί να βρει τρόπο να με πηδήξει, έκοψα μια μαλακισμένη η οποία έχει μόνη και μόνιμη καραμέλα πόσο πολύ δουλεύει, και επίσης σταμάτησα να παίρνω τηλέφωνα να βρεθούμε δυο άλλες. αν θέλουν ας με πάρουν αυτές αλλά έχω χάσει και τη διάθεση όταν ρωτάω πώς είσαι να παίρνω πάντα, μα πάντα ένα βαριεστημένο, κλαψομούνικο cum υποβόσκον touch ηρωίδας μάνας γυναίκας εργαζόμενης νοικοκυράς "ε... πώς να είμαι... όχι και τόσο καλά"

υπάρχουν αυτή τη στιγμή δυο άνθρωποι που βγαίνω και έχουμε τα ίδια μυαλά, στιλ σπιρίτσουαλ, διαλογισμός, θετική σκέψη κτλ. μαζί με το ρες και κάτι άλλους φίλους φτάνουν και περισσεύουν για κοινωνική ζωή. ποιότητα όχι ποσότητα. επίσης #άσχετο, πήραμε γκριλ και κάνουμε μπάρμπεκιου με φίλους... επίσης #άλλο άσχετο, πήρα προαγωγή σε φουλ βήγκαν. δλδ εγώ ψήνω σουβλάκι λαχανικών δίπλα στις μπριζόλες των αλλονών. νο κρέας νο ψάρι νο τυρί νο γάλα νο γιαούρτι *μπλεχ και ίουκ μάνα μου... νο αυγά... πρέπει να πω ότι μετά από κανα μήνα χωρίς γαλακτοκομικά έτυχε και ήπια ένα ποτήρι γάλα και... έπαθα κολικούς. παίζει να είχα δυσανεξία στη λακτόζη και δεν το ήξερα καν. βλέπω ντοκιμαντέρ τύπου supersize me και Food Inc. για να κάνω αυτόπλυση εγκεφάλου. έχω κόψει μαχαίρι γλυκά και τζανκ τύπου τηγανητές πατάτες από τα μακντόναλτς. φακή ή φασόλι κάθε μέρα για πρωτείνη... σπιρουλίνα για σίδηρο και Β12, μια πολυβιταμίνη με φολικό οξύ και ασβέστιο.

αυτά, καλά να περνάτε. μάκια σας

there come these moments in life... when you are fully there and only there with all you got.

a participant as much as an observer. sucked in the moment you watch it unfold before you and it's caught in your mind forever. in that moment there is no time, no tomorrow nor yesterday, no thoughts no worries no longing no sorrows. no memory, no consciousness nothing beyond this moment. these are my moments of pure, solid happiness, th emoments i "forget myself".

this afternoon a friend and i we were having coffee by the river.
it had been sunny and now rain clouds were approaching from the distance.
it was perfect temperature, warm and cool, perfect light, enough to see all the different colours of the sky, the river, the distance, the people without blinding sun smudging the edge of things, a sharp balance of colour and form.
i sighed out: ah, this is my perfect weather.
the two young girls sitting behind us on the river bank got up to greet their friend who just arrived on his bike.
i could smell my suncream on my skin and my friend's citrusy perfume, i could hear the river splashing down over the damm behind us and my friend who'd been picking on my guitar was wondering aloud whether quantanamero is in minor or major.
the group of students in wide trousers that had just occupied the bench-style table opposite us lit up cigarettes -not hand rolled to my surprise.
a girl in a denim skirt walked leisurely by, turning to call lovingly (although pretending to be strict) on her little chihuaua, who stood to sniffle at tree, to hurry up.
a guy in tank top and shorts run by with amazing spring on his legs. three more guys followed revealing the four of them as a running group.
another guy with whooping long blonde dreads rode by on his bike in slow motion as the turkish waiter collected my empty coffee cup from our red tin table.

...............

a little later we got up and headed to the station through the park. there was a little fork way and i started shouting *"which way to the station?! which way to the station!? it's me, gloria! i left the keys on the table, next to the fruit!" we went two steps in one direction and two in the other again and again till we decided to take the left path. had we chosen the other one we would have missed a breeze from our right that blew a rain of pollen from the chestnut trees on us and we bravely walked through it with open arms screeching at how beautiful this was!

--------
today was pure happiness, to the last drop.

*famous scene from roberto benigni's little devil.

Today is the day i decided to quit sugar. The plan is to stick to that for the next three months, afterwards I'll probably decide it is ok to eat the occasional sweets like at birthdays and such. Hey, I want to eat my cake on my birthday :) then again, maybe I won't. no idea.

almost a year ago, end of may 2009, i quit smoking. i got up that day and i said: from today i am a non-smoker. and since that day i haven't smoked and i never, ever want to smoke cigarettes again. quitting smoking was a quite easy task, sugar shouldn't be a problem, either.

---i craved jam for breakfast, and i craved sugar over my strawberries, but it really is not that bad, things taste fine without sugar, too. i am totally sure that sugar is an addictive, at least for me it is. i rarely drink coffee anyway but from now on i shall drink it without sugar. also all kinds of sweets and cakes and sugary things are out at least until august...---


vegan diet is going pretty well, too, i'm not too harsh with myself. there is still some meat and some fish in the freezer which need to be used up soon, and there are still a couple sachets of ready soup in the pantry that contain milk powder. there is yogurts and cheese in the fridge which my flatmate eats, he eats the yogurts in between meals and he grates cheese over almost every vegan meal i make... the target is that after a while he will get used to the fridge and the pantry having only vegan stuff while he can still eat his meat and cheese outside the flat...

today we had a bean curry over risotto for lunch, and pasta with asparagus for dinner. both very yummy.

No idea where I had first read this and copied it, but I stumbled over it again today.
------------

A TASTE OF WISDOM

An aging master grew tired of his apprentice complaining, and so, one morning, sent him for some salt. When the apprentice returned, the master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful of salt in a glass of water and then to drink it.
"How does it taste?" the master asked.
"Bitter," spit the apprentice.

The master chuckled and then asked the young man to take the same handful of salt and put it in the lake. The two walked in silence to the nearby lake, and once the apprentice swirled his handful of salt in the water, the old man said, "Now drink from the lake."
As the water dripped down the young man's chin, the master asked, "How does it taste?"
"Fresh," remarked the apprentice.
"Do you taste the salt?" asked the master.
"No," said the young man.
At this, the master sat beside this serious young man who so reminded him of himself and took his hands, offering:

"The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains the exactly the same. However, the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in. So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to enlarge your sense of things . . . Stop being a glass. Become a lake."
----------------

three and a half years later, i can understand this much better.

"The only way you can understand the real meaning and purpose of love is to be willing to pay the price. You have to go out there and risk sharing it. "

from "Chicken Soup for the Soul"

sagen wir mal

selbstliebe statt egoismus

schon viel besser, oder??

originally posted 22 january 2007

on standing and falling

originally posted on vsv.shoe.org on december 24th 2007 while in juneau, alaska

I think we sometimes try so hard not to fall that it would be much easier to let go and fall and just get right up again. i dont know what it is that we fear so much about falling but it aint that bad really. the fear is bigger than the actual pain.

PS. i was out with The Dog today. it was icy and slippery and I got a little braver and a little wiser because I lost my balance and I tried so hard not to fall, and then it dawned on me that I better just fall than hurt myself trying not to. and you know what I let myself fall and just got right back up again and it was no big deal and it was actually kinda fun. oh, and The Dog loved it, too.

running out of whatevers...

but still running!

originally posted december 23 2007 while in juneau, alaska

originally posted 26th December 07 in Juneau, Alaska

changing nature

-why have I come to be afraid of water all of a sudden?
-cos you ve become fire. spiting fire...

I wish I knew a magic spell to make you see how worthy you are of your own compassion and self love for the times you needed it most and for everyday.

You know, just because you have been naive, or soft, or vunerable, does not mean they had the right to go ahead and use you. You wouldn't hurt someone just because you could, would you?!

The way I answer to my critical self when thoughts like these arrive is "I still had lessons to learn" So, it wasn't your fault either, you weren't in a position to protect yourself yet! You still had things to learn.

Kick out the self judging to make space for the lessons.

And concentrate on now: These times are gone and things have already happened. The question is, what can you get out of it? How will you protect yourself next time? Trust your intution? Put yourself first? Learn to say no, draw the line, make yourself heard, remove yourself at the first signs of an unpleasant situation? (for me a great help was to take a wen-do class)

I only know how I came to forgive and love myself, which took a long time and was painful, but I can tell you, since that click happened I have not let people treat me badly or use my friendship, in fact I have removed several people from my life who I felt were either sucking the life out of me or simply were no enrichment at all. I did it without guilt - my resources and my time are not only finite but also very valuable to me.

How about your time and resources?

Every time you do not put up with situations and people, what you do in fact is to give a mental shout to yourself: I love you! And I am here to protect you.

I know from my own experience that I can "change the past" by changing the way I see it in the present. And seing pain and "mistakes" or "failures" as opportunities to learn and grow has been the turning point for me.

Also, maybe an idea is to try out reiki or some other form of healing energy and see if that is a method that agrees with you. Then you or an energy therapist can send this healing energy to yourself in the past, as a child, or as an adult in abusive relationships. I know this sounds like a heap of bogus to a lot of people and that's fine - whether is it a healing energy itself or a placebo effect, with me it has worked, and that's what matters. Abuse hardly enters my thoughts nowadays.

You take the responsibility for yourself, but you leave the judgement.

So, that is what I could come up with for today.
Have a blessed night

i was in the shower yesterday and i was thinking, or rather feeling.

is it not unfair, that women have the gift of loving their child, that has come out of them.

this all conquering love that can transform a woman into a lioness, a wolf mother... i know when one day i have my child and somebody tries to hurt it... they are dead meat. shredded dead meat. i shall grow claws and fangs and rip them apart without further thoughts...

which gift do men have in this case?

and then it hit me.

they have the gift of loving their child just as deeply, that (even if) has not come out them.

as for the actual chicken and egg question, i can't be bothered. I am vegan!

it's been a year now that i decided to make my life lighter. i started with my home and my belongings and have eliminated a lot of "garbage" mostly by detecting false needs... this has been going well.

then i started to eliminate garbage in form of thoughts and feelings, my online itneractions.

then activities, obligations, more false needs and things that wasted my time and energy.

now it is time to move on to people in my life.

i have been thinking about eliminating some *friends* who just don't feel good. one friend sucks the life out of me with his neediness, another exhausts me with his misogyny, even if it is subconscious... i think i will simply keep myself away from them, avoid seeing them and such. i ve been keeping a gossiping control freak out of my life for several months now and i successfully "deleted" an ex a few weeks ago.

my criterium for knowing who i need to chuck out is how i feel when im having an exchange with them, as well as when i'm not.

sometimes i get an unpleasant feeling, as if the person is jealous of me in a way and doesn't really wish me well, or trying to control me, or feels free to "correct" something about me when i haven't given that permission... with the people i feel good with, these corrections are most welcome and appreciated. with the others, they feel like annoying intrusions/invasions to my personality... maybe because they come from a need to prove themselves as better, than from interest for my improvement and development.

sometimes communication is simply odd, i'm not sure the person is listening, by a seemingly odd response, or they listen but their social skills are somehow... not on the same wavelength as mine. for example when i say "i got this such and such diagnosis from the doctor and now i have to take this pill and do so and so" and the person just ignores what i said, instead of offering a simple "oh, i'm sorry darling, hope you're not in pain" something simple that shows, i aknowledge what you say, and i feel with you.

or when i have a friend who will only talk about themselves and their problems for two hours straight, every time i see them, without as much as "hey, and what have you been up to?" i totally understand that a friend can be like that at times, and that's ok, but if they are like that all the time, then they need probably a psychologist for it and not a friend.

the opposite can also feel weird. when someone only wants to hear about you, but they never share anything about themselves. when you ask them something they give you a vague or general answer and turn the focus back to you.

or people that are constantly "pill-happy". i don't know what else to name this condition, and I know i am a very joyful person myself, with good amounts of energy. it's just that there are people whose happiness doesnt feel so genuine to me, or it feels kinda "pushed", as if they are making themselves "sound" and "show" happy rather than be happy. it can get very tiring, too.

and then i also realise i don't want some people as friends, because when they are away on vacation or they haven't called in a while i don't miss them at all, they hardly come up in my thoughts in fact. and it gets even worse because when they do call, i might even get an irritated feeling like "oh, it's you... i don't feel like speaking to you now" or... "oh, you... i had forgotten you exist..." but of course saying something like this would be very rude and hurtful...

i wonder do i need to tell these people why i do not wish contact any more? the thing is, i have sort of tried in a nice way but it didn't work. the message didn't get across, and when i was more direct about it, they got cross. i don't particularly mind what they think of me "know-better-bitch?" but harsh concepts/criticism to one's person and behaviour can hurt... even if they are put in neutral words. especially when I know that this person has some problems with themselves, like not feeling as good as everybody else, then it sort of puts a greater responsibility on me to be even kinder with them?

but then again, if i want to treat all people as equal, why should i make exceptions for them? maybe it is time for them to simply grow up? and maybe it has nothing to do with them at all, and it is about me?

i think feeling inferior or feeling superior are two sides of the same coin: you feel somehow different than the rest of the world. it is a failure to aknowledge that you are just like everybody else, and you could be anyone else. and if i treat people differently, i will reinforce this belief in them.

all this elimination of garbage has made a lot of space for many new, good, happy things. good luck, love, happiness, contentness, wonderful new people and many many lessons and moments of insight have been coming to me. i think they have been coming because i have been inviting them to do so, and trying to keep my eyes, my ears my heart open for them.

my phone rang a while ago and it was a woman who said initially she was from my mobile phone company, and then turned out she was from some other company and trying to persuade me to change to that one. first she stated that "right now you have the connection for 8 cents a minute" without naming the monthly plan, so it was obvious that she doen't have my customer details and she is not from that mobile company... I answered my honest "i don't know" - I compare prices at the beginning, make my choice and then these details are wiped out of my mind.

then i asked like always with such phonecalls, where she had my number from ("from our list") and then what list that would be. she answered loudly and in an agressive tone "do you want to question me or do you want to start calling for cheaper from next month?!"

i said: "no, like this you won't get far with me. have a good day" and i hung up. I have done similarly the last times i received such a commercial call and certainly the number of these calls has been diminishing.

well, I have one thing to say: thank you Wen Do (this is a self defense system for women that teaches you foremostly to empower yourself).

yes, hopefully I will never have to defend myself physically, but I learned to say no and remove myself from all kinds of unpleasant situations without feeling guilty or helpless, be it annoying phone calls, gossiping neighbours, "friends" who are sucking the life out of me...

today while i was sitting, my heart broke open and i was filled with love. jesus christ superstar, i wouldnt know words to describe how intense but also how natural that felt. within seconds i was shedding silent tears until i calmed down and went back to counting my breaths. and then it just happened a second time! i had been doing this heart-opening gesture for a few weeks now so maybe i was just inviting this to happen, and i knew this is something i need to do right about now... after my heart-opening, I still had maybe another 20 mins until my timer would go off... although i must admit i was really tempted to get up already because i thought, well, after these two experiences, what else can i get out of this sitting? it would be almost greedy to continue, and i can spare myself the numbness of the legs. but dilligent as i try to be i continued and well, i was "rewarded" again, and after a while i felt like i was expanding or maybe melting into my room.

yesterday i originally had my guitar lesson and then my singing class. my singing class was cancelled so i spontaneously went to dinner with a friend instead. on my way to meet her i was so happy. i had had a great guitar lesson and it was so sunny and warm and everything was happy and full of contentness.

i was humming away amazing grace as i walked the streets and took the tram to our meeting point. some people were giving me strange looks and i suppose it was because i was singing and not because of my undone hair. i realised that obviously nowadays it is seen as normal to hum and head bang away to your ipod or mp3 player, or if you sing or perform for coins on the street or even if you talk to an invisible headphone in your ear... but someone who is simply happy and is enjoying this amazing sunny afternoon turning into a balmy summer announcing night, is considered rather weird and given weird looks. well you didn't think i would let the looks bother me, did you, i continued my singing and my smiling, trying to give the people feelings that this is ok, no need to feel uncomfortable. then the situation got better and only then did i notice this boy, around 8 or 9, who was right in front of me and looking at me and listening to my song and smiling at me. and then i smiled back and sang just for him and knew my song had been worth it all the way - and the evening with my friend was beyond lovely, too

“Why can't we get all the people in the world that we really like together and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.” charles schulz as snoopy

i had such a beautiful day turned night... thank you!

and it is wonderful sitting with a new friend, even if you sit different styles!

as a highlight, the veg kebabs were as delicious as they looked gorgeous!

today after my guitar lesson - btw i m developing some great callous skin on my right thumb from strumming barethumb instead of holding the plektrum!-

so yes, after my guitar lesson, i stopped to get my usual pretzel, only today instead of saying i wanted the pumpkin seed pretzel i asked for the sunseeds pretzel. just a verbal mistake there but i must have asked for it with loud enthusiasm and longing expectation, i was hungry after all and this is a favourite treat for me. as i m getting my pretzel i hear the next person who was standing right behind me ask for the same kind of pretzel with a descernible enthusiasm in his voice and then the next one after him, and then someone who had come after i had ordered my pretzel also asked for the same, probably influenced by the second guy after me.

now there was the law of three happening right there in front of me. and funny how proof comes in front of your eyes when you have long stopped looking or needing it...

yep. i'm feeling so good lately, it's amazing.

of course, i have no problems like "other people" do. i am extra lucky. i dont have to worry about food, clothes, shelter, bills, catching the train on time, or any health problems now or in the future. obviously, not only am i extra lucky but my luck and happiness came with a lifetime guarantee! besides myself, i never have to worry about any of my friends, or my family, whether they are healthy, happy, or have all they need. nothing clouds the blue skies of my days.

now if only i could get all the people who are richer, healthier, sexier, smarter and more successful than me, and even those who are and/or have less than me, to quit their moaning about every little or big thing and simply enjoy their life just as much! then feelings of jealousy or inadequacy upon seeing other people happy would subside, too.

because when i cherish the air i breathe, i "grant" everybody else the right to be happy, lucky, whole...

13. Get Your Personal Needs Met, Once and for All. If you have unmet needs, you’ll attract others in the same position.

15. Tolerate Nothing. When you put up with something, it costs you; unnecessary costs are unattractive.

16. Show Others How to Please You. Don’t make them guess.

17. Endorse Your Worst Weakness. When you can accept and honor the worst part of yourself, you’re more accepting of others.

18. Sensitize Yourself. The more you feel, the more you’ll notice and respond to the many opportunities in the present.

i found vegan nutella. there goes the myth of a healthy diet ;-))

i guess i should give up sugar, eventually.

i had to ask myself this morning, i think this came up in my sleep, when i make a mistake, and i know the moment i am doing it, that is it a mistake, is it still a mistake? because last week was full of mistakes or false decisions and damn some of them i knew i would regret. but then funnily i didn't because when i was making them, it was my decision to do so, so they weren't mistakes, they were choices. is something a mistake only when we regret it? and what when we anyway learn something from it? are there any mistakes we don't learn anything from? in that case, are there mistakes at all?

got a busy day ahead and haven't slept much, i woke up right on time at one minute before four o clock. yay for me, i' ve been trying to condition myself to wake up that time. the tricky thing is to get to bed early enough, let's say by ten. and what with summer coming on and the new people i v ebeen meeting, this is getting increasingly difficult because i really do enjoy evenings, and warm weather, and interesting people.

i can see lines under my eyes, damn it, i turned thirty and look it. need to get some food for the fridge, and tidy my room, and do some laundry, bleh, i hate this house wifey stuff, if i were alone i wouldnt mind but the fact that i do them for somebody else as well, somebody i don't care about, gets on my nerves.

so, i think soon he will have to do his own shopping, cooking, and laundry and i will only clean the rooms i use, plus buy and cook my own food and wash my own clothes. i m sick of it, and i'm so sick of cat hair all over the place, all over me, all over my clothes, all over my bed, all over my face and even inside my nose. cat hair allergen combined with lack of sleep and i am a physical wreck.

on to the fun stuff, i saw that new friend again yesterday and wow! i saw her eyes at last. this time she was not wearing sunglasses. i was speechless by this colour. a fiery turqoise. paradoxical isn't it! a fiery turqoise! anyhow, we went to the annual bonfire in zurich, to chase the winter away :) and i came home smelling very smokey. she might come to visit me next weekend, but she asked if i d like to have coffee this week, too. so by that i suppose that we tolerate each other's company well :) but i m still praying i don't fall in love with anyone unexpectedly and head over heels and indeed i am lucky so far that i haven't fallen for anybody right now, i think i m a little sick of that being in love business, too, you know, the kind that is unrequited i mean. but hope the mutual thing will come along sometime this century because i dont know how long i can hold on withour sex. eight months already and well, some body parts are complaining for the lack of attention!

great day, took the train to basel, got my friend from hospital, took him home to berne, we sat awhile in his flat, talked talked talked some more
then me back to zurich for guitar lesson, on to swim lesson, then home sweet home to my cats, tired and happy. tired and happy is such fulfilling combination.

i will be alone this weekend, yay, got swim lesson tomorrow morning, then probably come home, clean a bit, make a decent meal, play with my babies, practice guitar, practice my voice exercises, learn a new song that's stuck in my head. and for a nice kick at the end doing a nice spin session, god no, not a gym spinning session, i mean spinning around, around myself and around my living room until i know the world no more.

there's already a waiting line in my head of all the things i want to do and learn, and i actually do think there is plenty time to do it all even if i only got another half a lifetime left. as in just another 30 years.

anyway, i m going out with a new friend come monday, not that girl i wrote about yesterday, someone else, she is really nice.

the bus that takes me from near my home to the station was a little late today.

the disgusting porky man who was harassing that woman back on the train platform on november 13th, and tried to bully me when i pulled the woman away from him, and who a couple weeks after that incident had tried to harass me in an empty train, was sitting behind me in the bus.

when the bus arrived we had to run for the train was already in the station. as i saw him running ahead of me for a couple moments, somehow some form of pity prevailed over my disgust. he must have been out of breath though because i got ahead of him although i was only walking, and then i held the door open for him thinking "here i am washing away one of your sins and i don't even hate you for it".

hit me if i knew what that meant though.

ok, maybe don't hit me.

do people's bad behaviour gets erased when we forgive them? or in other ways remove their responsibility for it?

when i "forgave" my father for example (using that verb forgive as an approximation for removing responsibility...) with the reasoning of "he didnt know better?"

and why can i not forgive my mother with the same reasoning? can you forgive with reason? maybe a judge can forgive with reason, but who i am to judge? and damn it, who am i then, not to judge.

and in any case does this act of "forgiving" not include feeling superior to that person we are "forgiving"? especially when we give the forgiveness without their asking for it?

on the other hand, do we not know how to protect a child simply because it is a child and we love it and we see it as our moral responsibility to protect that child. and in this situation we do not feel superior to the child but we do know that we are more experienced therefore in a position to take care of it.

as far as i am concerned i didn't "forgive" to remove the "sin" from my father but because i needed very badly to let go of this burden of having to despise someone for something they've done to me that caused me a lot of pain, confusion etc (never mention half a fortune on psychotherapy).

hm.


ok, let's move on to the real issue of today's blog.

i ve met this woman. i like her a lot. i dont think she has the slightest romantic interest in me. i m hoping that i wont develop more intense feelings for her because boy i dont wanna be stuck in some unrequited love sob story for the next who knows how many months. she was talking to me and i couldnt even listen, all i kept thinking was i want to kiss you so bad my lips hurt. it's official. i need to get laid. bleh.

so i met a guy at the train today, all i wanted was to get off at the next stop and take a walk in the rain by the lake, but he talked to me while i was texting back a friend "don't you find texting a little unpersonal"? i looked up and saw this nordic looking man in his mid 30s, he reminded me of a loaf of barely baked white bread, ash hair, a touch of gold for eyebrows, unframed bleach blue eyes, pouty pearly lips. his tone was neutrally inquisitive, not this "you young people don't know what real communication is about anymore"

i didnt know what to answer, really, i wanted to say that simply it is practical, but then we ended talking about body language being half of communication... I thought this might turn into a nice conversation so i skipped my stop. then he commented on my clothes, how my pink hello kitty bag (which is becoming sort of my trade mark) is assorted with my pink shawl i was wrapped in, and how it goes well with my wine red cardigan, and how although i am showing off so much pink it looks well combined and not kitschy. now this, people, was one of the nicest compliments i have received so i thanked him and even threw an extra smile in :-)

after that i pretty much understood it was not going to be a conversation really but more of a monologue with a listener. i left the talking to him and i just listened and nodded encouragingly, interested, surprised, or with a question mark all over my face.

he told me about the differences of the germans and the swiss, then the different cultures within switzerland, then some linguistics, comparing german and english, some swiss history, his childhood, his brother, his sister, and some more personal issues. This went on for maybe 20 minutes and I was trying to actively listen, sometimes my thoughts wandered off and i brought myself back to listening, he did know a lot of stuff and I liked his voice, too. well when someone has a beautiful voice and speaks from the belly up instead of from the top of their head, it is so much easier to wander off, i get almost hypnotised.

20 mins later he realised, "oh no, which stop are we at? you are so charming i forgot to get off" (men can be such bullshitters) He should have gotten off at that stop by the lake where I wanted to get off, originally. Off we hop and into the next train back. He said, did you miss your stop, too? for another 20 mins he talked more, and i listened better. we were alone. told me about his travels, some spiritual experiences, his past, his present. i hardly put a word in, and i was perfectly comfortable with that, and with his openness and this verbal "intimacy".

then we got off at the lake, and he had to take another train home.

before we said good bye, he said it was nice to meet you and that you listened so carefully, sometimes i feel so lonely and people usually dont listen like that. again i had received such a beautiful thing to hear. i said thank you, anytime. and when you feel lonely, try out different people until you find one that will listen. and if this encounter hadn't had that therapeutic touch to it, i would have kissed him without further intentions.

coming home i wondered if i d ever bump into him again, or why did i have to meet him? for me, it was a reassurance that working with people in the long run is exactly what i want/need/ am supposed to do. and another reminder of my bisexual moments as of late, say, a month. or do i need to get laid that bad. sigh. anyhoo.



other than that my friend called from the hospital and obviously doing fine, seeing as he was flirting with me over the phone. so had to make it clear he can go on flirting all he wants but really he can forget about it turning into anything more. a couple years ago i would have let that pass thinking "he is just flirting in a friendly way" and i would continue to be just as nice as before thinking he would get the message i m not interested in "that" way. but now i thought you know what, fuck that false modesty, i know what he's hinting/hoping at, so draw the line already. i neither went as far as explaining why nor lie about liking exclusively women.

so yeah, why the hell am i suddenly so popular with men? even my flatmate told me twice i look pretty. i look the same shit i did a month ago. (or is it because of all this sitting down and breathing lately?? in that case i shall use it daily morning and evening as my new beauty regimen)

but basically, where are all the lesbians who should be standing in line for my number!? huh!!

I met a beautiful woman today and we had a lovely, slow walk along the lake, stopping here and there to take in this and that. we sat down at a bench and talked, it was like we had all the time in the world, philosophising about spirituality, meditation, those beautiful moments, travels, experiences. got some coffee somewhere to get warmed up and talked some more about our lives and then we walked back. as we were coming out of the lake park area and into the city again i felt as if we were emerging, you could say, from a mini retreat and that's when i really appreciated this park, i've always loved it but had never noticed how effectively it shuts out the city noises and hectic energy and tranfers you into an almost protected recreation area. so in all I had a very relaxing at the same time stimulating afternoon. here's to more beautiful encounters like these to come.

then I had my singing class, right after the breathing exercises the teacher said: you know what people, today I must tell you something: I do not have cancer! It turns out she had been going through tests for the past two months. Anyway we proceeded with our singing and for some reason i kept laughing more than usually, the teacher joking around am i funny? you think i'm funny? and we all joined in to tease her, oh well, i enjoy my singing class. singing liberates people. At the end of the class we were talking about who's coming to the next course, i can't because of my planned trip, the teacher was like, you can't come to my next class but i think it's great you're doing this trip and I turned back and said and you know what, i think it's great you don't have cancer. and she said thank you and it was one of the deepest felt thank yous i've heard in my life.

on the way home i tried to find something to eat, man it sucks being a vegan. i ended with an orange, cherry tomatoes and some yummy spanish sweet crackers with olive oil and anise seeds. i need a vegan cookbook. i have to check the library tomorrow.

i still havent heard from my friend from the hospital and i am supposing he is still too dizzy or dozing on and off reality with all those pills and antibiotics they must be giving him now. but hopefully all went well and switzerland will soon have one woman less and one man more, without birth or death certificates friday he should be coming out so i'll go pick him up and take him home. and if they delay to release him until monday then well i will camp outside the nurses' station until he can go lol

I met a beautiful woman today and we had a lovely, slow walk along the lake, stopping here and there to take in this and that. we sat down at a bench and talked, it was like we had all the time in the world, philosophising about spirituality, meditation, those beautiful moments, travels, experiences. got some coffee somewhere to get warmed up and talked some more about our lives and then we walked back. as we were coming out of the lake park area and into the city again i felt as if we were emerging, you could say, from a mini retreat and that's when i really appreciated this park, i've always loved it but had never noticed how effectively it shuts out the city noises and hectic energy and tranfers you into an almost protected recreation area. so in all I had a very relaxing at the same time stimulating afternoon. here's to more beautiful encounters like these to come.

then I had my singing class, right after the breathing exercises the teacher said: you know what people, today I must tell you something: I do not have cancer! It turns out she had been going through tests for the past two months. Anyway we proceeded with our singing and for some reason i kept laughing more than usually, the teacher joking around am i funny? you think i'm funny? and we all joined in to tease her, oh well, i enjoy my singing class. singing liberates people. At the end of the class we were talking about who's coming to the next course, i can't because of my planned trip, the teacher was like, you can't come to my next class but i think it's great you're doing this trip and I turned back and said and you know what, i think it's great you don't have cancer. and she said thank you and it was one of the deepest felt thank yous i've heard in my life.

on the way home i tried to find something to eat, man it sucks being a vegan. i ended with an orange, cherry tomatoes and some yummy spanish sweet crackers with olive oil and anise seeds. i need a vegan cookbook. i have to check the library tomorrow.

i still havent heard from my friend from the hospital and i am supposing he is still too dizzy or dozing on and off reality with all those pills and antibiotics they must be giving him now. but hopefully all went well and switzerland will soon have one woman less and one man more, without birth or death certificates friday he should be coming out so i'll go pick him up and take him home. and if they delay to release him until monday then well i will camp outside the nurses' station until he can go lol

my lovelies,

i have "no time" to write blogs... although there is actually loads to write! i never seem to get around to doing it. life is good, life is busy... i am really good and really busy.

have a great new week!

So I have turned off my laptop, and I am taking a short pre-bed time-out to mentally organise the next day... I lie back on my old, not so stable anymore, recliner kinda office chair...

Now, i know this chair is tricky, right? so i am careful, lie back with a sharpened sense of my physical perception,

and i manage. really good i might add. i find the middle point, the golden middle,

my oldest cat is in the room too, she feels my relaxation and decides... mommy seems so soft right now, why don't I jump on her with all my might!! I lose balance, chair falls backwards, kitty gets scared and sticks her claws on my lap, and down we go tumbling chair and all.

What does this story teaches us.... ?

Get a new office chair!!!

yes, another great day today, the weather even played along, was relatively sunny and relatively warm, it is time to dig out my sunglasses... scrap that, it is time to go get some new cool sunglasses... oh and did i mention, i got a pair of excellent new summer shoes yesterday! doesnt have so much with fashion and being materialistic and so on... but do you know what happiness it is to walk and not have your shoes squish or hurt on any spot?!

so, I had my second guitar lesson today, and i am sooo happy I am doing something for myself that I wanted to do in a very long time, i always thought music is essential to a well rounded general education... plus i simply love, love, LOVE the sound of a guitar. but i never even dared to dream about actually doing it.

and since right now i have still a lot of time on my hands, i decided to "allow" myself to just do the things i want to do! so i am taking guitar and singing lessons, along with swimming lessons... guitar i really want to learn, so i will continue it over the years, singing is more of a fun thing to do in a group, surely over time one does learn some basic things just not interested as far as taking private lessons... right now i can say that my shower singing does sound clearer! as for swimming, somehow i managed to "teach" myself to swim early on, but never the right way... i've learned two of the four swim styles in 8 lessons so far... i can't wait to be out in the open sea again!

all those things are giving me immense satisfaction and joy... next things on my list a) to buy and learn how to ride a bike, b) from the new school year on, i would like to start aikido... if i survive the first lesson that is :p

life is so good (not because of my lessons - but because it simply is!)

today I had an excellent bean and veg soup for lunch. flavoured with lemon juice.

today i've had one of the most fulfilling days in a very long time.

i was pissed off the whole day today.

weird thing. until some time ago, when I am got pissed off, i started cleaning. then the day after my 30th birthday, i took a deep breath and decided to take things easy, i don't remember now the exact thought behind it, but it was as if I had pushed the magic button, a lot of things fell into place, and I stopped being that angry. or hurt. or anyhow, i stopped bothering that much, that often.

since then, I did not have a lot of incentive to clean, except for the occasional superficial vacuum and keeping kitchen and bathroom hygienic... and once i polished all the wooden floors down on my knees because I had just met a girl that had blown my mind away and i didn't know what to do with all that energy rush I was feeling. the girl stayed in my head for about a week, the floor polish lasted a couple months :)

a few days ago i decided it was time to give the flat a good old spring clean and scrub. declutter, cobwebs, scrub, windows, balcony... the works. i had done a big clean when i came back from africa last year. i threw away all kinds of garbage that had piled up during almost three years i had been away. and what three years they were, but this is a topic for another story.

let me tell you though that three years can make for a lot of garbage: clothes, souvenirs, clothes, papers, more clothes, gifts, household items, stuff that were mine, my flatmate's, stuff of exes... useless stuff, stuff that was in the way, that took space. when it was gone, I could breath deep again.

btu let's return to today. so here i was faced with having to clean, and it totally pissed me off. why do i have to do such weary job?


i love to look at the sky turning dark from my balcony. i love to look at the sky, period :) I would like to be a bird tonight.

when i was angry before, i used to clean. now, when i have to clean, i get angry. i might have conditioned myself to feel anger while cleaning... :/

She is naturally compassionate and patient, and those two qualities she hands out generously. Sometimes she puts her hand on my heart to remind me to "not be so harsh with people" because "everybody is carrying something around with them you don't know about".

She seems to have an insight on people's sorrow, as if she could read their story on their face, on their posture, the way they walk and move, their pauses in between sentences, and understand how it is that they've come to take their stance towards life.

She is one of the coolest people I know, and doesn't take anything you say personally. She will ask if she has a doubt and clear any misunderstandings. She simply doesn't have a bee in her bonnet. She is honest and straightforward, but in a non-confrontational way, you will never feel criticism, only genuine interest and understanding. She is free from any need for petty ego boosts.

She is not scared. She has an air of self-assuredness, she can enter any place and meet anyone and feel neither intimidated nor impressed. She has impeccable manners, the type that matters, like make you feel welcome and see that you are at ease. She will never embarass you, she is very thoughtful and considerate.

She is so precious, and I am not sure if I've ever taken the time to tell her how much I appreciate her influence and all I've learned from her. I am a braver person because she believed in me and expressed her love liberally.

I am truly blessed to have met, recognised, and kept a friend this precious. Beyond beautiful, she is wholesome. One of her kind, really.

yes what an amazing week i ve had. new classes and all, but most importantly, I have come to some realisations/insight call it what you may, but a lot of things suddenly make sense and i got some answers.

on top of that all,

my sister wrote to me today to thank me for what i ve done for her because these things "have defined her to a great extent" and she is "happy to have become who she is because of it".

thanking me for what I've done for her over the years. I didnt really expect or even want a recognition for being her big sister. it's really more than my pleasure to do whatever i can from funding her studies to listening to her heartbreaks, sometimes being the big sister and sometimes being just her sister. i take pride in this "role" and and she is so precious to me.

of course, having such a cool person for a sister does help - never mention she is stunning to look at with her flaming green eyes and honest smile. She's only 20 but she lacks this self consciousness that makes one a shy, reserved person constantly doubting themselves, she is confident, free spirited and brave and to your face, i can only admire her and pretty sure she will keep most of it up because this is the core of her character and has been since she was very small. she has an amazing ability which is to be in the here and now of each moment with her whole being. this makes her a very alive and vibrant person with no regrets, truly an example a lot of people should take after including myself. although she is so young she is self reliant and often she will ask me for this or that and by the time i get the means to help her she will say "iz allright - got it!" or never mind, wasn't much of a deal after all.

i know lots of people don't have much to do with their siblings and i am deeply thankful for my relationship to mine. there's no shit that could come in my life that would stop me from being the fullest i could be for my sister and certainly ain't nobody gonna come in between. just as she has been a full sister to me from the moment she was old enough to see me as her sister and not as the mother substitute that i essentially and without choice i had to be.

still it feels really good to get a thanks because

it means she is thankful and does not take things for granted

she is kind and humble enough to recognise external influence

she is able to see and pick out on the love and attention and positive things out of an ugly childhood situation instead of blaming life, the universe and pretty much anybody who has ever crossed her path for her bad luck, and using it as the perfect excuse to demonstrating anger and abnoxiousness at anyone who comes her way - it shows me she is a person taking responsibility for her life and experience.

besides, it's refreshing to see a 20 year old who won't thank you for the clothes or gadgets you ve bought her but instead for paying her travels and simply for being there. and let me tell you a sister is a sacred thing to be.

You know you’re a TCK when ...



- “Where are you from?” has more than one reasonable answer.
- You’ve said that you’re from foreign country X, and (if you live in America) your audience has asked you which US state X is in.
- You flew before you could walk.
- You speak two languages, but can’t spell in either.
- You feel odd being in the ethnic majority.
- You have three passports.
- You have a passport but no driver’s license.
- You go into culture shock upon returning to your “home” country.- Your life story uses the phrase “Then we moved to…” three (or four, or five…) times.
- You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
- You don’t know whether to write the date as day/month/year, month/day/year, or some variation thereof.
- The best word for something is the word you learned first, regardless of the language.
- You get confused because US money isn’t colour-coded.
- You think VISA is a document that’s stamped in your passport, not a plastic card you carry in your wallet.
- You own personal appliances with 3 types of plugs, know the difference between 110 and 220 volts, 50 and 60 cycle current, and realize that a trasnsformer isn’t always enough to make your appliances work.
- You fried a number of appliances during the learning process.
- You think the Pledge of Allegiance might possibly begin with “Four-score and seven years ago….”- Half of your phone calls are unintelligible to those around you.
- You believe vehemently that football is played with a round, spotted ball.
- You consider a city 500 miles away “very close.”
- You get homesick reading National Geographic.
- You cruise the Internet looking for fonts that can support foreign alphabets.
- You think in the metric system and Celsius.
- You may have learned to think in feet and miles as well, after a few years of living (and driving) in the US. (But not Fahrenheit. You will *never* learn to think in Fahrenheit).
- You haggle with the checkout clerk for a lower price.
- Your minor is a foreign language you already speak.- When asked a question in a certain language, you’ve absentmindedly respond in a different one.
- You miss the subtitles when you see the latest movie.
- You’ve gotten out of school because of monsoons, bomb threats, and/or popular demonstrations.
- You speak with authority on the subject of airline travel.
- You have frequent flyer accounts on multiple airlines.
- You constantly want to use said frequent flyer accounts to travel to new places.
- You know how to pack.
- You have the urge to move to a new country every couple of years.
- The thought of sending your (hypothetical) kids to public school scares you, while the thought of letting them fly alone doesn’t at all.
- You think that high school reunions are all but impossible.
- You have friends from 29 different countries.
- You sort your friends by continent.
- You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
- You realize what a small world it is, after all.

taken from http://www.tckid.com

i was talking, or rather chatting, to a blogger friend who works somewhere very far away, in a country bordering on the caspian sea. we talked about the languages spoken there and somehow, it struck me to look it up. so i learned a bit about the area and that farsi although it uses the arabic alphabet is still an indoeuropean language. Also, i came to see that Neka, is one of the major cities around the caspian sea, which is actually more of a lake.

then i saw something funny on facebook and trying to find the same image so i could post it here, i stumbled upon some research about the psychology of scam victims and how this knowledge could translate into creating better security keys against online scams, too. I checked out the guys who conducted it and found the "magic phrase" The Magic Words are Squeamish Ossifrage which of course I had to find out more about, which led me to learn a bit about about plaintext, ciphertext, algorithms and sharing, or rather donating CPU time - all things i ve heard of before from my beloved nerd friends mind you, but that was many years ago.

oh, btw i also watched this about banning loveless marriages and thought it highly unfair that people would possibly reduce to, or judge whether a marriage is to be considered as such depending on sexual activity or whatever... such nonsense...

but the most important thing i learned today was definitely this:

how easter eggs ware made

in a good way...

along with study, household, laundry and all the other things to do, i had to admit to myself that i needed to go shopping. i realised i had been wearing the same baggy jeans and hoody for the past months, week after week. i couldnt be bothered to pick and match anythign else, it was just comfortable. I didn't care to look good and it never crossed my mind what other people might think.

then I realised it's time to go out there and find myself a nice, dependable, honest... bla, bla, girl to really love... and to do so, i think, some cute clothes might help... you know, to catch her attention until she takes a look under the surface ;)

but instead of cute and sexy I just got a few warm, soft, comfortable and practical items... you know, stuff with descriptions like microfleece, thermal, wind/waterproof... and because i have such a good eye for bargains it all just cost me pizza and soda for four... all organic cotton/recycled plastic material and most important: fair trade... aren't i happy my fav shop has jaw dropping sales twice a year...

now besides that, for some reason shoes have been dying on me... three pairs of sports shoes i finallythat were so worn their soles were slippery smooth... they were between 10 and 4 years old... today i noticed two things: my ankle boots I've been wearing for the past four winters have slightly opened at the side, which I can repair with some glue i'm sure... and my loyal beloved 8 year old birkenstocks that i wear indoors... need replacement too. so, I'll be out looking for some running shoes and for new birkis, lest I remain only with dressy heels and stuff...

funny how i can remember exactly where i got all my shoes, even about how much they cost. maybe because they are something that stays with me a long time, darn my shoes stay with me longer than most people. or maybe because i put so much thought into choosing them - they have to be good quality and perfect fit. usually that means also pricey but i've only paid "full price" for shoes when it was an emergency and I just needed a pair right away, which was twice I can remember off the top of my head right now and was on a trip...

once i was in athens and the zip of my knee boots broke! so I got the said ankle boots that are opening up now... and then last year i needed lighter, open shoes cuz weather on my trip was much warmer than anticipated. never let anyone advise you, you get winter in africa. ever. screw the bullshit talk about "ask the locals". lonely planet rules. this is now the reason i have two pairs of same style trekking sandals.

twice more I paid full price, both times just because i wanted those dead cute, black, solid ankle strap ballerinas, sort of like flat mary janes but sexier... the first time I needed some presentable shoes for work and also wore them at a ball with a long black velvet dress - that was when i was 20 and i had to give them away a couple years later because my foot outgrew them (!) before i got any decent wear out of them...

the other pair, two years ago, was just because I wanted this type of shoe and when I wore them for the first time they cut me so hard in my achilles i think i was lucky no damage was done... I couldn't walk straight for two weeks and had the wounds to prove it for a month. can't wait for spring to wear them again... they softened of course, with my own blood...

oh dear, what a boring rant.... I guess i am tired and talking nonsense... anyhow, sauna today was reaaaalllly good. am i the only person who gets incredibly horny in there?? and i'm not even at the middle of my cycle... just let me find that bold enough girl who'll get naughty with me in there on a weekday morning, when the place is deserted...

yes this is actualy vsv's profile and blog and they have been "neglected" the last couple weeks. blame it all on ms hot and trim (aka in shoe lala land as rach) who got me started on the gym and pool and going out and meeting people.

I've had a fantastic saturday. scrap that, i've had the most fantastic week in about a year (long story).

AND a fantastic saturday compared to that week.

woke up happy, had a good swim, but mostly enjoyed gliding underwater... bliss. although usually i dream of being a big raven and flying sometimes today i was more for a fish. not sure fish have so much fun though, sea mammals more like. (i can so relate to the guy from the big blue sometimes)

so anyhoo i was going to Body worlds with a friend at last! I had asked him several times, can you really do it? he's a bit of a softy, water sign (cancer) and all. he said, yeah, i'll manage. dear lord we haven't been inside 2 mins and he's turning pale. the lady at the entrance with a stick up her behind wouldn't let us back out, said we have to go through the whole thing and get out at the EXIT.

so there we go through a pretty crowded exhibition (saturday afternoon in zurich... it's CULTURE time!) so it's me to the front trying to keep him looking at the floor and holding hands to lead him and keeping him from opening the fire exit doors lol until we made it to the EXIT without any upset stomach accidents -- phew!

then we had a really good talk with a cup of my favourite poison (cappucino, two sugars) and continued it with some excellent thai food at the other side of town.

and now i am tired and goodnight and if i don't see you tomorrow,

in a good way...

along with study, household, laundry and all the other things to do, i had to admit to myself that i needed to go shopping. i realised i had been wearing the same baggy jeans and hoody for the past months, week after week. i couldnt be bothered to pick and match anythign else, it was just comfortable. I didn't care to look good and it never crossed my mind what other people might think.

then I realised it's time to go out there and find myself a nice, dependable, honest... bla, bla, girl to really love... and to do so, i think, some cute clothes might help... you know, to catch her attention until she takes a look under the surface ;)

but instead of cute and sexy I just got a few warm, soft, comfortable and practical items... you know, stuff with descriptions like microfleece, thermal, wind/waterproof... and because i have such a good eye for bargains it all just cost me pizza and soda for four... all organic cotton/recycled plastic material and most important: fair trade... aren't i happy my fav shop has jaw dropping sales twice a year...

now besides that, for some reason shoes have been dying on me... three pairs of sports shoes i finallythat were so worn their soles were slippery smooth... they were between 10 and 4 years old... today i noticed two things: my ankle boots I've been wearing for the past four winters have slightly opened at the side, which I can repair with some glue i'm sure... and my loyal beloved 8 year old birkenstocks that i wear indoors... need replacement too. so, I'll be out looking for some running shoes and for new birkis, lest I remain only with dressy heels and stuff...

funny how i can remember exactly where i got all my shoes, even about how much they cost. maybe because they are something that stays with me a long time, darn my shoes stay with me longer than most people. or maybe because i put so much thought into choosing them - they have to be good quality and perfect fit. usually that means also pricey but i've only paid "full price" for shoes when it was an emergency and I just needed a pair right away, which was twice I can remember off the top of my head right now and was on a trip...

once i was in athens and the zip of my knee boots broke! so I got the said ankle boots that are opening up now... and then last year i needed lighter, open shoes cuz weather on my trip was much warmer than anticipated. never let anyone advise you, you get winter in africa. ever. screw the bullshit talk about "ask the locals". lonely planet rules. this is now the reason i have two pairs of same style trekking sandals.

twice more I paid full price, both times just because i wanted those dead cute, black, solid ankle strap ballerinas, sort of like flat mary janes but sexier... the first time I needed some presentable shoes for work and also wore them at a ball with a long black velvet dress - that was when i was 20 and i had to give them away a couple years later because my foot outgrew them (!) before i got any decent wear out of them...

the other pair, two years ago, was just because I wanted this type of shoe and when I wore them for the first time they cut me so hard in my achilles i think i was lucky no damage was done... I couldn't walk straight for two weeks and had the wounds to prove it for a month. can't wait for spring to wear them again... they softened of course, with my own blood...

oh dear, what a boring rant.... I guess i am tired and talking nonsense... anyhow, sauna today was reaaaalllly good. am i the only person who gets incredibly horny in there?? and i'm not even at the middle of my cycle... just let me find that bold enough girl who'll get naughty with me in there on a weekday morning, when the place is deserted...

i've lost or decided to drop four people in the last few weeks. realised it was only ok as long as i did what they wanted and didn't speak up, and when i stood up for myself and wasn't so accommodating anymore, i was suddenly "rude" and "thinking only of myself"... spoilt, manipulative people *shrugs* hope i've learnet better now. a bit angry at myself for my naivity but still...

this also became evident in a dream i had this morning, where i stood up for myself at someone who was taking advantage of me. so my sunday began nicely, and continued even more so... i can look back at a nice weekend, bring on monday...!

i do like my self of more and more.

i'm loving my new haircut, too!

love is...
...when someone rushes to the door to push a fleece sweater over your head when you're taking the trash out cuz are you crazy to go in minus three degrees in your t shirt

my phone rang on the way home tonight. it was my lovely friend C, for shorts let's call him Treasure, returning my call from the other night. "oh i'm so sorry my love, i couldn't answer it yesterday, i was talking to the supervising doctor, i just got home from the hospital and had to eat something before i could call you, this internship is such a pain on my cute gay ass (I am NOT translating the literal greek expression he used... i'm keeping it civil), i can't believe i am a doctor, can you believe it? omg i am a doctor, why didn't you let me drop out of medicine school, oh, my darling, it is so difficult, those night shifts, ah, if you'd see my dark cirles under my eyes, you must make me some of your creams... "

i was smiling and a tear froze on the edge of my eye at the same time

firstly, i was so proud of him. secondly, he is so incredily sweet, omg if i weren't gay i would so be all over him even if he still was. and i was a tiny little proud of myself, and no, not for his flawless greek (he is another student of mine turned close friend - and we're done with those cases)

thirdly, just an hour before the call, i was taking the 20 min walk from school to the main station freezing and having the following thoughts...

friends don't make it easy for you. friends won't provide you with the perfect excuse why you can't really pursue your dream just because you're asking for one. friends won't let you forget what your dream was just because you're too tired to remember. friends won't let you out of a relationship that they know makes you happy just because you're too stubborn to say sorry, friends will nag you to quit smoking until your ears bleed. friends won't let you drop out of school even if they have to spend the whole night over your shoulder making sure you finish that essay on deadline so you won't even have to repeat that one class. friends won't tell you it's ok to be lazy or that you deserve some chill time when you should be studying till your eyes pop out. friends don't give you permission to ruin your life. friends tell it like it is when you're about to make a mistake you'll regret for many years to come.

and thank god, i have some friends just like that. i hope my friends are thankful for this nagging know-it-all bitch, too.

my flatmate went to the opera this morning, they had a sale. no, not opera tickets sale. they were getting rid of costumes from past seasons.

he told me he had to wait in line for 15 minutes, before he could be admitted into the storage hall where the things were. there were rows and rows of costumes, only separated into men's and women's, all sizes together. the prices ranging from 20 to 200 francs.

there were people there who go to this sale every year, some looking for extravagant dresses, or people looking for material for their hobby theatre group but also people who went just to have a look at the opera "backstage". i would love to go with next year! actually the sale will still be on tomorrow from 10 to 5.

he came home with some things that he can use at his next live action role-playing event (LARP): a long, woolen coat that will be suitable for his tailor character, a vest and leg covers from different pieces of fake fur that make him look like a neandertaler.

this is the events where he goes two to three times a year (and I have the house to myself for a week each )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=079ZfhnvFPs

he and other friends have been nagging me to go along and I am starting to think about it. of course, I would like to go as an elf, but with my stature, I'd have to be happy in a dwarf role