*Linzerellos Blog: May 2014

I am back from another holiday and finding it all a bit of a struggle. I had an amazing time in the US. Chicago was very lovely, we ate at Alinea which was most definitely the best culinary experience of my life, beats the Fat Duck hands down in my opinion. We then spent a lovely week with friends in California where we managed to get in another Michelin star at the very lovely Chez TJ, ate BBQs on the beach, explored San Fran and generally had a very lovely time and now I am hankering after a life elsewhere....

Since we got back, life has been pretty full on. I have been out the last 10 nights in a row and I am utterly exhausted (extremely bad diary management). Work is also taking it's toll, so I'm now in job search mode which is also adding to my stress levels. All the self doubt suddenly creeps in when you have to go out and sell yourself.

Usually I am happy and full of the joys of life, but this last week I've felt like crying on more than one occasion and have become a hypochondriac of the highest order. Yesterday I had a couple of experiences which made me realise something has got to change, and that has to be the number I see on the scales.

I have been feeling off for the past few days, nothing I can really put my finger on (aches and pains, slightly dizzy etc), but I am one of life's worriers, couple that with Google and I am imagining all manner of horror. Yesterday I couldn't decide if I was experiencing heart or kidney failure, but either way, I was paranoid enough to consider driving to casualty. I wouldn't be worrying about minor aches and pains if I wasn't the size of a small island. Something has to give (and preferably not my heart or kidneys).
Inability to fit in my seat when we went to see Frank Skinner last night at the Reading Hexagon. We always try to get seats near the stage when we go to the Hexagon and I generally have no issue. The balcony, however, is a different matter. I was so uncomfy in the ridiculously small seat that I was pretty sure I'd end up with Deep Vein Thrombosis. My legs were jammed so far against the seat in front because my backside is so big, it was possibly the most painful (yet very funny) experience I have ever paid for.

I don't really know what my plan is. I am still fighting a mental battle against rejoining WW or SW as I really hate the whole diet group mentality, but I seem incapable of losing weight on my own. I don't want to lose a lot, a few stone maybe to get me back to my comfortable weight, but I don't know where to start. I have a few good days and then I get pee'd off with work or something else and I treat myself with food or alcohol.

One thing I do know is that I need to get fitter. I've become pretty inactive and it's not helping me at all. My ankles are swelling from long periods sat at my desk (contributed to my belief a major organ was failing yesterday) and my legs are aching at night pretty badly which is disrupting my sleep. They certainly aren't aching from the hours of walking I do... I am never ill, but if I carry on like this, it's only a matter of time.

So whilst looking for a new job and attending interviews, I need to come up with a plan to address my health and weight. It's all very overwhelming...

Anyway, enough of my self pity. I will leave you with some photos of the past few weeks to remind myself that life is actually pretty damn good.