*Linzerellos Blog

So my weigh in last night didn't go as well as I'd hoped. I am the heaviest in living memory. Not ideal. Still, it was nice to be back at class. My leader remembered me before I'd even weighed in, which was lovely. I felt like I was home.

Really feeling focussed today - so let's hope it continues. I've planned my meals for today and will attempt to get tomorrow sorted before today is over.

PT tonight which I expect to hurt a hell of a lot. I've not been since last Thursday and only had a couple of walks in between. Ouch.

Oh - and in order not to bore you all with my random outfit posts, I've started a new blog just to post that sort of stuff. I'll try and keep this one more "lose (some of) the lard focussed."  Feel free to follow me over here if you are in any way interested.

Good morning everyone. I'm in a pretty good mood today, despite it effectively being Monday for me, long may it continue.

I've had a really lovely weekend celebrating the boy's birthday, it was just the two of us, but it was really nice to spend some quality time together at home instead of gallivanting all over the country. Friday night was spent eating curry and drinking too much. Saturday involved Breakfast in bed and Fish and Chips (24 hours off from WW was allowed due to Birthday celebrations).

We went for a walk in the afternoon as the weather was amazing, we stayed local to Caversham where we live. We are lucky that we are so close to a lot of amazing scenery plus there was some sort of Regatta taking place so the place had a nice buzz to it. We walked for about an hour and worked up a little bit of a sweat which blew away a lot of the cobwebs and helped me recover from my slightly sore head from too much Gin on Friday!



A view of the Mercedes Benz World race track from our window (Matt insisted we visit here yesterday to look at cars we couldn't afford- yawn!).

We had our afternoon tea before hitting the spa, where we spent an hour sat outside on the balcony in a hot tub, before lazing around, reading magazines and generally being Sloth like. Very pleasant.


Right, I will stop gibbering on and get on with some work. Happy Tuesday y'all.

Nearly a week back in and WW is still going ok. I've been a little bit out of my usual routine as I've worked from home that past few days. I find it quite difficult to remain focused when the fridge keeps shouting at me but thankfully it's full of meat and vegetables so nothing snack worthy to tempt me too far off track.

I had a really good PT session on Thursday which was very full on. We did circuits, which meant no rest, but since I had my health test results, my mental block seems to have lifted a bit. I now seem to think I'm some sort of Olympian, which is a little OTT, but believing I can do it is more than half the battle for me.

I'm still pretty sore after that session so since its a beautiful day we're planning a nice walk along the river and then a spin class tomorrow morning. Sore bum alert.

Today is the boys birthday, so we've allowed ourselves 24 hours to be a little bit less strict with the healthy eating plan. We had a curry last night and we've just consumed a full English, but both have been in much smaller quantities than I'd normally polish off, so perhaps my stomach is a little smaller than it was.

Tomorrow night we are off to a spa hotel, so I'll have to come up with a plan of action to avoid over eating (we get dinner, afternoon tea and breakfast!) and then we've Monday off work, but PT is planned so that should stop me pigging out too much beforehand.

Right then, I'd better drag my rather rotund ass out of bed and enjoy the lovely Spring like day.

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So here's the deal. I don't want children. I'm not particularly a kiddie hater, but I really just don't want my own. I feel like I'm admitting to some heinous crime here.

As I approach marriage, the question I'm constantly facing is 'when will you have kids?'
Me not wanting kids has always been the case. I don't understand why people think a ring on my finger suddenly means I need to reproduce. I get why people want kids, I really do, so why don't people get why I don't?

All of my close friends have kids, as a childless person, this is ultimately a little bit dull ( I realise this sounds selfish) I realise that their children are currently their sole focus, I really do. I get that, to them, their child is the funniest/ cutest/best thing that ever lived, but to me me, ultimately its a baby, that doesn't overly do much and stops my friends being the people I used to know.

I adore my nieces. When they call me or I see them, they make me smile a lot. I really enjoy spending time with them. But, after 48 hours in their company, I'm ready for a rest. They are great and I adore them, but it really is not for me.

I've not had a drunken girlie night with my bestest girl friends since August last year and even then, half of them were pregnant. Whilst this is not the end of the world (me and Matt have plenty of inebriated evenings), I really miss it.

When I see most of my friends these days, I go to them. This is fine, it makes sense. Usually after work so I travel 30 odd miles and we chat and it's lovely. Lovely but very different. We talk babies. I'm well versed in baby chat. I like their kids, I adore one of them (I was there when he entered the world) but it's just not how I expected things would turn out.

I know there will come a time when I'll have the old friends back, and I'm pretty sure I'll be the one they'll call for that night out. So I guess I'll wait patiently til then.

Some of my friends are amazing and do still make a real effort and they genuinely understand my opinion, but some just don't and probably never will, get it.

This is not just a random post. Having decided (when I was like 12) that kids were not my bag, and being with a man who shares my beliefs, Matt booked himself in for the snip. No big deal.

Except suddenly a lot of my friends think they should convert me to their way of thinking.

"are you really sure, it seems so final?"
"you realise he won't be able ejaculate ever again?" (FYI - bullshit)
"has he forced you into believing you shouldn't have kids, cos you'd be a brilliant mother?"
"what else is there to do once you're married?" (this one scared me the most - even if it was a joke)

Aaaaaarghhhh. I just don't want children. I'm sorry if this makes me odd. I wish I could conform to the norm, but I can't. So please, cut me a bit of slack, I'm approaching 36 years of age. I know what I want.

I get why you want kids, please get why I don't.

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My WW week continues in a pretty good vein. I'm getting  to grips again with portion control - it's amazing how my platefuls had gotten bigger and bigger and I was kidding myself it was fine as it was all SW friendly.

I still feel like I am eating quite a lot, but I guess due to my excessive girth, I get a lot of points. Even so, I had to email the lovely Emma last night to check I should be eating all of my daily points as I'm not used to this new Pro Points business. I have this extra 49 points a week which I guess will come in handy at weekends.

Breakfasts have either been cereal and fruit or toast with reduced fat butter and Marmite. Lunches have been massive salads with either Chicken or Tuna. followed by a packet of Wotsits and a Muller Light. Dinners so far have consisted of Lamb breast with dry roast potatoes and loads of Veg and gravy and Beef Chilli bulked up with yet more Veg and served with Basmati rice and low fat cheese. All bloody tasty stuff - I actually really don't feel deprived at all. Long may it continue.

Last night I went to the gym and had a 'Health MOT', I'm constantly being told by my Mother, that being so big is not healthy and really bad for me (she's a nurse and prone to preaching), so I wanted to get an idea of exactly how badly it was affecting me.

The answer - not at all really.

Results of my test

So yes - my BMI has me in the obese category. I think this surprises no one. I think it was around the 40 mark. Clearly not ideal - but to be honest, on the basis of the rest of the results, I am not stressing too much about that figure. I am working on bringing it down, so no major dramas.

My Cholesterol was 4.1 (less than 5 is considered healthy) which surprised me a little. For some reason, I reckoned this would be high as I'm fat. Clearly not the case.

My resting heart rate was 70 - for my age range, this falls into the 'Above Average' Category.

My Aerobic Fitness came out at 63 - strangely this has me as 'Elite'. The trainer actually did this test a couple of times as he couldn't believe the score. The fatter you are, the harder it is to achieve a good score on this one - so that's bloody good in my view. Clearly all of that PT has been paying off - the downside of this is that my trainer has now decided he can push me even harder than he has been as I am capable of it apparently.... Joy.




My blood pressure came out at 128/80 which is average. Again, I presumed this would be high as I'm fat.

My sugar levels came out at 3.7 - slightly low, but this was as I'd not eaten for 4 hours when the test was performed. Around 4 is average - so this is ok.

My hip to waist ratio was 0.72 - this is excellent apparently. One benefit of all of my weight being on my hips and thighs is that it is less dangerous (so to speak) than having it all around my tummy.

So overall - my health score came out at 85. For my age range, this puts me in the top 20% of people (surveyed since these tests began) in terms of overall health. I really can't complain at that. If I get to 86, I'm in the top 10% - that's definitely something to work towards.




To put this into comparison - a friend of mine who has done no exercise for months and has been following an Atkins style diet came out at 72 - which is top 50%. Despite her being a lot smaller and thinner than me, my scores had me healthier.

I was pretty spurred on by these results. I hadn't planned on doing a workout last night as I was feeling pretty knackered, but I ended up doing 25 minutes on the treadmill and some weights.

I know this test is not the be all and end all, but it's definitely made me feel a lot better about myself and my actual health and given me a renewed enthusiasm for the gym. PT tomorrow - bring it on.

I had a lovely weekend in Dusseldorf - the weather was fairly unpleasant, drizzly rain and really cold for most of our stay (not an ideal time to discover a hole in the bottom of one of your converse), but we didn't let it dampen our spirits (see what I did there?) and spent a lovely weekend exploring, sampling local cuisine and partaking in the odd bottle of Sekt.





We were there during Carnival - which by all accounts just means people are in fancy dress and dancing in the streets (I'd say there was a lot of beer consumed) so all in all it was a very pleasant weekend.

That's how yesterday was for me - just Meh.

I've started to stress that my wedding is not overly stressful, so clearly there must be something wrong. I believe I am some sort of fruit loop. I was awake most of Sunday night worrying that the wedding was an elaborate hoax. I mean, it can't be possible to arrange a wedding over email with just the odd phone call.... can it? I have been known to get up in the middle of the night to Google my wedding planner... just to make sure she does actually exist. Don't tell anyone though, as that really does make me sound mad.

I also dreamt on Sunday that the wedding invites turned up and they were random photos of other people stuck onto Christmas cards. This caused me a great deal of stress when I awoke. Why does everything seem stressful at night when you are lying in bed? Thankfully, I can confirm that the invites are exactly as I'd hoped.


Love them!

Upon arriving at work yesterday, I was already in a self inflicted grump, only to trap my cardigan in the car door leaving me with mostly just a sleeve. Not a good look. That saw me furtively hanging around Peacocks at 9am, waiting for them to open. Maybe I need to stop buying cheap clothes, they clearly can't withstand the door of a Fiat 500 and a 20 stone woman stomping into work.

Work was fairly mental as usual, so my mood didn't overly improve... so you can imagine how much I was looking forward to PT last night. Let me just say, it was hideous, every time I think I'm going to cope, he takes it to another level. My thighs today feel like they will explode if I try and get out of my chair, my arms are incapable of anything other than typing and my stomach muscles can just about cope with the movement of breathing... On the plus side, I can definitely see an improvement in myself and am really noticing the difference from when I started. I've booked in for a Health MOT next week to see if I am any fitter than I was. It had better show me good things otherwise I will be majorly mardy.

Aside from the grump of yesterday, we had a lovely weekend in Devon.



If you ever need to visit Tavistock, I implore you to stay here. Absolutely lovely and a very good breakfast too. We spent the weekend with friends so there was a fair bit of alcohol involved (Rugby and footy watching seems to encourage pints of cider) but we walked a fair bit and ate minimally - there is a lot to be said for a good breakfast. The B&B had their own chickens - so the eggs were absolutely amazing. I wonder if keeping chickens whilst living in a flat is a possibility....

Also, I need to thank you all for commenting on my fat bride post the other day too - it means a lot that you all take the time to comment. Makes me a little bit teary, but that's par for the course at the moment. But seriously - thank you.

So - this week continues in another whirlwind of events. Tonight Matt is cooking dinner (I cannot be doing with the whole Valentine's thing), tomorrow I am meeting friends after work and then we fly off to Dusseldorf on Thursday for the weekend.

Not sure with that little lot, quite when I will fit in another gym session, but I shall try and shoehorn it in somewhere.

Happy Valentine's day everyone!

Not the easiest thing to photograph on oneself.




Slightly hungover eyes.

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Here's me doing my Mr. T impression. Who knew I had such a penchant for pendants. Clearly I don't usually wear them all together, that looks blooming stupid.




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I read Peridot's last post and it got me thinking. It's inevitable I will be a fat bride when I get married in August and I've been mulling over my thoughts on that prospect.

When I first started on this weight loss journey (it's more of a roundabout at the moment), I'd only just met Matt, I hadn't entertained the possibility I'd get married one day - especially as my new boyfriend was the world's flakiest man (clearly we've moved on from there). I'd reached a point where I realised I needed to take control of my eating and get myself fitter. For me, losing weight has never been about how I look. I've always been a big girl - at school I was taller than everyone for start - so my nickname was Giraffe. I was always taller and bigger than all of my friends, but it actually never really bothered me. Of course, I've had my moments of self loathing, but to be honest, I've probably had more of an issue with liking myself a little bit too much - probably why I struggle so much to get my arse in gear.

When I moved away to Uni, I was a size 16 (oh how I long for those days now) and I felt good and at a risk of sounding like I'm blowing my own trumpet, I always did ok with men. A former best friend of mine once remarked she didn't understand how I could attract men and she couldn't, when I was so much fatter than her (you can see why we no longer speak). To be honest, I've never really thought of myself as fat - even though I clearly am. I have some sort of reverse body dysmorphic disorder.

Weight loss is the only thing I've ever really failed at in my life. I'm no genius, but, I did ok at school, got all my GCSE's, I passed my A-levels, passed my driving test first time, got myself a degree and a decent job and passed all of my professional qualifications. I've only every failed at losing weight and it's getting a bit tedious. I don't know how to cope with failure so I tend to beat myself up over and over again, but what is that actually achieving?

I'm obviously trying to lose a few pounds before August and I really want to be fitter, but, am I doing this because I am getting married? To be honest, that probably helps keep what little focus I have, BUT in all honesty I am not really sure I care that I am going to be a fat bride. I've always been big. When I met Matt, I was at my biggest and he's seen me yo-yo for the past 4.5 years. He still wants to marry me. My friends still want to come to Italy to see me get married. My family want to come to Italy to see me get married. Will people look at me and think "Oh blimey, look at the size of her in her Tulle Meringue?" Possibly, but I'm pretty sure they won't be any of the people who I love and care about who've come to share my wedding day with me. Will I look back at the day and think "I wish I had been thinner?" Who knows? I can't imagine how being thin would make me feel as I've never been there. I can't imagine it'd make all my dreams come true as, to be honest, my life is pretty damn awesome as it is.

Don't get me wrong, I am not about to give up trying to shed some pounds or going to the gym, it's important for me to bit fitter and somewhat less obese, but I will never be a size 10. I love food too much. I'd be over the moon at a size 16. An 18 would probably fill me with joy. I think I just need to stop focussing on what I weigh and concentrate on getting fitter and eating better. If I do these things, it's inevitable that I will lose some weight. Yes, I want to weigh less, no one aspires to be a size 22 in jeans. I will keep plodding, I will keep trying to be as healthy as I can, but I am going to stop beating myself up every time I jump on the scales.

There is a lot of stigma surrounding being fat and of course it can be massively unhealthy, but I think we put so much pressure on ourselves we can become really miserable and bogged down with the numbers on the scales and forget to enjoy life.

I weigh too much, I am fat, but that doesn't make me a bad person, I'm not smelly or lazy or overly greedy (ok, maybe a little bit greedy, but I would share my chips with you, if you asked nicely). I'd do anything for the people that matter to me at the drop of a hat, I'm caring and loving and generous to a fault. I've got good hair, a chest a lot of people would pay for, a pretty enough face. I dress quite well, I take care of myself, I work out. I have a lot of good friends and I am marrying my favourite ever boy.

So, I'm not going to be wearing a size 10 wedding dress when I get married, but do you know what? I really don't care.

I knew this photo was coming up so I took it when I last saw any form of sun. Clearly not today, it's been proper frozen. My face nearly fell off.

Taken from our living room last week. Pretty, huh ?



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Another good PT session on Monday night - mainly focussed on strength this week using the TRX. It was a killer, I hurt in places I didn't even know I had, but I managed it, without too much moaning (although my trainer may disagree with that). Back to the gym tonight to try and keep up the momentum.

Food has been fairly good so far - I am eating a lot of Vegetables since we had stockpiled the last 2 Abel & Cole boxes as we've been away or out gallivanting. I've had a lot of Bubble & Squeak - or my current version of it: Beetroot, Carrots, Turnip and Potatoes mashed together with dry fried Leeks, Onions, Cabbage and Mushrooms. Tastes delicious, looks a bit odd as it's bright red and probably stinks out my office (the cabbage I mean, not the effects it could potentially have on me...)

I have had a little bit of that delicious Joe & Sephs popcorn I received in my Larder Box - but I've managed not to be too much of a pig with it and I did eat half a cup cake last night at my friends house but we'd had Butternut Squash Salad for dinner, so I feel that cancels it out.... Other than that, I've been pretty saintly.

In other news, the scales had me 4 pounds back down this week. Clearly they are faulty or my body is. Either way, I am not going to keep stressing over those numbers.

And finally.....

Day 11 - Something Blue.

I've struggled with this as there is literally nothing blue in my life... The sky was resolutely staying grey yesterday, so that was no use... so this is the best I can do. I feel blue at the thought of it, if that helps...

Monkey now and monkey with me approximately 34 years ago. Scary creature, huh? How stylish was I at 18 months old??



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I think one of my biggest reasons for struggling with my weight is that I bloody love food. I love eating out, trying new places, visiting Farmers Markets and experimenting with new tastes and flavours...

So this, for the foodie in me, is an absolute delight. Larder Box. This was an inspired Christmas Present - a box sent through the post monthly containing goodies from the online Farmers Market - LoveyourLarder.com.


This month, I received:

• Dark Chocolate Powder. Sounds like it would be amazing in a Chilli or with some Skimmed milk for a late night treat.
• Joe & Sephs Salted Caramel Popcorn. I have tried this before and it is divine... Popcorn has to be better for me than crisps - right?
• Sheffield Honey - Who knew Sheffield was famous for it's bee's?
• Pukka Dukka - A Middle Easter blend of nuts and spices. Sounds gorgeous.
• Blackberry Vinegar - sounds amazing. They suggest adding to a stew for an autumnal flavour - I imagine this will also be delicious on a salad.
• A packet of seeds - Thyme. I shall be planting these around March (as instructed) on my kitchen windowsill. 

First of all thanks to everyone for your comments on my last none photo challenge post. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself with regards to my lack of weight loss, but you made me realise that the fact that I'm still here and I still care is something. I should also be happy with myself for getting fitter and for sticking with the gym, so all is not completely lost.

Since then, my choices have been a bit better. I had dinner out with a couple of friends on Thursday and I had steak, swapped the chips for mushy peas and ordered a side salad too. Small changes but it has to help. The chips looked bloody good so it was a struggle!

Friday we flew up to Edinburgh and have had a pretty lovely weekend. We went to Zizzi's for dinner - about 20 of us, and I didn't have a starter or a dessert, despite everyone else having one. I drank vodka and soda to try and keep the calories down too. I'm considering cutting out the booze altogether, but I might need a bit more persuasion!

Yesterday wasn't quite as good. We had Scottish breakfast in a lovely cafe near our friends flat, but it was small and my eggs were poached :) lunch was in a Sports Bar (so not much in the way of healthy) whilst watching the rugby and then we had Chinese last night, however I'm hoping I burnt off a few calories as I spent the whole day shivering. Back fully focused with my meals today.

We're currently sat in Edinburgh airport. All our friends were flying BA and had their flights cancelled, thankfully BMI doesn't appear to be suffering the same misfortune so fingers crossed I'm not being prematurely smug and we get back to our warm flat soon.

And finally - day 9 of the photo challenge. Someone you love.

My future hubby. A man who makes me laugh every single day.





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Nuff said.



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My journey to Edinburgh has somewhat been lacking a load of fruit.

Here's a dodgy photo of breakfast and some apples in the airport lounge. Must try harder.



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My office again. From the car park this time. Not overly inspiring is it??



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Bit of a struggle this one since we live in a ground floor flat! This is the view from my office window of lovely (!) Bracknell. What a delight.......




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This is my 500th post on this here blog - a bit of a milestone for me. I expected I'd be a hell of lot lighter than I was when I started out. In fact I think I vowed that I'd never be back to that hideous weight... well here it is people... I am a failure. I am back where I started.

I am exercising pretty well - I feel a hell of a lot fitter than I did a few months ago - but unless the scales are playing some sort of hideous trick on me, I am getting fatter every week. So that just leaves one thing - I am eating too much or I am eating completely the wrong things. I thought I'd had one bad day this week - i..e. Sunday. Turns out every day must've been bad as the scales have me 4 pounds up again this week. I mean that's some serious lardy action by anyone's standards. I just don't know what the hell is going on with my head.

Drastic action is required. We were meant to go out for dinner tonight - that has been cancelled. I can't trust myself to make good choices. We are off to Edinburgh on Friday with 15 of our friends for the Rugby - obviously this is not something we can/ want to cancel - but I have cancelled the lunch we were going to have on Friday afternoon (we arrive a lot earlier than everyone else) at the Witchery. As much as I really want to go, something has to give.

So here are the social events I've to navigate my way around in the coming weeks:

• This weekend - Edinburgh. Cancelled lunch, drink only on Saturday. Stick to SW friendly foods at all other times. Strictly no shortbread, haggis or deep fried anything.
• Next weekend - Tavistock to see friends. Walk a lot. Drink only one of the nights. Stick to SW friendly foods - maybe see if we can rearrange for a later date... 
• The following weekend - Dusseldorf for 3 nights. Limit alcohol. Walk a lot. Stick to SW friendly foods. 
• End of Feb - Matt's birthday weekend. We've a night in a Spa hotel including dinner on the Sunday - but should be good for the rest of the weekend. 
• The weekend after that - home to my parents for a weekend. Should be able to stick to diet and limit booze. Take dogs for walks?
• Then - 10 days in Cyprus.... Aaarghhhhh. Limit alcohol, walk and swim as much as possible. Eat as much fresh fruit and veg and lean meat as possible. Try not to use the "eff it I'm on holiday" attitude.

I get married in 8 months, so I've still got time to make a difference. I just need to work out how the hell to do it.