Illogical Contraption Radio has a new home, Sundays 6-8pm PST on Radio Valencia! This means we’ll be broadcasting LIVE on TERRESTRIAL radio (87.9 FM in San Francisco), as well as streaming live and podcasting! Archives will now be kept on our Radio Valencia page in ADDITION to here on IllCon Classic, but fear not, if you’re already subscribed via iTunes, that feed will remain active as well. We have tons of crazy guests and new features lined up, so prepare to have your face melted!

ALSO: BIG APOCRYPHON NEWS COMING SOON, AS WELL AS UPDATES REGARDING THE FUTURE OF "ILLCON CLASSIC"...

Stay tuned.

May the Gods bless our protectors over at The Andromeda Council. These guys work day in and day out to protect us from the combined Draco-Reptilian/Orion-Grey 4th Dimensional forces that are constantly seeking to infiltrate our government and consciousness, and news has just surfaced that they've struck what is possibly the greatest blow in known history to the alien forces just last month, as reported over at Exopolitics.

To quote the official story: In an exclusive ExopoliticsTV interview by Alfred Lambremont Webre with a human representative-contactee of the extraterrestrial governance council known as the Andromeda Council it has been revealed that the war of liberation against a 4th dimensional Orion grey and Draco reptilian alliance has been won by the forces of the Andromeda Council as of the 3rd quarter of 2011. The attempted the occupation of Earth, our moon and Mars by this grey-Reptilian alliance is over. The defeated grey-reptilian forces have been sent via stargate into the far reaches of our universe.
The Andromeda Council representative states in his ExopoliticsTV interview that the forces of the 4th dimensional Orion grey and Draco reptilian forces that remain on Earth consist of small pockets of isolated forces around such as Washington, DC.



According to the Andromeda Council representative, the defeat of the Orion grey and Reptilian occupation force on Earth, moon and Mars has the effect of leaving the Illuminati and Annunaki power structure on Earth, moon and Mars without any effective 4th dimensional back-up. Any attempt by the remaining grey and reptilian forces to assist Illuminati “false flag ET invasion” will be defeated, and any false flag ET invasion will fail.

The entire interview can be seen HERE!



Praise Odin!

As you've probably noticed, all the seismic activity and intergalactic intrigue reported above happened back in August of last year. But it is my distinct honor to announce that The Andromeda Council won another major battle the day after Valentine's Day this year, and it looks as if the very last of the Draco-Reptilian/Orion-Grey agents have been banished, once and for all, back to the 4th Dimension!
Rejoice!

The video shown below should sum it all up nicely:



Speaking of reptilian overlords:


Pool Party Radio Episode 48: Reptilian Overlords, featuring none other than yours truly, Dr. Shelby "Razorblades" Cobras, is now available for your perusal. Get it off the PP blog in raw mp3 form (link above), or just find Pool Party right here on the 'ol iTunes. Subscribe to them forthwith, because they are great dudes with large penises. Subject matter covered by Parker, Frisbie, and myself includes high candy prices at the movie theater, sea lions staging Occupy protests in the streets of SF, Adele's cannibalism, JuggaloBook, and Julian Sands (again). Not to mention, you know, the reptilians and what have you...

SPEAKING of podcasts and large penises, IllCon Radio (Episode 26!) goes live once again this evening from 10pm-midnight over at FCCFreeRadio.com, where we will be joined by THIS esteemed co-host:

Call in at (415)829-2980 and provide us with sex advice!

Speaking of which, our esteemed co-host was interviewed over at our best Bro JGD's spot The Living Doorway earlier today, so go check that out. Speaking of which, JGD will be calling into the show as well. Incestuous enough for you yet? I feel sorry for the poor sap that'll have to mop up the jizz in Studio 1A after this particular stroke-fest!

Speaking of IC Radio and rampant incest, we have some really amazing guests, interviews, events, and random wackiness approaching in the near future. Nothing I'm authorized to "officially" speak about yet, though. So stay tuned...

Until then, enjoy this awesome video of everyone's favorite Hessian Ryan Adams playing a heartfelt cover of "Wasted Years":

-J.S.D.

In addition to his super-cool name, the mysterious hermit, conspiriologist, synchromysticist, anthroponomastic etymologist, and onomastic toponymist James Shelby Downard had quite a few things going for him before his death in 1998, including a vast knowledge of Freemasonry, language, politics, and, perhaps most importantly, alchemy. He was a man who knew no equal in the realms of conspiracy and paranoia, and, had his work not been brought to light by Feral House writer/editor Adam Parfrey in the years before his death, he would have passed almost unnoticed as such.

Downard's unique take on Americana via occult symbolism and revisionist history was firmly rooted in the basic tenets of alchemical magic, and his belief that alchemy (as practiced by Freemasons, of course) guided much of America's historical path. Downard was not a prolific man, espousing his theories in small pamphlets spread out through the years. But his most compelling ideas about Americana and alchemy can be boiled down to three major points (a "trinity" if you will--more on that later):

1) The detonation of the first atomic bomb at the Trinity site in New Mexico in 1945 represented the "destruction of primordial matter" necessary to begin magical transformation in alchemical lore.
2) The assassination of John F. Kennedy in Dallas, TX, November 22, 1963 represented the "killing of the king" which functions as a second step in the alchemical trinity.
3) A third, unidentified event would complete this Trinity and usher in a new age of either supreme enlightenment or supreme evil. Traditionally, this alchemical "third step" consists of "MAKING MANIFEST ALL THAT IS HIDDEN".


Downard's best known work, a summation of these theories co-authored by controversial anti-Zionist conspiracy nut Robert Hoffman II, was titled King Kill 33, self-published, and distributed in small batches in 1987. You can read the preface (and then some) HERE, and after that buckle up and READ KING KILL 33 IN ITS ENTIRETY RIGHT HERE. It is some heavy shit.

Arguably, Downard's second greatest venture into the public eye came via Adam Gorightly's book, James Shelby Downard's Mystical War (BUY IT!), released in 2008.
Amazon.com says this: "Mind Control, occult scenarios, conspiracy and ritual crimes… In "James Shelby Downard’s Mystical War," author Adam Gorightly chronicles the famed conspiracy researcher’s life long battles against Masonic Sorcery as an investigator and exposer of the Science of Symbolism, Onomatology (Science of Names) and Mystical Toponomy (Science of Places). "James Shelby Downard’s Mystical War" picks up where Downard left off and follows the bread crumbs down a rabbit hole where only the brave (or crazy!) dare follow."

Then again, Amazon is often full of shit. If you'd like to learn a bit more before actually purchasing Gorightly's book, check out an excellent, detailed review (which nearly doubles as a Downard bio) over at Loren Coleman's Twilight Language blog. From his write-up:

"As you begin to read this new book about Downard, you might think that you have opened a cryptocomedic LSD trip about a conspiracy-oriented Forrest Gump-like character, who amazingly finds himself in all the wrong places at the wrong times...
Gorightly escorts the reader abroad a rollercoaster ride in which Downard is a Freemason scapegoat being ritualistically abused, watching the KKK hang a person at a crossroads, seeing Alexander Graham Bell receiving homoerotic sex magik fellatio, visiting J. Edgar Hoover's office, and getting a phone call from FDR."

Click HERE for full size.

Ever heard of William Grimstad? Me neither, but here's an oft-quoted excerpt from William Grimstad's piece on Downard, taken from 1978's Weird America:

"Would you believe John F. Kennedy as a ceremonial king-who-must-die? I'm afraid there is a certain body of opinion, undoubtedly the farthest-out brain wave of assassinology yet, that maintains the killing was pulled off, not by the Russians, the Cubans, the CIA, or the Mafia, but by alchemists.
As I understand the hypothesis, President Kennedy was for some reason chosen as The King (remember "Camelot," "Macbird" and all that?) after the fashion of James G. Frazer and Mary Renault whose "The King Must Die" he had been given to read before his death. This killing of the king in Dallas was related somehow to the touching off of the world's first atomic bomb at the Trinity Site in New Mexico 18 years earlier. Apparently the Bomb was the "destruction of primordial matter" stage of the grand alchemical working, but these conspiracy buffs aren't much more specific on details than were the early alchemists in their recipes. Anyway, Kennedy represented the next stage of the process - the "Death of the White King" - when he was immolated on a trinity site of his own. For, aren't Dealey Plaza and the ill-famed Triple Underpass on the bank of the old Trinity River?"

Sounds feasible, right? We already know the Freemasons run the show, dangling, as it were, from puppet-strings held by the Illuminati, who are in turn controlled by a vastly secretive race of shapeshifting reptilian space aliens. Common knowledge here, really, but the weird connections that Downard pointed out in his life work will really blow your mind. I don't mean to mislead: he didn't have any reptoid/Illuminati theories per se. But the loose ends he ties together via language, numbers, and geography are multitudinous are cripplingly odd nonetheless...


Also important: Masonry and the Downardian Nightmare, by Adam Parfrey. Foreward to Part 1 of JSD's autobiography, Carnivals of Life and Death. Buy said volume HERE. Parfrey's pieces on Downard in the much-cited Apocalypse Culture books are absolutely essential. Downard's Carnival only covers his life from birth to age 26--he died before completion of the second volume.

But back to the names and numbers...

Consider, my friends, these concepts (taken en masse from The Sorcerer's Apprentices. James Shelby Downard and the Mysteries of Americana, by Jonathan Vankin and John Whalen), just the tip of the iceberg, really, when studying JSD's work:

- Dallas is located just south of the 33 degree of latitude. The 33rd degree is Freemasonry's highest rank.
- Kennedy's motorcade was rolling toward the "Triple Underpass" when he was slain by, according to some analysts, three gunmen. Three tramps were arrested right after the murder. Hiram Abiff, architect of Solomon's Temple and mythic progenitor of Freemasonry was murdered according to Masonic legend by three "unworthy craftsmen."
- "Dea" in Latin means goddess. "Ley" in Spanish can refer to law or rule. "Dealey Plaza" was "goddess-rule" plaza.
- Blamed for the assassination was a man named "Oz," explained by Downard as "a Hebrew term denoting strength." Divine strength is integral to the King-killing rite.
- "Oz" was killed by "Ruby," just as the ruby slippers freed Dorothy from the land of Oz in The Wizard of Oz, "which one may deride as a fairy tale but which nevertheless symbolizes the immense power of 'ruby light' otherwise known as the laser."


- Dealey Plaza is near the Trinity River, which before the introduction of flood control measures submerged the place regularly. Dealey Plaza therefore symbolizes both the trident and its bearer, the water-god Neptune. "To this trident-Neptune site," writes Downard, "came the 'Queen of Love and Beauty' and her spouse, the scapegoat, in the Killing of the King rite, the 'Ceannaideach' (Gaelic word for Ugly Head or Wounded Head). In Scotland, the Kennedy coat of arms and iconography is full of folklore. Their Plant Badge is an oak and their Crest has a dolphin on it. Now what could be more coincidental than for JFK to get shot in the head near the oak tree at Dealey Plaza. Do you call that a coincidence?" For those in our audience still too puzzled by the whole "Wizard of Oz" thing to get that last bit: the "Queen" is Jackie and "Ceannaideach" is the Gaelic form of Kennedy.
- An earlier "Trinity Site," in New Mexico, was the location of the first atomic bomb explosion. Chaos and synergy, breaking apart and joining together are the first principles of alchemy. The atomic bomb broke apart the positive and negative (male and female) elements that compose primordial matter. Physicists refer to this fiendish trickery as "nuclear fission."
- The New Mexico "Trinity" sits on the 33rd degree latitude line.

- The Kennedy assassination's true significance was concealed by the Warren Commission headed by Freemason Earl Warren with Freemason Gerald Ford as its public spokesman. The Commission drew its information from the FBI headed by Freemason J. Edgar Hoover and the CIA, which transmitted information through former director Freemason Allen Dulles who sat on the commission.
- A decade later Ford, when president himself, was the target of an attempted assassination in front of the St. Francis Hotel, located opposite Mason Street in the City of St. Francis, San Francisco. Members of the Freemasonic "Hell Fire Club," site of many a sex orgy involving such luminaries as Freemason Benjamin Franklin, called themselves "Friars of St. Francis."
- The St. Francis Hotel was also the site of sex orgies. On its premises occurred the rape- murder of Virginia Rappe by silent film comic Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle. Virginia Rappe's name is a variation on "virgin rape." The rape of a virgin is an important alchemical sex-magic rite.

I apologize for throwing all of this information at you in such a relatively short amount of time. Downard's writing takes lots of time to digest (to say the least). But allow me one last digression before I leave you:

Remember up top, when I alluded to the alchemical "third step" Downard predicted in almost all of his work--the act of MAKING MANIFEST ALL THAT IS HIDDEN? The historical event that would usher a New Dark Age (and/or enlightenment)? Remember?
Well, many have speculated that a very major tragedy in American history, a tragedy that the man himself didn't live to witness, served as completion of the Downardian Trinity...

Totally, bro

James Shelby Downard was indeed a weird guy--seen by many as a genius, a guru, a wizard--but most often, as a kook. I definitely count myself among those who think he may have been on to something huge and hidden. But then again, there are those who doubt he ever existed at all.

ATTENTION SHEEPLE!
The biggest news story of the year just broke, and chances are you haven't heard a goddamn thing about it. This is HUGE, nigh unto Earth-shattering. I want you to watch the following video very, very closely, for it holds the key to our collective future as a cohesive human civilization.
Behold:


PS: "Stanggressive" = "Stupid" + "Angry" + "Aggressive".

Now, I'm no friend of Alex Jones. I thought his infiltration of the Bohemian Grove Owl Orgies was pretty cool, but beyond that, his Limbaugh-esque demeanor and penchant for unneccesary shouting has kept me away. He's a douche, long story short, and, like fellow circus barker Glenn Beck, makes up for lack of substance with an overabundance of volume.

But HOLY SHIT has he blown this one wide open.

I'm sure we're all aware of the Bilderberg Group already, but the revelation that these power-hungry Illuminati overlords are controlled by multi-dimensional aliens via DMT vision-quests? Fucking Hell! Where's the CNN coverage? MSNBC? The Daily Show?
Anything?



Jones' assertation that Dimethyltryptamine hallucinations guide the major power decisions made by the ruling financial elite is nothing short of a total revelation for society as we know it, and the fact that mainstream media has ignored the story only strengthens its case. The shape-shifting DMT "machine elves" that Jones refers to in the above video are the true manipulators of all the major media outlets, after all, hence their total silence on the matter.

But let's take a minute to discuss these "elves". Originally popularized by psychedelic guru Terence McKenna (left), these multi-dimensional creatures choose to communicate via drugs like ayahuasca (which contains Dimethyltryptamine), and appear in the lore of many cultures accross the globe. Machine elves (also known as "fractal elves" or "self-transforming elf machines") are totally real, and their existence can be proven by the fact that they have a Wikipedia page.

Check out McKenna's description of the Fractal Elf/DMT experience from said page:

At about minute one or two of a DMT trip, according to McKenna, one may burst through a chrysanthemum-like mandala, and find:

There's a whole bunch of entities waiting on the other side, saying "How wonderful that you're here! You come so rarely! We're so delighted to see you!"
They're like jewelled self-dribbling basketballs and there are many of them and they come pounding toward you and they will stop in front of you and vibrate, but then they do a very disconcerting thing, which is they jump into your body and then they jump back out again and the whole thing is going on in a high-speed mode where you're being presented with thousands of details per second and you can't get a hold on [them ...] and these things are saying "Don't give in to astonishment", which is exactly what you want to do. You want to go nuts with how crazy this is, and they say "Don't do that. Pay attention to what we're doing".



What they're doing is making objects with their voices, singing structures into existence. They offer things to you, saying "Look at this! Look at this!" and as your attention goes towards these objects you realise that what you're being shown is impossible. It's not simply intricate, beautiful and hard to manufacture, it's impossible to make these things. The nearest analogy would be the Fabergé eggs, but these things are like the toys that are scattered around the nursery inside a U.F.O., celestial toys, and the toys themselves appear to be somehow alive and can sing other objects into existence, so what's happening is this proliferation of elf gifts, which are moving around singing, and they are saying "Do what we are doing" and they are very insistent, and they say "Do it! Do it! Do it!" and you feel like a bubble inside your body beginning to move up toward your mouth, and when it comes out it isn't sound, it's vision. You discover that you can pump "stuff" out of your mouth by singing, and they're urging you to do this. They say "That's it! That's it! Keep doing it!".

We're now at minute 4.5 [of the trip] and you speak in a kind of glossolalia. There is a spontaneous outpouring of syntax unaccompanied by what is normally called "meaning". After a minute or so of this the whole thing begins to collapse in on itself and they begin to physically move away from you. Usually their final shot is that they wave goodbye and say "Deja vu! Deja vu!".



From Terence McKennaLand: Terence McKenna (1946—2000) has been studying the ontological foundations of Shamanism and the Ethnopharmacology of spiritual transformation for the past quarter century. An innovative theoretician and spellbinding orator, Terence has emerged as a powerful voice for the psychedelic movement and the emergent societal tendency he calls The Archaic Revival. Poetically dispensing enlightened social criticism and new theories of the fractal dynamics of time, Terence deobfuscates many aspects of the visionary lexicon, and then some. As Artist Alex Grey suggests, "In the twilight of human history, McKenna's prescription for salvation is just so crazy it might work."

"Joe Rogan knows what I'm talking about."

Whoa. That's a whole SHITLOAD of information to process. First, that the existence of Fractal Elves is a very real and provable fact, but second (and most importantly), that said Elves are a MALEVOLENT, EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL ALIEN FORCE!
I can't say it's much of a surprise: as Mr. Jones said before, politicians often stumble about in a weird, zombie-like haze, and the fact that they are all tripping super fucking hard on DMT all the time explains quite a bit.
The wool has been pulled back, revealing what I think many of us suspected already: The Bilderberger/Illuminati/reptilians are high as shit on hallucinogens, communicating through channels undiscovered by modern science with malevolent robot elves. Fuck.



OF COURSE this is why the Bible forbids drug use! It all makes so much sense now!

1 Peter 5:8 - "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."

Galatians 5:19-21 - "Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God."

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."

Translation: "Don't trip on DMT, it will make you see the Fractal Elves that control the government, bro."

A simple equation:











^^^You.

So there you go. I am again forced into a grudging, mutual-respect-based stalemate with Alex Jones, based solely on his unwavering dedication to truth and justice. Illogical Contraption salutes you, Mr. Jones, and we pledge our allegiance to you in the upcoming battle with the Annunaki-reptilian/Fractal-based self-transforming elf machines. You have once again exposed The Man Behind The Curtain, and this time, when he approaches in the guise of a "jewelled self-dribbling basketball", we will see him for what he is: pure, unadulterated EVIL.

ALEX JONES: WINNING.

Oops. It appears I've fallen down another rabbit hole. Hopefully, like me, you're sick as Hell and laid up on your couch, because this is going to take awhile. It started with me looking for a few old cartoons on YouTube. Hours later, eyeballs dry and carpal tunnel setting in, I realized it would be a criminal act if I didn't share.
I honestly couldn't keep this list any shorter than 20 shows, running the entire gamut of my cartoon-watching career. You can get most of these on DVD now, which I highly recommend doing if you're a cynical old codger like me. All of these shows are still better than just about anything you can find on television these days, what a shame that the majority of them ran for only one season or less...
Oh well, kick back and enjoy a healthy dose of nostalgia with 'ol Uncle Cobras, and, as always, feel free to add your own favorites in the comments section...


ULYSSES 31 (1981-82)



"The plot line of the series, (made by the French Jean Chalopin), describes the struggles of Ulysses and his crew against the divine entities that rule the universe, the ancient gods from Greek mythology. The Gods of Olympus are angered when Ulysses, commander of the giant spaceship, Odyssey, kills the giant Cyclops to save a group of enslaved children, including his son. Zeus sentences Ulysses to travel the universe with his crew frozen until he finds the Kingdom of Hades, at which point his crew will be revived and he will be able to return to Earth. Along the way they encounter numerous other famous figures from Greek mythology given a futuristic twist."

I was a little too young for Saturday morning cartoons when Ulysses 31 first came out (only 2 or 3), but I remember thinking it was pretty badass when I discovered it at an older age. Probably one of the finest sci-fi interpretations of Greek mythology ever created outside of Dan Simmons' Ilium/Olympos...


DUNGEONS & DRAGONS (1983-85)



"The general premise of the show is that a group of children are pulled into the "Realm of Dungeons & Dragons" by taking a magical dark ride on an amusement park roller coaster. Invariably, the children try to return home, but often take detours to help people, or find that their fates are intertwined with the fate of others. Upon arriving in the Realm, the children are a little out of place, but the Dungeon Master, named for the referee in the role-playing game, assuming the role of their mentor, appears and gives them each clothing and magical paraphernalia to suit their abilities."

Some of my earliest cartoon-related memories are of this epic D&D tie-in, so old and foggy were my recollections that watching episodes recently nearly brought a tear to my eye. And how rad is it that the Yoda-esque wizard dude is literally named The Dungeon Master?


MIGHTY ORBOTS (1984)



"The 23rd Century, the future is a time of robots and aliens. The people of Earth have banded together along with several other peaceful alien races to promote peace throughout the galaxy, forming the United Planets. As part of the United Planets, the Galactic Patrol — a body of law-enforcers — works to maintain order, under the leadership of Commander Rondu. However, a powerful criminal organization called SHADOW is out to destroy both the Galactic Patrol and the U.P. Led by Umbra, a massive cyborg-computer, SHADOW employs sinister agents and incredible schemes to attack and someday rule over all corners of the known-galaxy. There is one thing that helps to fight against SHADOW: ingenious inventor Rob Simmons — secretly a member of the Galactic Patrol — creates six special robots who can use their unique powers to battle against the forces of Umbra. Together, these robots can unite to form a giant robot called Mighty Orbot, to fight for truth, justice and peace for all."

Pretty much just a Voltron rip-off, but still pretty spectacular in its own right...


POLE POSITION (1984)



"The show featured three young sibling crime fighters, two of whom were stunt drivers and part of a secret government operation under the guise of the "Pole Position Stunt Show" that was run by their uncle. The youths inherited the role after their parents died in an unfortunate car accident. The team is equipped with two high-tech talking vehicles named "Roadie" and "Wheels". The vehicles featured numerous hidden gadgets like water skis and hover jets. The vehicles' computers themselves are portable and can be removed from the dashboards and carried around using handles (thus they are often referred to as "the modules"). They are characters that appeared as computer-drawn faces displayed on video screens."

Again, many early cartoon memories swirl around this show as well, vivid scenes of Saturday mornings armed with naught but pajamas and a bowl of Cheerios...


JAYCE And The Wheeled Warriors (1985, syndicated 1989-91)



"The show featured two duelling forces. The "good guys" are humans, called the Lightning League. They drive white and silver vehicles with assorted weaponry, and are led by Jayce. The "bad guys" are organic green vegetable-based creatures called the Monster Minds, who tend to take the shape of black and green vehicles. They travel via large green organic vines which can grow in and across interstellar space, and sprout seeds that rapidly grow into further Monster Minds. They are led by Saw Boss."

This show just plain rules, always has and always will. The vehicles were awesome, the villains were awesome, the toy line was fucking kick-ass. How long until we see a Hollywood Jayce "re-imagining", you think?


GALTAR And The Golden Lance (1985)



"The series is about the mythical adventures of three companions: Galtar, Princess Goleeta, and her younger mind controlling brother, Zorn. Galtar, with the help of his Golden Lance, is fighting with Tormack, the tyrannical usurper of the kingdom of Bandisar who is conquering their entire world. Tormack is responsible for the death of both Galtar's parents and assassinating the rest of Goleeta and Zorn's family. Tormack, among others like him, covets the power of Galtar's supernatural weapon, the Golden Lance, in order to combine it with the stolen ancient and indestructible Sacred Shield, which rightfully belongs to Goleeta and Zorn. For whoever holds both cannot be brought down in any form of combat. Also aiding Galtar and his friends are his loyal horse, Thork and the powerful red dragon known as Raven's Claw. Further hindrances (plus comic relief) to this trio comes from inept father and son mercenaries Rak & Tuk, who have a history of double crossing others at every turn, claiming that it is the only work they know."

Kind of a weird and obscure one, Galtar bit He-Man pretty hard, but the plain and honest truth is that this show was better drawn and had way cooler story lines. And no Orko.


M.A.S.K. (1985-86)



"A total of 75 syndicated episodes of 'M.A.S.K.' were broadcast from 1985 to 1986. One of many cartoons produced during the 1980s as a vehicle for toy merchandising, 'M.A.S.K.' (which is an acronym for the Mobile Armored Strike Kommand), was a hybrid of popular era cartoons 'G.I. Joe' and 'The Transformers'. It featured a special task force featuring an array of characters, led by Matt Trakker, with transforming vehicles engaged in an ongoing battle against the criminal organization V.E.N.O.M. (an acronym for the Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem), with an emphasis on super-powered helmets called masks worn by the characters on the show."

All about the toy line and comic book on this one. Sure, the cartoon was pretty great too, but the little tools, helmets, and weapons that the action figures came with? Forget about it.


CHUCK NORRIS: Karate Kommandos (1986)

(Seriously, try to count how many times the announcer says "Chuck Norris" in this intro.)



"This fictionalized version of Norris is a United States government operative with a team of "radically diverse" warriors known as the Karate Kommandos. Together, they fight against the organization VULTURE led by The Claw and his right-hand man Super Ninja."

As far as I'm concerned, this was the high point of Mr. Norris' career. Well, this and Sidekicks , with Jonathan Brandis.


GALAXY HIGH (1986)



"Two earth teenagers who are accepted into the interstellar high school, Galaxy High School on the asteroid Flutor. The teenage boy, Doyle, was a skilled athlete and popular, while the teenage girl Aimee was shy and as the theme song states, "the smartest girl in school, not very popular, not very cool." But once in space their roles are somewhat reversed. The alien teenagers seem to accept the not so popular Aimee, while Doyle tends to rub the aliens the wrong way. Although Doyle finds himself an outcast and having difficulties adjusting, Aimee does not abandon him, and suggests he can make friends and bring glory to Galaxy High through his excellent sporting abilities, which he does by winning a championship in "psych-hockey", which Galaxy High always lost. The show drops many hints of a budding romance between Doyle and Aimee but was never given time to grow due to the show not being renewed for a second season."

I had totally forgotten about this one for several years, but Galaxy High was actually pretty cool. More on the 'comedy' side than the 'action-adventure' fare I usually enjoyed, but enough sci-fi was thrown in that it remained relevant to my interests.


SilverHawks (1986)



"Bionic policeman Commander Stargazer recruited the SilverHawks, heroes who are "partly metal, partly real," to fight the evil Mon*Star, an escaped alien mob boss who transforms into an enormous armor-plated creature with the aid of Limbo’s Moonstar. Joining Mon*Star in his villainy is an intergalactic mob: the snakelike Yessman, the blade-armed Buzz-Saw, the "bull"-headed Mumbo-Jumbo, weather controller Windhammer, shapeshifter Mo-Lec-U-Lar, robotic card shark Pokerface, weapons-heavy Hardware, and "the musical madness of" Melodia (uses a "keytar" that fires musical notes)."

How this amazing series only ran one season I'll never understand, especially since it came from the same creators as the hugely successful ThunderCats. The action figures were excellent as well.


The Adventures of The GALAXY RANGERS (1986-89)



"The show is set in the future, some time after the year 2086, when two aliens from the planets Andor and Kirwin travel to Earth to search for allies against the expansionist Crown Empire led by the Queen of the Crown. In return for the help, the two aliens gave mankind construction plans for a hyperdrive device. After this key event in human history, interstellar travel flourished and a huge number of colonies emerged in distant star-systems. Alongside the growth of human activities in space, criminal activities also grew, and the new colonies required defense against various threats, including the Crown Empire. A group known as "BETA" (Bureau for Extra-Terrestrial Affairs) was founded to cope with these tasks, with a "Ranger" division being a part of it."

The "animated space western" always seemed like a woefully under-explored sub-subgenre, but the fact that this lesser-known series actually stuck it out for three whole seasons lends it a little credence. This was quite simply a really creative, awesome show.


VISIONARIES: Knights of The Magical Light (1987)



"Set on the planet Prysmos, the Visionaries consist of two groups of knights — the Spectral Knights and the Darkling Lords. They are both called to for a competition by the wizard Merklynn. After surviving traps, dangerous creatures, and each other, the survivors on both sides are rewarded. Everyone of them is given a different animal totem which appears on the front of their armor, which they can turn into. The animals are selected by Merklynn based on their personalities."

I had a bunch of the action figures, but if memory serves, the vehicles were where it's at. The show was good too, I still have several episodes tucked away on VHS somewhere...


SPIRAL ZONE (1987)



"On June 18, 2007 renegade military scientist Dr. James Bent uses a hijacked space shuttle to drop his deadly Zone Generators across half of the Earth, a region called the Spiral Zone (due to its shape). Millions of people are trapped in the dark mists of the Spiral Zone and transformed into Zoners with lifeless yellow eyes and strange red patches on their faces. Because they have no will to resist, Bent - now known as Overlord - makes them his slave army and controls them from the Chrysler Building in New York City...
... With major cities Zoned, the nations of the world put aside their own differences in order to fight off the Black Widows. However, only five soldiers using special suits to protect themselves from the Zone could do it. While easy to destroy, Zone Generators were impossible to capture because of booby traps. Overlord would drop more generators on remaining military and civilian centers and force the Zone Riders into a standoff."

Dude. Epic post-apocalyptic zombie warfare. This was a cartoon that would give you fucking nightmares. I actually wouldn't mind seeing a movie version of this one. Christopher Walken as Overlord?


BraveStarr (1987)



"BraveStarr is an American space Western animated television series. The original episodes aired from September 1987 to February 1988 in syndication. It was created simultaneously with a collection of action figures. BraveStarr was the last animated series produced by Filmation and Group W Productions that was broadcast. "Bravo!", a spin-off series (originally called "Quest of the Prairie People") was in production along with "Bugzburg" when the studio closed down...
... Like many of Filmation's TV series (including 'He-Man and the Masters of the Universe', 'She-Ra: Princess of Power', 'Shazam', 'The Secret of Isis', and the animated 'Ghostbusters'), a moral lesson is told at the end of each episode. One particularly notable episode is "The Price," in which a boy buys a drug called "spin," a hallucinogen similar to LSD, becomes addicted to it, and dies from an overdose."

I remember the toys for this show being really awesome as well, although I don't recollect ever owning any. That bipedal, anthropomorphic horse always freaked me out, though...


DINOSAUCERS (1987-88)



"The show follows the Dinosaucers and their battles against the evil Tyrannos. Each group is composed of intelligent anthropomorphic dinosaurs or other prehistoric reptilian species. The Dinosaucers are also allied with four humans known as the Secret Scouts. The two groups originally come from a planet in a counter-Earth orbit known as Reptilon. Most of the characters are named after the type of prehistoric animal they are based on, or some pun of the name."

Great show, but I never really got a handle on the name. DinoSAUCERS? Really?


DINO RIDERS (1988)



"The series focuses on the battle between the good Valorians and evil Rulons on prehistoric Earth. The Valorians were a super human race, whilst the Rulons were a mixture of humanoid creatures — both of which came from the future, however ended up transported back in time to the age of Dinosaurs. Once on Earth, the Valorians befriended dinosaurs whilst the Rulons brain-washed them."

Hands down, BEST ALSO-RAN 80'S CARTOON EVER. The concept alone sold me, but the episodes themselves live up to the hype. Mechanized warrior dinosaurs? Where do I sign up?


C.O.P.S. (1988-89)



"The year: 2020. The place: Empire City. The situation: Brandon “Big Boss” Babel (along with his gang of crooks) is holding the entire city under the palm of his iron hand and the Empire City Police Department can do nothing to stop him. As a last resort, Mayor Davis sends in Special Agent Baldwin P. Vess (Codename: Bulletproof) to take him down. However, Bulletproof suffered very serious injuries in a car wreck during a fight with Big Boss' criminal henchmen and had to be taken to the hospital, where he is given a cybernetic bullet-resistant torso to save his life as it would take years for his torso to recover."

Better than the other COPS and killer action figures to boot!


VYTOR: The Starfire Champion (1989)



"Armed with the magic shield Vytor, along with the beautiful Skyla and his friends, battle Myzor Sarcophogus for the Starfire Ring and try to recover the Saturn Orb."

Probably the most obscure cartoon on this list, Vytor was nonetheless amazing, and can be found on DVD in modern times. The video up there just captures such a sense of wonder, of all-encompassing nostalgia... Man, I miss you, Vytor.


CAPTAIN N: The Game Master (1989-91)



"At the outset of the first episode the hero of the series, Kevin Keene, a teenager from the Northridge, Los Angeles, California, and his dog, Duke, are taken to another universe known as Videoland when they are sucked into a vortex, called the Ultimate Warp Zone, that formed in his television. In order to fulfill an ancient prophecy Kevin is destined to become the hero "Captain N: The Game Master" and save Videoland from evil forces, led by Mother Brain from the floating world/fortress called Metroid. By the time Kevin arrives on the scene, Mother Brain has almost succeeded in capturing the Palace of Power and conquering all Videoland."

It was like playing Nintendo without the hassle of actually using your hand muscles! Or brain! Genius!


THE PIRATES OF DARK WATER (1991-93)

(No embeddable versions of the intro on YouTube, enjoy a "fan trailer" instead.)



"The Pirates of Dark Water is a fantasy animated series produced by Hanna-Barbera in 1991. The series followed a group of adventurers on a quest to collect the Thirteen Treasures of Rule, which possessed the combined power to stop an evil substance known as "Dark Water" from consuming the alien world of Mer."

By the time Pirates of Dark Water came out, I was just about grown out of my cartoon phase, moving on to other useless pursuits like girls and sports. But it was still an excellent show, a guilty pleasure for a young teenager unable to abandon his childhood outright. Plus, the female protagonist? BABE CENTRAL.