For the record, Apocryphon's mini-tour a week and a half ago was excellent, and contained many a highlight (most of which cannot be discussed publicly). But what was most likely the high point of our epic four-day journey was our quick overnighter at the abode of the internet's own Jaime Glen Danzig, who, with the help (coercion?) of his dear lady-friend Erin, showed us not only peak levels of hospitality and friendliness (a tall order considering our obnoxious drunkenness), but fed us, bathed us, gave us a warm place to sleep, and let us harass their pets (Billie deserved it for peeing on my face). Pretty crazy considering it was the first time JGD and I ever met face-to-face, but, in his words, "it's become clear that he's obviously just some cast-off mutant sibling of mine, complete with many of the same hopes, dreams, and death metal shirts." I heartily concur.


Above: Apocryphon performing LIVE at Slabtown, Portland, OR, June 29th, 2012

So what's the best way to repay such unmatched kindness? Gifts? Money? Good vibes?
Not for me. I choose to take the high road, and by the "high road" I mean publicly shaming Jaime in the most terrible and demeaning way possible.
Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to the Living Doorway/Illogical Contraption One-Month Fit Club Challenge 2012.




Mesmerizing

The spoils: Winner (Cobras) designs a header that the loser (JGD) has to use on his blog for 2 weeks. No protest or arguments tolerated. The weigh-ins have already taken place, and the "before" pictures snapped (these may or may not be posted in August, depending on the condition of our respective doughy torsos/egos at the end of this competition). All that's left now: PAIN.
May the best man (me) win.

Some interesting speculation via JGD's post about Adramalech on The Living Doorway yesterday:

"Since 90% of The Living Doorway's traffic comes from our 'tarded pals over at Illogical Contraption, I'm sure you've noticed by now that Shelby has turned into some corporate shill and doesn't have time to post anymore. Or maybe he's just in jail or something. I don't know. But he's totally MIA and it's important that someone step in to provide the world with more Finnish death metal from the 1990's, at least until he finally gets fired for gross misconduct (or released on his own recognisance) and can start posting again."

Jaime then goes on to confusingly hawk products for my band, which is a) totally appreciated and b) only partially solicited:

"... head over to Apocryphon's OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE PAGE for some back-to-school shopping. It's the least you can do to help build Shelby's new corporate empire... or whatever the fuck he's doing lately.

RIP Cobras."

Wow. First off, I wholly resent the insinuation that I have died, as, to quote Mark Twain, "rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated". While the illusion of human existence can be confusing and mystical, I am, in fact, at least 85-90% sure that I am still a resident of the material plane of Earthly being. I am not dead. Just busy.
But second (and more maddening) is the suggestion that I have become some sort of "corporate shill", as if I had a commercial-minded bone in my body. Come on, Jaime. You know me better than that.
While it is true that I may or may not be starting some sort of new phase in my employment, I can neither confirm nor deny at this point that it is in any way a "corporate" power grab and/or a monumental increase in both my annual income and social status. This type of speculation is 100% unconfirmed (at this point) and only partially fueled by extensive media coverage. To wit, I give you the banner headline from a recent Huffington Post article:



I know, I know: the rumors have been rampant for the last couple days, and even though I am forbidden from speaking about the current terms of my employment and/or "CEO status" (their words), I will acknowledge that big wheels are turning. I alluded to such things a few posts ago, and not to be overly cryptic or anything, but FRUITion has arrived. Not that I can confirm anything or whatever. It's all just crazy speculation. Crazy, rampant speculation.

Shame on you, JGD, for stirring up all these silly rumors. It was an enormous breach of our conceptual, digital friendship, and we both know that it is WAY too early to talk about my (purportedly) upcoming ventures into the public spotlight. You know I can't talk about these things yet.
But what I CAN do is share a simple photo with you all. Interpret it as you will:

Hmmm....


Anyway, here is some super-top-notch deathened black metal from Temecula, CA circa 1997. This album absolutely DESTROYS.

DRACONIS - Overlords of The Greying Dawn

dl: Unseen Reflections of Interdimensional Transfixions

Metallum/Last.FM

Sup bros?

I know it's been awhile since I've had a minute to post on IC (I've been working 80 hour weeks, assholes, cut me a break), but the time has come to end my silence with the most important news imaginable:

Apocryphon's OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE PAGE is now online.


I know you clowns are just dying to send me your money, so go over there and get yourself a CD or a T-shirt (or both!).

I mean, just look at that thing! A high-quality cotton T-shirt bearing the infamous design created by our very own IC uber-bro Farron Loathing--for only 12 dollars (plus S&H)?!?!?!
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!?!

Not to mention the lovingly-crafted, hand-numbered, wooden-box-twine-bound-hand-sewn limited edition CDs we're selling (for ONLY $7!!!). Brother Peter designed and built only 100 of these babies, and they're really going fast. Check this shit out:



Now that's quality craftmanship right there.

Go buy our stuff. We'll have even more of it soon.

In other news, we now have an Encyclopaedia Metallum page as well, along with our old Last.FM, Facebook, and Bandcamp (where you can download our debut EP for free or name your price).

PS: Speaking of shameless, incessant self-promotion, DALTON's "comeback" show is at the Elbo Room in SF tonight with Winter Teeth and The Corruptors. Go to that also.

Question: Who writes the algorithms for the Netflix "suggestion" system? I'll admit, I got bored one day and rated the shit out of a bunch of movies on Netflix (see below), hoping that it would cause the inner workings of the 'Flix to spew forth a cavalcade of obscure, awesome films for my perusal, but sadly, it has had quite the opposite effect.

Observe this recent interaction between myself and the Netflix "system":

INCOMING SUGGESTIONS:



Okay, cool. These all look like good movies. But one question, Netflix: why are they ALL based on my enjoyment of the same three films? I mean, yeah, 2001, Brazil, and Blue Velvet are all awesome, but I'm not gonna base my ENTIRE movie diet around JUST those three movies, right? What else ya got?





OK, OK. Maybe I haven't made myself entirely clear: Again, all of these movie suggestions are based on my 'enjoyment' of Blue Velvet and Clockwork Orange, but c'mon now, I've 'rated' over 2200 movies here, what else have you got?


Fucking Hell, Netflix. Again, we're back to Square One here. Blue Velvet, 2001, and Brazil are NOT the only movies in the world. I've given you so much, can't you just give me a little bit back?





Jesus fucking Christ. We've been through this already...
2200 movies. MIX IT UP a little, eh?!?!


NO.

WRONG.

Game over, Netflix. Put in another quarter.



OK, Netflix, you've made a little progress, but please note: EVERY MOVIE you've EVER recommended to me has been based, in part, on my 'enjoyment' of Blue Velvet. Yes, I DO like Blue Velvet. But that doesn't mean that EVERY movie I EVER see from now on needs to be similar to that film. Are we clear?


Apparently, we are not.

HOLY SHIT! A recommendation NOT based on my enjoyment of Blue Velvet! I've made contact! NETFLIX, IT'S ME, COBRAS! Can we move forward now?!?!?




Never mind, Netflix.

I think maybe we should see other people.


Editor's note: All screencaps were taken directly from only the FIRST page of my Netflix "suggestions" section. If any 'Flix algorithm-writers are reading this: WTF BRO?


'My Netflix Suggestions System Is A Lazy Twat' is the first in a series of posts documenting the "FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS" endured by the creators of the Illogical Contraption blog. Stay tuned for more whine and cheese in the near future!

Last week's GUITARS ARE STUPID post inspired both disbelief and revulsion amongst readers of this blog, although, unbeknownst to all of you, it took very little work or research to create. The internet is virtually overflowing with pictures of stupid guitars, and, as proof, I offer 100 more today, to shock, horrify, and annoy...

For starters, many of you were creeped out by that scantily-clad mannequin guitar from the last post, so here's a different version--sporting legwarmers and a few more square inches of clothing, so as not to offend your delicate sensibilities:


Excellent. Now that we've got all that out of the way...




































































































I could go on and on and on and on and on....