- THURSDAY, MARCH 21ST, @ DNA LOUNGE, SAN FRANCISCO
W/ LANDMINE MARATHON
MAN AMONG WOLVES
AT OUR HEELS

- FRIDAY, MARCH 29TH, @ ON THE Y, SACRAMENTO
W/ FACINOROUS
FIENDS AT FEAST
EMBODIED TORMENT
FALL OF MAN

- SATURDAY, MARCH 30TH @ JOHNNY V'S, SAN JOSE
W/ CYANIC
FIENDS AT FEAST
+1 MORE TBA

- FRIDAY, APRIL 12TH @ HEMLOCK, SAN FRANCISCO
W/ HAZZARD'S CURE
NECROT

- FRIDAY, APRIL 26TH-SATURDAY, APRIL 27TH: "FESTUM CARNIS", SODA SPRINGS, CA
W/ ABSU (!!!)
GRAVEHILL/WITCHAVEN/NOCTURNAL FEAR
NUCLEAR DESECRATION/VALDUR/HELLHUNTER
BADR VOGU/MINENWERFER/ROTTEN FUNERAL
NIGHT NURSE/BLACK FUCKING CANCER/HUMAN FILTH
VILE MASS/CYANIC/BLASPHEMOUS CREATION
TEMPLE OF DAGON/MALEFICUS/HELLBOMBER
HEMOTOXIN/XENOTAPH/DEMON SEED
VALLEY OF THORNS/ARCHEA/ More TBA...

- THURSDAY, MAY 2ND @ THE SHANTY, EUREKA, CA
W/ BANDS TBA

- FRIDAY, MAY 3RD IN SEATTLE, WA
VENUE AND BANDS TBA

- SATURDAY, MAY 4TH @ ASH STREET SALOON, PORTLAND, OR
W/ BANDS TBA

Split album (+ vinyl!) and new shirts on the way soon! Catch updates via Apocryphon's Facebook page...


PS: ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION IS NOT DEAD. Complete re-design and re-launch coming in the very near future! Any and all brogrammers, artists, writers, or other assorted freaks looking to toil under the IllCon banner for little or no reward (especially brogrammers) write to Cobras at illogicalcontraption(at)yahoo(dot)com. ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU OBEY ME AND I WILL BE YOUR SLAVE.

For the record, Apocryphon's mini-tour a week and a half ago was excellent, and contained many a highlight (most of which cannot be discussed publicly). But what was most likely the high point of our epic four-day journey was our quick overnighter at the abode of the internet's own Jaime Glen Danzig, who, with the help (coercion?) of his dear lady-friend Erin, showed us not only peak levels of hospitality and friendliness (a tall order considering our obnoxious drunkenness), but fed us, bathed us, gave us a warm place to sleep, and let us harass their pets (Billie deserved it for peeing on my face). Pretty crazy considering it was the first time JGD and I ever met face-to-face, but, in his words, "it's become clear that he's obviously just some cast-off mutant sibling of mine, complete with many of the same hopes, dreams, and death metal shirts." I heartily concur.


Above: Apocryphon performing LIVE at Slabtown, Portland, OR, June 29th, 2012

So what's the best way to repay such unmatched kindness? Gifts? Money? Good vibes?
Not for me. I choose to take the high road, and by the "high road" I mean publicly shaming Jaime in the most terrible and demeaning way possible.
Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to the Living Doorway/Illogical Contraption One-Month Fit Club Challenge 2012.




Mesmerizing

The spoils: Winner (Cobras) designs a header that the loser (JGD) has to use on his blog for 2 weeks. No protest or arguments tolerated. The weigh-ins have already taken place, and the "before" pictures snapped (these may or may not be posted in August, depending on the condition of our respective doughy torsos/egos at the end of this competition). All that's left now: PAIN.
May the best man (me) win.

ATTENTION, ASSHOLES:




If you dwell in the Pacific Northwest, your attendance is MANDATORY at any of the three "heavy metal concerts" listed above. Mention the code word "Mantlers" and be bought a drink by our extremely wealthy drummer! Don't miss out! We are surprisingly genial and well-mannered dudes!
Let's rock and/or roll!

LOOK


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Apocryphon will also be playing in Santa Rosa Saturday, June 23rd. Details forthcoming. And let's not forget:


ILLCON RADIO RETURNS TO THE AIRWAVES AT 10PM TONIGHT RIGHT HERE. WE HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS. WE MIGHT HAVE A GUEST OR TWO. WE WILL EAT CHIPS AND AL WILL GET DRUNK. SUBSCRIBE ON ITUNES PLEASE. ALSO CALL US AT 415-829-2980. THANK YOU.

I'm way too busy for such shenanigans, what with all my sweet guest appearances on heavy-metal-and-conspiracy-themed podcasts (OH HEY, did I mention that the "Illogical Conspiracy" episode of Metal Injection's Hand Ov Doom--featuring Yours Truly--is up now?), tours, forays in the IllCon clothing line, and the impending move from SF to Oakland... Shit, I've hardly got time to brush my teeth, much less accompany Extraterrestrial Nic Cage on his next adventure through the catacombs of subterranean Washington, D.C., searching for hidden messages in the text of ancient documents.

But long story short: The Apocryphon show in Arcata (Vallejo got cancelled--long story) was a fucking blast (see photos below for evidence), and thanks to all the die-hards who showed up. Dates are solid on our next Northwest tour, more on that in a second.

Now is the part where I devolve into an extended period of shameless self-promotion. Apologies in advance:

THIS SUNDAY, APRIL 29TH @ HEMLOCK, SF:

PRIZE HOG

APOCRYPHON

and motherfucking AUTHOR AND PUNISHER! Get a load of what this guy is all about:

What a freak.

Then, the following Friday, @ The First Church of The Buzzard in Oakland:

THE HAUNTING PRESENCE

Then the mighty DALTON has a show at an art opening for our pal Ben Venom (remember him?) at Guerrero Gallery in SF with our bros Hazzard's Cure on June 9th.

Then Dalton is playing an epic "Rock and Roll Bro-B-Q/Fucking In Tents Fest" camp-out type thing in Half Moon Bay with Total BS (they're a Bob Seger cover band), Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers (they're a Zed Zed Topp cover band), Chablis, Bar Fight, and Girl Problems on June 16th. We might even get a mechanical bull for this one. Seriously.

Then Apocryphon is playing in Eureka Thursday, June 28th (local bands and venue TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing at Slabtown in Portland Friday, June 29th (local bands TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing The Kraken (formerly Galway Arms) in Seattle Saturday, June 30th (local bands TBA).

And then...

"unfortunately terms like 'tin foil hats' may be amusing but serve the purpose to discredit conspiracies before fact 1 has even been looked at. Well done for being patronising (sacracsm)"

After a decade of bitter infighting and rancour between two ideologically polarized camps within ICHQ, I am delighted to announce the grand opening of IllCon East, a new subdivision of IC Enterprises which is charged with ensuring East Coast considerations are factored into decision-making around marketing, product development, and systems change. This venture comes on the coattails of a debate that has been percolating beneath the surface of everyday business and has made working alongside one another no longer possible. I now present to you IllCon East's mission statement:

FUCK YOU, WEST COAST

Here on the East Coast, being metal is a fucking chore. You have to work at it. If you're a metalhead and come from anywhere East of Sanford Parker's fiefdom, Ohio, you're already handicapped. You're fucked. You have to ship in all your bullet belts and patches from El Salvador. Out on the West Coast every other day Wormrot is playing in LA, fucking Brocas Helm is playing Gilman or whatever it's called, blah fucking blah.


I was just talking to These a Beast, who lives in Jersey, about what shows we'd been to recently and it was downright scornful. The only show either of has had been to in the last month was the same goddamn show, one night apart from each other. Granted, it was Inquisition, and they fucking killed, but still. West Coast's got the labels, the communal groundswell, the bands, the venues, AND legal kush. It's like the metal is being handed to you on a silver plate; all you need to do is MOSH.

And don't get me started on Black Metal. How do you have all these awesome goddamn black metal bands on the West Coast? What do YOU know about Black Metal? Any 'banger worth his Nargaroth back patch knows Black Metal is all about winter, midnight vision quests through frost-choked ravines, taking your shirt off, and takin' a pic for the album cover. What does the West Coast know about winter? Where I'm from we're living an Immortal album 30% of the entire year while your metal bands are playing flutes around the bonfire, fucking celebrating the harvest, and yukking it up over a sack of northern lights.

(Speaking of New Jersey, that's probably the most metal places on the planet ain't it? Fuck sylven forests of primordial hardwoods and awe-inspiring ocean vistas, forget Norway...New Fucking Jersey man. It's basically built on top of toxic sludge and car parts. Anyone who elects to live there voluntarily earns their spike cuffs automatically.)

Now, I'm not saying we're completely infallible. In fact, we owe you a couple of apologies: namely Liturgy, the whole Savannah/Atlanta thing (seriously, what the fuck is up with the whole Kylesa/Baroness/Mastodon scene? can someone fill me in plz thx). We MIGHT be single-handedly responsible for metalcore also, now that I think about it. Whoops lol. I hereby apologise for all our past transgressions.

So anyway, yeah, this:

EAST COAST
trve

I rest my case.

You are cordially invited to the ceremonial ribbon cutting of the brand-new, 230 acre IllCon East campus, featuring an exclusive Evoken and Cannibal Corpse showcase*, and we will vote on IllCon East's new charter. I hereby lay down the gauntlet, West Coast pussies. The metal world is overdue for a good beef with all the trimmings, don't you think? Infantile posturing in album intros, threats of violence via YouTube, all that. How great would that be? Minus the assassinations, Varg.

FUCK YOU, WEST COAST.

Shelby Cobras photographed circa May 16, 2011, at ICHQ.

Man, shit is hectic over here. But not in a bad way.
If you live in the Bay Area, there are a whole shitload of epic, IllCon-endorsed metal shows coming your way soon. If you don't live in the Bay Area, I pity you and your sad, non-flash-mobbed, non-Frat-Halloween-vomit-covered existence. Man, your life sucks.

But anyways: METAL SHOWS.


Here at IC, we are big fans of both Lightning Swords of Death and Midnight. Lucky for us, we will be seeing them both perform tonight at The Elbo Room in SF, alongside Archons and Saviours. If you don't live in our neck of the woods, I guess your life doesn't suck THAT bad--as long as you live in Seattle, Portland, or Arcata. The 7-day-only tour will be hitting up those cities next before turning around and heading home....

Coming up this Wednesday, also at The Elbo Room....


OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT

Then, on Friday, we have the long-awaited second performance of the beloved and much-ballyhooed APOCRYPHON, whose demo (not to mention T-shirts, designed by Lightning Swords frontman and IC uberBro Farron Loathing) will be available within the month.
Also performing: Teenage(ish) weird-metallers FABRICANT, Oregon's RYE WOLVES, and 2-piece artso mindfuckers JACKAL FLEECE. Oakland style.

Join us.


Now, I realize that advertising any shows after May 21st, 2011 is a futile endeavor, as we are all doomed to be cast down into the flaming pit for an eternity of agonizing tortures of the mind and flesh on that day (PS IllCon-approved barbeque at Casa Cobras too! Come by and enjoy ribs 'n' rapture!), but I'd like to mention one more post-apocalyptic show before I split, namely this one:


IC Bro Luis (drummer from FEAST) put this one together, and while I can't claim that I've heard every band on the bill, I can fully endorse both Feast and ARKAIK, who were featured on one of my very own Non-Mixtapes right back here.
Check out the other bands as such: Fallujah. Malevolent. Decimatus. Burning At The Stake.

So yeah, go to all these shows or be revealed as FALSE.