Steve Does Comics

At last it's the end of the Celestial Madonna Saga. Soon I shall be free to drivel on about whatever it is I want to drivel about next.

But first, with such an event, I think we can take it for granted Marvel'll have pulled out all the stops to make sure such a tale's special, using the finest creators to produce a truly landmark issue that people'll speak of in hushed whispers forever.

And so it is that when we open the book, we find Giant Size Avengers #4's guest artist is...

...Don Heck.

Now, as long-suffering readers of this blog'll know, I'm open-minded on the subject of Don Heck. I quite like his early Iron Man and Avengers work, and I like his work on Sub-Mariner #68.

But sadly not all his art was of that standard and there were times when trying to read a comic drawn by him could be a painful experience.

This is one of those times. It simply looks dreadful. How much of that's down to Heck and how much is down to John Tartag(lione), whose inking here can only be labelled primitive, is hard to say but either way the final effect is terrible. In places it genuinely looks like the thing's been drawn by someone who was just randomly dragged in off the street.

Still, as we all know, pretty pictures are only part of a comic book, and a great story might yet overcome ugly graphics.

It turns out that story has an awful lot to pack in.

Diverted from his travellings through time, the Vision finds himself in what I take to be the centre of the Earth where he discovers Dormammu and Umar have captured the Scarlet Witch and're up to their usual out-to-take-over-the-world mischief. The Vision soon sees off Dormammu's underlings but looks like he's going to come a cropper when the Witch, under Dormammu's control, drains him of all power. Happily the sight of her BF dying brings the Witch to her senses and she sorts out Dormammu with an almost bathetic ease before she and the Vizh head off to Vietnam to rejoin the rest of the gang.

While all this has been going on, the rest of that gang have been exposited-up senseless as writer Steve Englehart tries to tie up all loose ends.

So we get the final threads of explanation that Moondragon and Mantis were both raised as potential Celestial Madonnas but, of the two, the more in-touch-with-reality Mantis has been chosen. Then at least three different version of Kang show up to cause trouble before a final Kang appears and kidnaps Mantis, who then turns out not to be Mantis but the Space Phantom in disguise. Kang out of the way, Mantis is now free to marry a tree and fulfil her destiny - but not before the Vision and Scarlet Witch arrive and say they want to make it a joint wedding. So Immortus does the honours, Mantis and her new tree-husband become beings of pure thought, and everyone lives happily ever after - except Kang who's presumably now stuck with the Space Phantom for a girlfriend from now on.

The thing that strikes you about the story is how over-crammed it feels as Steve Englehart seems determined to throw in everything including the kitchen sink. We even get the return of the Titanic Three. I suppose some of it's unavoidable; he had to finish off the Scarlet Witch sub-plot that'd been rumbling on for several issues, in order that the Vision and the Witch could get married. Hence we need the intrusive and unwelcome Dormammu sub-plot that, apart from making Dormammu look feeble, really feels like it belongs in a different issue altogether.

Of course, the question has to be asked why did the Vision and the Witch have to be married this issue anyway? Wouldn't it have made more sense to have a later tale devoted to their wedding rather than having what should be a major event squeezed into Mantis' wedding story?

The multiple Kangs really do feel like overfilling the bucket, as does the arrival of the Space Phantom. By the point that he shows up, you're feeling it wouldn't be a surprise if even the Living Eraser put in an appearance.

I also wonder just how valid the Vision and Scarlet Witch's marriage is. I'm no expert on American law but does a wedding overseen by "the King of Limbo" really have any legal status in the US?

Being the rampant hard-line feminist (grrr) that I am, I also query the fact that, without ever being consulted, Mantis and Moondragon have been raised purely with an eye on them becoming a wife to a tree. You'd have thought it's something they might be a little offended to discover. Instead Moondragon seems offended only that she's not the one who's been chosen.

I also have to wonder about the ethics of Mantis' prospective tree-husband having resurrected and taken possession of the Swordsman's corpse to use as a kind of zombie for its purposes. There is such a thing as respecting the dead.

So, overall it's a disappointing end to the whole thing, with Steve Englehart simply trying to fit too much in for the good of the story, lapses of taste and a terrible art job.

The one thing I do like is the characterisation of Thor, from whom we get a fair bit of internal monologue as he ponders on the nature of mortality, godhood, the passage of time, leadership of the Avengers and no doubt a whole bunch more things I've forgotten about. I don't remember him ever being depicted as so thoughtful in his own mag and it's refreshing to see here.

Some might accuse me of lacking stamina but I must admit that, by this stage, Celestial Madonna Fatigue's starting to claim me. Still, at last, after twelve issues and over a month of posting, the end is finally in sight.

And for it we get a fresh new look. Most instalments of the seemingly endless epic have so far been drawn by either Sal Buscema/Joe Staton or Dave Cockrum but this issue's pencilled by George Tuska. I know Tuska's not the most popular of artists with everyone but I've always had a soft spot for him. His style's instantly recognisable, full of vigour and his story-telling's clear and efficient.

While it might be part of the Celestial Madonna storyline, the issue's focus is more on the Vision than on Mantis, as the red-faced battler discovers just how Ultron turned the Original Human Torch into him.

It turns out he did it with an awful lot of effort; first having to track down the Mad Thinker, then having to snatch the Torch from under the nose of the Silver Surfer and then having to find the Torch's creator Phineas T Horton to force him to make the necessary changes.

It's here we're told Ultron wants to create the Vision so he'll have a son, which I'm not sure is as pleasing an explanation as the original one that he was simply out to create an assassin to bump off the Avengers.

Regardless of that, it's a strange sight seeing the newly-activated Vision before he's had his memories wiped and therefore speaking and acting like the Original Human Torch. And, seeing him having his identity wiped by Ultron again raises the feeling I've touched on before that the Torch really was hard-done-to by Marvel's post-Golden Age writers.

While all this is happening, the rest of the Avengers are back in Vietnam, increasingly mystified by what's going down as they find themselves in conversation with Libra and the ghost of the Swordsman.

But it's not the origin of Mantis they get to hear. It's the origin of Moondragon who turns up and tells us that, as a girl, she was in a car attacked by Thanos' spaceship, only to be rescued by Mentor - ruler of Titan - and taken to his world for an upbringing noticeably similar to Mantis'.

If all this wasn't enough, back at the Avengers Mansion, Jarvis - alarmed by a sinister laugh coming from the Scarlet Witch's room, barges in to find it empty.

What can it all mean?

Only next issue - the concluding part of our saga - can tell.

As Mantis was always telling us, strength is as nothing beside skill.

But now it seems a bald head is as nothing beside a pair of antennae, because the sensational results are in from our sensational poll to discover which of Moondragon or Mantis you'd marry if you were a tree.

And the answer is...

...Mantis!

Yes, by a mighty eleven votes to five, you voted for the Vietnamese Vixen.

I must admit I voted that way too, mostly because she ran around barefoot and I like to think that if I were vegetation I'd prefer a woman who didn't clomp around in big nasty boots.

Poor old Moondragon. First passed over by the Cotati plant people, now passed over by you the reader. Is there to be no end to the poor girl's humiliation?

Still, at least she's taking it well.

Then again...

Oh pull yourself together woman. It's only a tree you've been rejected by. It's not like it's anyone classy.




PS. A great big Steve Does Comics No-Prize goes to the first person who can tell me which comic the picture of Moondragon crying comes from and the real reason she was blubbiing.

Those of us who were fans of harrowing World War Two drama series Allo Allo will remember the vital life-or-death storyline that involved The Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies. How we gasped as Herr Flick of the Gestapo tried to track down that painting.

But, of course, for comics fans there was a far more important Madonna than even her.

And that was the Celestial Madonna.

In yet another feat of masochistic madness, within the next few days Steve Does Comics is to launch a project that dwarfs even its review of the Kree/Skrull War, and begin the demanding process of reviewing every instalment of the Avengers epic that gave us the origin of the Vision, Agatha Harkness being abducted as possible breeding stock (!!!), and a woman with antennae marrying a talking tree.

In the meantime there's a bigger issue to be addressed.

All devoted Avengers readers'll know that at one point it was touch-and-go as to whether it'd be Mantis or Moondragon who'd nab the Celestial Madonna gig.

That's hardly surprising as they had much in common, most specifically a level of self-regard that'd make Brian Clough blush and a determination to cause ructions at every opportunity. So, the subject of our latest poll - to be found in the sidebar on this blog's starboard side - is; "If you were a talking tree, who would you rather marry; Mantis or Moondragon?"

Don't forget to vote. Remember, somewhere out there a randy tree may be depending on your answer.