Million Women Rise

This is a version of a speech I will be giving in Manchester on the 10th of October. It is for all my loyal supporters who cannot make me even more nervous by being there.

MILLION WOMEN RISE

I am speaking today as an exited prostituted woman. As I speak, I want you to be aware that the vast majority of prostituted women and girls are in the forefront of male violence. Only their day-to-day experiences of violence and degradation is made invisible by the sex trade.

This is done by re-naming their realities as just dirty work. This makes all their rapes, all their beatings, that they are in constant terror of sexual torture, and all their murders – all this is invisible. It is just the risk of the job.

Well, I am sick of being told it is just a nasty job, but someone has to do it. Would you do it.

Place yourself inside that job. Would you want your body used and abused by countless faceless men. Would it be ok if your body is made into a fuckable commodity. Are you ok with being throwaway goods.

It makes no difference if you are a street prostitute or a highly paid escort – if you are long-term in the sex trade, you will be made into a sub-human. Your only purpose is to be there for any and all male sexual wants.

Remember that no prostituted woman or girl can have no control over how a punter treats her. It is his choice how violent he wants to be.

Know that the sex trade provides whatever porn fantasy that the punter has. They will force new porn at him, it will bring in more cash. It is up to the prostitute to become living porn for the punter – her safety and mental welfare is of no importance.

Imagine that.

Imagine being a street prostitute, who is beaten up or thrown out of a moving car – for the punter cannot be bothered to pay.

Imagine being a highly paid escort, who is raped, beaten and sexually tortured. All this for the punter believes he owns her, his money has given him that privilege. He knows that everything he does is hidden behind closed doors – the sex trade will clean up its own mess.

Imagine being a lap-dancer, who is doing extras, that is paid sex for special customers – doing it to earn enough to live on.

Imagine being an under-aged prostitute who is dead before she is alive.

Know what the sex trade wants to keep hidden.

Know it not just about trafficking between countries. Know internal trafficking may be happening to women and girls on your street, you may have sat next to trafficked women or girls on the bus or train.

Do not just have shock and horror about under-aged prostituted girls – but when the same girls turn 16 or 18 make out they have chosen their lifestyle – and by magic, become empowered prostituted women.

Do not be fooled by the push to legalise prostitution, and to place it into regulated brothels – that that would do anything for the safety and dignity of prostituted women and girls.

How can any woman or girl be safe or have pride, when all she is is fuck-goods for any and all men.

No alarms, no supply of condoms, no bodyguards, no list of bad punters can protect her from sexual violence or murder.

You can be raped in less than 30 seconds, you also can be murdered in less than 30 seconds.

I worked for many years indoors, and I can tell you that the profiteers of the sex trade don’t give a damn about the safety and mental welfare of the prostituted. But they are very good at giving an outward show of being caring.

There is a way to giving back hope and dignity to prostituted women and girls. It is to decriminalise those who are prostituted and provide them with access to specialise exiting schemes. It is to fully prosecute the men that make the choice to buy the prostituted. It is to fully punish all the profiteers of the sex trade.

No man should have the right to buy and sell women and girls, just for something as unimportant as a sexual want.

We must believe and fight for abolition of the sex trade as our long-term goal.

To do otherwise is to leave prostituted women and girls inside a system of genocide. Only the sex trade makes this genocide invisible, by continually replacing the goods.

My Middle

I thought I was happy.

Could not know otherwise, I made everything good – made every man a gentleman, every exchange a coincidence.

I did know my own truth.

I saw marks round my neck, so I stopped looking in mirrors.

I wore polo-necks.

I made myself happy.

I was happy as I drunk myself close to death.

Forgetting that I was drinking as a painkiller – killing anal rape, killing gang-rapes, killing knowing being a porn-toy.

But

No drink was ever enough to fully destroy the pain.

I made myself be happy.

I knew how to smile.

Smile as managers move round to yet more violence.

Smile as fear, pain and hell was my everything.

I smile towards my own living death.

I was so happy, I advertise my joy.

With dead anger I challenge anyone to condemn me.

I fucked men, I used men, I got money, I was treated as a princess.

I ignored my cunt screaming, ignored my anus in agony, ignored cuts and bruises on my body.

By god – I was the happy hooker and be proud of that.

Only

The silent screaming knows I was lying.

Lying in order to stay alive.

Fifty Reasons to Grieve

I am deep grief at the moment – for a few months now.

This post is a stream of consciousness of the strength of my grief, and how it is a strong part of me that will bring about real change.

1. I grieve that I lost my childhood.

2. I grieve that I did not know how to be a teenager – I had no time or safety to have angst, I could not rebel without terror wiping it out.

3. I grieve for all women and girls I saw in hard-core porn. I saw that their pain was real, I saw that their fear was real terror.

4. I grieve for the smiling in those images – for I came to be inside that smile.

5. I grieve that I was numb to being alive before I was inside the sex trade.

6. I grieve that the profiteers make their money through girls and women who were dead like me.

7. I grieve that the men who buy us, look at us in club, view us in photos and films – see that deadness, and just didn’t care, or it is part of the thrill.

8. I grieve that society turn a blind eye on our deadness.

9. I grieve that violence is the norm is all aspects of the sex trade – no matter if done for sweets or thousands of pounds.

10. I grieve that so many artificial divisions are made to make that violence invisible.

11. I grieve that the same under-aged prostituted girl who is seen as shocking and sad, is suddenly made empowered by hitting 16 or 18. Suddenly the adult prostitute is made invisible.

12. I grieve that most internal trafficking is made into free choice or just some kind of bad luck.

13. I grieve that too many make external trafficking for male sexual wants and greed, is just a question of logistics and economics – hell, it just part of some free market.

14. I grieve that just coz a woman gets lots of money, that it is assumed she will never be raped, never battered, never made into a porn-toy – and never murdered.

15. I grieve that men can pay young girls in sweets, or just the illusion of affection.

16. I grieve that even when it may to be chosen – when no woman or girl can control if the profiteer or buyer will use violence, will degrade her, will take her image in private only to make profit in public, will use her and then throw her away.

17. I grieve that these divisions are made to make too many women and girls in the sex trade not count as full human being.

18. I grieve that indoors prostitution is made out to be safe, the “perfect” way for men to buy women and girls without having messy emotions like guilt and shame.

19. I grieve that behind closed doors prostituted women and girls are beaten, are sexually tortured, are made to smile endlessly – and are more often than not are living with the terror of being killed.

20. I grieve that with the illusions of security, of having condoms, of cameras, of alarms, of managers saying they put their girls’ welfare first – that the authorities and too many of the public are conned into believing indoors prostitution is a good thing.

21. I grieve that I know how fast you can rape a woman or girl in the sex trade, how fast you can murder her – she is never safe from that, until men stop buying and selling for sexual wants.

22. I grieve that lap-dancing is entertainment, without thinking what it does to the woman doing it. She is made sub-human.

23. I grieve that all the time the no-touch policy is ripped to shreds, as men reach into the women’s cunts.

24. I grieve that so many women working in clubs only earn a livable wage by doing extras – be that hard-core shows or being prostituted out to special business clients.

25. I grieve that women who protest against the sex trade taking over our culture and controlling the media – are ridicule, made out to be prudes, said to not understand it all about freedom of speech.

26. I grieve that those who speak of freedom of speech are just giving to those who profit from the sex trade, those who already have the power and control – never to the women and girls that are being destroyed by the sex trade.

27. I grieve as I know the silence and silencing of the prostituted who has fucked, beaten, tortured until she has no physical or mental strength to have speech.

28. I grieve as I know the silence and silencing of being made a hard-core porn-toy. I know the silence of having of being sexually tortured and it having that made into public property.

29. I grieve that the only voice of far too many women and girls in the sex trade is an endless silent screaming.

30. I grieve that the sex trade is committing genocide – but this is made invisible by replacing the murdered, those who killed themselves, those who were too ill by diseases got from being in the sex trade, those too injured to continue, those whose mental health was destroyed by the sex trade, those made to be hooked on drugs – they just replaced with fresh goods.

31. I grieve beyond tears that most women who died in the sex trade are never heard of in the media or even the local community. They were made sub-humans in life, in death they are made into nothing.

32. I grieve that language is taken over by the sex trade.

33. I grieve how it said to a matter of free choice – making invisible the mental and economics factors that drive women and girls into the sex trade. It just an individual choice – she is never influenced by society, I forget she is an outsider.

34. I grieve how it made just another hard job. It is not work – it is a form of slavery, until the women and girls in the sex trade have full human rights and the ability to be a full human, it will never be a job.

35. I grieve that it never real sentences for selling women and girls on mass to be sexually tortured and thrown away.

36. I grieve that the majority of hard-core porn producers have no fear of punishment, only they will get richer and richer.

37. I grieve that men that buy women and girls are rarely done for rape or extreme physical harm – they are just made to feel guilt-free. Usually all they get is a fine or short-term sentence.

38. I grieve that so many women make excuses for men using the sex trade. It not as bad as a “real” affair, at least he doesn’t give a shit about the prostituted woman.

39. I grieve that so many make the choice to believe that existence of prostitution and porn means  that rapes is less. So, the women and girls that are continually raped inside the sex trade don’t count – they just have to put up with it for the greater good.

40. I grieve that some believe men are so weak and unable to have self-control, that they must always have easy access to fuckable goods or they will have a rage that would destroy all the women and girls outside the sex trade.

41. I grieve that it is ok to make jokes about the sex trade, jokes making the woman or girl sub-human, jokes making it seems normal that men sell and buy women and girls, jokes placing the whore on a pedestal but only if she remains sub-human.

42. I grieve that so many of my entertainments are corrupted by the sex trade. Turn on the TV, the whore is everywhere, usually either the murdered prostitute or the happy hooker. Escape to football, and the ads have the whore image. Walk to town, and the whore image is on ads everywhere.

43. I grieve that the buying and selling of women is made so easy – it a click away.

44. I grieve that the violence and degradation that is the foundation of the sex trade is everywhere and made nowhere. It may on your street, a house near you – it may be your neighbour. The best trick the sex trade did was to hide itself away in plain view.

45. I grieve that if women are lucky enough to exit the sex trade, they are usually left with trauma so extreme from the thousands of rapes, thousands of battery’s, thousands of times language was used to make them sub-human, the memory of having no exit. Trauma that may fade, but is unlikely to ever leave.

46. I grieve that there is rarely specialist support for exited women – they are just meant to cope.

47. I grieve that the conditions and welfare of women and girls in the sex trade is often pushed aside for more important issues by some of the left and feminism.

48. I grieve that the horrors I have known has destroyed my memory, leaving me with fragmented memory – I hate that it has destroyed the good memories so much.

49. I grieve that it leaves so many exited women with illness, physical pain and flashbacks that crash into their daily lives and their strong will to make a wonderful life that they so deserve.

50. I grieve with every cell in my body that the sex trade still exists – and is still making women and girls sub-humans.

Pornography and Grief

This would have been the birthday of  Andrea Dworkin, and this from a speech she give in San Francisco Take Back the Night 1978.  They shut down the porn district for one night.

PORNOGRAPHY AND GRIEF

“I searched for something to say here today quite different from what I am going to say. I wanted to come here militant and proud and angry as hell. But more and more, I find that anger is a pale shadow next to the grief I feel. If a woman has any sense of her own intrinsic worth, seeing pornography in small bits and pieces can bring her to a useful rage. Studying pornography to quantity and depth, as I have been doing for more months than I care to remember, will turn that same woman into a mourner.

The pornography itself is vile. To characterise it any other way would be to lie. No plague of male intellectualisms and sophistries can change or hide that simple fact…. To be “dissolved” – by any means necessary – is the role of women in pornography…. The great male writers use language more or less beautifully to create us as self-serving fragments, half-“dissolved” as it were, and then proceed to “dissolve” us all the way, by any means necessary. The biographers of the great male artists celebrate the real life atrocities those men have committed against us, as if those atrocities are central to the making of art. And in history, as men have lived it, they have “dissolved” us – by any means necessary.  The slicing of our skins and the rattling of our bones are the energising sources of male-defined art and science,  as they are the essential content of pornography. The visceral experience of a hatred of women that literally knows no bounds has put me beyond anger and beyond tears, I can only speak to you from grief.

…. No matter what material or emotional deprivation we have experienced as children or as adults, no matter what we understood from history or from the testimonies of living persons about how people suffer and why, we all believed, however privately, in human possibility. Some of us believed in art, or literature, or music, or religion, or revolution, or in children, or in the redeeming potential of eroticism or affection. No matter what we knew of cruelty, we all believed in kindness, and no matter what we knew of hatred, we all believed in friendship or love. Not one of us could have imagined or would have believed the simple facts of life as we have come to know them: the rapacity of male greed for dominance; the malignancy of male supremacy; the virulent contempt for women that is the very foundation of the culture in which we live. The Women’s Movement has forced us all to face the facts, but no matter how brave and clear-sighted we are, no matter how far we are willing to go or are forced to go in viewing reality without romance or illusion, we are simply overwhelmed by the male hatred of our kind, its morbidity, its compulsiveness, its obsessiveness, the celebration of itself in every detail of life and culture. We think that we have grasped this hatred once and for all, seen it in its spectacular cruelty, learned its every secret, got used to it or risen above it or organised against it so as to be protected from its worst excesses. We think that we know all there is to know about what men do to women, even if we cannot imagine why they do what they do, when something happens that simply drives us mad, out of our minds, so that we are again imprisoned like caged animals in the numbing reality of male control, male revenge against no one knows what, male hatred of our very being.

One can know everything and still not imagine snuff films. One can know everything and still be shocked and terrified when a man who attempted to make snuff films is released, despite the testimony of the women undercover agents whom he wanted to torture, murder, and, of course, film. One can know everything and still be stunned and paralysed when one meets a child who is being continuously raped by her father or some close male relative. One can know everything and still be reduced to sputtering like an idiot when a woman is prosecuted for attempting to abort herself with knitting needles, or when a woman is imprisoned for killing a man who has raped or tortured her, or is raping or torturing her. One can know everything and still want to kill and be dead simultaneously when one sees a celebratory picture of a woman being ground up in a meat grinder on the cover of a national magazine, no matter how putrid the magazine. One can know everything and still somewhere inside refuse to believe that the personal, social, culturally sanctioned violence against women is unlimited, unpredictable, pervasive, constant, ruthless, and happily and unselfconsciously sadistic. One can know everything and still be unable to accept the fact that sex and murder are fused in the male consciousness, so that the one without the imminent possibility of the other is unthinkable and impossible. One can know everything and still, at bottom, refuse to accept that the annihilation of women is the source of meaning and identity for men. One can know everything and still want desperately to know nothing because to face what we know is to question whether life to worth anything at all.

The pornographers, modern and ancient, visual and literary, vulgar and aristocratic, put forth one consistent proposition: erotic pleasure for men is derived from and predicated on the savage destruction of women…. The eroticism of murder is the essence of pornography, as it is the essence of life. The torturer may be a policeman tearing the fingernails off a victim in a prison cell or a so-called normal man engaged in the project of attempting to fuck a woman to death. The fact is that the process of killing – and both rape and battery are steps in that process – is the prime sexual act for men in reality and/or in imagination. Women as a class must remain in bondage, subject to the sexual will of men, because the knowledge of an imperial right to kill, whether exercised to the fullest extent or just part way, is necessary to fuel sexual appetite and behaviour….

The most terrible thing about pornography is that it tells male truth. The most insidious thing about pornography is that it tells male truth as if were universal truth. Those depictions of women in chains being tortured are supposed to represent our deepest erotic aspirations…. The most important thing about pornography is that the values in it are the common values of men…. Both want access to pornography so that men can be encouraged and energised by it…. But whether we see the pornography or not, the values expressed in it are the values expressed in the acts of rape and wife-beating, in the legal system, in religion, in art and in literature,  in systematic economic discrimination against women, in the moribund academies. and by the good and wise and kind and enlightened in all of these fields and areas. Pornography is not a genre of expression separate and different from the rest of life; it is a genre of expression fully in harmony with any culture in which it flourishes. This is so whether is legal or illegal. And, in either case, pornography functions to perpetuate male supremacy and crimes of violence against women because its conditions, trains, educates, and inspires men to despise women, to use women, to hurt women. Pornography exists because men despise women, and men despise women in part because pornography exists.

For myself, pornography has defeated me in a way that, at least so far, life has not. Whatever struggles and difficulties I have had in my life. I have always  wanted to find a way to go-on even if I did not know how, to live through one more day, to learn one more thing, to take one more walk, to read one more book, to write one more paragraph, to see one more friend, to love one more time. When I read or see pornography, I want everything to stop…. Sometimes, a detail drives me mad. There is a series of photographs: a woman slicing her breasts with a knife, smearing her own blood on her own body, sticking a sword up her vagina. And she is smiling. And it is the smile that drives me mad…. And how can it go on like this, senseless, entirely brutal, inane, day after day and year after year, these images and ideas and values pouring out, packaged, brought and sold, promoted, enduring on and on,  and no one stops it, and our darling boy intellectuals defend it, and elegant radical lawyers argue for it, and men of every sort cannot and will not live without it. And life, which means everything to me, becomes meaningless, because these celebrations of cruelty destroy my very capacity to feel and to care and to hope. I hate the pornographers most of all for depriving me of hope.

The psychic violence in pornography is unbearable in and of itself. It acts on one like bludgeon until one’s sensibility is pummelled flat and one’s heart goes dead. One becomes numb. Everything stops, and one looks at the pages or pictures and knows this is what men want, and this is what men have had, and this is what men will not give up…. And yes, one wants to take it from them, to burn it, to rip it up, bomb it, raze the theatres and publishing houses to the ground. One can be part of a revolutionary movement or one can mourn. Perhaps I have found the real source of my grief : we have not yet become a revolutionary movement.

Tonight we are going to walk together, all of us, to take back the night, as women have in cities all over the world, because in every sense none of us can walk alone.Every woman walking alone is a target. Every woman walking alone is hunted, harassed, time after time harmed by psychic or physical violence. Only by walking together can we walk at all with any sense of safety, dignity, or freedom. Tonight, walking together, we will proclaim to the rapists and pornographers and women-batterers that their days are numbered and our time has come…. Because, sisters, the truth is that we have to take back the night every night, or the night will never be ours. And once we have conquered the dark, we have to reach for the light, to take the day and make it ours. This is our choice,  and this is our necessity. It is a revolutionary choice, and it is a revolutionary necessity. For us, the two are indivisible, as we must be indivisible in our fight for freedom. Many of us have walked many miles already – brave, hard miles – but we have not gone far enough. Tonight, with every breath and every step, we must commit ourselves to going the distance: to transforming this earth on which we walk from prison and tomb into our rightful and joyous home. This we must do and this we will do, for our own sakes and for the sake of every woman who has ever lived.”

Slowly Re-Entering

I am slowly coming out of trauma, slowly re-entering life.

But this time has been terrifying, and made me aware how badly I cannot live with the sex trade being seen as a norm.

I cannot see as normal that women and girls are brought and sold on a mass scale.

Can anyone give me a sensible reason why that is ok.

Not that the reason that some women may choose to be brought and sold.

For I want you to look deeper at those choices, and see if they really are free choices, or is the woman pushed into a corner till the sex trade is the only option.

Is it a free choice to enter the sex trade out of financial need, is it a free choice if you have been trained by previous sexual violence to think your worth is to be a sexual object, is a free choice if all your friends and acquaintances persuade to give it a go, is a free choice if you enter and want to leave but find no exit.

And how can it truly be a free choice when the sex trade feel the need to close off all outside influences from the woman or girl.

If it is so brilliant why are they so defensive all the time.

Don’t tell the sex trade will ok if only it is all legal.

That is just a red herring.

For legal or illegal, the sex trade provides sadistic sex, provides privacy to its customers to treat the women or girls as their private porn-toy, provides endless selection of women and girls for men to abuse – any race, any class, any age, there all just fuck-holes.

Legal or illegal, the whole of the sex trade is easy access to these customers and bloody easy money to the far too many profiteers.

Legal or illegal, the sex trade does not give a shit about the safety of its girls. They are just disposable goods – if they don’t make a profit they will be thrown away.

Legal or illegal – the women and girls in the sex trade are stripped of basic human rights.

Don’t talk of making it safer.

You are not naming it as rape or sexual torture – but re-framing continually as part of what is called work or her job.

She has no access to the language of rape, the language of battery, the language of torture – the language of not being goods, but a full human – when you speak of safety in work.

You are not preventing the john or manager from using her as a private fuck-toy – but you may give him a condom, so he won’t get a disease or have to take any responsibility.

I truly believe that condoms are life-savers for women and girls in the sex trade – but they do nothing to keep her safe the majority of violence that is her norm.

Most sadistic sex in the sex trade is not penis in the vagina – it is everywhere and anywhere on her body.

The fear of death is a constant in the sex trade – that is made invisible in the drive to make the conditions safer.

There is a pretence that it that it rare that johns are sadistic to prostituted women and girls, a pretence that hard-core is only fake pain, a pretence that women and girls in clubs have no feeling up or being encourage to get paid for sex – the whole structure of the sex trade is build of pretending all violence is not true or the fault of the individual woman or girl.

In this pretend world, alarms seemed reasonable, it is a world where managers would care for the mental and physical welfare of their girls, a world where all violent johns would be banned and may even get shopped to the police.

It is a world that may exist in speeches, on the computer and inside academic debates – but it does exist inside the sex trade.

The sex trade expects violence is what men want, that these men want to degrade women, the sex trade wants their money, and will close all doors on their actions.

The women and girls in the sex trade have no rights to safety – just the hope that some men are less violent with them.

There will never be full safety, when we allow men to make a class of women and girl into fuck-toys, and say that is ok, or just turn away and pretend everything is fine.

That is like a child shutting their eyes tight, and then saying the room they are in has gone.

I may more some other time – this is just a slow coming up for air – now sports is calling me.

Just know to fight for abolition is to fight to give back human dignity and full safety for all women and girls in the sex trade.

That is a hard and scary fight – but hell, it is a wonderful world that had no woman and girl brought and sold for male sexual want.

Fight harder.

Having an Impact

I started this blog as a bet to myself. I thought it may last for three posts.

I never thought I had that much to write.

I never thought my experience would be heard or believed.

And I was afraid that no-one really give a damn about seeing prostituted women and girls as humans – only as stereotypes and roles to fit their views.

But, I been writing since January 2008, and the more I write the more it seems like a bottomless pit.

I now know I have an impact.

An impact to make others see and think beyond narrow stereotypes of what and who a prostitute is.

She could be working on the street, she may be in a hotel, she may be in the house next door to you, she may be in a car, she may be in a brothel, she may look like a girlfriend – she is everywhere, but too many people make her nowhere.

She may be addicted to drugs, she may never take drugs, she may have been abuse as a child, she may have been very happy at home, she may be poor, middle-class or rich, she may be a runaway or homeless, she may be struck inside domestic violence, she may be forced into prostitution, she may of started it to rebel and find herself trapped – every time, you think you have pinned down the prostitute, think the opposite, both will be right.

I have an impact because I can remember the violence and degradation.

Most exited women forget or cannot find a language to fit that time.

I use this blog to discover a language – not the language of rape, not the language of domestic violence.

Use some of the language of human rights, some of the language of being enslaved, some of the language of the torture – but somehow, somewhere there must be a language unique to the prostituted.

A language that for most of its history was not written down, was often made to be cut away from conscious thinking.

It the screaming of those trapped so long, and banned from hope for so long – that their words are ignored and ridiculed until silence is all that is left.

Words have taken over by pimps and johns.

Most language describing what is to be prostituted is in their language.

Since the beginning of images and written history, prostitution have shown as the choice of the woman, that she is in control, that there may be many bad things that happen to her, but she is tough or will learn to adapt.

In the language of pimps and johns – any bad that happens, whether it is girls being prostituted, whether it is mass internal and external trafficking, whether it is sadism that is deeply damaging or killing the prostitute – all that is just bad luck, or a prostitute who is not that good at her job.

It should not reflect the sex trade as a whole.

Hell, the opposite is true.

I and other exited women know the violence and degradation is the bedrock of the riches of the sex trade.

We know times that there is no violence and degradation are rare, and seen as pathetic by most profiteers and johns.

Speaking that truth has an impact – it enrages those who benefit from keeping the status quo of the sex trade.

They do everything and anything to silence exited women who speak out.

They ridicule us, they claimed we are so mentally damaged how could anyone take our word, they say we were just sad cases, but it no reflection on the vast majority of the sex trade, they say if we were abused before entering the sex trade, we cannot know if it was good sex or not, they say it must have been illegal where we work, like the johns give a shit whether it is legal or not, they claim sympathy for those trafficked (if between countries, not internal trafficking) and under-aged prostitutes, but say all other prostitutes have freely chosen it.

It is a language of that would say the North Pole has tropical summers, that the moon is made of cheese.

A language that thinks by shouting loud enough, it can make all the violence and degradation invisible.

But inconvenient exited women will keep writing and speaking of the hell that is the sex trade.

Once, they get the freedom to speak out, nothing can shut them up, and the more they speak out the more they give other exited women the courage to say their truths.

The sex trade hates us – but that is coz they know we have a huge impact.

For when our words are heard and believed, it make others want and need to stop that a whole class of women and girls are made sub-human to feed a male want to dominate and destroy.

Knowing beyond academic theory, beyond some documentary that has detachment – knowing by hearing and listening to exited women.

Hearing into the blood and guts of being made into goods to fucked so many times – that the only way to be is the living dead.

Hearing it not sex, but a living with the fear of sexual torture, of being made into living porn.

Hearing that we had no human rights, only the brainwashing that told us that we cared for.

I cannot believe I am in the place, where I write these words.

They can scare me.

For I know they have an impact.

A Map of My Body, Part Two

I wrote last April 2009  “A Map of My Body”, and I feel to write another map to trace how trauma is part of me.

Also, I feel more now – more grief, more outrage, more calm anger, more knowing I survived by the skin of my teeth.

I feel clearer at being honest that it was chaos then, clearer at knowing I will never remember everything or even most of the violence – just enough to know it was wrong.

I map the trauma in my body, for I am surrounded by others telling how harm-free prostitution and porn is.

My body is a witness and evidence to the harm.

BRAIN

My brain disappeared as much as it could during prostitution, when it was made to view hard-core porn, when I was being filmed,  when I was doing girlfriend experience.

My brain run films for me, my brain try to remember books, my brain listed Arsenal players, my brain watch the spider in the corner of the room.

My brain would not know.

Would not know the object fuck against the wall, the object waiting naked on the bed, the object mouth open, the object on all fours.

My brain shut that all out, told me it was not me, made a film scenario of it.

Made it unreal, then everything was ok then.

My brain hated my body.

FACE

I stopped looking in mirrors, I learn to not care what I looked like.

After all as a fuck-object, my face was of little importance.

I had my face hit and slapped, but I got used to that.

I never got used to men sticking their dicks into my ear.

That was their sense of humour, finding another hole to fuck.

The pain can still be with me, the shock is there – and when stressed, I can’t hear in my left ear.

Sure the penis did little – but the fear was real.

The fear makes me cry now.

MOUTH AND THROAT

Oral sex was endless in prostitution, oral sex was demanded in every porn fantasy.

Deep-throating was common, strangulation was regular – often at the same time.

My mouth and throat may never fully recovered from those years.

I do not breathe deeply, I often found swallowing painful and hard, I choke an awful lot.

I feel my throat often wants to block out being alive.

My throat carries huge grief.

ARMS

I do not have feelings for my arms.

Only they exist.

HANDS

My hands were polluted by having to perform to please men who could have killed me.

My hands rubbed their dicks, my hands help them undress, my hands guided their dicks into my holes – my hands feel like traitors.

I want to love my hands, but all I feel is a detachment at best, at worst a hate.

Hands reminds how I boosted the egos of men who hated me.

That is so hard to know.

CHEST

My chest is full bursting with the sickness of grief and outrage of what I had to be to survive.

My chest was lean into, was smashed about – but always my chest held inside something no bastard could touch.

It fenced away my essence – the part of me that would remember and recorded the way  I was treated.

The part that may of waited many years – but it got revenge by recording every torture, every degradation, every time I was made sub-human.

I survived by becoming a witness to my own hell.

STOMACH

I have an endless sickness in my stomach.

Nothing get rid of it, only it fades as my truths is heard and believed.

The sickness of being made into nothing but holes and hands to be fucked till worn out.

The sickness of knowing there no exit but being unconscious or killing yourself.

The sickness of being exited, but my stomach is full of memories of hate, terror and no hope.

My stomach has no words for the sickness – only it screams to be heard.

CUNT

It very hard to own my cunt after prostitution.

It was owned by hundreds of men who wanted to hurt it, to pour terror into it, to say all that pain was only a joke.

My cunt was something I wanted to cut out of me.

It was just a hole which fists, dicks, mouths, objects, fingers went into. It was alien from me.

I hated that when pain was everything, when my cunt was full to breaking point – I had orgasms.

Sure, I know it out of my control – but it give those bastards too much.

I do not know how to love my cunt.

ANUS

I do not how many times I was anally raped – I know I became numb to it.

I am terrified of how much pain is inside my anus.

I work round it, as I write the pain is there as I sit on a hard chair – I teach myself to work through it.

I do not like laying on my back, I hate if I get pain in my anus going to the toilet.

I have fainted going to the toilet.

I was tortured in my anus, I nearly died several times – so it carries terror at it most raw.

It is a gaping scream.

LEGS

My legs are restless and exhausted at the same time.

They remember a time when there was no escape.

They remember wanting to fight back but never moving.

My legs carry the lack of hope and confusion.

My legs have despair – but so want freedom.

I am attempting to get to that place.

FEET

I do not understand what it is to be grounded.

My feet to me are there to walk away, to walk and walk until I feel nothing again.

Feet touch the ground, but have no interest in where they are – only to keep moving is reminder I must be alive.

I have walked all my life – usually to numb myself and turn myself into a robot.

Now, I am learning to walk with awareness – it means I am truly alive.

Hustler I Hate You

This is dedicated to my six-year-old and to my prostituted soul who had to be a porn-toy

HUSTLER I HATE YOU

I was

Innocent

Once

I had

Trust

I could

Touch

Without

Performing

I was a

Child

Once

Who

Saw

Good

Not

Fear and

Sickness

Then

Hustler

Was laid

Down

In front

Of me

Seeing

What

My mind

Didn’t want

To know

Seeing

Machines shoved

Into screaming

Women

Seeing

Cartoons

I couldn’t

Laugh

Cartoons

Women mounted

On walls

On cars

Smashed onto

Beds

Seeing

Chester the

Molester

Fun to

Rape

Girls

Just a

Laugh

I was

Frozen

Knowing

I was

Next

I waited

And

Never

Cried

When I was

Fucked

Later

As money

Handed over

As I

Posed

As

Remembered

As

Tortured

As

I always

Known

Would happen

As remembering

Images

Cartoons

I became

Part of

A Hustler

Fuck-dream

Invisible Damage

I like a great many survivors have a great deal of sickness as a result of my years of being prostituted.

We do not speak of our sickness, especially much of it like ghosts of the violence we have no words for.

It may be named trauma, but in this post I will a short record of what I endured.

I live with a sickness in my stomach as a regular companion. This sickness will go even if I am relaxed.

Often I wake from deep sleep and want to be sick.

It the sickness of being drown in male hate, the sickness of every hole I have being filled with semen, and semen rubbed into my skin and hair.

It is the sickness of having to act happy when men make me their porn-doll, sickness of endless smiling when pain is everywhere and death is so welcoming.

It the sickness of remembering how good I was at performing, that I boosted the endless rapist’s ego.

It the sickness of being raped, but never having space or time for shock, distress or knowing I was in pain – for I had to really for another rape and another and another until I did not know it was rape.

It is the sickness of my throat choking and wanting to block itself up. My throat that had cocks shoved down till it forget to breathe, and was terrified to swallow.

It is the sickness of being on the toilet and terrified to have a shit – as it only reminds of anal rape, of that ripping apart. I see blood there, and I cannot breathe.

It the sickness of being scared to lie on my back for too.

It is the sickness of dreams of gang-rapes, without faces, without knowing my age, without knowing where I was. Only knowing it was a regular “punishment”

It is the sickness of remembering cameras filming my degradation. I still hate being filmed. I still don’t what has happened to those images.

My stomach is so sickened by the sex trade and everything it does and stands for.

But living with sickness – I have learnt to act like a well person.

World Suicide Day

Today is World Suicide Day, for I know that a great women and girls who were in the sex trade are no longer with us because of suicide.

I know this because like many other survivors, I am only here by the skin of my teeth.

I try suicide many times and failed – I know women I loved that committed suicide because they could not take being sexually tortured any more,  could not cope with being a fuck-object any more, could not be brought and sold any more.

I do not call it suicide – I call murder by proxy by johns, by profiteers and by everyone who turn their backs on the violence and degradation that is named prostitution.

I refuse to allow that these lives were wasted.

These women and girls who are driven to kill themselves by not being able to endure the sex trade any more, they are not just statistics, not just casualties of the sex trade – they were women and girls who were having their humanity destroyed.

It was destroyed as every man felt he was entitled to buy goods named as a prostitute. As he buys, he has made her sub-human.

With every fuck, every demand for sexual acts she doesn’t want, every use of her body as his part his private porn-toy – he is adding to more reasons for to kill herself.

He is killing her, without having any guilt or conscience.

Every time a profiteer chooses to make her into fuckable goods, into an objects that has no human rights, that can and will be used until it is thrown away – he is showing her the road to suicide.

The profiteers are allowing these deaths – suicide is convenient for them, coz they can say she was mad or too weak to handle being a prostitute.

But profiteers are mass murderers who just kept their hands clean.

There are too many suicides of prostitutes, too many great women and girls who never had the luck to exit.

I do not know why I am alive – I try so hard to die. But, I am alive, and remember how death was so welcoming.

If you want to know what is wrong with prostitution – then imagine how killing yourself can just seemed logical and somehow comforting.

Why would it not be – when your day-to-day existence is sexual torture, is rape on demand, is being brought and sold.

When being alive is to be dead – why would not want to kill yourself.

On this World Suicide Day, do more to get more women and girls out of the sex trade – that is a wonderful way to prevent suicide.