I will confirm that I did it by posting “I did it” here. This will negate any need for any type of photographic or other tangible evidence because I’m an honest person and you’re horrible for suggesting otherwise.
Fire, and lots of it!
Recreate that scene from the first triple x where he fly’s off the bridge but instead of a car use the mattress
pack it as tightly as possible, and put it in a stage-box (think musicians, drum set, etc). Go to random hotel check into room with your “instruments” for your “gig” tomorow. switch mattress before leaving next moring.
Put it out the front of your house with a sign saying 'Free mattress to fuck on, so long as I can film you doing it".
Stick it in the front yard with a sign that says
Free soiled mattress!
Whomever takes it is now your bff
No sign required, you have a big canvas already. Just need some spray paint.
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Eat it.
…and we’re done here
g’luck op. Remember, one bite at a time
That’ll take too long. Eat it five bites at a time.
Hang it on a wall as a statement piece or art with all the suspicious looking yellow stains.
–Edit–
This method has additional merit in that you don’t actually even get rid of it.
Tie it to the roof of your car, preferably a 25-30 year old subcompact with bald tires and head for the freeway. Make sure to use string, not rope, and don’t waste money on too much string.
Enjoy the drive and the problem just goes away.
fuck I actually did this once. I didn’t tie it on, but I was driving the car and suddenly there was no mattress
See. It works.
It generally helps if you tie it on
Tie one on? I don’t think that mixes with driving…
fuck it, I’m leaving it
Light it on fire while it’s still in your room. No need to move anything!
Attach a rope to it, tie it to the back of some kind of lifted 4x4 or truck, and have a buddy drag it around through the fields while you ride on top of it.
Dammit… had to delete my comment because I said almost the exact same thing. I’m glad I’m not the only insane one.
Have you seen the video to HARDY’s “Rednecker”?
This is a man of culture.
Poke a hole in it and grease it up. Put it at the end of your driveway with a sign that says “Free Fuckable Mattress, first come, first serve!”
Just stack the new mattress on top of the old one. Problem solved.
The bed just keeps getting comfier and comfier over time.
Take it to the country, find a 10-12" culvert under a driveway or access, pull a winch line through the culvert, attach it firmly to the mattress, winch until the mattress is all the way in the culvert, cut the winch line, and you’re done.
Optional: call one of those YouTube drain clearing guys.
You’ve given this a suspiciously impressive amount of thought.
I plead the 5th.
And I’ll be disappointed if you don’t do it.