Die Schlacht der Centurions

There's some decent ideas in Lucio Fulci's contribution to the Italian post-nuke sci-fi action sweepstakes of the early '80s, but they're rendered somewhat inert thanks to the wooden acting of the Americans, and the horrid dubbing of the Italians. The Lego-Land-with-Xmas-Lights miniatures don't help, either.

And is it me, or did Fred Williamson just disappear from the final scene? He just vanishes. Where did he go? Was he called for reshoots for "1990: The Bronx Warriors?" Was there a summons to loop his dialogue for "Warriors of the Wasteland?" Did he need to attend a Kansas City Chiefs benefit dinner? Who knows?

Well with Lucio Fulci in the directors chair you can count on two things straight away; Excellent visuals including an inordinate amount of Fulci's trademark extreme facial close ups (especially the eyes) and a confused story that will leave you scratching your head. You can also count on a third staple present in most of Fulci's work and the factor for which he is probably best remembered; His predilection for incorporating extreme gore scenes into his films (even his non horror efforts such as the film in question) In relation to all of the above, sure enough and true to form, Fulci yet again delivers the goods.

The story set in the future, depicts a world where deadly gladiatorial contests take place for the TV viewing audiences' pleasure. The said contests take place on motorcycles whereby the combatants are required to batter their opponents off of their bikes with the last man standing being declared the winner.

Jared Martin (Yes Dusty Farlow from Dallas!) plays Drake, the Kill Bike champion who along with the likes of B-movie regulars Fred Williamson, Al Yamanouchi and Al Cliver must fight for their lives in this cruel sport.

Sadly it has to be said however, that there are far too few scenes of the sport in question with the vast majority of the films running time being squandered on a boring conspiracy storyline (and lots and lots of shots of peoples eyes!). Luckily things do pick up commendably in the final 30 or so minutes though and we get to see some admittedly excellent battle scenes involving motorbikes and sidecars in a futuristic take on the famous chariot sequence from Ben Hur.

Overall, whilst not one of Fulci's best works, this is certainly far from his worst and provides a fairly entertaining watch. It's just such a pity that the sheer energy of the final third couldn't have been more abundant throughout.

THE NEW GLADIATORS is the 20th movie by Lucio Fulci I have seen, and it marks a little piece of movie-going history for me. I was a teenage horror fanatic, so to speak, and in the beginning of my horror odyssey I wouldn't have thought I would get to see even five. But that was before imported DVD. That was before the Internet. Now I have a fairly good view of Fulci and I know very well why my admiration for him is so high. The New Gladiators, Fighting Centurions, or whatever you want to call it, is just an example. I love the very idea that Fulci even tried to make this movie.

Fulci was not high class, to say the very least, but he definitely had an artistic vision. He went out to follow his themes no matter what. It's like he didn't notice, or cared, that the actors were horrible, the effects crappy and the dialog so ridiculously high-blown that basically every movie he ever made, in some way or another became hard to take seriously. This one is definitely no exception.

In the mid 80's, Fulci tried to jump off the horror wagon for a while. I guess he felt he knocked himself out for good with THE NEW YORK RIPPER and who can blame him. Just one year after that movie he did the sword&sorcery/fantasy-fest CONQUEST and if you put those two beside each other, well, one conclusion is that he definitely could do different things. Conquest is a howler, if I hadn't known about Fulci I would have pretty much assumed it was a comedy. Much of the same goes with The New Gladiators, but unlike Conquest, or any other Fulci movie for that matter, it has a more obvious problem: It's a sci-fi-fantasy movie with a budget taken from the tin can of a bum! The models are barely convincing even as models, and the many sequences of biker action comes off as peculiarly pointless, since there are basically no stunts and we don't know which character is which (since they are all stunt men). Many of the drivers also seem to drive into spears and walls all by themselves, for no apparent reason.

The plot is also just barely there. There's a bunch of "gladiators". They are supposed to fight. In the end we get the would-be-showdown, but between the first scene and the last there's just a bunch of separate sequences of torture or escape action and one or two loose plot threads. One mad scientist here, one Gestapo-dressed Howard Ross there, who is a threat one second, and totally outsmarted the next, and I don't blame Fred Williamson for later claiming "I have no idea what that movie was about".

But who cares, right? Just like in Conquest, another plot less feast for the senses, there's a lot of hilarious sequences. Swallow this gadget and you will be able to melt stuff with your brain. Pick up the gun. No. Pick it up. No. PIIICK IIIT UUUUUPPPP. I mean, the list goes on. For Fulci apostles though, we get some familiar themes of humanity with some seriously bad odds against it - in this case by computerization and TV, something you have to give Fulci some before-his-time-credit for - but with a surprisingly happy ending. The eyeball theme (or "who sees what" as I like to call it) becomes totally physical towards the end when a supposedly half-blind man turns out to have a camera behind the blind lens (OK, that's a little brilliant) and there's even.... let's see... one cool Fulciesque moment, involving a bizarre and surrealistic murder with three whistling men dressed in fancy 80's suits.

It's no surprise that this move is re-distributed by Troma, because it's surely a joy for all. It's a great movie to watch if you want to get together and laugh at a bad movie, and it's definitely worthwhile for Fulci enthusiasts (I mean.... why not??). As long as you don't expect Blade Runner, you're in for a treat. In addition, I recommend to watch it back to back with Conquest, which should be saved for last because it's even funnier.

KIIIILLLL!!!

I bet the almighty Lucio Fulci didn't half realize back in 1984 how progressive and visionary the concept of his film would become. Sure the idea of recruiting death row prisoners as futuristic gladiators and broadcast their battle to live and death live on television is still extremely grotesque but the underlying and less obvious themes of "The New Gladiators" – like the appalling formula of reality-TV and the always-increasing quest for sensationalism – were way ahead of their time. This film is one of the numerous futuristic exploitation ventures that were released in the early 80's, all of them with the intention of cashing in on the huge success of John Carpenter's "Escape from New York". All these movies are incredibly violent, feature grim sets and flamboyant effect and – oh yeah – for some reason they practically all star Fred Williamson! I think Fred actually lived in between the decors and on the sets of low-budget Italian flicks back then. Anyway, Fulci naturally had to participate in this profitable Sci-Fi action trend and it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise that his effort is one of the coolest and most sadistically violent of the entire bunch. In their search for the ultimate crowd-pleasing TV-show, slick studio bosses come up with the brilliant idea of reviving the ancient Roman spectacle of Gladiator fights. Death row prisoners from all over the world are recruited to fight in the arena to the death and, just because every show does better with a celebrity on board, the vicious TV-stations owners frame a popular stunt bike rider with murder, just so that he can be put in the battle as well. But with Drake as their leader and the help of a cute and caring computer expert, the Gladiators fight back! Awesome, undemanding and adrenalin-rushing entertainment from Maestro Fulci, "The New Gladiators" offers a spitfire of explosions, macho-showdowns, squeaking bike tires, decapitations, laser beams and revealing manly skirt-outfits! Riz Ortolani delivers one of the best scores of his career (perhaps even second only to his work for "Cannibal Holocaust") and Fred Williamson remains the male role model for utter coolness, despite the fact he plays his supportive role on automatic pilot.

After knocking out a succession of gory cannibal flicks and umpteen cheap clones of Romero's Dawn of the Dead, several of Italy's horror directors moved on to the post-apocalyptic genre, bringing fans a tirade of silly Mad Max inspired nonsense with suitably daft titles: New Barbarians; Atlantis Interceptors; 2019: After the Fall of New York; New Bronx Gladiators of the Year 3000 (actually, that one's not real... but you get the idea).

Amongst these iffy, cheap looking and often laughable efforts was Lucio Fulci's Rome 2033 - The Fighter Centurions (as it was known here in the UK), a violent (natch!), cheesy, and amazingly shonky production, made slightly more interesting by the fact that it's plot bears more than a passing resemblance to the Arnold Schwarzeneggar hit The Running Man—which was made three years later!

Jared Martin plays Drake, star of the bloodthirsty show Kill Bike, in which contestants on motorcycles must attempt to slaughter their opposition. However, when the corrupt bosses at TV network WBS decide that they need something even more brutal to help them win the ratings war, they frame Drake for murder and enrol him as a participant in their latest TV spectacular, Battle of the Damned, a fight to the death between condemned criminals in a gladiatorial arena.

There's also some boring nonsense about a super-computer planning to take over the world, and a beautiful WBS employee who attempts to help Drake avoid certain death, but, let's face it, that's probably not why most people will sit down to watch this. So what juicy delights does Fulci serve up for fans in this potential bloodbath?

Well, not that much actually! An early graphic throat slashing turns out to be merely an image projected into the mind of a game-show contestant; much of the motorbike mayhem results in bodies being either blown up or crushed, but with very little gore on display; and the brief decapitation of a gladiator ends with a shot of the neck spurting blood.

For maximum enjoyment, I advise viewers to sit back, forget about the lack of splatter, and just revel in the sheer silliness of the whole thing: the incredibly bad Bladerunner-style cityscapes; the entertaining chariot race featuring really naff-looking, customised bikes; and the fact that, somehow, not only do all of the condemned criminals know how to ride a motorbike, but they can all effortlessly pop a prolonged wheelie!