Film Experience Blog

If the Best Actress race really narrows down to The Bening (The Kids Are All Right) vs. Natalie Portman (Black Swan) than we have a seriously sapphic situation going on this year.


Hey, it worked last year for the ladies in this category.



P.S. Does this mean that The Oscars are basically like frat parties with a stricter dress code? Maybe they will love The Social Network as much as critics do.
Annette Bening Meryl Streep Sandra Bullock

I saw Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time on Friday. Two days later I remember virtually nothing save Jake's sandy contours and... uh...uh... well, he pretty!


I do remember two other things: first, the noticeable video gaming levels (helpfully divided into location chapters onscreen) and second, Gemma Arterton's impossibly puffed up lips. While no one will ever challenge Angelina Jolie for authentic inflated labial beauty, Gemma's get a ton of screentime and when the very caucasion couple actually lip-locked in the middle of a mystical Arabian sandstorm, there was scattered giggling in the theater.

Kissing Jake Gyllenhaal is almost never a laughing matter (people are more likely to cry from it. Read on) but the movie had given Gemma so many "OMG!!! I'm almost kissing Jake Gyllenhaal" false alarms that it played like those countdown moments in bad thrillers where you see the bomb counter at 10 seconds and a whole minute of screen time later it's suddenly 3-2-1 dramatic. Movie time is infinitely flexible so why shouldn't Gemma and Jake stop to make out while Ben Kingsley is about to lay waste to the entire world. Kingsley is phoning it in anyway. He's not exactly in a rush to complete his dastardly mission.

What follows is the classic TFE post from 2007, touched up a little. Since this was first published Jake's lips have really slowed down. In the past 3 years he's only kissed Reese Witherspoon, Natalie Portman and now Gemma.

Jack Twist hasn't had a great couple of years onscreen. Let's kiss him better.


Fans are so fickle. The internet's collective 2006 boyfriend often gets a cold shoulder now. In 2007 he starred in two underperforming movies (the excellent Zodiac and the political drama Rendition) causing haters to question his bankability. He hasn't been seen much since --onscreen at least -- paparazzi pics aside. Pop culture cheaters went out seeking new objects of lust. Meanwhile, Jake grew a beard despite the rumors that that was entirely redundant.

Yet, through all of this, he remains entirely kissable.

We should all still love him. For what male movie star is as soft, cuddly and gorgeous? You may have only thought about kissing Jake Gyllenhaal while you were sitting in a movie theater (Jena Malone plays your proxy to the right) but you can kiss this movie star anywhere and in many different ways.

Consider the abundant photographic evidence. Jena enthusiastically demonstrates...


She suggests brazenly planting one on him outside your high school or at lame parties. He's shy at first but Jena guarantees he warms up in the bedroom.

Gwyneth Paltrow, who must be a Gyllenhaalic herself (unless my count is wrong she has shared the most screen liplocks with the man himself), concurs:


Lord knows why she starts crying once she gets Jake naked.


But yeah, he does have that effect on people.


But, consequences be damned, Gyllenhaal must be kissed: violently, tenderly, with guilt or lust... it hardly matters. It must be done.


Even if you don't feel that way about Jake (what's wrong with you?), it's so easy to love him. Like a son... like a brother. You don't even have to come to him. He'll plant one on you.


I never thought I'd say this but Emmy Rossum and Gemma Arterton may well be the smartest human beings on earth. If the world is ending... by all means grab Mr. Gyllenhaal and make out in the glow of a fire or magical sand column. It's your last chance!!!





*
previously on Kissing: Isabelle Huppert "do not defile it with cliché", When George Met Mary It's a Wonderful Life, Marilyn Monroe "just you... nobody else but you", Volver 47 kisses in the first 15 minutes alone

previous "Gyllenhaalic" classics: Jack Twist Monologue * A History of ... Gyllenhaal * Totally Gratuitous Jake Gyllenhaal *

Gene: ohhhh 'Shortcut Suzy.'
Rita: ohhhh 'Hard Way Maguire'...
......We're a fine pair.
Gene: A wonderful pair.
Rita: Aren't we, though?

Cover Girl (1944), Rita Hayworth, Gene Kelly

8:24 The "arrivals" special (VH-1 bitches) is about to begin. What does it mean that I'm slightly more excited for the pizza that's on its way. The website tells me that Zahidur is on his way with it right now. In truth, I'm more excited than I usually am due to Cheno (née Kristin Chenoweth). Are you watching? Even if I wasn't addicted to awards shows I would watch it for her. She's like sunshine and baby kittens and ice cream all at once.

<-- even when she s crying like won the emmy all those things cuteness it goes to eleven span style="font-weight: bold;">

8:31 Zahidur was kind of a jerk. We tip well and he still didn't feel it was enough? What the F? You know... I do not understand why I am forced to watch the Jonas Bros when I tune in to a movie awards show? What the F do they have to do with the movies? Oh, I get it. The Shirley Temple tribute ringlet curls on his forehead.

8:36 Anna Kendrick claims that George Clooney is not intimidating to work with. I believe her.

8:41 Fashion Police Break!


Don't you think Marion Cotillard should probably quit with the mermaid thing? She already won the Oscar dressed as one. And Saoirse's dress is so old lady but then a little too busy to be in homage to The Golden Girls. And you better save that bizness till the SAG Awards anyway when Betty White is honored. I hope everyone comes in caftans. And I better see a cheesecake platter on every table.

8:49 Ohmygod. They've even coached their red carpet people to act like the BFCA doesn't matter unless it's reflecting the Oscars. I'm so deeply ashamed. Stand for yourselves, fellow media peeps! Stop announcing your own irrelevancy in the face of *THE OSCARS* Be your own game and people will be more into you.

8:57 I edited this out of the last podcast but Joe Reid begged James Cameron to cut his hair or be mistaken for an old lesbian:

TOO LATE.


Zoe Saldana apparently loves the older women! And plastic dresses.

9:04 "Look at this dress!" Hee. But this opening host song's 'funny' lyrics are not really worthy of TONY winning Cheno. But that ending "Nancy, is it really that complicated? I don't think so" was pretty funny. I'll give them that.

9:12 The Ensemble goes to Inglourious Basterds. Diane Kruger announces that Quentin Tarantino "rocks".

9: 13 Kristen Bell looked pissed. What's that about?

9:15 OMG how awkward was that reference to helping the quake victims in Haiti. Poor Tobey Maguire gettin' that duty 'And now...' Supporting Actress: MO'NIQUE in Precious. Referencing her husband's reaction to the script

Mama, don't judge it. Just be it and leave it on the floor... I love you, Daddy.

I am thrilled that Mo'Nique won, I love those rhinestones on steroids round her neck. But I am so absolutely creeped out when married couples call each other any variation of mamma and daddy. It's not right!

9:25 Best Action Movie -- those are actually some good nominees -- Avatar. Duh. Meryl Streep looks confused. Apparently she hasn't been to Pandora. It's complicated.

9:29 Best Animated Feature Up. So far no surprises. I love the theme to Up. It might be my favorite thing about the movie. Okay. I think that was kind of an uncharitable acceptance speech. He couldn't mention how brilliant some of his competitors were? Or did I miss that while I was typing. If so I take it back. But I don't think I missed it. And really: Coraline... Fantastic Mr. Fox. That's some damn fine celluloid, mister Docter winner.

9:39 oy... a plastic surgery joke? Poor Kristen Bell. She had to deliver it. That's why she looked so pissed earlier. Best Young Actor goes to Saoirse Ronan


9:43 A tribute to John Hughes. The best part of it is Amy Poehler & John Krasinski's Pretty in Pink garb. hee. There was kind of a funny joke in there about the "each one of us is a brain, an athlete, a basketcase, a princess and a criminal" speech. It involved cuts to people in the audience to illustrate each type (Meryl Streep being the punchline for "a criminal") but nobody got the joke because the delivery and editing was so slow. It played like technical difficulties rather than as a joke. Too bad. Super fast delivery and editing and the Streep punchline woulda worked.

9:55 Supporting Actor Christoph Waltz. Nice acceptance speech. Humble and all about the choices that led to Inglourious Basterds.


9:57 I find it that Inglourious Basterds are seated across from A Single Man's team. Julianne Moore (love the sculptural dress though it's not so great, seated) seems to find Kristin Chenoweth funny. So: good taste Julianne. Kristin is working hard but the material is a bit rough.

10:00 Sarah Silverman cracks me up. Great gay joke. Best Comedy to The Hangover. Lame. (500) Days of Summer was a hundred times better.

10:15 Oops. I fell asleep. Best Song "Weary Kind" Ryan Bingham is so sexy. And I love that there's two Ryan Binghams in play this year (see also: Up in the Air)

10:20 Er... they just gave out all the technical prizes at once. Bad form! I don't like it when people pretend that cinematography is not as important as directing and writing and whatnot. It went like so: Avatar = cinematography, editing, art direction, sound, visual effects; District 9 = makeup; Young Victoria = costumes; Grey Gardens = TV movie; The Cove = documentary; Broken Embraces = Foreign Film; Up = best score.

10:21 My goodness. Claire Danes really hits her "T"s. Such elocution. Best Adapted Screenplay Up in the Air. Best Original Screenplay Inglourious Basterds. They're really churning out the awards. Tarantino's speech is good so you get the end, when he reveals that screenplay awards are because of actors.

These guys know. My material is not easy. It's hard. I cannot have dumb actors do my dialogue. I've tried it and it was a disaster. So I want to thank my lovely actors for taking my words and singing my song and doing my poetry. God bless you.

So cool. I love that he finally accepts that he's a terrible actor. Notice he was not in Basterds, f'ing it up.

10:34 MERYL STREEP (!) presenting Kevin Bacon with a prize for something. It has something to do with Bacon's charities. I have trouble concentrating because it's Streep and this has been a really long day and I ate too much pizza. Damn you Zahidur!


10:43 I am filled with joy that Best Director is for Kathryn Bigelow. I am proud to say that I've been backing her since Near Dark in the 80s and I am totally willing to scootch over and let everyone else join the bandwagon. There's plenty of room and it's about freaking time, people.

10:48 Vera Farmiga is presenting Best Actor which is perfect because she brings out great things from her leading men. Best Actor Jeff Bridges. Bridges got his director's name wrong but good save, there Jeff. God I love this man. But in the background I think it's very important to note this historic event.

I'm sorry Diane Kruger but I have to.


An actress EATS at an awards show. That made me almost as happy as the existence of Kristin 'sunshine+kittens+icecream' Chenoweth.

11:03 Best Actress Meryl Streep & Sandra Bullock. Yes, another tie. How does this happen? Is it fixed. Second year in a row with a best actress tie?

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Both times, Meryl Streep is involved? But that was HILARIOUS. Because both of these women are. For those who couldn't see, they circled each other warily, Sandra shouted "bullshit" and then they kissed! So, so funny. And as we have grown accustomed to expecting, Meryl's speech was divine. She even bitched that her husband was "GOLFING!" ha ha.

11:16 Mark Boal (screenwriter) accepts Best Picture for The Hurt Locker. Love that movie. And can we just talk about what no one talks about here. The cast and crew are smokin'. I'm just sad that Anthony Mackie wasn't there. But I'm just going to start calling it The Sexy Locker.

And Cheno signs off claiming she's going to head backstage to make out with Sandra Bullock. And I'm signing off, too. But I'm hoping to make out with Kathryn Bigelow and Jeremy Renner instead.


*

Kissing. I want to bring this series back. Where is the time?

Someone has recorded my dreams! It's Michelle Pfeiffer's make-out sessions in the movies, compiled by the great pfansite, Pfeiffer the Face



Mmmm, Pfeiffer lips. The only person who doesn't love them is Pfeiffer herself

"I look like a duck"

Head on over to Pfeiffer The Face to vote in the poll for your favorite Pfeifferian smooch.... but someone get Pacino off of her first. He's practically eating her face* in Frankie & Johnny and he wasn't so nice to her in Scarface, either come to think of it.


* In Pacino's defense she is delicious. Even Emma Thompson thinks so. Remember that 90s interview when she was asked who she would like to be paired with if she played a lesbian? [src]

Oh, God, well, lots of women, because I love women so much. I think that because of my masculinity—I would probably put myself with someone very feminine like Michelle Pfeiffer. I find Michelle fantasically attractive. I’m always kind of rushing up to her and kissing her on the mouth because she’s so delicious. She’s soooo delicious.

*

Nitflicky calls this the "photo of the day" but I'm more inclined to say "photo of the week" ...month?. For reals. It only makes me love Drew and Ellen more. I'm practically a straight man when it comes to girls kissing. More, please.

That said, the cover of the magazine is the typically boring airbrushed / heavily made up star portraiture. For a split second in this kissing photo (not the cover) I thought Ellen was Keira Knightley. I'll give you a moment to imagine Keira and Drew snogging.


I'm not sure what it is exactly but I h-a-t-e seeing Ellen Page done up like any other young actress. I always feel like she wants to be makeup free and wearing pants. Did I read her pants-favoritism in an interview or am I projecting? Not every starlet needs to look the same. If you want to wear pants, wear pants. Think Katharine Hepburn and just go for it. Even on the red carpet. There are worse icons to take notes from. It seems like it's been a long time since we had a young female star who refused the typical red carpet looks.

Break free, Ellen, break free! Next time you're at an awards show, I want slacks! Or even a full suit.

<-- More cuteness from the derby girls

I'm so excited to see Whip It, I have an absurd and possibly fatalistic desire to roller skate to the theater on opening night. I blame this stupid desire on loving Xanadu during my formative years.

Xanadu can be blamed for any number of things.
*

Compose a mushy love letter to Julianne Moore in the comments. You know you want to.
*

see also: Kiss Her She's Irish

Happy St. Patrick's Day
Can you guess which famous actor these lips belong to?


Which pair are you most eager to plant one on?*
Hollywood sure does loves Irish men. If you know of friends who do... forward this link on and see how well they can do guessing these.

Updated: Highlight the text below for all the names (not in order) and you can try to figure it out on your own if you're just joining us:

Pierce Brosnan, Michael Fassbender, Richard Harris, Stuart Townsend, Spencer Tracy, Colin Farrel, George Clooney, Daniel Day-Lewis, Aidan Quinn, Kenneth Branagh, Gabriel Byrne, Liam Neeson, Peter O'Toole, Cillian Murphy and Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Answers are now posted in the comments. All that's left is the kissing.

* Straight boy and lesbian readers are non-exempt from this comment game but should probably avoid tongue so as to keep it platonic.

Pucker up or hum a few bars. Four more categories in the Film Bitch Awards are up: Best Kiss, Best Sex/Love Scene and Best Musical Sequences (not that there were many musicals this year). I'm glad the Oscars don't have this many categories because they would just find a way to give more awards to the same three movies ;)

This is what happens when you kiss Penélope Cruz.

True: Kissing is beautiful
Even More True: especially when its onscreen
Truer Still: Especially if it's man on man / girl on girl / star on star. (I like reflective surfaces. What can I say?)


Obscure Truth: This friendly photo of Jonny Lee Miller and Jude Law always delights.
Strange But True: Sometimes I feel like I'll never recover from watching Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal make out.
Resulting Truth: That kiss made it easier to imagine any number of other pairs of male movie stars kissing each other.

Commonly Known Truth: I heart Ewan McGregor
Lesser Known Truth: I like Jim Carrey
FALSE: I want to see Ewan McGregor and Jim Carrey kiss.

<--- This movie is worrisome. Why are they making this movie I Love You Phillip Morris? I haven't talked about it at all -- or shown this picture you've probably already seen -- because I've been trying to pretend it doesn't exist. Mainstream Hollywood cannot be trusted to make gay movies. Especially comedies. They just can't. You need a brilliant queer fringe dweller or an emotionally mature world class auteur or other types who aren't worried about the delicate sensibilities of easily offended boring moviegoers who can barely handle it when gay is even mentioned and won't be seeing any decent movie made in which men smooch each other anyway. Is this going to be another I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry because who needs that?
*

Kathleen Turner was always asking for it in the 80s, wasn't she?


God, I love her. Still. I'd gladly break through plate glass windows to have her knowing that she'd betray me, roll around on beds with her knowing she's an assassin with a contract on my life, fight alligators for precious gems just to woo her, return to high school with her, destroy the home we shared together in mutually destructive broken love rather than leave her side.

Come to me Kathleen! I'll do anything...

So would Falco apparently. Remember him? He wanted Amadeus... Amadeus... Amadeus... Amadeus to Rock him. I don't know how I didn't know this previously but he also wanted to snog Kathleen. Didn't everyone? A reader sent me this link to download his 80s tune "The Kiss of Kathleen Turner" (thx!) Where he obsessively croons

Is this a dream, or is it real
Is this really happening to me
Or is this just fantasy?
In this world theres only one woman
Who can make my dreams my dreams come true
And that woman Kathleen
Its you

I know how he feels.
*
*

Men sure were more affectionate in movies in the 1920s and 30s. Can you imagine soldiers in Jarhead or Flags of Our Fathers or Stop-Loss lip-locking?


In preparation for the next episode of the Best Picture From The Outside In series (next eppy coming your way on Wednesday) I watched All Quiet on the Western Front (1930) today. It's now the third consecutive Best Picture winner (Wings, Broadway Melody before it) with plentiful same sex affection and kissing. How very curious... and also: my how times have changed.

but isn't the picture enough?
*

When you think of Mulholland Dr. (2001) what comes immediately to mind? I can’t hear you through the web din but I’m betting you’re calling out "Betty’s audition" (the scene that put Naomi Watts on the map) or "Club Silencio" (in which one of the nation’s most beloved eccentric auteurs delivered on all possible Lynchian expectations). I think of those scenes too but today I find myself between them, both narratively and figuratively speaking, on a bed shared by Betty/Diane and Rita/Camilla (Laura Harring). They’re going to kiss.

Even if you didn’t see it coming, you saw it coming.


That is to say that the whole movie is leading to it. It's an inevitably --even if one suspects that Lynch didn't always know it was going there (it being a longform proposal, a TV series, in origin). The greatest thing about Mulholland Dr remains its flexibility: so many things to so many people; so many readings seem correct. Today I’ve decided that the entire movie is about the kiss between Betty and Rita. The great audition sequence is mere foreplay.

Consider “Bob”’s instructions to Betty in the audition.

It’s not a contest. The two of them...with themselves. So don’t play it for real until it gets real.

In the literal sense this advice is about the scene Betty is about to play with a lecherous older actor. But wouldn’t that speech, superimposed over Betty & Rita’s upcoming consummation make just as much sense? Or more. "The two of them... with themselves" is strange phrasing. More suitable in the context of mutable cris-crossing actress identities? Anyway, Betty shifts into a new mode of expression in the audition: Watts has gone from stylized wide eyed innocent to carnal being. The audition kiss, which preceeds the sapphic kiss is like a funhouse mirror warm-up.


In both sequences Watts' lips graze over her scene partners as she fills up with desire. In the first, she follows the kiss with threats and hateful rhetoric "Get out before I kill you" and "I hate you... I hate us both". Once with Rita she bookends the kiss with incantations of love. "I want to with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with youuuuuu"


Because it's a David Lynch film it's never as simple as that (not that that mirrored construction wasn't complicated) so we have to work in humor, actual eroticism, and fear. The Betty/Rita pre-sex exchange is justifiably famous

Naive Betty: Have you ever done this before?
Amnesiac Rita: I don't know.

Have you?

She doesn't wait for an answer and the scene doesn't fade out with that smart sexy joke but instead dives straight into the erotic. Things in Mulholland Dr are about to get even stranger (Club Silencio coming right up) but isn't there something vaguely threatening about that declaration of love, as well? It's too emphatic, too early, too trancelike to be romantic or healthy. I adore this sequence and it's not just because it's hot to see two beauties in a naked liplock. It also seems to be Mulholland Dr. in a nutshell: a complex fusion of dream, nightmare, feminine mystique, Hollywood glamour, and unstable identities.

Quoth Louise, the crazy neighbor:

Something bad is happening. Someone is in danger.

She might be talking about Betty/Diane. But when watching this film (or any Lynch effort for that matter) its easy to suppose that that 'someone' is actually the audience. When his mysterious movies envelop you in their dark magics, how exactly do you escape?

previously on "kissing" Jake Gyllenhaal

Jack Twist hasn't had a great 2007. Let's kiss him better.


Fans are so fickle. The internet's collective 2006 boyfriend got a cold shoulder for most of this year. He starred in two underperforming movies (the excellent Zodiac and the political drama Rendition) causing haters to question his bankability. Pop culture cheaters went out seeking new objects of lust. Meanwhile, Jake grew a beard despite the rumors that that was entirely redundant. Yet he remains entirely kissable.

We should all still love him. For what male movie star is as soft, cuddly and gorgeous? You may have only thought about kissing Jake Gyllenhaal while you were sitting in a movie theater (Jena Malone plays your proxy to the right) but you can kiss this movie star anywhere and in many different ways.

Consider the abundant photographic evidence. Jena enthusiastically demonstrates...

She suggests brazenly planting one on him outside your high school or at lame parties. He's shy at first but Jena guarantees he warms up in the bedroom.

Gwyneth Paltrow, who must be a Gyllenhaalic herself (unless my count is wrong she has shared the most screen liplocks with the man himself), concurs:


Lord knows why she starts crying once she gets Jake naked.


But yeah, he does have that effect on people.


But, consequences be damned, Gyllenhaal must be kissed: violently, tenderly, with guilt or lust... it hardly matters. It must be done.


Even if you don't feel that way about Jake (what's wrong with you?), it's so easy to love him. Like a son... like a brother. You don't even have to come to him. He'll plant one on you.


I never thought I'd say this but Emmy Rossum may well be the smartest human being on earth. If the world is ending... by all means grab Jake Gyllenhaal and make out by the fire. It's your last chance!





*
previously on Kissing: Isabelle Huppert "do not defile it with cliché", When George Met Mary It's a Wonderful Life, Marilyn Monroe "just you... nobody else but you", Volver 47 kisses in the first 15 minutes alone

previous "Gyllenhaalic" classics: Jack Twist Monologue * A History of ... Gyllenhaal * Totally Gratuitous Jake Gyllenhaal * A History of... Gay Cowboys