| Jackie Collins' "Hollywood Wives" was a mini-series hit for ABC in 1985. |
Hollywood
Wives was Jackie Collins’ most popular novel, of the many that she
churned out for decades. With Dynasty
then riding high on TV with Jackie’s sister Joan, producer Aaron Spelling
snapped up the bestseller for a 1985 ABC mini-series. Like the book, Wives got bad reviews but was a big
ratings hit.
I recall reading an interview
with Jackie Collins, claiming that her showbiz stories were more authentic
because she was part of the Hollywood scene, as opposed to outsider writers
looking in. Maybe, but Jackie’s books were still one-dimensional, with little
credibility. I love a good trashy read about the rich and famous and Jackie
Susann’s Valley of the Dolls set the
dirty suds standard. Hollywood columnist Joyce Haber’s The Users, which Collins pilfered the main plot for her Hollywood Wives, was much more realistic
and sleazy. Dominick Dunne wrote page-turners that were much more juicy and
authentic.
| Did the costumes of "Hollywood Wives" get mixed up with those of "Golden Girls?" |
A
big reason for watching Hollywood Wives
was the clothes. At his peak, designer Nolan Miller was hailed as an arbiter of
old-time Hollywood glamour. When Dynasty
came along, he and Joan Collins had a field day with increasingly over the top
costumes. It set the style dial of the ‘80s, which was “Glitz is good.” Well, none
of that has aged well. Miller’s glam outfits from that era look more drag queen
than the real diva deal. Miller’s strong suit was dressing aging icons simply,
like Barbara Stanwyck and Elizabeth Taylor, rather than his gaudy soap stars.
Nearly all the power-dressing outfits of Hollywood
Wives are laughably ugly: Shoulder pads galore, tassels and beads,
oversized tops and gaudy sequined gowns, and so much more, more, more. As for
the hair styles, it’s amusing to guess which star, male and female, are wearing
their own hair, or sporting a wig, weave, or rug!
| Nolan Miller's gown for "Hollywood Wives" seems inspired by a NYC taxi seat cover! |
Laura Branigan’s convulsive
wailing tries to bring pathos to the on the nose lyrics of the Hollywood Wives theme. Warning: If you
listen, you’ll have this Tinseltown tune in your head for days! A mix of a
cautionary tale (the pitfalls of Hollywood!) and fairytale (young newcomers get
makeovers and movie offers by pure chance), all of it highly unbelievable. The
villains are crass and cartoonish: the self-promoting producer, the high-class
pimp, the scheming star, and the sleazy bottom feeders.
Here's the ear worm theme song from Hollywood Wives! Have a hair brush handy so you can sing along! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toZEvmbevw4
***As few spoilers as possible ahead***
I
will say this: though some cast members are miscast or their talents were modest,
everyone tries their best. The bad writing keeps the story from being a real
show biz expose. That said, Hollywood
Wives is trashy fun on a soap opera level.
| Robert Stack gets the '80s glam look as George Lancaster in "Hollywood Wives." |
Robert Stack plays revered icon George Lancaster, a star who’s considering a
coming out of retirement for a hot property, Final Reunion. At least they didn't name him Kirk Lancaster! And Steve Forrest plays a former movie idol
desperate for a comeback—sorry, a return—Ross
Conti. It's typical of this type of mini-series that B actors turned TV
stars are cast as legendary movie stars. Robert Stack is a Kirk/Burt type of
actor, Steve Forrest is a Tony Curtis type heart throb whose career is
suffering from hardening of the arteries.
| Steve Forrest and Robert Stack admire each other's "work" in "Hollywood Wives." |
Stack was always a
stiff actor and here, Bob is given the ‘80s makeover, with fluffy, highlighted
hair, and face-lifted mug full of makeup. He reminds me a Madame Tussaud wax
figure, with his booming voice adding to the disembodied effect. Forrest has
more fun as the aging matinee idol seeking assurance from everyone, and the
only self-reflection he seeks comes from his mirror. Steve Forrest is five
years past his hunky “Uncle Greg” in Mommie
Dearest and still looks pretty good, though he looks like he’s had work
done along the way.
| Steve Forrest is amusing as aging movie hunk Ross Conti in "Hollywood Wives." |
| Candice Bergen as Elaine Conti, in gowns that look like coverups, "Hollywood Wives." |
Candice Bergen is sympathetic but miscast as Elaine Conti,
longsuffering wife of aging star Ross Conti. Bergen is gorgeous at 38, smart, sexy,
loving, etc. Why would her wife put up with a 60 year old man-baby like
Forrest's Ross? Also, Bergen’s Elaine should probably be Ross' second, younger
wife, but she's made to act like the typical Hollywood first wife. Bergen, still looking model trim and beautiful, is
stuck wearing some baggy, bulky monstrosities. And what's with that mullet in
the first party scene? In casual wear, Candy looks stunning and subtle, hardly
the desperate Hollywood housewife.
| Candice Bergen looks like her gorgeous younger self in more casual moments of 1985's "Hollywood Wives." |
| Frances Bergen, Candice's equally gorgeous mom, as Pamela Lancaster. |
Frances Bergen plays Pamela, George Lancaster's new wife.
One look at ageless beauty Frances and you’ll know where Candice got her damned
classy good looks and hair!
| Mary Crosby is a willful Hollywood daughter in 1985's "Hollywood Wives." |
Mary Crosby as Karen Lancaster, the bad girl who’s really good deep down,
was quite good at playing sultry vixens. Crosby’s Karen and Stack’s star have
one of the most icky daughter-father confrontations ever, but hey, it works for
them! Also unfortunate are Crosby and Suzanne Somers as the show’s femme
fatales, who are over-dressed, over-tressed, and over-tarted up.
| Suzanne Somers is fictional movie sex symbol Gina Germaine, interviewed by Mary Hart of "Entertainment Tonight," in 1985's "Hollywood Wives." |
Suzanne Somers is
Gina Germaine, "the most beautiful, sensuous sex symbol in the United
States today," proclaims Entertainment
Tonight interviewer Mary Hart. Even in 1985, that wasn’t true! Somers is a latter day
Monroe blonde bombshell, who wants to be taken seriously, with her eye on a
role in Final Reunion. Somers’ response to Hart seems like a sly dig at Three's Company: "Sex symbols are
for television series."
| Anthony Hopkins is director Neil Gray, whose sobriety and fidelity fails him under pressure, in 1985's "Hollywood Wives." |
"When you have no
taste, you can do anything," uttered by Anthony Hopkins, his explanation for slumming here? Hopkins plays
Neil Gray, the uncompromising director of Final
Reunion, until Somers’ Gina gets him in some compromising positions!
| Stephanie Powers as Montana Gray, screenwriter with integrity, but still glam, in 1985's ABC mini-series "Hollywood Wives." |
Stephanie Powers is screenwriter Montana Gray, Neil’s wife. Oh,
and the writer for Final Reunion. Though
her character sneers at Hollywood ways, whose name sounds like a cowboy star, yet Montana looks like a typical Hollywood diva. Despite the artifice, Powers plays
with her usual no-nonsense style and doesn’t let the “Big ‘80s” look take over
her own fashion style.
| Joanna Cassidy as Marilee Gray, member of the first wives club in 1985's "Hollywood Wives." Cassidy's a redhead so she gets the shamrock green gown and Bergen rocks a blue breast plate. Candice also sports a Joe Dirt mullet here! |
Joanna Cassidy is Marilee Gray, an ex-Hollywood wife of
director Neil. She’s smart, pragmatic, and has great taste in boy toys. Cassidy
looks lovely here and feels the most authentic of the bunch in Hollywood Wives.
| Rod Steiger, who never met a rug he didn't like, plays Oliver Easterne, blowhard movie producer, from 1985's "Hollywood Wives." |
Rod Steiger overplays the self-aggrandizing movie producer, Oliver
Easterne—surprised? Oliver gleefully uses Final
Reunion as the proverbial carrot to dangle in front of all interested
parties. Steiger’s character is humorously crass and he brays his lines, like
the male Shelley Winters he is!
| Angie Dickinson is no-nonsense talent agent Sadie LaSalle in "Hollywood Wives." |
Angie Dickinson is Sadie LaSalle, the tough, top talent agent
who holds a grudge against Ross Conti, when he burned her decades ago. Though
Angie is stuck in similar potato sack costumes as Candice Bergen, her hair and
makeup are far simpler than her tawdry Police
Woman days. She looks lovely here at 54.
| Roddy McDowall multi-tasks as an interior decorator and pimp, Jason Swandle, in 1985's ABC mini-series, "Hollywood Wives." |
Roddy McDowall plays interior decorator AND pimp Jason
Swandle, finding young men for lonely ladies.
Roddy plays him in his usual hammy way. The facial tics and vacillating between
creepy charm and passive/aggressive threats made me wonder: Did Roddy and
Anthony Perkins ever star in a movie together?
| Andrew Stevens as Buddy Hudson, getting the Sadie LaSalle build-up in 1985's ABC mini-series, "Hollywood Wives." |
Andrew Stevens is Buddy Hudson, an aspiring actor, once a male
prostitute. Stevens is square-jawed and plays the soap opera scenes with
surface skill. But when his character wishes to be taken seriously, it’s an eye
roll. Andrew Stevens is cute as button and a square-jawed Ken Doll, but not the
next Al Pacino, as Buddy is described! Yes, he too hopes to get his big break
in Final Reunion. Catherine Mary Stewart as Angel Hudson
was a fairly icky ‘80s ingénue but she fits right in Hollywood Wives. She has the good luck to be discovered at the
beach by creeper producer Oliver Easterne, who thinks she’d be perfect for
Nicki in Final Reunion.
| Catherine Mary Stewart plays naive Angel Hudson in 1985's "Hollywood Wives." |
From the other side of
the showbiz lens is Deke, at home watching a Hollywood gala on TV with most of
these characters. He is also going berserk since he has found out that he was given
up for adoption from some showbiz bigwig. Apparently a problem child, Deke
turns into Mr. Hyde toward his sugary sweet adoptive parents. Deke, as the
bad apple twin, is bizarrely played by Andrew
Stevens. Why is he nuts? Why does he look like Lon Chaney's The Wolfman?
Why does he limp? Why does he talk in a gravelly New York City accent? Why is
his skin chalky white, with brown smudges? Since this is Hollywood Wives, why ask why?! Aside from knowing that he was
adopted, Deke didn’t get Buddy Hudson’s blue eyes, better hair, and charming
personality.
| Andrew Stevens also plays (awfully) Deke, Buddy Hudson's secret twin in 1985's "Hollywood Wives." Is Lon Chaney, Jr. deranged Deke's secret father? |
Though Deke wreaks
havoc along the way to Hollywood to take revenge, the inept scenes with this
psycho and victims are unintentionally hilarious. The worst is the first, with
his adopted parents, who get the most fake beat downs and stabbing deaths ever.
I’m not even going to
try to explain the convoluted plot of Hollywood
Wives, except that it leaves no showbiz cliché unchecked! Basically, just
about everyone involved, directly or indirectly, wants a piece of Final Reunion. Naturally, there is no
synopsis given for this brilliant story—not from the writer of Hollywood Wives! The fun is watching the
lengths the characters will go to get a role, for themselves or a spouse. There
are even more male bimbos in this movie than women, which reflects its intended
audience, women and gays. The pool boy, the tennis player, the waiters, etc.—choose
your flavor!
| Candice Bergen's Elaine may be the only one of "Hollywood Wives" who's so easily satisfied by an ungrateful husband with flowers! With Steven Forrest as Ross. |
Most of my favorite
moments happen to be the most ludicrous. Deranged Deke hitching to Hollywood,
Rod Steiger’s inappropriate producer, and especially Gina Germaine’s scheming
to get a coveted movie role.
"Jane Fonda got
serious, why can't I?" Was Suzanne Somers writing her own dialogue as Gina
Germaine? Gina wants the role of young ingénue Nicki in Final Reunion. Suzanne’s tawdry bombshell hardly fits the part. Somers
sports a shit ton of makeup and the most platinum, unruly perm I’ve seen since
Connie Stevens ‘70s Brillo shag! One unkind but accurate critic commented that
Suzanne in Hollywood Wives looks like
Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner!
| You can tell Suzanne Somers is the vixen in 1985's "Hollywood Wives," because she's seductively brushing her locks as Gina Germaine plots and schemes! |
I never thought
Suzanne Somers was a beauty, but her mobile features, capped with big,
childlike blue eyes, reminded me a bit of Goldie Hawn. Even their voices are
similar. Suzanne plays the scheming star in a likable fashion. Gina Germaine is
a vision in yellow terrycloth as she lies in wait down Palm Beach way,
where director Neil Gray is there for talks with George Lancaster about Final Reunion. Gina is willing to roll
in the hotel hay for a role in this “serious” film. Neil has had two beautiful
wives, but finds mop-topped Suzanne irresistible. Soon, stocky, dour Anthony
Hopkins is making hot jungle love to Somers’ Gina. It gets better when they
happen to be on the same flight home and she initiates him into the mile high
club—by the coffee machines—guess the restrooms were busy! Googly-eyed Suzanne
and owlish Anthony make a comic couple!
| Stephanie Powers as Montana Gray, at hubby Neil's funeral, in "Hollywood Wives." This must have cut close to the bone for Powers, who had just lost long-time companion William Holden three years prior. |
And the guessing game
of who are the natural parents of Deke (and Buddy) comes to a ludicrous finale.
Though no attention is given to the trail of bodies that Deke has left across
the USA, it made me think of a later real life celebrity-obsessed psychotic,
Andrew Cunanan, who capped his killing spree with shooting Gianni Versace on
his doorstep.
I’m surprised nobody has remade Hollywood Wives, since the showbiz game hasn’t changed a bit. The stakes are just higher and the class level of today’s participants even lower. Let’s just enjoy the soapy, sleazy ‘80s Hollywood Wives!
| Steve Forrest as Ross Conti, getting the Sadie LaSalle build-up before he gave her the brush-off, in 1985's "Hollywood Wives." |