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Its less the content and more the frequency if you get what I’m saying. Like it’s no different than Alina whining about hating Russia every other day and post. Your grievances are valid. It’s the amount of it you post that can turn off some people.
I’m not bothered because I’m a crotchety old man at this point, but not everyone sees it that way.
I guess this is why my mom is getting so frustrated at me.
She thinks my depression is just “seeking attention”…
That’s the truth of this world, doesn’t matter how close someone allegedly is, you open up to your issues and they just turn you away…
Except for those getting paid for it… in that case, they’ll gladly take your money and get paid for listening… (probably not even listening and forget it in like 10 minutes…)
Every social interaction is inherently transactional
Some people listen because they are just enjoying popcorn while listening to your misery… but once thwy had enough of it, they’ll immediately unfriend you…
In this world, its kill, or be killed (maybe not literally, but in terms of like society killing your self esteem, absolutely.)
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Doesnt matter.
I rather overshare than being dead one day and silenced.
I intend to eventually publish a memoir about it, under my real legal name.
I was not supposed to exist in this world.
I was the “extra” “illegal” child born in violation of the One Child Policy
Venting about stuff reaffirms the fact that “Yes I fucking exist in this world”
If it weren’t Lemmy, I’d make a blog and post stuff…
Or even reddit…
Or maybe mainstream social media…
Or whatever…
Its just practice writing…
Journaling doesn’t scratch the same itch… if you know what I mean…
In China, they’d have silenced me early on…
They literally have government go through your book before they’d let you publish…
Your posts online would mysteriously disappear…
Fuck that, I don’t care anymore…
I want to say stuff whenever I feel like it…
There’s no such thing as being a bad child to abusive parents, IMO.
I mean sometimes envision things from my parents’ perspective…
and yea I kinda hate myself too ngl…
Like I can sort of “devils advocate” for both sides…
The real issue really is society…
The chain of events was:
- Japanese Imperialism
- China is a war-torn nation
- People are desparate… so… Communism and all that crap…
- Parents grew up in poverty
- Hukou issues discriminating against rural people (my ancestry is rural)
- Parents decide to leave
- Immigration trauma
- Have to learn new language…
- Bullying…
- Fear leads to Anger… and Anger leads to Hate…
- I remember causing a bit of trouble at school…
- I cried a lot…
- Low self esteem
- Identity crisis
- Afraid to talk to people…
- Covid
- Targeted due to racism
- Depression
- This inherited culture thst does not understand Depression
- Generational Trauma
- Here I am…
Culture sucks
Imperialism sucks
Parents suck
I suck
God sucks… (if he even exists)
God is dead, and we have killed him
In this world, it’s kill, or be killed…
The End…
Eh, give yourself a little grace. Everybody sucks sometimes. No one is perfect (except God, if he exists, IDK, I believe so, but there seems to be some debate on the matter). Everybody gets into a little trouble at school. Again, nobody is perfect.
I’ll also just say that depression fucking sucks. More so than everything else you’ve listed. All the external things can sometimes be handled, but depression is a pit that just drags you down. Struggling with problems that are objectively simple to resolve? Doesn’t matter, pit of despair. It’s not fun at all :(
Touch grass.
Speaking of that…
There’s not much places I can go anywhere fun alone cuz I don’t have a driver’s license
And I need a doctor to fill some forms before I can even get a learner’s permit cuz Pennsylvania has stupid laws that requires a medical exam… like wtf? Like I’m not piloting a fucking airplane ffs…
And cuz I have depression, the doc was like: “ummm… maybe seek help for depression first because you might get a panic attack and crash while trying to drive” (they didn’t literally say that, but that’s how I interpreted it)
And I also still have yet to get a Passport, I really want proof of citizenship before feeling safe outside… cuz ICE is being asshats “shoot first ask later” mentality
And to get a passport, I need someone to drive me there…
And then my parents are busy… so do I take a uber there? what a waste of money…
(That’s on top of my anxiety issues)
Calm yourself, dude. You are getting yourself in a dither, get out of your own head. Try meditation, or do something nice for someone else. I mean this from a place of love.
I’m going to touch on two items : one is the drivers license, I personally believe it should be a lot harder to get a drivers license than what it is in the United States. I think it’s way too easy. I’ve been driving for over 30 years now and the crazy and stupid stuff I’ve seen yeah it should be harder to get a drivers license. Medical exam for drivers license , I think it’s a good idea.
The second one that I’m going to touch on is if a doctor is literally telling you to seek help it might be a good idea to seek help.
Oh well, my parents are busy I cant go anywhere without them driving me to places…
I’ll have to see when they’re available before I can travel around places…
You just described how life works. You have to do it the hard way first so that you appreciate it when you get it easier way.
Things I did: public transportation, hitch hiking, riding a bike. If you can’t afford an Uber, I don’t know how you’re going to afford energy and insurance. If you’re stuck because <gestures around>, at least realize it’s not just you that have let down your parents. Or just your parents have let down you, but this country has really let down a lot of people.
I can technically “afford” using uber for rare occasions…
But I’m talking about like just being able to pick a random direction and drive, stop at a random mall, walk around…
That type of freedom…
And like usually gas is much cheaper than like
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fucking $30 for a 20 minute ride… (or something like that… might me more now because gas price increases and etc…) I could use it like once or twice but not like EVERY TIME I wanna go outside…
Also public transit is terrifying for me as I
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Have servere anxiety… the last time I was still “normal” and not depressed, some kid in my highschool picked a fight with me and I got arrested for defending myself…
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Ever since Covid… I have this hightened sense of fear in public… I mean have you seen videos of random elderly Asian people getting pushed to the pavement and some Chinese person got pushed into the NYC metro… I’m Chinese American… this definitely does not calm my anxiety since I literally got into a fight at school 1 week before schools shut down for Covid…
Honestly I don’t expect to own a car… I’m just gonna ask my parents to add my name in their insurance and borrow it when I need it (they have 2 cars)
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