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Recently my last unmarried sister tied the knot. Naturally this prompted all my relatives to ask the question, “So when is your turn?” I guess that is what happens in most Asian families. They love it when people get married because of the festivities and the expectations of having children.

Although nobody is pushing me (I’m not near the age of desperation yet), the issue of marriage has crept at the back of my mind. Being still a “closet” Muslim makes it tougher to get into serious relationships. Not that it is something encouraged as we know Islam does have strict code regarding boy-girl relationships.

Also being a Muslim with those regulations, we are naturally inclined to channel our needs and desires in the halal way. I guess that is why marriage is the most favorite and/or sensitive topic among youngsters. Tons of articles and books are out there on this topic starting on what to look for in a spouse, how to conduct Islamic wedding, up until how to raise good kids.

But it seems like in the Muslim communities, we are still unclear on how to go about the process. Some take the milder, girlfriends-are-ok mentality. That as long as you don’t cross the lines (set between the couples of course), then it is fine. I think this is the most common occurence. These group consider praying together with the guy as imam is romantic.

Some more conservative groups shun that mindset. They strictly view that girlfriends are haraam. You have to lower gaze and never ever touch her nor see her uncovered. Members of these communities often are parts of halaqas or study groups. Often times their teachers/leaders do the search for spouses. Think of it sort of like an arranged marriage. You trust your imaam/teacher to find someone pious for you.

Truth is I’ve seen people who were on one end of the spectrum  to go completely the opposite; they shun the idea of having boyfriends/girlfriends, yet along as they go and grow up they warm up to it or vice versa. Those who had girlfriends go all Shariah when finding their spouse.

Now how do reverts go about this process? We are raised in a non-Muslim upbringing. Members of your own race, which your core and extended family/community will expect you to marry, are 95% non-Muslim. Marrying a Malay (for lack of better word, as we have Javanese/Sundanese/other native ethnicities) itself is a shameful act, let alone a believing-practicing Muslim Malay.

As a revert who started off going by the book, it is confusing to see the Muslims around you go out in the mall hanging out with their girlfriends. It is also foreign to see someone fill out forms for taaruf before even meeting the prospective spouse. Skipping the romancing beforehand and go straight to asking her hand.

I realize that there are still many things to be sorted out before considering marriage, but for you married brothers and sisters, I’d like to know how you went through the process. I hope this is a judgment-free section and you can admit however conservative or free you began :).