i miss having friendships where i could just hold them

where pulling you onto my lap was normal

where we could tuck into

eachother like pieces of a puzzle

but i havent been around people i can hold like that in years

and i havent been around the people i know now long enough to ask

hklding and being held means something different now

it isnt something friends do without other motives

i do not want what is so connected to being cradled now

that is not it

god i just want to be held again

in a world full of hearts pressing, surrounding, til it hurts mine is green and the comfort of the magic is all I need even as the pink suffocation continues

I cannot fathom a universe in which I am loved. I can only conceptualise a world where I am free. I do not wish to be confined by the great walls of love, they’re suffocating and ,oh so, volatile.

I shan’t throw my arms around any man ‘lest the floor give way to the pit of hell, the abounding abyss of my worry.

Vulnerability comes to me as a threat, to confide in another comes to me as a scare.. To be stripped down naked, my ash cloak peeled back, revealing my insides, my fragility is the most wretched act of assertion.

I would favour a world where I can prance, the world sighing under the graze of my foot, the dandelions marrying with the reek of petrichor, the wind tending to the trees leaves, combing itself in a somewhat maternal way through its branches, frond and angry green.

A world like this is devoid of the commitments contingent with love, therefore, love is a treaty I cannot sign, a word I cannot say, a cut I cannot heal.

Romanticism

Her eyes meet his as they exchange glittering fluid, 

Her hands grasp hers as they whisper shared thoughts. 

His fingers in his hair, 

Their lips on her neck. 

The TV is a flickering box of dreams, 

Just romanticisms, 

Fanciful notions of something unexperiencable. 

I read books with girls and boys and girls and girls and boys and boys. Loving. 

I feel my skin burn and I flip the page. My ex-lovers never had the chance to touch me. They never had the chance to love me. They were admirers that I held at arm's length, unaware of my sin. Leading them on, no reciprocation. 

Am I empty? 

Twilight, I had no flutters. Heartstopper, I was cold in my chest. Titanic sparked no feelings. 

Tea tastes sweeter to me than any humans tongue, ideas in my head more exciting than what they have to offer. 

I was never sure why I hated the after scene. After the deal is made, the couple goes to bed, sharing sweet words and eating candy. 

I have to leave the room. 

When will I feel these romanticisms? 

I am a numb thing, a wretched dullness.  

I am Princess Snow, if the kiss didn’t work. 

my childhood friend

i still text you

(in my wildest dreams you reply)

you say

(you imply)

hello

(hello)

it's been so long

(I'm sorry i left)

but in this lonely house

(with kids)

i found a time machine

(but no guinea pigs)

let's go back to how it was

(I'll throw away my ring)

when we wore best friend bracelets

(I'm sorry)

and ran over my terrible boyfriend's milkshake

(my boyfriends replaced my friend)

and held hands

(i miss you)

and slept in the same room.

(can you forgive me?)

Each day you tell me you love me,

I listen to each word you say,

And I nod and agree.

But the truth is I don't feel the same,

I can't feel our 'romance',

And for that, I have only myself to blame.

To say I don't love you,

That I don't care so deeply,

It wouldn't be true.

But at the end of the day,

I don't want to kiss you,

I'm sorry that I'm pushing you away.

I'm scared to tell you,

I don't feel atteacted,

But I wish you knew.

I love you more than the stars and the moon,

Though it's not romantic,

And I don't want a honeymoon.

I don't want you for your parts or your looks,

I guess we have a complicated situation,

Different from the ones in the books.

Because you love me,

And I love you,

But I don't like you romantically.

I'm aromantic, unlike you,

You love me,

But you don't love in the way I do.

Maybe we just were hever meant to be,

Two lovers reaching out,

Stranded in the vast sea.

I will never love like Juliet loved Romeo.

I will never love like Rose loved Jack.

I will never love like Bonny loved Clyde.

I will never be loved like Gomez loved Morticia.

I will never be loved like Mr. Darcy loved Elizabeth.

I will never be loved like Anthony loved Cleopatra.

I will never feel like the protagonist of Sailor Song.

I will never feel like the protagonist of of La La Land.

I will never feel like the protagonist of Love Hypothesis.

I am missing out.

I want to love.

How can I expect to be loved if I can’t love back?

I long for something I’ve never felt.

I hate being cupio.

what does romance mean?

flowers, kisses, love letters, care,

its all just things you give.

they can be given to anyone.

what does romance feel like?

heated faces, fluttering stomachs,

but that also happens with stress.

is romance enjoyable stress?

is it anxiety you reach out to?

is it pushing past the edge

of fear into the epicenter?

or do i just not feel it.

i feel admiration and fear

i can understand attraction

i sit with stress and desire

i live inside the anxiety.

but there is no romance.

there is no true love

from or for me.

can you feel love?

can love feel you?

can you feel its warmth dip through your body?

what does it feel like

for love not to be within you?

it it normalcy?

abnormalcy?

what does a broken heart feel like?

is it still beating?

how does it taste

is it worth, for even just a moment

to not want to feel love?

I don't want to kiss you

I want to put my head against your chest and feel your heartbeat, your warmth

I don't want to kiss you

I want to sleep in the same bed, close but not touching, just knowing you're there, safe and sound

I don't want to kiss you

I want to lay my head in your lap while we watch a movie, then discuss it for hours afterwards

I don't want to kiss you

I want to feel your hands through my hair, and I want to scratch your back, and I want you to hug me from behind, and I want to feel love through casual touches

but I don't want to kiss you