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science fiction author, beatmaker, against fascism

Category: Mental Health Page 1 of 8

Cultivating Boredom

New rule for self, as of today: no news, Reddit, YouTube, chess, social media, scrolling, or entertainment of any kind during weekdays (with exceptions for being outside walking–I don’t want to quit Pokemon GO).

It’s not that these activities are inherently bad, or even that they take up time, attention, energy, and willpower (though they certainly do). The main issue–at least for me–is that the endless entertainment and distraction made available via the internet too easily satisfies my mind’s constant need for novelty and stimulation.

So I’m never bored, or even close to bored. And that’s a problem.

When I’m bored or close to bored, the creative hallucinations set in. That’s what I want! The endless stream of ideas, both good and bad, that results from my mind trying to entertain itself.

As well as the desire to get up and move, even if it’s just to do chores or take a walk.

In the past I’ve tried rationing screen time, or setting up timers that block certain sites after x amount of minutes. But that never works. What I need is a simple rule, a commitment, that changes my mindset.

And I think understanding my why will help.

Wish me luck and perseverance!

I Am Psyduck (Anxiety is Ridiculous)

In the animated show Pokemon Concierge, Psyduck causes surrounding objects to levitate when experiencing anxiety. It’s a recurring gag in the show; Psyduck gets stressed about something, and various pots and pans, coconuts, and other items start to hover, inevitably crashing down and wreaking havoc.

Well, Kia recently realized that I’m Psyduck. I start to get stressed about some little thing (a late package, a missing spoon, a scheduling issue) and my anxiety begins to spiral. I become irritable and unreasonable. If I were in the least bit telekinetic, surrounding objects would definitely start to hover.

But it’s good to realize that I’m Psyduck. Yes, I’m sensitive and prone to disproportional bouts of anxiety. But, also like Psyduck, I can use various methods to calm myself. I can remember to take five milligrams of lithium orotate. I can chill the fuck out, and laugh about it.

Which Pokemon are you, psycho-emotionally?

How I Maintain Motivation (and dopamine levels)

I have the GG (val/val) variant in SNP rs4680, which corresponds with high COMT enzyme activity. COMT breaks down dopamine in the part of the brain related to higher cognitive and executive function. People with my COMT genetic variant tend to have a hard time sustaining attention and motivation in low-stakes situations. We tend to do a little better when the stakes are a bit higher and intense, like hand-to-hand combat or downhill racing.

I did well in school, but paying attention during lectures was always difficult. My mind would constantly wander. By my third year in college I’d come up with systems (mainly active note-taking/idea synthesis during class) that allowed me to excel. But the first fifteen years of school were a struggle in terms of paying attention and retaining information, even if it didn’t look that way from the outside.

After I graduated, I soon learned that most jobs were pure torture for me. Sustaining my attention for eight hours a day was too difficult and too boring. I decided early on that a 40+ hour workweek would ruin me. I needed to find an alternative. I settled on computer programming because I could do it part time, at my own pace, on my own schedule. I could then use the rest of my time to make beats, write fiction, play games, spend time with friend and family, or just let my mind wander.

Obviously my personality isn’t the result of a single genetic variant. But I’ve learned that maintaining a high level of motivation and attention for long periods of time requires a few “tricks”. Since ~40% of the global population has the same rs4680 COMT variant, maybe you find yourself in the same boat.

  • Goal-setting. Mostly self-explanatory. I go back and forth on exact goal-setting methods, but currently I’m liking three month horizons for my main goals, with monthly sub-goals. The key to using goals is to enjoy the process, and not hang your happiness hat on completing the goal or not. Set an ambitious but doable goal that can be achieved with concrete consistent actions. Allow yourself to be happy while pursuing the goal. If you achieve it, pat yourself on the back, give yourself a treat, then set another goal. If you don’t, analyze the game and iterate your strategy.
  • Supplements. Lithium orotate up to 5mg daily to balance neurotransmitter health and stave off depression and anxiety. Fish oil for brain cell membrane permeability. Tyrosine up to 500mg/day for a direct dopamine boost. Collagen and other sources of glycine to support deep sleep and brain recovery.
  • Clean(ish) living. Too much alcohol, sugar, and refined carbs blunts motivation. Exercise amps it up. You don’t have to be a monk.
  • Death-framing. What’s important if I hold the reality of my own mortality in mind? Will I regret not getting those extra billable hours? More likely I’ll regret never attempting a particular writing or music project, or not visiting a friend, or not doing something fun with my family.

That’s about it. Hope that helps you, rs4680 G/G or whatever kind of mutant you are!

Empowering Action vs. Depression

Recently I read Steve Pavlina’s post “What It’s Like Being Me”. Steve really enjoys being himself, it seems, and part of my reaction was a slow clap — good for you, you smug vegan, your life is so great. But on the other hand, I really like Steve and his writing has benefited me immensely over the years. He’s worked hard to develop systems to improve his life systems and states of consciousness, and I don’t actually begrudge him his positive mental state and enjoyment of life. Good for him (no sarcasm).

Steve’s take on depression did make me wonder if he understands the condition as a disease. He appears to regard depression as a poor life choice, writing that he is repulsed by depression, and that he simply chooses to not be depressed himself. I don’t want to take his words out of context, so here’s a direct quote from the post:

Remembering to Be Emotionally Non-Reactive (Electric Hot Tub Emergency)

Not our house, not our hot tub.

My wife and daughter really wanted a hot tub. Eventually they convinced me. And with all the money we’ve saved by not traveling or eating out during the pandemic, we could afford it.

There were two dozen things that needed to happen in the back yard before we could put in the hot tub. An old trellis needed removing. Some post holes needed to be filled with concrete. A fence needed repairing.

Eventually we completed all these tasks as a family. The hot tub arrived. Our electrician installed it.

And it didn’t work. It turned on but it didn’t heat up. Instead of a hot tub we just had a tub.

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