Disaster Wars: Earthquake vs. Tsunami

This has to be one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It does something which I thought was impossible, which was to make the Asylum movies look good.

The story is bad. The plot holes are so big you could probably lose a planet in them. Maybe even a solar system.

The actors all look and sound bored. As far as I can see, none of them seem to be even making any effort to act. Much of the stuff they do doesn't seem to make sense, even in the context of the movie.

The sound is bad - most of it sounds like it was recorded in a bathroom.

The special effects are really... special. Flying debris is represented by random black dots superimposed over the image, not connected to anything. And those are some of the better special effects. The final scene is so badly done it has to be seen to be believed.

Several of the scenes are just totally unrelated stock footage that was spliced in, and in many cases are so jarringly out of place that I had to rewind just to make sure I had actually seen what I though I had seen.

I understand that this was done with a low budget, but man, even with a low budget, they could at least have made an effort. The impression I get from this movie is that nobody cared enough to even try. Watch at your own peril.

Now in my top 20 worse movies ever made. The only person I recognized was the lady who played the Vice-President. She played the President in "24". Hard to believe. Was she that hard up for work?

If you do start to watch this terrible movie, you'll probably find yourself skipping ahead until you actually see something happening. Special effects looked like it was done by a few 12 years old. Avoid headaches by skipping this disaster.

A bit puzzled how this got even 3 stars. People could give all the spoilers they could and this still would not upset many people. Is the man in the bathrobe the hero? You won't care one bit.

I have a sickness. I find appalling movies gratifying. I've become so fond of them that I'm literally filled with glee when I see one. The worse it is, the more joy I appear to gain from it.

Thus, I am a living, breathing meter of terrible. And I can tell you that my meter is off the charts on this one. I'm practically reeling in elation, and trust me, this is bad for you sane people.

(The following text will be a series of hyperboles designed to push forth the general impression that the movie was bad. If you feel the need to stop reading now, I forgive you. Go in peace.)

This is the first time I've ever looked at a film and said to myself, "You know what.. I think I could do better. By myself even." The special effects are downright horrifying. Horrifyingly bad that is. I have seen a friend of mine work with freeware software for a class project, and even he did better than what I just saw. These special effects are on the same level as "Birdemic" and "MegaPiranha." They are that bad (I recommend both movies, by the way.. Though you may hate me for it).

How about the acting? Believe me, watching a dog bark at itself in a mirror will give you more empathy than anything you'll get from the acting in this one. How any director could look at this and say, "Yes, this works. It's really creating the mood," is a mystery to me. I don't think any other actors could possibly make an impending catastrophe appear to be less worthy of heartfelt emotion. The dialogue was so incredibly dry, and deeply inept.

The best acting in the whole movie had to be the bums. They were great.

What about the plot? Plot holes don't just exist, they hit you in the face with a shovel. The level of stupid is so high that it might actually seep out of your screen and get on you. I'm not going to bother giving examples, that would be cheating. But trust me, common sense doesn't exist in this one.

I realize that budgetary concerns are commonly used as an excuse, but realistically there is no excuse. Amazing movies have been created on very tight budgets. If your special effects are bad, tighten your acting. If the acting is poor, smooth out the plot. There are ways to concentrate on the winning points of your feature. Even with everything else being terrible, your movie can still be entertaining and fun! This director failed to pick a winning point, but instead attempted to do everything at once, and the film had almost no noteworthy moments. Sadly, there was simply just no entertainment.

The acting producer should be able to tell right away that something is wrong, and make appropriate course corrections for the production. For instance, the special effects: "Let's see, earthquakes, falling debris, tsunamis, satellites, lasers, nuclear explosions, submarines, bullet wounds and military technology ambiance. And I have a budget of.. Ah hell no. Something's got to go." This would have been a better answer than, "Awwright! We have a computer! Let's do it!"

Lastly, I confess that it brings me joy to inflict this sort of insipid cinema on people. Please watch it. For me? xxoxxo, bye bye now.

Honestly, I try to give films a chance and an open mind. I'm really not picky and have a great collection of cheesy TV disaster movies.

But when I go to watch a disaster movie, it's because I assume the disaster happens in the film, not the the film itself is the disaster. It really is that bad! I gave this 1 star because A: some of the actors did make quite a good effort in places, and B: I can't give it zero stars, so I had to find something to justify one star.

The 2nd star is for how real some of the stuff looked. Specifically, the boobs. Oh, and a fair few pretty ladies that they belonged to. Probably the only thing that I could entice people with to watch this to the end.

If you don't like pretty girls, (some with glasses, great!), or boobs, you have absolutely no reason to watch this. In fact, if you bought this, or just watched it by accident, or were forced to watch it, I would see if there is a clause in your life insurance that allows you to claim for the hour and a half of your life that you will never get back.

There are no words to describe!! There is only twitching and eyes bulging in disbelief!! All that remains is the hope that whoever was responsible for this horror died in the explosive finale.