Starship: Rising

Somewhere right now Roger Corman is practicing rolling in his grave.

gar·bage /ɡärbij/ noun North American

wasted or spoiled food and other refuse.

synonyms: trash, rubbish, refuse, waste, detritus, litter, junk, scrap; scraps, leftovers, remains, slops, nonsense, balderdash, claptrap, twaddle, blather; dross, rubbish, tripe, jive, bilge, bull, bunk, poppycock, piffle, bunkum, vulgar, slangcrap, crapola

...and now a recipe for Corned Beef Hash:

1 Heat butter in a large skillet (preferably cast iron) on medium heat. Add the onion and cook a few minutes, until translucent.

2 Mix in the chopped corned beef and potatoes. Spread out evenly over the pan. Increase the heat to high or medium high and press down on the mixture with a metal spatula.

3 Do not stir the potatoes and corned beef, but let them brown. If you hear them sizzling, this is good. Use a metal spatula to peek underneath and see if they are browning. If nicely browned, use the spatula to flip sections over in the pan so that they brown on the other side. Press down again with the spatula. If there is too much sticking, you can add a little more butter to the pan. Continue to cook in this manner until the potatoes and the corned beef are nicely browned.

4 Remove from heat, stir in chopped parsley. Add plenty of freshly ground black pepper, and add salt to taste.

Serve with fried or poached eggs for breakfast.

...'nuff said.

It was a porno right? I mean it must have been... what with the obvious innuendo twist on Jupiter Ascending (not heard it referred to as a "starship" before but whatever), much like the Flesh gordon take on Flash Gordon, the crappy acting, non existent plot. meaningless dialogue and the dodgy looking women displaying more make up than a Debenhams cosmetic counter and obvious low budget.

The narration started off quite well; thought it was going to have a Red Dwarf theme initially. Then it went a bit Doctor Whoish, which didn't bode well and by the time the introductory narration finished I had not only lost the plot but also the will to live.

Anyway, things perked up a bit when this fairly fit looking blonde rucked up. Here we go, I thought; crappy intro- check, crappy acting - check. About time for the blond to turn around to one of the guys and come up with some cheesy line like "Is that a "starship" in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me" before getting her kit off and some raunchy action. Boy was I disappointed. Where were all the sex scenes for fecks sake? Did they just forget to put them in or what? Veerrry disappointing.

"Starship: Rising" is a very, very difficult film to review...and I should explain why. In some ways, it's a bad film--with poor writing and terribly shallow characters. I am not going to gloss over these problems--and they are serious. However, at the same time, the film appears to be amazingly good looking and professional--an odd combination, I know. To me, it has all the look of a fan production--a movie made for sci-fi fans and not intended for general release. And, if this was the case, you cannot really compare the film to a traditional movie. But, apparently it is being released on DVD and Amazon, for instance, is planning on releasing selling it in September.

So while I like some of the fan films, it's because I don't mind when the film has some rough edges--I expect them. And many of the best Star Trek and Star Wars fan films are very rough but also very enjoyable. As I watched "Starship: Rising", it appeared to be a fan film and thought the editor had sent me a fan film. A fan film, by the way, isn't intended for the average schnook out there--just the ultra-devoted sci- fi folks who might pick up a copy at a convention or pass it among themselves. "Starship: Rising", however, must be held to a higher standard if it's being released to the general public.

Neil Johnson wrote and directed the film and despite its many problems, it's also kind of amazing. Well, The CGI, while not up to the quality of a big-budget Hollywood film is surprisingly good and at times sure comes close to what you'd see in a big-budget theatrical release. I remember years ago when "Babylon 5" was the first TV show that exclusively used CGI for its outer space scenes and they were cool but rough (though the excellent writing more than made up for these shortcomings). However, "Starship: Rising" has graphics that are light- years ahead of those--and I was blown away that a relatively inexpensive film could look this good. And, it's not all looks--the soundtrack is very nice as well. It doesn't sound cheap at all and works well, though I'll admit that it is, occasionally repetitive. Together, they make a film that has a very professional look. As for the story about a dystopian galactic world where an insane leader is bent on destroying Terra (Earth), it has its moments and the various planetscapes look good. So, you have a film that is awfully rough and yet awfully good. I don't recommend it for the casual viewer but for hardcore lovers of sci-fi or folks who like fan pictures and have modest expectations, it's well worth your time. The casual viewer, on the other hand, will no doubt have serious problems with the writing and acting--they just didn't seem polished or ready for a full-length film. A nice try...and perhaps with experience Johnson will be able to pull it all together.

By the way, if you want to see a micro-budgeted sci-fi film that manages to have the great look you expect from a sci-fi outer space film AND great writing and characters, try to find a copy of "Hunter Prey". It is exceptional and packs a lot into a tiny budget...and you'd never notice the small budget when you see it on the screen.

Absolutely nothing redeeming about this title at all. The acting is bad, the dialogue is worse, the special effects are not special at all, the cinematography is lackluster, the costumes are like the kind you make as cosplayer, the sound was bad, the musical score basically non-existent, and to top it off the story is boring and uninteresting

If you watch the first 5 minutes you will immediately regret it. The main character is explaining their back story in this sci-fi futuristic action movie and they decided that adding scan lines to the video would make it more futuristic. And not well done scan lines that make the video seem like it might actually be a video...just a low transparency set of scan lines that a 12 year old would put into a video game they are programming because they saw the movie Aliens for the first time.

If you make it further than the abysmal intro you are sure to regret it. I had to force myself to finish it because I just wanted to see how bad it could really get and it gets really bad. Please if you have not watched this, do yourself a favor and don't. There is a reason it has such a low rating...if I could give it 0 I would, but 1 is the lowest possible score.

In the future, the universe is controlled by the Federation - Some people decide to rebel when orders are given to destroy earth but really this plot doesn't come across at all or make any sense what so ever.

It is extremely rare that I will not watch a film to the end no matter how terrible it is but this was just really dire. After 10 minutes I found my mind wandering, after 20 minutes I had no interest in any of the characters, story or plot - what there was of it. There was simple no level of emotion of realism in any of the performances.

The story as it stands is basically ripped off the old BBC series Blake's 7, which had the universe controlled by the Federation and their weapons system for controlling the climates on a thousand worlds was called Star One - all sounding very familiar - I mean at least give the bad guys a different name come on!

I am trying to think of some constructive comments to make about this movie. The FX cheap though they were at least were trying to create a sense of worlds and a universe within which these dull bland characters existed. Generally Hollyoaks is not the best place to find your lead actor and top criticism here has to go Darren Jacobs who is just plain bad. The chief Villain is just someone (The Director) doing a bad Bane voice with some awful CGI.

Because there is so much CGI and everything bar a few tiny sets is basically very sterile there is no sense of time or place. Characters were not well introduced, the script was really really poor and the space battles are just terrible.

It's really rare I will give such a low review but in this case there was no other option, rebellion or not.