Mad Cows

As a big fan of Kathy Lette's early novels, I was so pleased when I heard they were making this into a film. I now hold my hands up and say I really should be shot for not knowing any better!! This film is an absolute stinker. It is jumpy, makes zero sense and has managed to cut all the good stuff out of the book and just leave the crappy bits. The book verges on the ridiculous but always retains its humour - this film doesn't. I can't quite pinpoint what it is I hate so much about it. Actually, yes I can - everything. It's totally ruined the book for me. I've read it since and could not erase the image of a truly terrible performance from Anna 'Beth Jordache' Friel as Maddy. Give this a wide berth.

I feel compelled to write. This is the in my humble opinion a terrible film. When the script and plot thins it disappears into an MTV collage of images. If you suspend your ideas of reality for a while it could cause the odd smile but this is its only redeeming feature. Tired cameos by quality actors added to the misery. Characters were never introduced, had no depth and ultimately left you cold. Interesting point to watch for me was the investigating detective whose speech impediment vanishes when he reappears in the film. Maybe the effort was too much I certainly felt exhausted by it!

A couple of weeks ago I had a get together with a bunch of Matt Johnson ( Aka The The ) fans down in London and a couple of people I'd met there , namely Duncan and Ange , had like me attended film school . As in these type of situations the topic of conversation soon got round to lamenting the demise of the British film industry . It may sound bitter but we all agreed that the reason was because the industry in this country is crippled by nepotism with people getting their movies financed simply because they know the right people , not because they have any obvious talent

MAD COWS is a case in point . Apparently it's based on a novel by Australian Kathy Lette which probably explains how her husband Geoffry Robertson managed to get a walk on part in this movie . Robertson isn't a professional actor which means a member of Equity has been deprived of an income . Actually at least one other actor has also been deprived since Mohamed Al Fayed the owner of Harrods also appears in a walk on part . As for the actors who have paid their dues to Equity I wasn't impressed . Anna Friel spends the movie with an entirely unconvincing Aussie accent while Joanna Lumley is abysmal since she recreates her role as Patsy Stone from ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS

The supporting cast I will reserve judgement on because I've a feeling that the director Sara Sugarman is more to blame than the actors themselves . A case in point is an interrogation by a detective who has arrested the heroine for stealing a packet of frozen peas ( A pathetic plot twist ? Glad you agree with me ) and my gut instinct is that the scene was hopelessly unfunny to begin with but instead of the director beating the screenwriter to death with a limp script Ms Sugarman has told the actor in question to put on a funny speech impediment and other clown mannerisms . No doubt the cast have nothing but kind words about working with Sara Sugerman but you don't make a movie to enjoy yourself - You make a movie to let the audience enjoy themself and there's no enjoyment here as we have to endure silly performances , MTV style direction in a very plot less and episodic story that is a kick in the guts to anyone who has struggled to make it in the movie business in this country

But at least MAD COWS proves once and for all that it's not what you know in the British movie industry - It's who you know

Although I didn't expect a masterpiece, I at least hoped for a bit of wit, considering the writer and the cast. However, I was sorely disappointed.

It started horribly when you realised the central character was going to be using a fake Australian accent throughout the film. After that, irritation turned to despair as a feeble plot, uninteresting characters, an excruciating script and very sad jokes were unleashed on the unfortunate audience.

If you ever get a chance to see this film, run away as fast as you can.

I have read just about all of Kathy Lette's books, they are fabulous. This movie however, was just a total waste of time, I couldn't possibly say anything good about it. All I can say is, I am pleased that I didn't bother seeing it at the cinema.