Intensive Care

Hello, can anybody hear me? I don't know why you came to this page, but if you're a fellow viewer of this movie: join the fanclub! This movie was so unbelievably bad I couldn't stop laughing when I saw it. I think it's a must see, it's bad in a nice way. Every cliche ever invented for a horror movie can be seen here. I'm afraid it's very hard to get a copy of this movie, but it should be in the top 10 of worst movies ever made.

Two houses, one street, one phone booth, one car, a girl next door, a boy next door and a zombie. This list of ingredients should suffice for a great horror movie. All you need is some blue light, ambient music and...done. Not in the hands of Dutch director van Rouveroy though!

I like to organize "bad movie evenings" from time to time. The concept is really simple: get some booze, get some film-loving friends, and immerse yourself in the worst cinema can offer. For such an evening this peace of filth is one of the best. Laughs guaranteed!

The bizarre thing is, van Rouveroy is still defending her film as if it were a great achievement. To be a witness to this you'll have to listen to the DVD's commentary track. Again: disbelieve and laughs guaranteed!

The fun begins really early in this Dutch slasher film, mostly because of the bizarre cameo by George Kennedy. Kennedy is mostly known as one of the guys who yells "I am Spartacus" at the end of "Spartacus", which apparently makes him entitled to more than half of the budget for just working one day. But damn, does he make his five minutes of screen time count. He doesn't seem to care at all about this movie and he has without a doubt never seen it, but his sheer lack of passion for his role (which for the record is an insane doctor who gets deformed in a car accident and magically turns into a cheaper actor) is probably as entertaining as the guy can get. It's also a beautiful plus that his Dutch co-stars have to speak English to him, I don't think I've ever felt more sorry for a language than in those five minutes. You didn't deserve this, English. The rest of the movie is also pretty fun because it's so technically inept, they really didn't have much money left to spend on unimportant things like special effects and competent crew members. The cheap-looking kills are incredibly funny, but they even botch stuff that doesn't cost money: the dialogues are so weird and pointless, the plot makes so little sense. Even the obligatory sex scene is funny. I guarantee you a beautiful evening of pointing and laughing.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself!! I keep on defending the Dutch and Belgian cinema and claim that it should get more credit and chances...and then they smack you around the head with junk like this! Intensive Care is a terrible production and probably the worst thing that was ever made in the Dutch-speaking countries. It's a Dutch attempt to create our very own horror franchise, clearly based on mainstrain American slasher classics such as Friday the 13th and Halloween. The producers and writers aimed really high with this, but fell really low. Intensive Care became an embarrassing product to everyone who was involved and therefore a true cult flick here. It's almost impossible to hunt down an original copy of this and it's only showed on special occasions, like "the Night of Distaste". For exactly 5 minutes, Intensive Care tries to tell a story and even to create a plotline...then it changes into a lame and low-brain slash 'n stalk movie with gruesome - yet very hilarious and cheap - make up effects. The acting of the entire cast is abominable, even though there are a few respected names involved. The leading male role is played by Koen Wauters...This guy might as well be the most famous and loved artist in Belgium. He's a beloved singer, host of TV-shows and idol of many young girls. He never ever mentions this thing he starred in, though. Like everybody else in The Netherlands, he's trying to convince himself Intensive Care never happened.

Just saw this film last saturday at a locally organised 'Night of Distaste', and boy, did it fit in with the bill. We were told that most of the budget went into hiring George Kennedy; the consequence is that little cash was left for the remainder of the production, and that is very visible. The effects are truly awful, laws of nature are suspended to a level seldom seen before, and all that is crowned by a level of acting that makes the average Bangkok soap opera actor look like Laurence Olivier. Be sure to get the English-spoken version (made for the international market!), featuring some of the worst English pronunciation ever to make it to celluloid.