I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle

A trouble-making biker gang murders some occultists, apparently just for the Hell of it. But the demon that the occultists were summoning enters a damaged Norton Commando motorcycle, which at some point later enters into the possession of a young chap named Noddy (Neil Morrissey, 'Men Behaving Badly'). Soon, it has revealed its true colours: yes, it really does suck blood (you have to see this to believe it), and hates the sunlight! Noddy teams up with a heroic priest (Anthony "C-3PO" Daniels, of all people) to exorcise the demon.

Although this goes on a bit longer than any B movie really should (at an hour and 46 minutes), "I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle" provides outrageous fun as long as the prospective viewer isn't too demanding. It's not for people who ordinarily dislike comedy with their horror, but others will appreciate the fact that it adopts a heavy tongue-in-cheek attitude. It's often quite amusing, especially when the bike gives itself a demonic "makeover". It claims a reasonable amount of victims, in enjoyably gory fashion, and can even scale walls.

The performances are all quite enjoyable. Morrissey is an amiable (if somewhat oblivious at first) lead. Amanda Noar (the real-life Mrs. Morrissey at the time) is an appealing, sexy leading lady. Michael Elphick ("The Element of Crime") is a real hoot as an investigating detective. Daniels likewise tickled this viewers' funny bone. Andrew Powell (as bike gang leader Roach), George Rossi (as his associate Chopper), and the briefly seen Daniel Peacock ("Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves") comprise a good supporting cast. However, if you've heard that Burt "Cato" Kwouk is in this, be advised that his (non-speaking) cameo amounts to very little. (He *does*, however, have a rather unfortunate name that elicits a cheap laugh.)

This little flick is a good candidate for a cult favourite, and it just goes to show that the Brits can pull off this kind of self-aware schlock just as neatly as anyone. It may reek of a minimal budget, but that only adds to the good vibes for any B movie lover.

Seven out of 10.

Films such as this, simply made and at low cost, can go either way as to insult your intelligence or titillate your senses of fun and humour. This particular genre, the British independent film genre, is taken to lower levels and with good company such as "Psychomania" aka "Death Wheelers" (1973) that rolls along with Nicky Henson, Beryl Reid (1919-1996) and George Sanders (1906-1972), joining the shenanigans "Come Play with Me" (1977) has Mary Millington (1945-1979) jumping on more than the band-wagon, too, Johnny Vegas and Mackenzie Crook in the half-baked "Sex Lives of the Potato Men" (2004) and the whiter-than-white "The Calcium Kid" (2004) delivered to us by a young Orlando Bloom making an all too disinvite crease in this celluloid bargain-basement bin genre.

It's all been done before; the highest example for this accolade is the winning team of the exceptionally successful English comedy franchise the "Carry On..." films (all Pinewood Studios shot) spanning thirty years (1958-1978). For decades this British tradition of slap-stick, innuendoes, double entendre and low-brow wit regurgitated as it may feel never feels drawn-out but is highly additive cinema indeed; it's a language all of its own.

"I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle" is no different, but it tries its hardest not to excluded itself from this pile. It fits into all the niches that brings this into the fold. On the surface this comes over as rather unsophisticated and that is exactly what it is. It holds no punches set against its downfalls of low budget production and simpleminded script. Saying this, this does not make for a poor, dull and unoriginal score. Bearing in mind its premise is extremely original and this is its draw and fascination.

A British Norton Commando motorcycle inadvertently becomes the harbinger of death and commands a thirst of a bloodlust that brings laughs from the bottom of the barrel to casually float to the top with the classic British one-liner technique. While not smutty, its sarcasm and target-audience clichés hold up the lowest common denominator and delivers its strength and keeps the stakes deeply pushed into the heart of this quirky little motor with a few nuts & bolts of its own to give this production a slant of personality.

To surpass beyond the pale of barrow-boy antics we see that the pièce de résistance is most definably the art of the cameo. Here we see film and television personalities as Burt Kwouk (1930-2016) "The Return of the Pink Panther" (1975) etc, "Tenko" and Ed Devereaux (1925-2003) "Skippy" plus a unusually cast, but a undeniably surreal highlight, Anthony Daniels "Star Wars (1977) as a trike riding priest to raise an eyebrow of intrigue and surprise.

This is certainly a film of night or day, with such a captivating title as "I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle", it draws you in to entice you to its curiosity. Being what it is, it holds no pretentious misgivings as to what you are getting. You may reach the fork in the road and on seeing this you may, you can, then decide if you were humoured or simply taken for a ride.

I've caught this movie quite a few times and I always enjoy it. It's the tale of a despatch rider (played by Neil Morrisey) who buys a demonically possessed motorcycle that runs on blood instead of petrol. It's a silly idea fleshed out with great characters; a comedy vicar (played by Anthony Daniels) and fine comic copper (Michael Elphick). The films cheap, but resolutely cheerful and the overall effect is very pleasing. Particularly good apres pub viewing. I'd recommend it.

What a lovely piece of nastiness this B-movie shlock horror flick is.

The story itself is pretty basic. A Hell's Angels gang is carrying out a Black Mass to call out a nasty Daemon when a rival gang crash the party. The combatants are too late though. The Daemon has arrived and he's possessed a Norton Motorbike. This bike is then bought and repaired by bike enthusiast Noddy (Neil Morrissey)... but when the sun sets the bike sets off around the city looking for its own special brand of go-go-juice... Blood... Human Blood!

What makes this story so enjoyable though is the dark humour and the tongue-in-cheek storytelling. All the cliches are here, though, none of them is taken seriously.

The director, Dirk Campbell, tries his hardest to add an eerie atmosphere using lighting and colour techniques. However, what we get is a more '80's pop video. Which, in itself, isn't bad and gives the film a distinct feeling of style. What the director does well is use what's on offer to the best of his ability. For example the decapitations. Though the act isn't the best effect out, what he does with the severed heads makes up for it. Noddy's mate's, Buzzer, severed head look brilliant because of the way it's handled. Even when he appears as a talking turd in a nightmare it looks shockingly good. He even adds to the humour by using the motorcycle's headlight as the Daemon's eye and having him ogle Noddy's girlfriend, Kim. Then when Noddy and the priest have to run to the exorcism you know you're gonna hear The Batman '66 theme... and you just have to giggle.

The acting is above average, though it's not the lead characters who are the strongest in the cast. It's Michael Elphic as the garlic chomping copper, Anthony Daniels as the biker priest, and Andy Powell as the angry Hell's Angel boss who will stand out the most. They play their roles beautifully and just over the top enough to suit this film. I have to say though that the silent statue of the Chinese takeaway, Burt Kwok is my favourite of the pack... and he says nowt.

I have to say, though this only gets an average score it's well worth at least one watch. It's also that type of film you may fall in love with. So if you love horror and comedy then give this film a look-see. It's a very enjoyable hour and a half.

British horror comedy featuring a bunch of familiar faces from British TV of the time about a vampire motorcycle. A 1970's Norton to be precise. Certainly original, this is a decent romp with laughs plus plenty of gore. There is a gross scene involving a talking turd which then jumps down our hero's throat! And there's also an exorcism featuring an eccentric priest. Non Brits may at times struggle with the humour or slang. It is a good, fun movie but at times is a tad too silly and at over 100 minutes perhaps could have benefited from losing about 10 minutes.