Gor

Fritz Kiersch, this cinematic abortion's "director", has got to be one of the most completely untalented hacks working behind the lens. (If you've ever seen the original "Children of the Corn", you'll know what I mean.) The fight scenes here are SO incredibly lame. I've seen 2nd graders stage better mock combats in school plays. It doesn't help that the script seems to have been written by a moronic middle-schooler. No cliché goes unturned here, no mundane sword-&-sorcery trope untouched. I read the first three of John Norman's 'Gor' books when I was in high school and much more interested in the genre, and even then I didn't think that they were anything special. But at least they held my attention for the first few books in the series (probably mainly because of the sexy Boris Vallejo covers and the stories' liberal doses of bondage-themed sex). This movie has none of those elements. The only two good things about it are the vigorous, hearty (and often inappropriately utilized - good job, Fritz, you inept stooge) musical score and Rebecca Ferrati's breasts. (Wait - is that three things?)

Try, if you can, to imagine Disney's fantasy/sci-fi mega-budget flop John Carter as if it had been made in the '80s by The Cannon Group, producers of such cinematic clunkers as Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, American Ninja, Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold, and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. This might give you some idea of what Gor is like: dreadful production values, a terrible script, lousy action, unconvincing sets, cheap costumes, and a cast of has-beens and never-weres directed by the man responsible for Stephen King dud Children of the Corn.

The film stars Urbano Barberini as mild-mannered physics lecturer Tarl Cabot, who is transported to the planet Gor by his magic ring, where he helps a group of brave warriors to overthrow evil despot Sarm (Oliver Reed), who has enslaved the people of nearby villages and stolen their sacred homestones. Featuring wooden performances from everyone, with the exception of Oliver Reed, who hams it up to the max (his exuberant performance no doubt aided by enough alcohol to fuel a small plane), Gor is difficult to endure, although the generous curves of sexy warrior woman Talena (Playboy playmate Rebecca Ferratti) help to ease the pain just a little.

1 out of 10, with a generous extra point added for the battle of the bad '80s hair-dos, as Talena, with her massive rock-babe barnet, fights another woman sporting crimped blonde locks.

Man, oh man. This movie pushes the limits of badness. I can't imagine anyone watching this movie for any reason but to laugh at it. As a comedy, this is great. Witness classic moments such as when the heroes just jump into a cart being dragged across the desert, in plain view of the enemy soldiers, and nobody notices! This is a great movie to watch with a bunch of friends, especially if you like to hear your friends howling with laughter. And then, after the flick's over, you can tell them a great joke: There are people for whom Gor is a sexual fetish. And then, the punchline is that you aren't kidding.

I've read some of the Gor books and enjoyed them. (Norman's later writing became far too sexist for me to stomach, but the first several are pretty good stories if you like the genre.)

But this movie *totally* sucked and about the only thing one could do with it is to have MST3000 do their thing (good luck). I turned it off after about 15 minutes and was seriously tempted to burn the video store's copy to spare anyone else the pain of seeing the thing.

A low budget Conan style movie, where all there budget probably went on paying Oliver Reed and Jack Palance. The acting is really bad and the script is terrible. Apart from seeing a very fit woman (Rebecca Ferretti) in hardly any clothing, this movie has no pluses. Having said that, I saw a sequel was made, so I'll probably watch it.