Barbarian Queen

The only reason I can recommend this movie is if you want to see women showing off their tits. Sorry. I had to say it. There is nothing else worth watching here. Sloppy editing, bad acting (Lana Clarkson and Katt Shea shows their acting talents (both of them) and crap music. I have to admit that I fell asleep during the middle of this movie as well. I love sword-and-sorcery, adventure and fantasy movies but this is just tiresome. The story is promising enough (as a revenge flick), but the warrior women only manage to get captured every few minutes so that they can be tortured (topless, of course). Watch something else instead. Is it a sequel you say? Do you think that I'm going to watch it?

I had a theory about movies. For every two minutes of Bad movie you need one minute of Nudity to make it watchable. This movie puts that theory to the test, and disproves it with a glorious vigor.

I think most every female in this movie was topless for the majority of it. The story is milk toast, but what I found the most absurd is just how bad the acting was. I mean it was Tommy Wiseau bad. In fact the nudity and acting are so bad there's almost a shamelessness about it. As though it's proud of how bad it is. And for that I would actually recommend it for anyone who wants to see a lot of breasts in a low budget Connan rip off.

For those who are feeling daring I offer the barbarian Queen Drinking game. This requires two teams, Team One is team acting and Team two is Team Boobs. For ever poorly acted line of dialog, team Acting takes a drink, For every set of boobs you see, team Boobs takes a drink. Please keep an EMT handy and sober as most likely more than one person will almost die of alcohol poisoning. You've been warned

An unenterprising addition to the (rightly) maligned '80s genre of the sword-and-sorcery movie (you'd be well advised to check out the likes of DEATHSTALKER and THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER instead of this uninspiring dreck) whose sole purpose seems to be to show as many naked women throughout the film as possible. But this isn't soft-core porn by any means; instead it's a low budget action epic, shot on the cheap in Argentina by a talentless bunch of guys who don't know two things about fight choreography (case in point: compare this film with a similar Shaw Brothers sword-fighting epic – no contest).

The film deserves note – and perhaps credit – for portraying some feisty and powerful female warriors who easily overthrow their male oppressors, but then proceed to turn this idea on its head by insisting that all of the female performers be naked or raped at one time or another. Although female torture, rape and molestation may sound unpleasant, rest assured that this film portrays the scenes as weakly and routinely as it can, without power.

Lana Clarkson ("I'll be no man's slave and no man's whore! And if I can't kill them all, by the Gods, they'll know I've tried!") is the Nordic beauty who leads a revolt against the aforementioned oppressors. I think these guys are meant to be Roman but you wouldn't guess, seeing as the costumes are so poor. Most of the film consists of drawn-out action sequences which are really poorly done and much less interesting than any Italian peplum from the '60s you could ever find. The middle section of the film consists of torture and contains an amusing scene of a guy being thrown into an acid bath, but that's about it.

Despite the inclusion of some muscular men in a gladiator battle, the excitement level is null. Expect to see lots of naked female flesh and some unwanted naked male flesh. Expect to see poor camera-work, shoddy and unconvincing gore effects and an utterly routine payoff for your time. Expect to see a level of film-making so cheap, unimaginative and unskilled that you can barely bother to watch the movie at all. Expect to see the sequel.

The Barbarian Queen is Queen Amethea (Lana Clarkson), whose village is burned by evil warriors on the day of her prospective wedding, after which most of the people are killed or enslaved. She leads a group of rebels in opposition, including some women (like herself) whose forms fit well into the clothing of the day, and eventually leads an uprising by freeing the slaves. Not for its cultural or intellectual value at all, this film is most noteworthy for the women winning the swordfights with men but not faring so well if they are captured and/or enslaved. Nudity and bondage and fondling yes, but I have to say the most memorable scene occurs when Queen Amethea uses a unique method of escape after she has been captured and tied up in the warrior camp and is being fondled by one of her captors. Clear cut--for those who like this stuff yes, otherwise not much to offer.

Barbarian Queen is one of the cycle of sword and sandal flicks that were popular in the mid 80's. Back then the formula seemed to incorporate lots of sword fights and lots of semi naked girls. This flick certainly adheres to this principle that's for sure, especially the bit about the naked girls. In fact I guess if you were inclined towards political correctness you could label Barbarian Queen as a film that is a little bit sexist. But I myself am quite partial to salacious genre movies and I lapped this one up quite a bit. The story really isn't too important but suffice to say it features a group of Amazonian type women on a quest to get vengeance on a tribe of incredibly misogynistic men who opened up the movie by raping and murdering their people.

There's lots of sex and violence in this one. And for what it's worth, the breast count appeared to be astronomical as well. It's certainly a movie that delivers on its promise and that is certainly not a bad thing. Lana Clarkson plays the titular heroine with some gusto. She's pretty good in the action scenes as well as the nude ones. Of the latter there is a somewhat erotic scene where she is tied up in a torture chamber. Somewhat notably, she escapes from this seemingly doomed situation by defeating her jailer by way of a rather extreme application of the Cleopatra Grip (I'll let you look that one up!). You have to give a film marks for originality for the likes of this, that's for sure.

Barbarian Queen has a story and action that is by-the-numbers really but it gains points for gratuitous excess. They don't really seem to make them like this anymore and that is a bit of a shame.