Crone Wood

Story: 0.25/2 - Direction & Pace 0.25 & 0.25/4 - Performances 0.75/2 - Entertainment: 0.25/2

Total 1.75/10

Crone Wood - or should we say, the unholy union of The Wicker Man and The Blair Witch Project? It's a Frankenstein's monster stitched together from good intentions but lacking the surgeon's finesse. This film embodies what happens when you have a bright idea after a late-night horror movie marathon and an abundance of hubris but none of the skill to execute it.

The most glaring sin of the script is laziness. Writers nudging the protagonist along like a puppet on strings? Nothing he does is of his own free will. He's guided through the day by a woman professing love. It's insulting when, at the ritual, they proclaim he's done all of this out of his own free will. It smacks of lackadaisical structuring.

Now, let's talk about the missing village kids. The premise orbits around the Green Man and the Witches trying to perpetuate their community with little ones, yet the playgrounds are empty. Someone forgot to hire child actors, maybe? When the Green Man boasts of a job well done, I'd contest that, given the lack of pitter-pattering ankle-biters echoing through those woods - though it was a commendable premise.

Supposed amateur enthusiasts capture the story on their handheld video cameras. It's a choice as perplexing as it is agonizing. A directorial preference to showcase bad filmmaking as intentional is as bold as it is misguided. It's almost like they said, "Why bother with second takes? Let's throw it together and call it avant-garde!" Embracing the warts-and-all approach to filmmaking might've been novel if it didn't feel like watching someone's terrible home videos - and not the heartwarming kind, mind you. Most amateur filmmakers would sooner poke out their eyes than release something resembling this mess. Scenes drag like a tortoise with a limp, and the pace is non-existent. Brace yourself for boredom with a side of frustration.

The performances deserve a reluctant golf clap - they exist, albeit in the murky depths of mediocrity. The cast seems to have had a jolly time rambling through the woods. Alas, the joy doesn't translate to the screen.

"Stay Away! Don't Watch!" Please consider this the most earnest advice I can dispense. Your time is precious - Don't fling it haphazardly into Crone Wood's profound abyss. Mercifully spare yourself and revisit The Wicker Man; it's a masterclass when justly compared to this horror misfire.

I'm a big fan of found footage films, but a lot of it is absolute crap. I saw that this was streaming on Prime, and the review on the cover that compared it to a cross between The Blair Witch Project and The Wicker Man interested me.

I quite liked this movie.

Two people who hardly know each other go off on a camping trip together. Weird things start happening and there are strange people in the woods. I can't really say much else, but I'd encourage you to give it a go if you are a fan of horror, especially found footage and folk horror.

Although I did think parts were a bit predictable, I was watching it and towards the end I had absolutely no idea how it was going to end.

It really kept my interest the entire time.

The notes say it was shot in five days or something but it really looks more like they shot it in two. "Found footage" is always a difficult gag and this one is not convincing at all. Add to that a warmed over cult thing done so well in the 1970s "Wicker Man" that it makes you wonder why they bothered. No fault of the cast, who make the most of a lot of slowly walking around and silly cult tropes of hippie witch rituals. I don't want to include a spoiler so I will just say the actions earlier in the film make little sense when you get to the end.

And to be fair they did well with what little budget there is.

Lots of hot Irish ladies and some quite icky scenes - the one with the girl sticking her finger up and licking was quite a yuck upchuck moment and the acting is more competent than most of the stalk and slash college student horror fair coming out of US film studios in the last few years and being Scottish I am biased for my kindred Irish brothers and sisters and their unique style!

This is definitely a film for the feminists and although it does not have much in the way of actual horror and has none of the pervading creepiness of the real Wicker Man and the ending is rather disappointing, it is a valiant effort so gets a fair 4/10 hatchets from me!

If you like watching idiots getting themselves in deep dog doo in the woods than this film is for you. Gone are the days when films are about people with common sense that get tangled in horror that is beyond there control. Those who use good decisions and still find themselves in dire straits are what makes people feel involved with what we see in these movies. The dread that builds is all but eliminated when everything that happens is because of stupidity. Crap movie that joins many like it.