Hoje Você Morre

"Today You Die" is another ridiculous action film from Seagal. The plot is: Harlan Banks (Seagal) gets a job as a getaway driver for a big casino heist. It turns sour and Harlan goes to jail. In the slammer he meets Ice Cool (Treach) who can help him escape. Meanwhile the brains behind the casino heist think Harlan has the stolen money. When Harlan escapes he dishes out some revenge to the bad guys.

There are many unintentional moments of comedy and here some of the standouts: 1. When Seagal jumps on a chandelier and kicks a goon 20 feet. 2. When Seagal does any fighting they don't show it.(The stunt doubles do all the work). 3. The glaring continuity errors. He punches a guy in a brown coat and then it switches to a black one. He also wears the same button down blue jacket as in "Submerged" (2005). He refuses to take off his jacket while in prison with Ice Cool. He is the only guy in the entire prison NOT wearing the traditional prison garb.

Besides that, Treach and Stevie have some chemistry and the movie is action-packed. See it if you still like Seagal.

For more insanity, please visit: comeuppancereviews.com

Almost as if there was an unexpected explosion in whatever department is supposed to handle plot and character development you can almost see bits of "what might have been" scatter all over the place. Bit like the fairly realistic blood spatters from (mostly) shoulder wounds in one shoot out.

Seagal always manages to get interesting co-stars. In this case I nominate Mari Morrow.

And it gets a bit sentimental at the end. Quite touching, especially after such a spectacular explosion in the final warehouse the whole damn county would have been declared a disaster zone. All good fun.

But you can't deny you keep watching them, and part of the fun is that Seagal seems to insist on doing exactly what he feels is right. And even if it goes directly to video, how many stations carry his films?. Dammit I watched a 2005 film tonight on an Irish channel. It all means royalties.

So lets all get crazy!.

Steven Seagal is back! Here with his third film released this year. Of course as a one time fan who has become increasingly disgruntled I can say it comes as no surprise that this is pretty lame. Firstly the film made headlines because of apparent problems in production due to Seagal. He would turn up late on set, change the script, crew etc and generally cause problems for the director, Don E Faun Leroy (his lack of talent his trouble enough!). This also happens in their second collaboration the upcoming Mercenary which promises to be just as bad as this garbage. This also marks a big turning point in Seagal's career because this film is the first of his to really dig out the stock footage. There was a little in Ticker but this film takes the biscuit. They borrow bits from, The Order (A Van Damme movie, Seagals biggest rival in DTV movies!) No Code Of Conduct, Undisputed, and also an entire action sequence from the little known Peter Weller starring vehicle Top Of The World. Interestingly the car chase stolen from Weller's epic, made almost 10 years ago and ironically probably cheaper than this garbage, is actually by far the best action scene of the film. I was shocked enough when Dolph Lundgren had a brief stint in the stock action video world, which thankfully he has escaped from. Seagal though is the leader of the DTV action market currently, with Van Damme and Snipes his main rivals. Seagal still manages to sell movies and for the life of me I don't know how. Surely the fans must be getting bored of this awfulness, longing for a return to the likes of Above The Law. The story here is totally lame. In fact the film has so many plot holes it doesn't bare thinking about. For example at the end of a film there's a little girl that Seagal apparently knows at an orphanage who he gives a necklace to. Why I don't know but we never see her at all in the rest of the movie, or hear her mentioned. Seagal has a girlfriend in this movie who at the beginning of the film is with a psychic and she becomes haunted by visions, which by the end of the film are never explained and mean nothing. The film is so ridiculously glued together by a series of meaningless pap that it becomes headache inducing.. This is by far Seagal's dumbest movie! Seagal himself is as wooden as ever, however to his credit he doesn't get dubbed in this one as far as I could tell. Seagal does however feel the need to talk like he is a gangsta rapper, making me long for the days he would don his Brooklyn/Italian-American accent, in his classic early films. He also has a painfully unfunny double act with Treach, who I assume is a rapper. It is funny how producers seem to think that the combo of Seagal, plus hip-hop star seems to work, because his team up with DMX in Exit Wounds was his most successful film since Under Siege. Clearly though if no one has heard of the rapper, it won't work. This is an action film though and so the action itself must be judged. Unfortunately the action that didn't come form the NU Image back catalogue is strictly routine. There are a few small fight scenes with some classic Seagal aikido but when 90% is performed by his stunt double, who really does have a rigorous work out in this film, it really doesn't impress much. There are also some standard gun fights which really only have some nice violent and bloody squibbage going for them. All in all this is a painfully boring experience and once again I'm left giving the same verdict: Seagal has lost it! I keep asking the years old question now, "why do people still watch his movies?" That is all very well and good as a question but the sad bastard that I am continues to watch his films in the deluded hope he may do something good once again. Chances are slim, unlike Seagal's ever expanding waistline. *1/2

Seagal is back...on video. The aikido master returns as Harlan Banks, a career thief whose attempt to go straight is marred by a group of baddies who set him up for a 20 million dollar pay day. When put along the likes of The Foreigner and Submerged, this will be a breath of fresh air. It is 90 percent Seagal's voice and he seems to at least have a little fun with it now, I mean how many chances to you get to see Seagal smile? not nearly often enough. Now there IS some stock footage but it is blended pretty well. His double seems to be doing approximately half of the work while Steven does more then we would think (his confrontation with the guy in prison was ALL Steven as was his fight with Couture, however most other scenes feature his double). Treach is an extremely likable character and seems above this, gotta respect him for trying at least. To leave you with a positive quote from the film. "You drive like a motha' ****** old lady.

I may sound biased, but I don't like Steven Seagal(except for Under Siege and a couple of others) and most of the direct-to-video releases he's done. Today You Die is a pretty poor movie, however with stuff like Submerged and particularly Out for a Kill, Seagal has done worse. The photography and editing aren't as slipshod or as dull as they can be, Nick Mancuso is good and the final explosion is spectacular. Even Seagal is better than usual, however that doesn't necessarily mean he was good, in fact it was still a lazy performance but at least the lines were intelligible. The action didn't do much for me, because of the sluggish pace in general of the film, it felt unexciting, while the plot is derivative with too many plot holes to push a delivery truck through, Treech is very irritating, the script is really quite dumb in places and the soundtrack was not to my taste, too loud and overdone. All in all, a poor film but not among Seagal's worst. 3/10 Bethany Cox