Tetas Mortais

After the mob kill her boyfriend for double-crossing them, Crystal (the jaw-dropping Lillian Wilczkowsky better known as Chesty Morgan) decides to take revenge via mammary suffocation. The flick also has porn legend Harry Reems. It has horrid acting and a weak plot line, but Lillian is a wonder to behold. She's not attractive in many senses of the word, but those over-grown elephantine melons of hers are hopelessly hypnotic. The film has kitsch enough to be one of Doris Wishman's best movies (Not saying that much, I know, but still) Followed by a sequel that was worse in EVERY single way.

My Grade: C+

Eye Candy: Chesty Morgon show's the biggest real breasts I've EVER seen as well as her tush, and Denise Purceli goes for a nude swim

Cheap Mafia movies are a dime a dozen, right? Not when your heroine is Chesty Morgan, the Polish peeler with proportions preposterous enough to give Russ Meyer pause. Billed as Zsa Zsa (as in "The Zsa Zsa Gabor of Burlesk"), she smothers any of the viewer's misconceptions during the title sequence. As the credits roll and the great theme song blasts, we see the jiggling title artillery distorted (okay--more so) in a series of convex mirrors. Please note that this film is not erotic in the least. Rather it is one of the most unintentionally hilarious pieces of dementia ever to hit the screen!

The amazingly ridiculous plot finds Chesty is Crystal, a "Hard Selling Woman" who is deeply in love and wants to get married. Unfortunately, her gangster boyfriend is rubbed out by his associates after a backfired double-cross. Hell hath no fury like a monstrously huge-breasted woman scorned, and Crystal takes it upon herself to dish out retribution. How? With her gargantuan just-over-six-foot bazookas, of course! Clad in pantyhose and girdle, she raises her arms--cue the thunderous crash of bowling pins--and closes in for the kill! As you may guess, sense is not the movie's strong point. But who watches Doris Wishman movie expecting sense?

Chesty comes off as a complete boob, with her clunky, elephantine breasts as her only assets. Sporting a (supposedly self-supplied) platinum shag wig and a hideous ruffled wardrobe, she lumbers around on mile-high platform shoes, staring blankly at her gaudy surroundings. She does two striptease acts, which consist of her walking around a bit, losing her top, and manhandling those frightening things. Throughout the course of the film, she looks and acts like someone just dragged her out of bed.

Still, despite her awesome inability to act, Miss Morgan has an undeniable screen presence and is consistently fascinating to watch. She and Wishman have created a style of what, in other hands, might be considered simple ineptitude. Everything about the film is so delightfully, wonderfully tacky and ridiculous that you can't look away. It's as if Chesty herself is merely the pinnacle of the greater camp aesthetic. The final dollop of Cool Whip is that THIS WAS INTENDED IN ALL SERIOUSNESS! See it now!

Huge-breasted Crystal has a boyfriend who belongs to the mob, but doublecrosses his boss only to be killed by two hoods/buddies in said mob. Crystal overhears her boyfriend's death by phone and plans her revenge on the two murderers as she travels to Las Vegas and Miami to assault each of them with her very ample deadly weapons. Such is the basic premise of Deadly Weapons. Well, the film certainly is a one of a kind. I mean how many films feature as its main protagonist a woman with a 73 inch bust who becomes a breast-smothering vigilante. The film is directed by Doris Wishman and its is cheaply-made with little directorial flair and almost no acting(save the performance by porn star Harry Reems). The female lead is played by Chesty Morgan(in reality another very hard to write/pronounce Polish name), and she bounces her way through the film seeing how many different ways she can showcase her bust. She finds many ways. As films go, this is really nothing special except for its status as exploitative cinema or a cult film. It is worth a look for its oddity qualities. If anyone knows...let me know...but I believe the guy playing Crystal's boyfriend was the same man that played Mari's father in Last House on the Left. The names on IMDB are different but the two men are one and the same I believe.

Yes, Doris Wishman was an odd director and made strange movies. Yes, Chesty Morgan is a rotten actress and should never have gotten into the business. However, there are two great reasons to watch Deadly Weapons . . . and they are both suspended from Chesty's magnificent torso! In this age of skinny starlets with their flat chests it is refreshing to see a full-figured gal get some coverage (or get uncovered as some of these scenes reveal). Despite the lame acting, the thin plot line and the dreadful music, Deadly Weapons earns two points from me! Two points for Chesty's two trophies! She could not act, sing or dance very well but for at least two films (both with Wishman at the helm) Chesty managed to break into show business. Found an article on the internet that stated she was a concentration camp survivor from WW II, and currently owns and manages some small apartment unit in Florida.

****SPOILERS**** A story of murder and revenge staring the busty Chesty Morgan as stripper Crystal Zsa Zsa who's unusual psychical attributes make it difficult for her stand up or walk straight without tipping over. It's when Crystal's gangster boyfriend Larry, Richard Towers, is interrupted while saying sweet nothings into her ear vis the telephone that he's gunned down by two of his colleagues Tony Barler, Harry "The Reemer" Reems, and Captian Hook, Mitchell Fredericks. The trouble for them is that they forgot to put the phone back on the hook where they, with Crystal listening in, ended up not only incriminating but identifying themselves in Larry's killers!

Determined to make them pay for what they did Crystal plans to do the two creeps in with her deadly arsenal of double barreled Winchesters 73's that she plans to use on them. Getting a job as a stripper in a Las Vagas casino Crystal in promising Captain Hook, one of her biggest admirers, a good time get's him good and stoned in her hotel room as she ends up suffocating him to death with her massive 73's. Tracking down Barler at a Miami hotel Crystal has a much difficult time in getting him alone and smothering him to dead in that Barler's jealous and possessive girlfriend Eve, Denise Purcell, is in the way. With Eve spilling the beans in knowing that Barler murdered Larry he ends up doing her in with his neck-tie as well. Not realizing that it opened the door for Crystal, whom he made a play for, to have her chance to get a crack or squeeze on him!

****SPOILERS**** Were in for a big surprise at the end of the movie when it turns out that Crystal's meek and flower loving and sniffing dad, Phillip Stahl, was the person who, in Larry holding out on him, ordered the hit on Larry! Only worth watching for what the movie is advertised for in highlighting her-Chesty Morgan- physical statistics. As them being the eight as well as all the other seven wonders of the world all rolled into one; Or is it two?