Guru, the Mad Monk

I just went on Google Video to watch this, one of a double feature presented on Torgo's Drive-In (the other feature being I Drink Your Blood which I have yet to see). At 56 minutes, I found this Andy Milligan-directed horror movie fascinating with the constant pounding score and Dragnet-like stilted dialogue abounding throughout. Having said that, I actually found the story pretty entertaining and I found myself partially caring for the sympathetic characters. Many of the gore scenes, while very amateurish, were also fun to watch in a can-you-believe-their-doing-this way. And having a hunchback that sometimes speaks clearly was also a hoot! So on that note, I'm recommending Guru, the Mad Monk to bad movie buffs everywhere. P.S. On Torgo's Drive-In, this movie was preceded by some ads for the concession stand and previews of Carnival of Blood, The Thing with Two Heads, and Teenage Mother. Oh, and the print I saw had the synchronization off by several seconds.

Let's see... We have Hunchback of Notre Dame, shades of Burke and Hare, a little Lady Carmilla... Just everything that Milligan could cram in, he did. (Motor scooters in the 17th century be damned!) Sometimes the actors rise above the dreck, but not this time. Our lead "hero" sleepwalks his way through the movie making him look less intelligent than the poor hunchback.

The lead actress is quite beautiful IMO, but her fake eyelashes and pixie cut hair do are just a LITTLE out of place. (But so is the aforementioned scooter and a light switch or two) I've become so enamored with Milligan's films.

Neil Flanagan is a good son of the Church on an island where there are a few aristocrats, a prison, him and his church and his hunchback assistant who is, of course, named Igor. To make money to decorate his church an his vestments for the glory of G*d, he does a few favors for the locals, including grave-robbing, draining blood, and other light work.

Were anyone with anything approaching a sense of humor involved in this production, it would have made a heckuva burlesque of the sort of movie that Karloff and Lugosi starred in as the Universal horror franchise wound down into in the late 1930s. It also could have made a savage satire of the politics of the Catholic Church or any organized religion. However, while that thought might have occurred to someone involved in the shoot, there is no sign on the screen that he or she had this impulse. Neither is there any effort to show the disgusting things that this implies.

Not that I'm complaining about that. Just about wasting almost an hour of time.

GURU, THE MAD MONK is another dismally delightful offering from Director Andy Milligan. The basic story is about Father Guru (Neil Flanagan), who needs cadavers for his experiments. Luckily, he knows someone at the local prison, where there are plenty of executions to keep him supplied with subjects.

All of the requisite, Milligan trademarks are here: Non-actors "acting" in a style akin to mannequins on wires; painful, unrehearsed, just-wing-it dialogue; petrified pacing; thrift store costumes; a nonsensical "plot"; and sub-home movie filming techniques. The torture / death scenes are particularly rib-tickling!

Guru himself is a living absurdity, with his garage sale wig and paper pope suit. His conversation with himself in the mirror is a marvel of idiot cinema! Thankfully, this movie isn't quite as brain-smashingly dull as most Milligan output. It profits greatly from its ineptitude, making it a laugh-out-loud classic!

Guru's hunchback sidekick, Igor, is the best imbecile since MANOS' Torgo. The way he bobbles along is almost musical! There's also the cranky old vampire woman, Olga, who runs around in some otherworldly headdress, apparently made from curtains and pot holders!

Nothing can possibly prepare you for the dunderheaded, bellringing finale!

Mr. Milligan, we salute you!...

I know this movie is bad. I know I shouldn't like it. But there's something about it that holds my attention when it plays. Something in its crude simplicity compels me forward to the end. It happens every time I watch it. I don't know what it is.

Guru (odd name for an orthodox priest) is a bit hammy but not overly so. Carl delivers his lines in one of the oddest intonations I've heard. He later appeared as Detective Eric Dorsey, a minor character on the Barney Miller show. Olga, who apparently is a vampire (?), can't seem to speak her lines fast enough. Pay attention or you'll miss 'em! Igor is fun to watch, as is the cute girl (Nadja) in the attic who befriends him.

Watch for the modern claw hammer, the modern scissors, the steel bars on the windows, and the prisoner wearing corduroy pants!