The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!

The crazy title of this film would seem to indicate that it's a bad movie, but that doesn't even come close to describing this film and just how bad it is. The film reaches levels of amateurism that are hard to believe and you just have to see it to believe it. I'll try to describe its wretchedness as best I can. The acting appears about the same quality as local community theater. Not a big community and not a good theater mind you. The actors(?) over-emote wildly but that is not the big problem. The big problem is that they deliver their lines so rapidly that it makes your head spin and the director (Andy Milligan) SHOULD have told them all to slow down. The costumes and sets are just odd. But the oddest thing is the strange and disjoint plot. At times, it is enjoyable as a guilty pleasure (much like "Spider Baby") but much of the time it just seems like everyone is winging it!

The film begins with some nonsense involving some maniac lighting someone on fire. Exactly what's going on is vague and you hear from the demented family that the youngest son has once again run amok. Soon the youngest daughter who has been away at college arrives home with a new husband. Her father is not happy—apparently there are weird genetics abounding in the family and her duty is to work on some formula to correct it. At this point, it is obvious the youngest son is some sort of primordial weirdo—not really a werewolf. However, you soon see that one of the three sisters is just plain nuts and delights in tormenting and tearing apart animals. This is the part that angered me because they really did torment animals for the picture—and I think the animal that was literally ripped apart on the camera might have been a real animal. Normally I am not a big supporter of PETA, but here they really have reason to be angry! There's also a deformed guy who loves rats and sells them to this crazy sister—but none of it really made sense. It was more like watching a freak show as the actors hammed it up and tried to shock the viewer. The biggest shock for me, however, is that the film just rambled and seemed to have no point or direction. The only reason I am giving this one a 2 and not a 1 is that it did keep my attention—at least for a while. All the nutty antics were mildly interesting. But artistically, this film is just awful and pointless.

If you care (and really, you shouldn't), the nuttiest sister refers to her new pet rats by name—one of which is Ben and the other Willard—and are taken from the movie "Willard".

That's right, that'll fix everything, just add scenes involving rats, now it's a good movie! Why would someone want to ruin a perfectly good 72 minute British horror movie about werewolf stuff, with 20 minutes dedicated to rats, just so it can be a 92 minute movie about werewolf stuff? OK, fine, there was never anything perfectly good about The Rats Are Coming, The Werewolves are here, we're looking at bad Acting (like it matters) worse lighting, an extremely not well thought out plot, with a poor choice of sub plot thrown in at the last minute. On the other hand, this movie gets pretty interesting, and would be considered underrated by some. Hell, I'll just say it, I dig this movie. Set in 1899, concerning an eccentric British family of bickering werewolf people in their castle. The 180 year old bed-ridden Patriarch, with his immortality experiments and what not, the sadistic middle daughter, Monica, who torments her half werewolf, half retarded brother Malcolm, and a couple older siblings. The bickering werewolf people are soon joined by the estranged, youngest daughter, Diana and her new husband, Gerald. Gerald is warned by the family members, repeatedly to leave, In fact, Monica is so displeased by the new guests, she brings rats into the situation, hence, the ridiculous title. There is a secret in the Mooney household, and as time goes by, it becomes less clear who can be trusted, but, I guess nothing overly special happens, like gore, although, we're treated to a nice little twist, which always counts for something in the horror genre. Ultimately, this isn't near as bad as it seems during the first viewing, could even pass for original, if your standards are low enough. For quality British Horror, check out Vampyres, and Psychomania, and for (slightly) better werewolves, check out Werewolves On Wheels. The Rats Are Coming, The Werewolves are here is reserved Only for those of us who have a thing for rare British Horror, as well as unusual/interesting Z-grade. The moral of the story? Inviting rats into a movie about werewolf stuff will never be a good idea, yet, awkward references to incest will always be hilarious. 7/10

The thing that attracted me to this movie was, of course, the bizarre and over the top title, but to be honest I wish the movie had been given a more generic name. This is the fourth film I've seen by the talentless Andy Milligan, and it's the third completely awful one. It would seem the director has an obsession with rich families and inheritance, as this is yet another film with a similar theme to Blood Rites and its crappy remake Legacy of Blood. This time, there's a family curse involving werewolves thrown in, but this doesn't make things any more interesting as the terrible acting and production values are still there, and this really is an awfully boring film. The plot pacing is trite throughout, and the film was giving me an itchy fast-forward finger before the final credits finally rolled. The special effects are tacky and ineffective, and there's not a single decent gore scene in the entire movie. Add extremely poor sound into the mix, and you have a film that isn't only boring and similar to other crappy Andy Milligan films, but one that you can't even understand! Overall, I wouldn't be callous enough to recommend this dross to even my worst enemy and you should take that as a reason not to bother seeing it.

I'm not going to try to pretend that this (or any other Andy Milligan movie I've seen) is actually a good movie, but I can't help feeling there's a good movie buried somewhere in this mess, trying to fight its way out. The dialogue, while soap operatic, is reasonably intelligent, with none of the overt howlers that make (for example) Ed Wood's movies so laughably amusing. Some of the performances are pretty good. The principle locations are quite good. And there are moments of (twisted) imagination. But countering these assets are debits too numerous to mention. The technical standards are pathetic. Even granting that is was shot in 16mm reversal nearly forty years ago the picture is grungy and badly lit. The sound is so bad that you frequently can't understand what the characters are saying. The costumes were apparently whatever Milligan could get his hands on. The editing is poor, the make-up is poor, and (perhaps most unforgivable of all) for a horror movie the shock scenes are very badly handled. I'm glad I satisfied my curiosity by checking this movie out, but I don't think I could sit through it again.

And if that really was a live rat being nailed to a board, then that's the part that's TRULY unforgivable.

Andy Milligan's unforgettably titled The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! is listed in my trusty The Official Splatter Movie Guide by John McCarty, although its inclusion puzzles me, for it features next to no gore. What it does have are interminable scenes of terrible dialogue, dreadful acting, poor sound quality and the general level of technical ineptitude that I have come to expect from exploitation legend Milligan.

The godawful story sees a young married couple arrive in England to visit wife Diana's family, the Mooney's, who harbour a dreadful secret: they are all werewolves. Even with the worst of films, I try to find some sort of positive, but this one has me beaten: I can't find anything good to say about it. Not one thing. In fact, so excruciatingly amateurish and incredibly dull is this film that, even if it had buckets of bargain basement blood and guts, I can't see it being much easier to bear.

I rate The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! a pitiful 1/10, although I wish I could give the film 0/10 for including a repulsive scene of unnecessary animal cruelty, the stabbing and nailing of a live mouse.