Doomsday Machine

Lots of more or less recognizable faces in this El Cheapo Production, most of them over the hill. Of the half dozen astronauts who travel to Venus, Bobby Van is a baby-faced wisecracker, Daniel Wilcoxin started out in movies in 1931, the ligneous Grant Williams' best-known role is as an incredible shrinking man, Ruta Lee is a determined doctor of cosmology or cosmetology or something, Mala Powers was Roxanne in the Oscar-winning "Cyrano de Bergerac" twenty-two years earlier. But I kind of liked the line up. Any cast with two dancers among the principals -- Bobby Van ("Kiss Me Kate") and Ruta Lee ("Seven Brides For Seven Brothers") -- is okay with me.

And with that, the accolades disappear into outer space. The acting is perfunctory. The dialog is formulaic -- full of phony technological static. "Don't change your azimuth because we can only give you two degrees of yaw on the nose." The inside of the space ship is bigger than my living room. Hell, it has more square footage than my entire mobile home. And its only furniture is six chairs for the astronauts, and the chairs are recycled recliners.

I didn't get past the space ship's journey to Venus but I know from the diligent research I've done that the plot has something to do with a Doomsday Machine that the Chinese Commies have buried two hundred miles deep in the earth. When it blows, it will set all the faults of all the earth's plates in motion. (Better that, than that they should dump their dollars and start investing in Euros.) To be honest, I knew I'd never be able to handle it shortly after the launch of the space ship. The director must have dozed off. I can understand some tense radio exchanges about technical junk but the scene dragged on and on -- and on. And -- NOTHING HAPPENS. And so we say good-bye to the six resourceful space travelers as they sail off into the sunset.

The movie is available without cost through Hulu Movies on the internet as part of a package called Elvira's Movies Macabre. I don't know if everyone knows who Elvira was but many years ago, in the LA area, people looked forward to seeing her. She was all made up in ludicrous vampire garb but still sexy, what with her cantilevered bosom. Her comments were never scary and sometimes funny. Here, she carries on girlishly about putting a man on Venus. How about putting ARMS on Venus first! (Then she has to explain the joke because otherwise nobody living in Los Angeles is going to get it.)

Considering that most of the film was made in 1967 and then sat on a shelf for nearly a decade before it was completed, you certainly can't expect much from "Doomsday Machine". What's worse is that none of the original actors were used in the new footage--making the final product rather incomprehensible.

When the Americans realize that the Chinese are about to deploy a doomsday device (thus killing EVERYONE), they quickly scramble to add women to the already scheduled flight to Venus--in the hopes that this crew can continue the human race. No matter that their space suits consists of silver motorcycle helmets AND the actual atmosphere of the planet will both crush them all to death AND it's deadly poisonous AND hotter than the temperature of most ovens! Sounds like the Garden of Eden, huh?! Most of the rest of the film consists of the folks on the ship over-emoting--yelling and trying to get noticed by the camera. It also consisted of the crew of men becoming VERY horny--and fights broke out among the crew over who would have the privilege of inseminating these three space gals. Ultimately, a disembodied voice tells the humans to get lost, as they destroyed the Earth and Venus wants no part of them...and the movie ends! All in all, a very dull movie that is, at times, unintentionally funny--BUT DULL. Not exactly among the worst films made...but close.

As far as the special effects go, they were state of the art in 1960. However, by 1976 they were VERY outdated and the film looks downright cheap.

By the way, look carefully for tiny roles by Mike Farrell and Casey Kasem.

UPDATE: I saw this film AGAIN and so I thought I'd review it again. Here goes:

I give "Doomsday Machine" a score of 1 as it's an incredibly dumb mess. A thoroughly bad film, by the end it completely gives up on trying to make any sense at all. I have no idea what the story is behind this film, but the project comes off like 4 or 5 different films all sloppily pieced together.

The film begins as an espionage film—with some Chinese folks breaking into a top secret (and easy to break into) government base. They learn by looking at some silly props in a cage that it's some sort of doomsday machine—though how they know this is completely baffling. Next, a US space mission to Venus is quickly altered. No, they haven't called it off because it's impossible to land there due to the planet's crushing and toxic atmosphere (real facts can't get in the way of this film!). It is to substitute a few hot ladies for some of the crew. This is in case the doomsday machine is used, they might be able to send horny men and women into space to continue the species.

This isn't a terrible idea for a film. HOWEVER, the execution is so terrible you have to see it for yourself. First, the astronaut outfits and ship look as if they are from a 1950s hokey sci-fi film---even though this movie was completed(?) near the time "Star Wars" debuted. Next, during their trip through space, you randomly see clips from earlier sci-fi films—some of which are Japanese! You also see models of the Earth that look like they came from the 50s as well. As far as the acting goes, it's just bad—and you know that if Bobby Van gets top billing you are in for trouble. But the most awful aspect is the ending. The last 15 minutes or so were obviously tacked on later and is 100% INCOMPREHENSIBLE. They put space helmets on two people who are NOT from the film to hide that they aren't and they pretend to be Van and his new girlfriend—though their voices aren't even close and their space costumes are different!! Then, a disembodied voice gives a long-winded speech and the film abruptly ends!! You just have to see it to understand what a terrible mess it all is—so bad I can't see how this film was ever released anywhere!

I'm glad for other comments concerning the putting together of unmatched pieces in this film. It is almost non-sensical because of it. Had I thought there was some sort of order, I would have wondered who the incompetent was who hatched this. As it is, it is simply using pieces that were probably rather expensive to make a poor man's "2001: A Space Odyssey." The ridiculous interactions among the crew, the whole point of even going on the voyage, the spy stuff with the Chinese at the beginning. The silly inclusion of a group of women added at the last minute, make for a total mess. We are left out of any sort of coherent flow and so the thing falls dead in its tracks. It reminds me of the stuff the school cooks used to make out of all the bad food that was left over from a week of hot lunches.

Hey, a space ship that comes with its own seat belt equipped laz-e-boy recliners! OK, given that this thing was started by one bunch in the 60s and then finished by another group in the 70s you can pretty much figure that continuity is out the window. Hairstyles change, the Russian chick looses her accent, and boy does Danny's voice ever change. But given the circumstances, like two entirely different crews, I really don't think continuity and the lack of same ought to be a factor. The folks that took this thing out of mothballs and tried to make it work deserve kudos for the effort. And they did a fair job up until the very end. Pseudo-philosophical meanderings just don't fit well in a sci-fi movie that comes across like the B films of the same genre out of the 50s. But, thats rather where a lot of those flicks tried to go too, so I guess it was to be expected. At the end they even set it up for a sequel. Well, be thankful that never happened. The cast is fun, with players recognizable from "Wagon Train" to "M.A.S.H." and beyond. Its not so bad, and kinda fun to watch. With all the problems it survived, hey, maybe, at the edge of our solar system, there is an adventure awaiting the "last of man".

Originally begun in 1967 under the title "Armageddon 1975", this movie was never actually completed. Why it was never finished is unclear. But somewhere down the line it was scrapped, shelved and forgotten. That was in 1967. Then about five years later, it was rediscovered by some amateur film maker and re-edited into a complete movie. When I first saw this movie, I realized I was watching two different films edited together. The original version stands out from the poor added footage that makes this movie terrible. The added footage alone is what destroys this flick ( too bad the producer couldn't locate the original actors to star in the re-edited version).Also, you'll see lots of footage taken from old Japanease Godzilla and Rodan movies. What a mess! The Doomsday Machine is one DOOMED MOVIE!